I’ve never considered cutting. It just didn’t occur to me. I guess because I’m terrified of pain, and not too wild about blood or broken skin. Scabs maybe, but not the raw stuff. But I do get the thinking behind it … probably because it’s the space I’m in now.

My teenager tells me everybody cuts, and that it’s no big deal. Unfortunately, one of her crowd took it over the edge and ended up in hospital, but that’s not my story to tell. My story is … well … feeling so much emotional hurt that a physical outlet seems better. It’s an inkling that if I had something tangible to focus on, then it would dull the torture inside.

Some people cut for the opposite reason. They’re so numb and dead inside that physical sensation – even the negative kind – will remind them they’re alive. Seeing their blood flow out proves that they’re still breathing. But because those dark spaces are cyclic, they keep needing the razor-sharp mnemonic. And anyway, beer is better, so if you’re cutting, you can get cheap-to-free non-judgey help at Amani Centre of Befrienders Kenya.

I’m big on MBTI and I’m a feeler, so I’m supposed to prefer ‘feeling’ over ‘thinking’ and be comfortable with my emotions. My best friend is a thinker, so it’s always been my assumption that I can handle sentiment better than he can. Turns out it isn’t the case. See, he … feels things. He doesn’t try to figure them out, because digging into feelings is exhausting. He prefers logic.

So when he feels something positive, he goes with it. When he feels something negative, he sits still and waits for it to pass. It’s a lesson he’s trying to teach me, because I give so much weight to my feelings that I’m obsessed with understanding them. So I analyse them to breaking point, and if they’re illogical (which feelings generally are) then I suppress them.

Here’s the thing with the stuff you suppress. It eventually pulls a coke bottle on you, and the sight is never pretty. I thought I had learned this lesson already – especially since my therapist made repeat the exercise so often. Turns out I wasn’t paying attention.

I’ve been holding in a lot of shit and it’s coming out explosively. So then I just started tuning it out with beer and weed cookies, but that just pushes it down further. Also, it makes me wake up with cramps. So this week I decided no cookies, no beer (also, I was super broke). I decided I’m just going sit with this shit and feel it. And you know what? Feelings suck raw eggs. Send beer.

♫ Basket Case ♫ Green Day ♫

16 thoughts on “Pain

  1. With havin so much written content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement? My site has a lot of completely unique content I’ve either created myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my permission. Do you know any solutions to help protect against content from being stolen? I’d really appreciate it.

  2. I’m so happy to read this. This is the type of manual that needs to be given and not the random misinformation that’s at the other blogs. Appreciate your sharing this best doc.

  3. I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good.
    I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going
    to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

  4. I like what you guys tend to be up too. Such clever
    work and coverage! Keep up the fantastic works guys I’ve incorporated you
    guys to my blogroll.

  5. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know a lot approximately this, like you
    wrote the book in it or something. I feel that you
    could do with some % to drive the message home a little bit, but
    instead of that, that is magnificent blog.
    A fantastic read. I’ll certainly be back.

  6. Hi there, I found your site by way of Google while searching for a related matter, your website came up, it seems
    to be great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

    Hi there, just became aware of your blog thru Google, and located that it’s really informative.
    I’m gonna be careful for brussels. I’ll appreciate in the event you proceed this in future.

    A lot of folks shall be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

  7. My partner and I stumbled over here different page and thought I might as well check things out.

    I like what I see so i am just following you. Look forward to looking at your web page again.

  8. Hi, Neat post. There’s a problem along with your web site in web explorer, could check this?

    IE nonetheless is the marketplace leader and a good component
    to other folks will pass over your great writing because of this problem.

  9. Its such as you learn my thoughts! You seem to know so
    much approximately this, like you wrote the e-book in it or something.
    I think that you simply could do with some
    % to power the message house a bit, however other
    than that, this is excellent blog. A great read. I’ll definitely be back.

  10. This is a topic that is close to my heart… Thank you!

    Exactly where are your contact details though?

  11. Hmm it appears like your site ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so
    I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and
    say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog
    writer but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any tips for
    beginner blog writers? I’d really appreciate it.

  12. Please let me know if you’re looking for a writer for
    your blog. You have some really good articles and I
    believe I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of
    the load off, I’d really like to write some articles for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.

    Please send me an e-mail if interested. Many thanks!

  13. Hey there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to
    give a quick shout out and tell you I really enjoy reading your blog posts.
    Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same topics?
    Many thanks!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.