I’ve been in session with depression for a while now, and this weekend, things got really bad. I won’t go into details, but I’ll say that I got yelled at by the one I love most. He was totally right of course, and I learned some very important things.
Depression has a trigger. Sometimes it’s big, sometimes it’s small. Sometimes it snowballs and spirals out of control. But there’s always a root behind it, and sometimes the root is hard to find.
Today I found what my root is: I don’t think I’m good enough. And it doesn’t matter how much I get praised, loved, or admired, I’ve just never been worthy in my own eyes. That’s why I set the bar so high and cry when I don’t reach it. In my mind, I’m never going to reach it.
My Love says it’s all in my head, and he’s right. Only I can believe that I’m good enough, only I can convince myself I’m worthy.
Every time I fail, it proves my thoughts that I’m undeserving. But like my life coach says, I have to believe that the good things I do beat the bad things I am.
I wanted a reason to get up in the morning, and here it is. Every day when I wake up, I’ll strive to do something good. If I do enough good things, they will make up for the bad, and I’ll be cool in my eyes again. Or maybe I’ll be cool in my eyes, period. Then maybe I won’t have to sing so much about the purple hair *cheeky grin*