♫ Hide behind your walls… ♫

Every once in a while, I bump into a song that touches me deeply. I often make it my new ringtone, or play it non-stop for days. The songs range from heartbroken lamentations to odes of angst, and they move me for different reasons. This morning while walking to work, I bumped into this song, and it’s been on replay ever since.

♫ A crowded street can be a quiet place when you’re walking alone.

I don’t know why it struck me with such force. Maybe it’s because I’m at a place where everything is right, yet everything feels wrong. I have an awesome new job that I love. My baby is thriving as a girl scout. I have a chance with a boy that I adore. I’ve found a path that suits me beautifully. Yet I’m still moping around, and I can’t think why.

3 Doors Down has always been one of my favourite bands. I don’t know the members’ names, their story, or even their greatest hits. I just know I like a lot of their songs. This one speaks to me because I’m that exact moment, the moment where I’m afraid to try things because I don’t want to fail. But like the man says:

♫ If you’re afraid to fly, then I guess you never will.

Yesterday, I directed my first ever radio commercial. Most fun I’ve had in ages! Then I did something called an aura photograph, which told me my aura was orange. Apparently, people with orange auras are ‘creative, productive, adventurous, courageous, and relate to emotions.’ The photo came with a 23-page analysis, which veered between being uncannily accurate and immensely amusing.

I don’t consider myself adventurous. I describe myself as conservative and introverted. When I said this to the people in the photography room, they burst out laughing. Apparently, you don’t get to call yourself reserved when you have tattoos and purple hair. *shrug* Anyway, that’s the frame of mind I was in when I found my OCD song for today.

♫ Your mistakes do not define you now, they tell you who you’re not. ♫

My new boss gave us an assignment last week. He asked to find the answers to three questions – our passion, what things [the company can do to] make us happy, and what [skills] we bring to the table. The task was easy for me, because all three questions are answered everyday, in my mind, and on my blog.

One thing I’ve learned – and not for the first time  – is that sometimes, having everything you want doesn’t make you happy. Sometimes, simply being happy makes you happy. I don’t quite know how to do that yet, but I’m working on it. I’m definitely working on it.

It’s the only one you’ve got3 Doors Down

Free to be … free!

I’ve been in session with depression for a while now, and this weekend, things got really bad. I won’t go into details, but I’ll say that I got yelled at by the one I love most. He was totally right of course, and I learned some very important things.

Depression has a trigger. Sometimes it’s big, sometimes it’s small. Sometimes it snowballs and spirals out of control. But there’s always a root behind it, and sometimes the root is hard to find.

Today I found what my root is: I don’t think I’m good enough. And it doesn’t matter how much I get praised, loved, or admired, I’ve just never been worthy in my own eyes. That’s why I set the bar so high and cry when I don’t reach it. In my mind, I’m never going to reach it.

My Love says it’s all in my head, and he’s right. Only I can believe that I’m good enough, only I can convince myself I’m worthy.

Every time I fail, it proves my thoughts that I’m undeserving. But like my life coach says, I have to believe that the good things I do beat the bad things I am.

I wanted a reason to get up in the morning, and here it is. Every day when I wake up, I’ll strive to do something good. If I do enough good things, they will make up for the bad, and I’ll be cool in my eyes again. Or maybe I’ll be cool in my eyes, period. Then maybe I won’t have to sing so much about the purple hair *cheeky grin*

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

When Mr 3CB told me the premise for this movie, I thought hmm … okay … so what can be so cool about a movie where you already know the ending? I mean, it’s Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. If The World had won, there wouldn’t be a movie, right?

But my Mr loved the movie, and I mostly trust his opinion. The movie starts with some ol’ school sound effects from Super Mario or something, and that really caught my attention. And then:

Not so long ago, in the mysterious land of Toronto, Canada, Scott Pilgrim was dating a High Schooler.

The little voice outside my head tapped Mr 3CB and said ‘Oh, I am so going to like this movie.” There were comic book captions with descriptions of the characters. They transitioned the scenes too. Interesting.

But about 5 minutes into the movie, the band plays. Their name is Sex Bomb Omb, and they were a lot better than I expected. That’s when I officially decided I like the movie.

Wait. I lie. I decided I liked the movie when I read the captions ‘Knives Chau – 17 years old’ and ‘Young Neil – 20 years old – lives here.’

 

The story is basically this. Scott meets the girl of his dreams, but in order to win her over, he has to defeat her seven evil exes. Also involved are Goth girls, ninjas, vegans, purple hair, and some really good bass.

It’s pretty safe to say I liked this movie. It had  some cool effects, and throwbacks to old 8 bit videogames. Plus the geek guy kicks ass, which is a nice surprise. Very anti-cliché. Did I mention purple hair?

I like this film because it’s kind of silly, and kind of romantic, and kind of awesome. I question the leading boy’s taste, but it’s his lovelife, so yeah. Personally, I’d go with Knives, or Kim. Natalie and Ramona are kind of … you know … bad.

My favourite lines in the movie are:

Scott: amazon.ca … what’s the website for that?

Wallace: … amazon.ca …?!

My second favourite is by Scott’s sister, I forget her name.

Wallace! Again?!

You have to watch the film to understand. Wallace is my personal favourite by the way. Kim is a close second.

Others beautiful lines include:

Did you know Pacman was originally called Puckman? They changed the name because they were worried people would change the P to F … I’ll leave you alone forever now.

Aaaaaaaand:

Hey Comeau, you know everyone, right? Do you know this one girl with hair like this?

Not forgetting:

We are Sex Bomb Omb and we’re here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

I think the coolest part in the movie comes about 30 minutes after it starts:

This song is called ‘I am so sad. I am so very, very sad.’ It goes a little something like this …  ♫ *drums*guitars* ♫ sooooo sad! ♫ Thank you.

At that point, I *dead* went to funny-bone heaven, and came back to earth to *dead* again. You can forget about the buried part. That part of the movie will forever be etched in funny-bone history. I shall replay until the files gets scratched, then I’ll fix it with a patch and play it again. If you ever see me crying as I silently giggle myself to death, it will be because of that part of the movie.

I liked this movie so much that I watched it two days in a  row, Totally worth it. I hear they made it an 8-bit videogame, and that there are comic books too. I’m not so much a comic book fan, but for this, I’ll make an exception. Plus, I finally have an excuse to break out the joysticks, so hurray for Scott Pilgrim!

That is all.

Katanayagis Twins AttackSex Bomb Omb

Did you know Pacman was originally called Puckman? They changed the name because they were worried people would change the P to F … I’ll leave you alone forever now.

Luck vs presentation: Celebrating Pointblank

I like nice people. I know the world isn’t full of them, and they mostly have no place in business, but I like nice people. Be nice to me and I’ll probably buy your product, even if it’s slightly sucky. Lie to me, and your business is history as far as I’m concerned. And last week, I put this into practice in a very curious way.

I was looking for Bouncy Castles, so I Googled ‘Bouncy Castles in Nairobi’ and ended up on this page. I skimmed and realised the prices were basically the same, so I looked for other methods to sift the wheat from the chaff. My first concern was contacts. They all listed phone numbers … and hotmail/yahoo addresses. Not good. I next checked for websites. Nada. I looked for anything else that would catch my attention – a pretty name, descriptive info, a dancing turkey, anything to give me a sign. Nothing doing. So I dialled the first number on the list. I figured if I didn’t like it, I’d inky-pinky-pon-key, or maybe just call them all.

The phone rung like ten times before it was answered, and I came that close to hanging up. When the guy finally picked up, he was professional and courteous. I asked lots of questions and he answered every one. I was going to ask where his office was, to see whether I could get a closer provider, but then he offered me a discount, which pretty much sealed the deal. I really like this guy.

The lesson here is that people will tryout the first service they see, so you need to be visible. If you’re on any list, you should be at the top. When your client drives by, make your pitch so good that they don’t want second opinions.

I needed an artist too, and after a bunch of great coincidences, I got two names. I thought I’d call them both, but instincts said to try the second name first, so I did. He answered his phone promptly and was very well-spoken. I like that. He took all of my questions, answered them immediately, and set up a meeting, though we ended up doing the whole thing online. He even gave me his plan of action and the project started right away. I gave him a deposit through Mpesa and he got to work. Everything was sorted in minutes, and I knew I was getting my money’s worth. I was quite happy with this guy. He has a nice voice, and some Google sleuthing suggests he works in radio …

A few hours later, I figured I should still call the other guy, just in case. I called and explained my project, and he suggested we talk it over on email, which was fine, except I felt a little brushed off. I was glad I’d called the other guy first. Still, I played it to the end, sent an email with my brief and everything. A few hours later, he replied, giving me the first guy’s number. Hurray for intuition!

The results of are phenomenal. He worked fast, he worked well, and I would gladly do a cartwheel for him. Please note that I don’t generally do cartwheels. The project was to build me a Manga character, and as you can see, the resemblance is uncanny. He did this piece too, and it’s truly my favourite.

Ladies and gentlemen, credit where credit is due. If you need animation done, Pointblank is the guy to call. I don’t think he has  a website … [or does he? I didn’t ask] but I can give you his details if you need them. For now, bow at his awesomeness and check him out on Facebook and Twitter. And yes, my hair really is purple – but only in sunlight.

Random Friday

I had a mild headache last night, and it developed into a migraine at some point. Coupled with disturbing nightmares, the pain made it hard for me to sleep. I tried massaging for a bit, but it only relieved the pain slightly.

Since I’m a believer of The Secret, I know I drew the pain with stress. The premise of The Secret is to stay happy. Keep yourself positive and good things will be drawn to you. It seems pretty easy, and who wouldn’t want to be happy? But it’s hard for me. I’m wired for depression. Give me any scenario and I’ll find you a sad ending. I’m an expert at finding every silver lining’s cloud.

It’s not something I enjoy. It’s not even something I’m proud of. But each time I have a daydream, someone gets killed. I could start out riding the banana boat and eating cotton candy, but at some point in my reverie, somebody will die. It’s going to take a lot of will power to overcome that, and on some days, it’s harder to put in the effort.

I have some issues I’m dealing with, and I have three more deadlines to live up to, but these three at least are workable. Meanwhile, I’ve done some email and some tweeting, so here are some random thoughts for Friday.

Last Monday morning was set aside for a breast exam. I chickened out last minute because I don’t want some stranger working my tatas. I know that it’s important and it’s free, but it still feels quite invasive. I’m seeing a client near The Women’s Hospital next Monday, so maybe I’ll man up and get it done. Maybe. Hopefully, it’ll be done by machine.

I was listening to Eminem all yesterday. I liked a lot of his stuff, but by the 5th hour, I was deleting most of the tracks. I only kept half the Marshall Mathers LP, and only one track survived in Off The Wall. It’s the song where he sings ‘Drugs are baaaad’ with an awesome hillbilly accent. Love it. Re-up was mostly skipped over, though I’ll listen to it again, just to be sure. I suspect the music didn’t change, but my mood sure did.

I think there’s depth to Eminem. He talks a lot of trash, and sometimes sounds quite violent. I don’t know how much of his persona is real, of whether it’s all for publicity. But he’s a father of three – two adopted – and he married the same woman twice.

I’ve no idea if that was love, pity, or media, but I think is says a lot when you marry the mother of your baby twice, especially when you know she’s messed up. I think it shows family values, which is an odd trait in a person who regularly slams Kim and his mum. I think there’s a lot more to Slim Shady than we’re willing to see.

I met some interesting people last week – a guy and a girl. I talk a lot one-on-one, but usually, when I meet a group of strangers, I operate in silent mode. I sit back and observe – unconsciously – and it takes me a while to realize that I’m not talking. But this time I was pretty loud. I’m not sure why. Possibly a sugar high.

By the end of the lunch time meeting, both strangers were giving me odd looks. They were both pretty good looking, and I don’t think I said anything weird. I’d love to get into their heads and see what they were thinking, but for now, I’ll just assume it was the purple hair.

A few days ago, I wanted some illustrations done. I was referred to one guy, who referred me to a second guy, and then a third. In the end, I had two phone numbers. Intuition made me dial the second number first, and the guy was good. We agreed on terms and he soon got to work. Later, I called the other guy, just to see what was up. He wasn’t as cool as the first guy, and after I mailed him the brief, he referred me to the guy I’d already chosen. Hurray for intuition!

On a whim, I decided to get a bouncy castle. I Googled ‘Bouncy castles in Nairobi’ and got a comprehensive list, complete with emails, websites, prices, and phone numbers. I called the first number on the list and got a discount. I.Heart.Google.

My conclusion is that The Secret is working for me. I was worried about attracting money, but I’m drawing a lot of it indirectly by getting great deals and discounts, all by listening to the voices in my head. I’m also hearing about a lot of good gigs. So far, none of them is stuff I want to do, but the fact that I hear about them tells me I’m on the right frequency. So, thank you Mr Universe. You rock.

AmityvilleEminem