Everybody has a breaking point, and today, I reached mine. I have ranted about breaking down before, but that was different. That was pure biology. My system was simply telling me it was time to shut down and crash.
This time the break was external. The pressure piled, the hits kept coming, and in the end, I just reached … well … the end. So I stopped trying.
I felt pretty bad for a while, felt selfish, heartless and inhuman. And they probably felt that way too. But one person’s right is always, always, always the other person’s left, and this time, I had to do what was right for me. Fuck what anyone else thinks.
I realise these are strong words for me. It’s a strong sentiment. But sometimes, you just have to walk away. Fi does have it’s advantages, and this time, I’m tapping in.
I’ve always been afraid of my friends that have Fi, and the way they sometimes go all cold and detached. I didn’t know what to do with it. I called it mean, cruel, pretended not to care, even though it wounded me deep.
But today I’ve done the exact same thing. I’ve put my needs over someone else’s. Someone asked for my help and I didn’t give it, couldn’t give it. It just wasn’t in me. It would take all that I am to try, and I just don’t have ‘all that I am’ today. I haven’t had it for a long time.
So I’ve walked away. Maybe I’ll make it another day, but I doubt it. I think it’s a turning point, a milestone in the road that is my life. For a while I felt it was a bad milestone. I felt I’d betrayed my integrity, that I’d gone against ‘all that I am’ and that I’d never forgive myself.
Well guess what, eff that. I need to breathe. I expect way too much of myself, so I’m cutting myself some slack for once. And you know what, it feels pretty damn good. Cold, iced even, but still good.
Hm. I wonder what the little NFP gremlin inside me will do next. I guess I’ll wait and see.