Last night my iTunes saved my life

It wasn’t actually last night – it was more like five minutes ago, but that title isn’t nearly as catchy.

The worst thing with depression is the cycle. You get down, you come up, you get down, you come up, you get down … you start thinking it’s not worth coming up again. After all, you’ll only be up a little while before you get back down.

Sunday was a really bad day for me. Monday was only slightly better. Tuesday was a breeze, Wednesday was so-so. Now it’s Thursday, and it’s safe to say I’m down again. Right back at Sunday.

I’ve been listening to my iTunes, mostly to drown out the Naija movie Princess is watching next door. The thing with iTunes is it’s random, so it plays the songs you least expect. And when you have 20 gigs of music, it sometimes plays things you didn’t know you had.

So it was that I heard Kiss from a rose by Seal. As teens, we said his soul is really hot – partly because of the song – but mostly coz he married Heidi Klum. I can’t even say it out loud.

There’s a part of that song that had lyrics I never quite heard. Something about towers and a hill, so I Googled the song and found them on azlyrics. As it turns out, it’s not hills, it’s a pill; and it’s not grave, it’s gray. Which makes the song ten times more cryptic and five times more deep. I’m going to Google an interpretation.

Point is, I was in deep with depression, thinking about Actifed and rope, then I got distracted by the music. I’m playing it now on OCD mode, and seeing if I can figure it out. It didn’t really change things, but it stopped far less healthy thoughts. I guess it’s a new coping mechanism.

When you love someone who likes to fix things, and he sees you’re something he can’t fix … things get a little crappy. But this is a sickness, and short of electric shock therapy, it really has no cure.

They say it’s a mental disease, and some think you can beat it with your mind. I don’t know about that. What I know is what my life coach taught me. I need to take it one day at a time, and focus on getting me safely through to bedtime.

I also sift the drama from the life, and that’s a lot harder than it seems. I have to see some things as details, and I have to let them go, even if it hurts. Butterflies and boomerangs and all that.

Okay, done. Now, seriously, what the eff is a kiss from a rose on the gray, and what does it have to do with Val Kilmer’s Batman? Heidi?

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

When Mr 3CB told me the premise for this movie, I thought hmm … okay … so what can be so cool about a movie where you already know the ending? I mean, it’s Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. If The World had won, there wouldn’t be a movie, right?

But my Mr loved the movie, and I mostly trust his opinion. The movie starts with some ol’ school sound effects from Super Mario or something, and that really caught my attention. And then:

Not so long ago, in the mysterious land of Toronto, Canada, Scott Pilgrim was dating a High Schooler.

The little voice outside my head tapped Mr 3CB and said ‘Oh, I am so going to like this movie.” There were comic book captions with descriptions of the characters. They transitioned the scenes too. Interesting.

But about 5 minutes into the movie, the band plays. Their name is Sex Bomb Omb, and they were a lot better than I expected. That’s when I officially decided I like the movie.

Wait. I lie. I decided I liked the movie when I read the captions ‘Knives Chau – 17 years old’ and ‘Young Neil – 20 years old – lives here.’

 

The story is basically this. Scott meets the girl of his dreams, but in order to win her over, he has to defeat her seven evil exes. Also involved are Goth girls, ninjas, vegans, purple hair, and some really good bass.

It’s pretty safe to say I liked this movie. It had  some cool effects, and throwbacks to old 8 bit videogames. Plus the geek guy kicks ass, which is a nice surprise. Very anti-cliché. Did I mention purple hair?

I like this film because it’s kind of silly, and kind of romantic, and kind of awesome. I question the leading boy’s taste, but it’s his lovelife, so yeah. Personally, I’d go with Knives, or Kim. Natalie and Ramona are kind of … you know … bad.

My favourite lines in the movie are:

Scott: amazon.ca … what’s the website for that?

Wallace: … amazon.ca …?!

My second favourite is by Scott’s sister, I forget her name.

Wallace! Again?!

You have to watch the film to understand. Wallace is my personal favourite by the way. Kim is a close second.

Others beautiful lines include:

Did you know Pacman was originally called Puckman? They changed the name because they were worried people would change the P to F … I’ll leave you alone forever now.

Aaaaaaaand:

Hey Comeau, you know everyone, right? Do you know this one girl with hair like this?

Not forgetting:

We are Sex Bomb Omb and we’re here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

I think the coolest part in the movie comes about 30 minutes after it starts:

This song is called ‘I am so sad. I am so very, very sad.’ It goes a little something like this …  ♫ *drums*guitars* ♫ sooooo sad! ♫ Thank you.

At that point, I *dead* went to funny-bone heaven, and came back to earth to *dead* again. You can forget about the buried part. That part of the movie will forever be etched in funny-bone history. I shall replay until the files gets scratched, then I’ll fix it with a patch and play it again. If you ever see me crying as I silently giggle myself to death, it will be because of that part of the movie.

I liked this movie so much that I watched it two days in a  row, Totally worth it. I hear they made it an 8-bit videogame, and that there are comic books too. I’m not so much a comic book fan, but for this, I’ll make an exception. Plus, I finally have an excuse to break out the joysticks, so hurray for Scott Pilgrim!

That is all.

Katanayagis Twins AttackSex Bomb Omb

Did you know Pacman was originally called Puckman? They changed the name because they were worried people would change the P to F … I’ll leave you alone forever now.

Project Happyface

My child and my man are both sanguine, which means one constantly tells jokes to get me to smile, and the other asks, ‘Mummy, why are you so sad?’ three or four times I week. I love my two darlings, and I don’t want it to be their job to cheer me up. When you’re a happy person, and you’re near someone that’s always sad, sooner or later you’ll go away, and I don’t want them to go away.

I have launched Project Happyface as my first step to keeping my loved ones happy and beating my lifelong depression. The idea is to find little things to keep me smiling, so that my two big things don’t get tired of their low paying job.

Mr 3CB is frustrated because I start each day positive, then some little thing goes wrong and I launch into, ‘I’ll never get this right!’ He says I shouldn’t give up each time I slip, because this ish takes practice. I’m trying hard to listen.

This morning looked fabulous. I’ve just finished a big project, and was armed with a to-do list. I was buzzed and ready to attack the day. But then I got bad news and email, and the more bad news on Twitter. The little one was in school and the big one was at work, so I had to handle things myself. I tried to cheer up, but I couldn’t find the energy, so I went to the kitchen instead.

I’m heading for my ideal weight of 60 kilos, so I often ask why I’m eating. Thanks to Dr Phil, the voice in my head asked if I was really hungry or just eating for comfort. Luckily, there are no cookies in my house, and all I could find was leftover rice and cabbage. I made a jug or brown uji to sort my sugar fix and sat down to eat while watching … Dr Phil. What. It was either that or Catalina and Sebastian .

There was this lady on the show who was downright bitchy. When I meet women like that, I wonder what their men see in them. I mean, how can a man love a girl that’s so awful? The kind of girl who says stuff like, ‘Get off me. If you want TLC, then go hug the dog!’

Please note I have trouble dealing with women. They’re really scary, and I’m really judgemental. Also, I’m kind of … well .. I’m more like a guy, except with a uterus, double dees, purple hair, and a tendency to cry during movies and mushy adverts.

Anyway, as I was watching, Dr Phil said something about hiding behind judgement and I had my eureka moment. I have a negativity radar! When I see people, the first thing I notice is their badness. I unconsciously overlook all their good qualities and zone in on their big hooked nose. My radar beeps loudest at traits like manipulation, dishonesty, and malice. Also, it’s especially triggered by bad things that I know reside in me. Lots of times, I say, ‘Oh, she’s so xyz,’ only for someone to say, ‘Yes, but so are you?!’

Love of course does the exact opposite, so  The One will see all your good points and let them eclipse your downside. That’s how all the crazy vamp ladies get husbands. Either that or they’re really good with love potions.

Anyway, by the time I was through with lunch and overthinking, I was sufficiently distracted to forget I was upset, so I came back to my desk and continued the list. I guess distraction is a good way to deal with depression. Instead of struggling to cheer up, I can just look away for a bit and find my happyface again. Now this is a plan I can work with.

I don’t know anybody elseBlack Box

♫ The beat goes on da-da-dum-da-dum-da-da ♫

I’ve noticed an interesting shift in my personality lately. I’ve become a lot more … aggressive. As opposed to passive aggressive. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, but Mr 3CB approves, and I trust his opinion. He says it’s cool I’m finally standing up for myself, and it’s great that I’m letting out the pressure. I’d hate to blow up one day and stab him in his sleep. When people vent and flip, it’s the people close to them that suffer, and no one is closer than Mr 3CB.

A few weeks ago, I read this article about Eminem. It got me really curious, and I went rifling through my hard drive to see if I had any. I found about a gig’s worth, so yay! I didn’t actually listen to it until today. I’m still surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. A week ago, I would have been traumatised, but lately it takes odd things to disturb me.

A few minutes after I started Eminem, I clicked on this tweet and found some sickly sweet song by Bruno Mars. Just the fact that I called it sickly worried me. It’s a cute puppy dog song about how all girls are beautiful and have awesome hair and we should value ourselves blah blah fish cake yadda yadda yadda. All I could think was Bieber-Twitter-Song-Britney-Spears-Sucky-Cotton-Candy-Blergh. In that order. And while I like cotton candy, nothing in there is a compliment. I literally wanted to retch, and that’s really, really sad.

Meanwhile, I’m listening to angry Marshall lyrics and bopping my head. I wince a lot less when he’s tasteless to women, though I’m skipping  a few songs and deleting others. The ones about effing Kim, killing his mum, and shooting random people are way too angsty for me, and some of the songs are a bit to Snoop-y.

Aside from [mostly] liking Eminem, I’ve noticed I’m censoring my curse words a lot less. I should probably work on that, because I can’t write eff then tell my princess not to use it. I suppose this could be the latest stage in my delayed teenage. I’ve done cool skin, crazy hair, and puppy love, so bad music was bound to follow.

I always sort of liked Eminem – his style, not his lyrics. He’s very clever with his rhyme schemes, and his word play is unequaled. He’s got some killer tracks too – the instrumentals are all Valhalla. I used to say if he could replace the words with something clean, he’d be brilliant. There’s Christian artist who did that in the 90s. He sounded just like Eminem, except he was on Holy Ghost train. His name was KJ-52.

Marshall sounds pretty smart during interviews sometimes, and on 8 Mile, I saw that he’s capable of being – you know – not Eminem. I think that’s the first time I ever took him seriously. Before that, he was just the idiot who sung Slim Shady. The movie showed me his human side, and songs like Mocking bird affirmed the idea. I think I’d actually enjoy a conversation with him as long as he didn’t go all Em on me. I’ve just found a song called Stimulate where he says:

My

Music can be slightly amusing.

You shouldn’t take lyrics so seriously, it might be confusing.

Trying to separate the truth from entertainment

It’s stupid ain’t it?

I get sick of trying to explain.

Like Sean says, it’s amazing how he rhymes words that shouldn’t rhyme and still makes them sound so good. He’s deep too, if the songs are anything to go by. The proper songs, not the ‘My name is’ songs.

As I listen to Slim, I find that even the lyrics don’t bug me. It could be that it’s background, so I can’t really hear it. Or maybe something came loose in my brain and let the demons out – who knows. Maybe I just need to watch 8 mile again and get it out of mys system, coz that was a really good movie.

StimulateEminem

♫ Battlefield ♫ Jordin Sparks ♫

Every once in a while, a song finds me, grabs me, and shakes me till my teeth rattle. I will play said song back to back to back to … well, you get the idea. I basically put it on my iTunes and play it endlessly until the mood passes. I’ve been known to play a song nonstop for five weeks in a row. Scary. I call it musical OCD, and my daughter has it too. If she plays ♫ Shorty is like a melody ♫ in my head ♫ one more time, I’m going to scream.

Meanwhile, my song for the season is Battlefield by Jordin Sparks. According to iTunes, I’ve played it 113 times since I discovered it a few days ago.

I’ve had this song for a while. I recently downloaded about 20 gigs of music from my brother’s hard drive, then largely ignored it. So on Wednesday night, I was looking through my files to empty space for more torrents when I bumped into some Jordin. I’ve always liked Jordin, and Tattoo has previously featured on my OCD list. She has this wholesome thing going, and she has pretty hair and a Janet Jackson smile. No air was cool, and I’ll even forgive One step at a time for being annoyingly peppy. That song is like a cheerleader on a sugar high, and I can’t stop singing it.

I didn’t immediately realise why I liked Battlefield song so much. I gave it some thought after fifty plays, and decided it must be the strings. I LOVE rock, and I’ve noticed that any non-rock song that I like secretly has some subtle stone influence. Apparently, I have in-built affection for steel guitars.

A few minutes ago, I decided to shut my ears and listen to the song, to really listen to it. I thought maybe I could figure out the draw. I was surprised that after 100 listens, I still noticed new bits of music – and I guess that’s why I like it so much. It’s layered. Each playback has more gold to discover.

The song starts with drums, a nice catchy beat that makes you sit up and pay attention. For some reason, it made me think of neon-coloured Spandex, punk haircuts, and MC Hammer.

Next comes some cute piano [yes, piano can be cute] and vocals. I didn’t notice the piano until my eyes were shut. Weird. At the bridge, some deep strings are introduced, and that distracted me for a bit. They have this awesome sliding effect, and after 16 years of academic music studies, I really should know what that effect is called.

Suddenly there’s a chorus and everything just explodes in a rainbow of sound. It feels a bit like that advert where a kid puts some candy in his mouth, and suddenly his head bursts and hair flies everywhere and it’s all animated melodies and things.

The chorus ebbs into the verse two and everything disappears except Jordan, the drums, and the piano. The cycle is repeated, but it’s no less awesome the second time around. Turns out there are background vocals somewhere, and like the piano, I didn’t notice them until my eyes were closed. Now that’s what I call background vocal. They do a nice humming thing, and I like nice humming things.

I don’t know the lyrics of this song. There are few words that slipped into my consciousness, words like I guess you better go and get your armour. But those only snuck in because I’m a total control freak, so I like armour. Also, when she sings it, it sounds more like gecheraama, and that sets off endless fits of giggles.

My brother came by a while ago, and as I was walking him out, I started humming. It was totally subconscious and I didn’t even know I was doing it until he said, ‘You’ve been singing that song for the last five days.’ Oopsie.

So now that I’m done analysing, I’m going to close my eyes for a bit and listen to the words. I suspect it’s a sad song, but I can’t help smiling when I sing the few words that I know, and I’m not really sure why. Depressing songs seem to touch me way deeper than happy ones, and for some reasons, sad songs often make me smile. Yoohoo? Where are you Freud?