I’ve been in a depressive spell for a few months now. It’s different from the ones I’ve had before, although to be fair, every low cycle has been different since I started therapy. I guess they just manifest in a different way.

The symptoms are the same. Persistent exhaustion, skipped showers, lack of appetite, lost interest in reading and music. The things that make me happy no longer do. And lately, it comes with inexplicable anger.

My therapist says anger is a secondary emotion. It masks something I’m not willing to deal with. In my case, it’s grief. I feel like something very dear to me is gone, and even though I know it’s all in my head, the feelings persists.

Feelings aren’t facts, but they still do a pretty good job of fucking shit up so …

And so I find myself resigned. Waiting for the end. What you resist persists, right? The funny thing is … it’s a cycle. Fox chasing tail. I once read about ‘the leaving dance’. It’s like when you’re on a date, or a party conversation. You’re both enjoying it and nobody wants to stop, but it has to end sometime.

So you start to do the leaving dance. Straightening your skirt or tie, glancing at the door, your watch, the waiter, the people around you. You begin to fidget, shifting from one leg to another. Your feet face the door then turn back to the person you’re with. Your fingers twitch, you can’t relax.

You know you should go, but you want to stay, and you’re both wishing the other person will make that decision for you. You want them to gather the courage to leave, or give you a reason to stay. But you’re both stuck.

I feel like I’m doing a leaving dance, and it sucks. I keep hoping to find a reason to stay, but the more I fight the feeling, the deeper it nestles in. I suppose it all comes from a fear of abandonment, so I Googled how to deal with it. Google offered this article with a helpful list of do’s and don’ts. It starts with everything I’ve been doing so far. It’s all subconscious, and detrimental:

• Expecting too much from your person.
• Squashing your insecure feelings.
• Manipulating them into validating you.
• Masking insecurity with coyness and anger.
• Altering your personality to keep them.
• Making them responsible for your feelings.
• Hating yourself for being so insecure.

The article then suggests a few things you should do instead:

• Cut yourself some slack. You didn’t choose to be scared. You just are.
• Everybody’s scared of something. You’re not weak. You’re human.
• That said, you can choose to stop putting them in charge of your feelings …
• And don’t ask them to make you feel better, even if they triggered it …
• Because triggering something isn’t causing it…
• It’s just reminding you of something that happened before.
• So maybe deal with that thing. The one that happened before.
• Though you have to figure it out first.
• Also, rely on yourself emotionally …
• But don’t isolate. It’s not the same thing.
• It’s about finding peace inside, not shutting everyone outside.
• (I have no idea how to do this, and neither does Huffpost.)

Point is no matter how much someone loves me, it’s not their job to make me feel secure. It’s mine. And if I outsource to them for too long, they’ll get tired, give up, and leave. Self-fulfilling prophesy. Oddly, fighting the insecurity makes it stronger and widens the wedge. The trick is to discover why I feel insecure and fix that instead. Not the insecurity, but its root source. The source has nothing to do with this situation, it just inadvertently triggered it.

The leaving dance puts the other person in charge. It makes it their job to extend your time together. And if you both dance, then you both lose. So maybe you take a chance. Maybe you ask if you can stay. And maybe the next time you dance, they’ll do the asking.

And even if they don’t, it’s okay. You don’t have to blame them. You don’t have to blame yourself. It doesn’t always have to be somebody’s fault. Sometimes, shit just doesn’t work out, and that’s life. As they say on twitter, ke sera sera. #Sic #NoTypo #KOT

They say people learn to be incompatible. During the honeymoon stage, everything is roses. But with time, everything about the one you love feels … wrong. They haven’t changed, and neither have you. It’s just … well … the pheromones are gone so you’ve stopped masking their flaws, and they’ve stopped masking yours. At this point, you can make an active choice to work shit out. But … turns out some things are just too deep to resolve.

I told myself I’d know the depression was starting to lift when I actively sought my earphones. And as I type, I’m listening to music for the first time in more than a month. Except … I don’t feel lighter. I just feel … resigned. Maybe I’m looking for something I can’t have. And maybe it’s time to give up.

♫ Say something ♫ justin timberlake ft chris stapleton ♫

We all have different ways of responding to trauma and misfortune. Some of us suppress it until it eventually bursts out. Some of us crack jokes and make millions in stand-up. Some of us hide in alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or novels. Some of us build walls and never let anyone near us again. And some of us – many of us – pass on the pain to others.

Unfortunately, the people who receive that pain are often undeserving. You reject the nice guy or nice girl because of someone who wasn’t quite as nice. You become transactional in relationships with someone that’s given you their money – and their hurt. Sometimes, you get downright violent in your words, actions … or your stubborn lack of both.

I’ve explored religion a little bit, and while Christianity says to turn the other cheek, New Agey Buddhism says there is no cheek, there is no hurt. That everything happens for a reason and if you take a big picture view, that ‘nasty experience’ was for your benefit. Something in your past life (or the past life of your harmer) brought you together in this painful situation at your request.

While I won’t go that far, I don’t believe anything happens in a vacuum. Nothing is random in my world. There’s always a reason for the way things go. Now – in my line of thinking – a reason isn’t an excuse. It may explain what happened, but it doesn’t make it okay. Knowing someone was abused in childhood may explain why they hurt another child, but it doesn’t justify their action, or mean they should be forgiven.

Some of us are wired with empathy. When something bad happens to us, we do our best to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. Others are more drawn towards vengeance. If I suffer, we all suffer, and that somehow makes it fair. Like the example I like to use so frequently, two young brothers watch their dad batter their mum. One grows up thinking it’s normal – even expected – for women to be beaten. The other promises never to raise his fist.

They say the way someone treats you is a refection of them, not you. If someone abuses you, there’s nothing wrong with you. The problem is them. On the other hand, people only treat you the way you let them. Yes, they are the ones with a flaw, but as long as you sit there and take it, it doesn’t stop.

So I guess the trick is to know when to walk away, and have the courage to do it kindly. Be brave enough, strong enough, and soft enough to say, ‘Hey, I know you’ve been hurt, and I’m sorry that happened to you. And I’m not going to stay and let you do the same to me.’

Be wise enough to know acting out is not the same as working out, and indulging negativity is not a way to solve it. They need professional help, not a psychological punching bag, and that letting them use you to exercise their demons is no good for either of you.

Some people see that as abandoning someone that needs help. It feels more loving to martyr yourself, to give them another chance, to believe that your wholesome love will get through to them, heal their hurt, and make them better. You’ll be patient. You will fix them. And they will love your forever in return. You’ll be the one person in life that never gave up on them.

Or, you know, you’ll be dead.

It’s hard to walk away, and some people never do. They just stay there and take it forever, losing themselves in the process. So now you just have two broken people instead of one. Well, the older I get, the more I learn to be kinder to myself. Sometimes, that means refusing to ‘save’ someone else.

♫ human ♫ Rag ‘n ‘bone man ♫