This is how it works

I don’t get friendship, so I try not to make friends. It’s a tricky thing, because when I do find someone that I like, I don’t know what to do with them.

At some point in primary school, I decided people sucked. It was around the fifth time I got dumped by a pal. I’d get people talking to me when they wanted study tips or hotdogs for break. But since I wasn’t that athletic, I never felt at peace with popular kids. It didn’t help that I was a teacher’s pet. It was never about sucking up. It was more about coming top in class and being allergic to lying. It made me an inadvertent tattle-tale. Le ouch! So when my my fifth best friend dumped me for one of the popular kids, I decided it just wasn’t worth it and ended up being a loner.

When I first went to high school, I was quiet and sullen. It’s not really my nature, but I was sort of disoriented. Here I was, the loudest girl in primary school, surrounded by 300 girls that felt the same way. Most people tried to outshine each other. I preferred to sit and watch. I mean, it’s hard to out-alpha-female over 300 alpha females.

I eventually made friends with a girl that bullied me. I found her forward and annoying, but she she kept talking to me while I tried to ignore her, and eventually, we became friends. By second term, I felt that I was getting too close. It happened during music fests.

We were performing an event that she wasn’t singing in, so she had to stay in school for the day. I suddenly realized I felt lost without her and had no one to talk to. It was unwise to have so much dependence on one person, so we ishana-d friends. I didn’t tell her that directly – I just started finding excuses not to hang with her. She was still my best friend, and we even became desk mates in 3rd Form, but I just never quite let her in after that lonely day at Saints.

In campus, I had room mates that were really very girly. I don’t get along well with girls, so I changed rooms a lot. I did finally find a crowd I got along with, but I left school soon after. I still talk to some of my pals from campus, but since I’m not that girly, we don’t have much in common.

One of my exes found it strange that all my friends are family. Either that or people from school and work. He felt I should go out and make more friends, but I didn’t really know how, and a large part of me didn’t want to. It’s strange to say I don’t know how to make friends, because I can be pretty outgoing. Most people describe me as warm and friendly, because I’m immediate. When I meet selected strangers, I treat them like I’ve known them all my life. I like people who respond in kind.

Anyway, after I had my baby, I stayed home for a while as I looked for a job. Most of my neighbours were housewives, and I’ve never fussed much about my appearance. Plus my little girl and I have polar complexions even though we have fairly similar features, so many neighbours thought I was the mboch. When I finally joined the workforce, I didn’t get much into the social scene, so nobody knew about my background or my home life. I almost always ducked office functions.

In many ways, I found my salvation online. The Internet let me mix with people while still keeping a safe distance. It started with blogs, but I wasn’t keen on blog-ups. I eventually met one blogging friend after sharing daily emails for a year. I met two other bloggers on the same day, mostly because they were pals and ended up at the same club. I hate clubs.

After that, I joined Twitter and started making friends, if you can call them that. Apparently, I was very vocal on Twitter, and people assumed I was a socialite, even though I’m really not. In a spate of insanity, I decided to meet a bunch of tweeple, one at a time. I don’t do well with crowds. For two weeks at a stretch, I had 15 tea dates with all kinds of people. It was fun, different, and interesting … but it’s not something I’d do again.

At that point, I got stuck. I’d met all these people, done all these blind dates, but … now what? Would I hang out with them routinely? Would we become a clique? Would we go back to just online? I had no clue how these things worked.

Most people meet tweeters in monthly groups or events, so it follows that the gang will reunite once a month. Twitter cliques meet often at Chess Sunday, Poetry night, Blankets & Wine, Karaoke etc. Some even become buddies and meet up every Friday or whatever. Tweet-ups are easy because there’s lots of people, so the focus isn’t on you. You’re bound to find at least one person that you know or get along with, and there’s far less pressure to be fun or entertaining. That’s hard for me because I don’t do crowds and I can’t multitask. It’s easier to just sit with one person and converse, but not everyone agrees.

Anyway, after my large spate of one-on-one dates, I decided I’d wait and see who followed up. After all, I had no idea if I’d made a good impression. Some of my blind dates were fun and I wanted to hang out again. Some people were disappointing. They’re nothing like their online personas. Luckily, I didn’t meet anyone creepy or serial-killer-esque.

I was only home for two weeks – I lived and worked in Tanzania at the time. Out of the 15 people I met, only one asked for a ‘second date’ during that period. We hung out three more times before I left, and kept in touch once I was back in TZ. It got to a point where we were talking every day and hanging out once a week, and I considered him one of my best friends. Then we had a big fight – my fault entirely – and I pulled away, just like I always do. Sigh. Hopefully, we’ll get back to that closeness someday.

After I got back to TZ, some of my other new friends kept in touch, and we’d hang out once in a while when I was home. We still do. Some of those guys are now good friends of mine, and we sometimes talk, both online and off. Out of 15 new acquaintances, I talk to three routinely.

One of the guys fell out of touch for almost two years, but we finally met up some weeks ago at iHub, and it was like no time had passed at all. That was pretty cool. The others just sort of lost contact I guess, though we still see each other online. I suppose in a way it’s kind of sad, but I’m the type that has few friends, not many random hangout-pals, so I guess that’s okay.

Last year, I noticed that I’m an initiator. I decided to experiment and not call friends or family for a while. I sent a message saying I was free in August. I was on a break, and Princess was on a trip. I knew I was really quite flexible, and hoped to catch up with all my working pals now that I had no curfew. I decided I wouldn’t follow up on the announcement. I’d wait and see who followed through.

I didn’t see a single person for six months. And when I swallowed my pride and made those calls, I ended up meeting everyone in a week. Interesting.

With some of the people that went quiet, it wasn’t a big deal. I assume they’re like that and it’s a personality thing. With others, I felt hurt and neglected, and I’m not sure why. Feminine whims I suppose. It’s hard for me being un-gendered. I mean, I’m not enough of a female to do Gossip Girl and spas, but I’m not enough of a guy to do beer, ciggies, and sports bars. I feel weird hanging out at the salon, or meeting chick pals ‘just to chat’. But I also get emotional with my male friends when they don’t return calls. It’s maddeningly confusing.

Anyway, I’m at a point where I’m seeking out people online … again … and I’m not sure why. I guess it’s some kind of cycle. I don’t know how I decide who to meet. I’ll usually do blog comments or Twitter for months, then decide they look like fun to meet. It doesn’t always go according to plan. Some people are deliberately different online. And after that first tea, I’m never really sure what comes next.

It helps when a person seeks me out before I do. Some of my online meetings started with a DM and a phone number. Then it’s easy since they made the first move. It takes the pressure off a little, and friendships like that seem to flourish. It makes me think I should just stick with those and let people find me instead. But sometimes, you just want to meet someone. You just want to see what they’re like.

There are some people that I wanted to meet, but I was unsure. They seem so beautiful and deep that I’m afraid that I’ll look five years old in contrast. But my new friend taught me an important lesson. Depth is human too, and profound people are perfectly capable of everyday conversation, so yay!

I’ve been lucky. Most of my online meet ups have been positive. There were few awkward pauses and no gawky side eyes. Sure, there were some embarrassing moments, like being stood up at the last minute or having a person ignore texts and phone calls. Those ones were ouch. But I suppose it happens to the best of us, and I’ve done some avoiding as well.

Sometimes I wonder about dating. I’ve never really dated as such – or if I did – I wasn’t aware I was doing it. I guess it’s just like my friend thing. I guess sometimes you go out with someone once or twice then decide you don’t want them at all, so you stop taking calls and etcetera, or if you’re nicer, you say it won’t work out. And maybe sometimes you meet someone, you follow up, it’s mutual, and you end up together ever after. Ideally, in a dating scenario, the follow up comes from the guy, because if it comes from the girl and he says no, well, that’s a bit of an ouch. I suppose guys can feel just as rejected, but maybe they’re used to it because it happens more often. Or maybe they just hide their feelings better.

I admit I’m afraid of the dating game. I’ve accepted it’s a man’s world, and that things go much smoother when they’re left in charge. But I’m scared about following rules. I mean, assuming I can hide my feelings long enough for him to ask me out, I have to sit still and wait for him to follow up, which could take up to six months. And all the while, I have squash any urges to call him or text him or smother him, but I have to admit that I’m interested subtly. It’s all very complicated, and sounds really exhausting. Plus, after one date [or six months] he could always decide it’s a nay. It’s so much easier to decide that I’m simply not dating.

So as I start meeting new people that are platonic, I feel a bit uncertain about ‘what next’ and I want to run away just like I always do. After all, I can’t wonder what next if I don’t try at all, right? When I do meet people from online, I lately stick with married guys. It makes it a lot less likely that I’ll catch feelings and act on them. Defense mechanism. It makes sure my friendships don’t turn into dates.

In other news, I was Googling an image for yesterday’s post and ended up chilling with Sunako Nakahara. She’s a girl who confessed her love to a boy that responded by calling her ugly. She was so traumatized that she got into horrors and adopted creepy dolls. She sometimes has sex dreams about Freddie Krueger and Jason the 13th, and she has totally no clue of how hot she is. In typical Manga fashion, her aunt recruits four super hot boys to turn her into a lady. If they succeed, they get to live rent free for three years. Please note that these kids are all 15 years old.

When I first found Sunako on wiki, she seemed really interesting. I could draw a lot of parallels, so I immediately went to tazmo and started downloading. But on reading, I find that she isn’t quite me. For one thing, I got over my horror phase at 12, and two decades later, I still punch like a girl. Also, Sunako rocks at housework and is a brilliant cook, while I occasionally make stuff that’s palatable. Today was a meat day, and I’ve done mince, liver, and quarter. The results aren’t too bad, but maybe that’s because I was on hormones and passive aggressive.

Still, I have chapters to go through and more creepy fight scenes, so maybe I’ll find my salvation when she does. Besides, wielding a Samurai sword sure beats being Aoi Sakuraba. Her spirit is beauty, and she’s a lot like me, but she’s way too girly. I wonder if that means I’ve changed. Hm.

Soobax K’Naan

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

When Mr 3CB told me the premise for this movie, I thought hmm … okay … so what can be so cool about a movie where you already know the ending? I mean, it’s Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. If The World had won, there wouldn’t be a movie, right?

But my Mr loved the movie, and I mostly trust his opinion. The movie starts with some ol’ school sound effects from Super Mario or something, and that really caught my attention. And then:

Not so long ago, in the mysterious land of Toronto, Canada, Scott Pilgrim was dating a High Schooler.

The little voice outside my head tapped Mr 3CB and said ‘Oh, I am so going to like this movie.” There were comic book captions with descriptions of the characters. They transitioned the scenes too. Interesting.

But about 5 minutes into the movie, the band plays. Their name is Sex Bomb Omb, and they were a lot better than I expected. That’s when I officially decided I like the movie.

Wait. I lie. I decided I liked the movie when I read the captions ‘Knives Chau – 17 years old’ and ‘Young Neil – 20 years old – lives here.’

 

The story is basically this. Scott meets the girl of his dreams, but in order to win her over, he has to defeat her seven evil exes. Also involved are Goth girls, ninjas, vegans, purple hair, and some really good bass.

It’s pretty safe to say I liked this movie. It had  some cool effects, and throwbacks to old 8 bit videogames. Plus the geek guy kicks ass, which is a nice surprise. Very anti-cliché. Did I mention purple hair?

I like this film because it’s kind of silly, and kind of romantic, and kind of awesome. I question the leading boy’s taste, but it’s his lovelife, so yeah. Personally, I’d go with Knives, or Kim. Natalie and Ramona are kind of … you know … bad.

My favourite lines in the movie are:

Scott: amazon.ca … what’s the website for that?

Wallace: … amazon.ca …?!

My second favourite is by Scott’s sister, I forget her name.

Wallace! Again?!

You have to watch the film to understand. Wallace is my personal favourite by the way. Kim is a close second.

Others beautiful lines include:

Did you know Pacman was originally called Puckman? They changed the name because they were worried people would change the P to F … I’ll leave you alone forever now.

Aaaaaaaand:

Hey Comeau, you know everyone, right? Do you know this one girl with hair like this?

Not forgetting:

We are Sex Bomb Omb and we’re here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

I think the coolest part in the movie comes about 30 minutes after it starts:

This song is called ‘I am so sad. I am so very, very sad.’ It goes a little something like this …  ♫ *drums*guitars* ♫ sooooo sad! ♫ Thank you.

At that point, I *dead* went to funny-bone heaven, and came back to earth to *dead* again. You can forget about the buried part. That part of the movie will forever be etched in funny-bone history. I shall replay until the files gets scratched, then I’ll fix it with a patch and play it again. If you ever see me crying as I silently giggle myself to death, it will be because of that part of the movie.

I liked this movie so much that I watched it two days in a  row, Totally worth it. I hear they made it an 8-bit videogame, and that there are comic books too. I’m not so much a comic book fan, but for this, I’ll make an exception. Plus, I finally have an excuse to break out the joysticks, so hurray for Scott Pilgrim!

That is all.

Katanayagis Twins AttackSex Bomb Omb

Did you know Pacman was originally called Puckman? They changed the name because they were worried people would change the P to F … I’ll leave you alone forever now.

Helloooooo Drug Addiction!

Disclaimer: I’m exaggerating. Really. I am.

A few days ago, Princess develeoped a cough, so I went by the chemist to get her some medicine. I was in there maybe half an hour, and I left with Augmentin 457, Rhinathiol Blue-Bottle, 6 painkillers, and a pink packet of Alltyme panty liners. What.

The painkillers were for me by the way.

I’d had a persistent migraine, mostly from freelance stress and lack of sleep, so she gave me six pills and said I should take three a day. I’m pretty sure she said their name was Betapain, and the pills were pink. Also, she said they’d make me drowsy.

I got home and went on with my work, then at about 4.00  p.m, I started feeling sleepy. I hadn’t slept in 23 hours, and I tantrummed at my life coach, but I figured the drowsiness came from the medicine. I was talking to Mr 3CB and sounding drunk and goofy, so he made me go to bed. How I love that boy.

Next morning I woke up grinning. I haven’t slept that well in years! I did have one creepy dream about skiving school … and chicken. When I told my life coach about it, he asked if my meds were hallucinogenic. I said no. How can pink pills hurt anyone?

The following night, I still felt really crappy. I worked way past midnight, and I had to be up in four hours, so I popped another pill. It worked. My four hours felt like 10.

Somewhere amid that work funk, I mentioned to a friend that I experiment with Baileys. Sometimes. Well, actually, two times. Once he’d picked his jaw off the floor, and somewhere in between a discussion on clowns, I mentioned that it’s a bad idea to sniff heroin through your nose. Cocaine, yes, but heroin, no.

I’m pretty sure I heard the jaw shatter that time.

He diagnosed work stress, since he knows *I don’t drink* and I expect him to show up any day now with a priest, a rabbi, and Margaret Wanjiru, kuniwekelea mikono. I can’t translate that without losing the flavour, but it involves exorcism.

By the way, that nose heroin thing? I heard it while watching Pulp Fiction. Say what again. I dare you. I double dare you.

Back to my pink pills. I’ve been telling anyone who will listen how I love these pills, and how I’m glad I only have six, because I can’t stop wearing this goofy grin. I’ve only had two by the way, though this dose makes three.

I’ve had a long day, and I barely slept last night, so I’ve decided to skip Machachari and have an early night. I woke up this morning with my nose running at 6 sneezes a minute, and every time I sneeze, my head spins. I get dizzy while sitting down, and I haven’t had any pink pills since Thursday, so if it’s not unrelated, it’s withdrawal symptoms. Anyway, I decided on an early night and popped a pill to help.

When I opened the blister pack, the medicine wasn’t pink. It was yellow. What? Also, the brown envelope – as well as the blister pack – doesn’t say Betapain. It says Syndol.

Either I’m having a really bad case of gaslights, or I’ve been on a legal high for the last three days.

When I told Mr 3CB I was worried about addiction, I was just kidding around. But as I get myself prepared for a much needed stress-and-drug induced sleep, I decided to Google Syndol and see what would come up.

  1. Advantages: Quick and effective in dealing with migraine and tension headaches.
  2. Disadvantages: Make you incredibly drowsy. Codeine based medication so can become habit forming.

Oh man. What did I get myself into now? Clearly, my low threshold for substances runs deep. I get high by sniffing Reds, and now I’m addicted via three yellow pills in three days? How now?

More excerpts from a Syndol review article on Doo Yoo:

I must stress that these tablets don’t come without a few side effects. First off, they do make you more than a little light-headed. I would best describe the sensation as being a little tipsy. Everything does become a little bit hazy, and it feels like people are talking to you from a great distance and it’s taking you an age to respond. I just tell my work colleagues I’ve taken a couple of my “nutty” tablets (their description…not mine!) and to bear with me for the day. They then understand that asking me to respond to a simple enquiry or deal with a menial task may take me a little longer that day!

Side effect number two is extreme drowsiness.

The third possible and worst side effect of Syndol is that it can become habit forming if you take them on a daily basis. Syndol are codeine based, and therefore potentially addictive. Codeine is known to be addictive as it contains opium derivatives (like a mild form of morphine). These opium derivatives trigger the brain into releasing chemicals called dopamine, which induce feelings of happiness and well-being. Codeine is known to give the user a high and make them feel calmer. Allegedly, some individuals can become hooked on codeine based over the counter medications within three weeks, if taken continuously and to excess.

I’m going to sleep now. Tag me in the morning. Meanwhile, in the immortal words of Eminem …

Em: Me ♫ I’m going to hell. Who’s coming with me?♫

HaileyPrincess: ♫ Somebody plee-aase help me! I think my daddy mummy’s going craaaay-ze! ♫


Right problem, wrong solution

I was talking to a friend today. He knows that I’m a chronic worrier, and he said something very interesting:

“If you must fulfill your daily worrying quota, worry about something important.”

I had been whining because a friend had unfollowed me on Twitter.

I hang out a lot on Twitter, and I follow and unfollow at … well … I woudn’t say at random exactly. I follow people who sound interesting. I unfolow people hu typ txt msgs tht luk lk this. I follow people that make me laugh. I unfollow people who spend way too long on Chuki FM. I follow people who say stuff that makes me think. I unfollow everyone on #SwaWed […because reading in slow motion is way too much work]. I follow people with interesting user names. I unfollow people who start to annoy me, though mostly it’s just plain old PMS. So you see, my follow/unfollow pattern makes a lot of sense – to me – but it’s mostly pretty random.

I follow a lot of strangers and unfollow a lot of friends. It’s not because I love them any less. It’s because they refuse to properly use RTs. It may be because they’re much more fun in person, or because they shot off ten tweets in a minute. Yes, I know I do that too, but I rarely see myself on my timeline so yeah. *sheepish grin*

Anyway, given my hair trigger follow-unfollows, I really shouldn’t care who does the same for me, right? Except last week, there was a silent même in blogworld. Everyone was doing lists of why they did or didn’t unfollow so-and-so. I noticed I am guilty of all those offenses, and noticed some unfollowed me – twice. Ouch! Hence the whiny conversation.

manga-girl (1)

After setting my head straight, my pal says he knows that I worry, and it seems I enjoy it. Well no, I don’t. I’ve been trying to stop actually, and it’s proving quite hard. So he gave me an antidote.

“In college, girls freak out in the summer when they can’t fit into their swimsuits. They go on crash diets to fit back into them, when the simplest thing to do is buy a big bikini!

For about five seconds, I was tempted to argue against that statement. We’re girls. Buying a bigger swimsuit is … well … stupid. But I knew I wouldn’t win, so I let him go on.

“If you can’t stop worrying, just worry about something else.”

He’s right of course. I have a million things to worry about. Like meeting work deadlines, or getting bills paid on time, or washing my months-dirty jeans, or cleaning the vacuum machine, or pleasing my weevil-shaped spirit creature. The trick is to pick what’s important. The way I’m  wired, as soon as I solve one thing, I worry about something else. So I need to write up my To-worry list, then cross out the stuff that’s too silly. I just love crossing things off to-do lists, so this could be fun …

What do you want from meAdam Lambert

I want to be a videogame vixen

Mr 3CB likes videogames, so I know a lot more about tea-bagging and respawn spots than I should. The seeds were laid long ago, and as a kid, I played family games and Super Mario. I mostly liked Sega and 42-in-1. It was a cartridge that had Ramio, Joust, Gyro, Galaxion, and Mappy. My favourite one was Mappy, coz it sounded so cool when you died. I also loved Tetris, though I could never get past Level III, so I gave it up for Brick Game.

I did  bit of Donkey Kong and Zelda, but by then, the kids had become serious gamers, so I was content to sit and watch the screen while they played. I was more interested in the story, so I’d cheer them to finish a level so I could see the videos. They dared me to play Final Fantasy once, but they took away the joysticks, because instead of using strategic moves to score points, I picked spells that caused pretty colours and fireworks, used up energy bars, but did zero damage. I didn’t think to try Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, or Tekken, though I’m pretty sure the most amazing move was down-up-kick..

Knowing my love for good stories, Mr 3CB got me a video of the Metal Gear Solid storyline. There are four separate games, totalling to over ten hours of viewing. I haven’t had such fun in ages. I don’t know if I’d actually play the games – I’m pretty squeamish over guns. But those video girls are hot. Tell me you wouldn’t channel Laughing Octopus.

My favourite is MGS 3. The plotline is deep and powerful, and the sheroes are pretty strong characters. You have Eva, the super sexy triple agent who can be strong and frail at will. She pretends to be a secretary nerd so she can spy on the KGB, while posing as a defecting American who really works for China. Then there’s The Boss, the most badass woman in … in anywhere really. She gives up everything for her country – her love, her child, her skills, and eventually, her life. She’s a mighty soldier, nicknamed the Mother of US Special Forces, and she’s in charge of the Cobra Squad – not to be mistaken with Alfie’s gang.

The CIA fakes a plot that has her defecting to Russia, then gets her own apprentice to kill her as part of a deal with Russia. She dies a traitor, simply following orders, and her name is ruined in history, just as the CIA planned. The story made me cry. It was as beautiful as it was sad, and I’m surprised it took a videogame to help me get the Cold War. Who’d’a thunk?

I’m sure there was a point to this post, but I forgot what it was. Oh well. It will come to me. I’m still trying to figure out the twists in the tale, like why Naomi looked so nervous and mousy all the time, how a geek chick could be so hot, what her true motives were, and where Ocelot learned to gesture like a rugby referee. In the meantime, the hot, the wild, the crazy, Ms Raging Raven. Pure awesomness – and this one is a bad guy! I so want to be in a videogame!