I surprise myself. A lot. And it’s never a good thing, because I’m a planner, and planners don’t like surprises. For example, just yesterday, I realized that I need people. Well actually, I need person. Not any person in particular, but the person does need to be consistent, single, and male. I don’t mind if said person is gay, since there isn’t necessarily any sex in this equation.

Here’s the thing. Friday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I was so panicked in the morning that I couldn’t get out of bed. I tried to do visualizations but they kept drifting into nightmares. I had to make some scary phone calls and hunt down all the coins in my house. Sadly, the coins are mostly Tanzanian, and the exchange rate is lousy.

But after I was done panicking, I went on this date and for the next five hours, all my worries disappeared. I was sufficiently distracted, and it was a really good thing. We bonded, we ate, we had a good time. So when I found out he was leaving, I felt sad, nostalgic, and a little upset. I didn’t want to talk about it because no one would understand why I was making such a big deal after just one date, so I blogged and typed and did taebo. I thought it would make me feel better. It didn’t.

While I was moping around, my brother showed up online. Ordinarily, you don’t discuss such things with brothers, especially when their response is: ‘I’m not touching that. Not even with a ten foot pole.’ But surprisingly, I felt  better after talking to him. It felt good to let the junk out of my head and to have somebody talk back, even if I didn’t like what they had to say. Besides, I know it was done in love.

So, I’m ashamed to admit that as much as I pretend to be a married lesbian, I do need a sounding board. Preferably one without a wife, a girlfriend, or a three-legged kitty, and preferably, one that knows how to talk back.

Moving on. My second surprise: I’m in panic. I’ve never cared about my age. For my entire childhood, I seemed older than I was. Then somehere in my twenties, it was decided I could pass for a teenager. I’ve been asked for my ID more than once, and I often get frozen from my daughter’s PTA meetings. The other day, I went to get a birth certificate at Sheria House and the guy asked if it was mine. The date of birth was 7th December 2002. So yes, I’m surprised that I am spooked out by the big three-oh. I’m more surprised because it’s only been 60 days since my last birthday.

This is the year that I turn 30, and while I have ten months to go, I’m already in panic mode. This isn’t supposed to be how things go. At 30, I expected to have my own house, drive my own car, have a pretty bob, swing a pretty boy, and be nowhere near a ring.

Instead, I have one pseudo-ex-husband, four pseudo-ex-boyfriends, one former nose ring, short purple dreads, and a gorgeous little girl who just turned eight. Suddenly, I’m asking myself questions like ‘Why am I here?’ I lost religion several years ago, and while I miss the security of belief in a higher power, there’s no secondary belief in Mary’s virginity. When it’s gone, it’s gone. My new age ideas answer some of my questions but not all, and The Secret tells me to stay happy without giving me a why.

I could focus on just raising my daughter, but if I make my life all about her, I’ll have some serious withdrawal symptoms when she turns 16, and it’s not even that far away. I could make my life about work, but that’s not very fulfilling. I need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and it has to be more complelling than ‘I can’t reach the alarm.’

I don’t know why it’s hitting me now. I’ve been around for over 20 years, and my wake up ritual never needed prompting. I don’t know why I suddenly need to figure what my motivation is. I can only conclude it’s because I’m almost 30 and haven’t done half what I expected. I know I have ten months to go, but it’ll take a little longer to buy a penthouse and an 8-million-shilling red car. God I feel old!

209 thoughts on “The big three-oh

  1. It’s my belief that mesothelioma will be the most dangerous cancer. It has unusual traits. The more I look at it the harder I am sure it does not work like a true solid human cancer. In case mesothelioma is usually a rogue viral infection, so there is the chance for developing a vaccine and also offering vaccination to asbestos open people who are really at high risk involving developing long term asbestos connected malignancies. Thanks for giving your ideas about this important health issue.

  2. I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to construct my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. appreciate it

  3. I’ve been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this website. Thank you, I’ll try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your web site?

  4. At this time it looks like BlogEngine is the best blogging platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?

  5. Nice read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he just bought me lunch since I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! “The future is not something we enter. The future is something we create.” by Leonard I. Sweet.

  6. Hi there! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this write-up to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

  7. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website so i came to “return the favor”.I am trying to find things to enhance my site!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

  8. This is the appropriate weblog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You notice so much its nearly laborious to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You undoubtedly put a brand new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just nice!

  9. Thanks for the strategies presented. One thing I also believe is always that credit cards providing a 0 rate often appeal to consumers in zero interest rate, instant endorsement and easy on the net balance transfers, but beware of the number one factor that will certainly void your 0 easy road annual percentage rate as well as throw anybody out into the poor house rapid.

  10. One more thing to say is that an online business administration study course is designed for people to be able to efficiently proceed to bachelor’s degree education. The Ninety credit college degree meets the lower bachelor college degree requirements and when you earn your current associate of arts in BA online, you may have access to up to date technologies in such a field. Some reasons why students want to get their associate degree in business is because they are interested in the field and want to get the general knowledge necessary prior to jumping into a bachelor college diploma program. Thx for the tips you actually provide as part of your blog.

  11. I would like to thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this site. I’m hoping the same high-grade website post from you in the upcoming also. Actually your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own blog now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings rapidly. Your write up is a great example of it.

  12. I have seen plenty of useful points on your site about desktops. However, I have the judgment that notebooks are still not quite powerful adequately to be a good choice if you normally do things that require a great deal of power, like video editing and enhancing. But for net surfing, word processing, and most other frequent computer functions they are just great, provided you cannot mind the small screen size. Appreciate sharing your opinions.

  13. I am really loving the theme/design of your blog. Do you ever run into any internet browser compatibility problems? A couple of my blog readers have complained about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome. Do you have any ideas to help fix this problem?

  14. I’ve been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

  15. I’m not sure why but this web site is loading incredibly slow for me. Is anyone else having this problem or is it a problem on my end? I’ll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.

  16. Can I just say what a aid to search out someone who really knows what theyre talking about on the internet. You positively know learn how to deliver an issue to mild and make it important. More individuals need to learn this and perceive this facet of the story. I cant imagine youre not more fashionable because you positively have the gift.

  17. F*ckin’ remarkable things here. I am very happy to look your article. Thank you so much and i’m having a look ahead to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

  18. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossips and web and this is really irritating. A good website with interesting content, that is what I need. Thank you for keeping this site, I’ll be visiting it. Do you do newsletters? Cant find it.

  19. Good – I should certainly pronounce, impressed with your site. I had no trouble navigating through all tabs and related information ended up being truly simple to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it in the least. Quite unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or anything, website theme . a tones way for your customer to communicate. Nice task..

  20. I have been exploring for a bit for any high-quality articles or weblog posts on this sort of space . Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this website. Studying this info So i am glad to exhibit that I have an incredibly excellent uncanny feeling I found out exactly what I needed. I so much certainly will make sure to don¡¦t disregard this site and provides it a glance on a constant basis.

  21. Nice blog right here! Also your site quite a bit up fast! What host are you the usage of? Can I get your affiliate link in your host? I desire my site loaded up as fast as yours lol

  22. Hello, Neat post. There is a problem along with your website in internet explorer, would test this?

    IE nonetheless is the market leader and a huge section of other people will miss your excellent
    writing due to this problem.

  23. I have seen lots of useful issues on your web-site about computers. However, I have the view that lap tops are still not quite powerful enough to be a good option if you generally do tasks that require many power, for instance video editing and enhancing. But for world wide web surfing, microsoft word processing, and quite a few other common computer work they are all right, provided you never mind small screen size. Thank you for sharing your thinking.

  24. Hello, you used to write magnificent, but the last few posts have been kinda boring¡K I miss your tremendous writings. Past few posts are just a little bit out of track! come on!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *