When you see his heart in every song

And see his face in every smile

When the thought of his arms can make you cry

Even when you’ve never felt them

 

When you think of him and laugh

His slightest gesture stops your heart

When, for the first time in years,

Your words come out in rhythm and rhyme

 

When it hurts so bad inside

To think he never will be yours

Is that love?

 

Perhaps

I should learn not to fall

So easily.

♫ Torch ♫ Alanis Morissette ♫

Scoured and gored

By hands that felt no passion

Skin rubbed sore by palm prints

Thumb prints

Empty pats and cold caresses

Stained by baseless lust and pain

 

Until I felt it

The touch that cleansed me

Wiped away all others

Singed my skin with beauty’s fire.

 

It stoked the smile inside me

Scorched my soul with endless heat

Left my thirst unquenched

Unsated

Unabated

By glorious waters that never

Ever

Ever go away

I wanted to write you a poem … but I couldn’t find the right words.

I hate when that happens.

See, I’m a writer.

And writers always know what to say.

So I get mad when I have no words.

 

Logic makes me mad too.

Logic says I should investigate.

Ask. Seek. Knock.

Find out if you’re married.

Or have a girlfriend.

Or might be gay.

 

But I don’t really want to.

I might not be your type.

And I don’t want to be disappointed.

 

It’s funny … it almost seems … predestined.

You just keep showing up everywhere!

I first saw you on the street – you were gorgeous!

I didn’t think  about it very much. You were just some guy I’d never see again.

Then I got home, and my brother had a photo of you.

Said you were his cousin’s uncle’s girlfriend’s half-brother twice removed.

 

Coincidence.

 

Then I went to work.

I walked through the cafeteria and …

There you were, meeting the guy upstairs.

Hmm.

 

The boss sent me on an errand. Some flowers for his girlfriend.

I opened up a Google map

and took them to her office.

You were sitting near the lobby, just behind the door.

Six inches of glass lay between us.

And a security guard.

And a key card.

And the fact that you didn’t know I was alive.

Crud.

 

Then I got transferred.

New place, new space, just signed the papers.

I’m looking at them now.

There’s a duty roster.

Guess who’s on it.

Hm.

 

So it looks like I’m meeting you tomorrow.

Really meeting you, in person, for the first time.

The boss will say, ‘This is 3CB, she’s new.’

 

Will you look at me and know that my hands are sweating?

Or that my insides are shaking?

Or that my tummy is flipping?

 

And what will I say?

What will I do?

I mean, it’s only a crush, right?

Like Jen says, it’s not like I’ll faint…

 

Well, I know what I won’t do.

I won’t shake your hand.

I won’t blabber or stammer.

I won’t trip on my boots.

 

I’ll keep my mouth shut, give my best mysterious smile, and make a little girly wave.

Smile and wave girl, just smile and wave.

I’ll pretend you never run through my mind.

I’ll pretend I haven’t looked at your wall.

Or your profile.

Or all of your tweets from last year.

I’ll pretend I don’t even know your name.

 

And then I’ll try hard,

Really, really, really hard,

Not to get drunk and confess

At my first office party.

♫ Last Christmas I gave you my heart ♫

♫ And the very next day, you gave it away. ♫

I always thought the song was sappy.

Like when you sing a song that says

♫ I’m over you! ♫

♫ I don’t need you anymore! ♫

Yet the very fact you sang it means you’re not …

If you were, you wouldn’t sing.

 

Last Christmas, I gave myself to you.

Or maybe, in some ways,

You gave me to me.

You showed yourself to me,

and you showed myself to me.

Through your eyes, I saw me as I really am.

 

But now I feel my gift is gone

Because you’re gone.

You gave to me the gift of … me!

And then you walked away

Taking all that ‘me’ with you.

 

I used to be a goldfish.

Safe behind the glass,

Staring at the world outside,

But never once daring

Or wanting to join.

At least until you came.

 

Now you’re gone

And I splash inside a bucket,

Waiting for the Fish Tank Master

To plop me back into the pool

Where I belong.

♫ Cold ♫ Crossfade ♫

 

That moment

That one terrifying moment

When I bare my all

When I stand before you, uncovered

Unprotected

Unashamed

And you stare at me

Blank

Unmoved

 

I wish you had giggled in amusement

Then I’d have laughed too

And we’d have tumbled in the grass, on the floor,

Exploring the thin line

Between laughter and passion

 

Or perhaps an excuse

Some reason why

The flimsiest barrier

Between you and my desire

 

But instead

The silence

The darkness

As I gather the shreds of my pride

Fill all the gaps in my head

And swear to myself

Never again

Never, ever, ever again

Will I allow myself to trust

The smile of a stranger.