[F]rigid …

I watched Flight Plan yesterday. I heard about it years ago, but I decided not to watch it. I figured a movie about a crazy lady and a 6 year old lost on a plane would give me nightmares for years. But yesterday, I was feeling pretty pensive, so I gave it a few hours of my day. Loved it.

One part that really spoke to me was when Jodie Foster attacked the Arab guy and made him take out his Hilton hotel bill as an alibi. He responds with some deeply cutting words:

When I travel with my children, I keep an eye on them at all times. I don’t lose them then blame other people.

Oh ouch. But I see his point. Not about losing kids on planes, but about blaming people for your problems.

I’m a firm believer of The Secret, but the tough part is following the timing of the universe. In Ink, the blind pathfinder counts life in four beats. Every second of the day, he’s counting. 1 … 2… 3 … 4. If you can follow the beat, you can have whatever you want. You influence reactions, things can happen or unhappen, but you have to go with the timing, you have to find the pattern.

For me, the hardest thing about The Secret is knowing you can have all you want, but you must surrender to the beat.

Sometimes, you spend so long wanting something that you don’t realise it’s the wrong thing for you. Like ‘they’ say, you stare so long at that slammed door that you don’t feel the breeze from the window. I spent half my life wanting one boy and wondering why he didn’t want me back, then one day I saw him smoking and thought, ‘What the hell was I thinking?’ I wish I’d seen him light up earlier. I’d have skipped over a world of hurt.

I dated another guy who couldn’t … you know. He tried so long and so hard that in the end he figured I was the problem. After all, he was fine with other girls, so the issue had to be me. And for a long time, I believed him. It took three more guys to prove that it wasn’t me after all. *sheepish grin*

I’m a stubborn kind of person, so when things don’t go how I want, I refuse to acknowledge that maybe ‘how I want’ is wrong. I’d rather shut up and be miserable than admit that I’ve changed my  mind. Maybe that’s what I need – to acknowledge that I’m wrong, to admit I don’t want this anymore, that maybe I never wanted it at all. Or maybe I did want it – a lot – but it may be the wrong thing to want.

I’m working on something right now, and its not going too well. It’s possible I’m not very patient, or maybe I’m doing it improperly. But it could also be that I’m facing the wrong way. Maybe I should stop punching the wall and try using a drill instead. Or maybe … I should find some other way out of the room. Who says the only way out is the wall?

The Secret says the purpose for the time delay is to let you change your mind. You might have a think and decide what you wanted is not what you wanted at all. With The Secret, you can turn away and manifest something else – even after you have what you want. So maybe it’s just time to manifest something else.

Or maybe it’s just PMS and all I need a drink.

Crazy writing moms et al

The Secret operates on wavelengths, and you pretty much attract stuff that’s on your frequency, so you want to be careful about where you’re standing. This week, I’m on a mommy wavelength, so mostly, mum’s the word.

I was browsing No wonder mom and saw two widgets for Bloggy Moms and Blogher. I spent the next half hour signing up for membership, newsletters and a bunch of other stuff. Then I started browsing sites by other moms, felt self-conscious, started getting down on myself, and wondered where the unfollow buttons were.

I veered away from mum sites to read Problogger. And today’s entry was written by … a mum. Simple Mom. She’s a mother of 3, has an awesome hubby, runs 5 blogs, and has a book coming out. I also found Pensieve, a gorgeous southern belle. Yes, they still make those.

With all these supermoms clouding my vision screen, it’s easy to feel like I’m coming up short.

Yesterday I had meetings, so I was running around a lot. It was cold when I left the house, and I’m out of clean t-shirts, so I felt semi-formal in my jeans and white blouse. Even with a hood lying over it, the collar peeped and made me feel school-girly again. At some points in the day, I felt important as I made game plans and signed contracts. At other times, I felt wobbly as I walked into my old workplace and found people dressed in suits and heels sneering at my shaggy purple hair.

The confidence resumed when I walked by a mirror bank window and liked what I saw, but sagged to subzero when I walked into a breast clinic. There was a hot flat girl who looked so sick she could barely stand, but her make-up and hair were flawless, and her man looked ready to cry as he helped her along. Maybe it was her brother. There was also this awesome-looking woman in jeans, boots, and head wrap. There should be a rule against looking good in hospital.

I know you’re not supposed to compare yourself with people, but sometimes it’s hard not to. I don’t know how long I’ll keep up with these mommy-site subscriptions, but I need to focus less on them and more on me. Otherwise I’ll spend all day reading blogs, feeling sad, and not writing at all.

Networks are a good thing. But when you spend all your time ooh-ing and aah-ing instead of doing and duh-ing, it can get a little pointless. It’s better to find a few key resources that are functional and useful, then stick with them. Plus, the trick is to value your own successes, do more reading offline – and surgically remove the envy gene. Let me know when someone figures out how to do that.

[Reading offline defies jealousy, because paper books don’t come with bios, galleries of professional photos, links to beautiful babies, and google-able entries of your days as a prom queen.]

I suppose this mommy frequency could be the Universe’s way of helping me meet women. I’m no good at girly relationships, and to tell you the truth, I find women scary. Maybe with babies to talk about we’ll backstab and catfight much less, especially since these women are waaaaaay over there with the internet between us. But for now, I need to review all these sites I’ve signed up for and see if I really want to stay on them, because there is such a thing as too much mommy-dom.

See you soonColdplay

Random Friday

I had a mild headache last night, and it developed into a migraine at some point. Coupled with disturbing nightmares, the pain made it hard for me to sleep. I tried massaging for a bit, but it only relieved the pain slightly.

Since I’m a believer of The Secret, I know I drew the pain with stress. The premise of The Secret is to stay happy. Keep yourself positive and good things will be drawn to you. It seems pretty easy, and who wouldn’t want to be happy? But it’s hard for me. I’m wired for depression. Give me any scenario and I’ll find you a sad ending. I’m an expert at finding every silver lining’s cloud.

It’s not something I enjoy. It’s not even something I’m proud of. But each time I have a daydream, someone gets killed. I could start out riding the banana boat and eating cotton candy, but at some point in my reverie, somebody will die. It’s going to take a lot of will power to overcome that, and on some days, it’s harder to put in the effort.

I have some issues I’m dealing with, and I have three more deadlines to live up to, but these three at least are workable. Meanwhile, I’ve done some email and some tweeting, so here are some random thoughts for Friday.

Last Monday morning was set aside for a breast exam. I chickened out last minute because I don’t want some stranger working my tatas. I know that it’s important and it’s free, but it still feels quite invasive. I’m seeing a client near The Women’s Hospital next Monday, so maybe I’ll man up and get it done. Maybe. Hopefully, it’ll be done by machine.

I was listening to Eminem all yesterday. I liked a lot of his stuff, but by the 5th hour, I was deleting most of the tracks. I only kept half the Marshall Mathers LP, and only one track survived in Off The Wall. It’s the song where he sings ‘Drugs are baaaad’ with an awesome hillbilly accent. Love it. Re-up was mostly skipped over, though I’ll listen to it again, just to be sure. I suspect the music didn’t change, but my mood sure did.

I think there’s depth to Eminem. He talks a lot of trash, and sometimes sounds quite violent. I don’t know how much of his persona is real, of whether it’s all for publicity. But he’s a father of three – two adopted – and he married the same woman twice.

I’ve no idea if that was love, pity, or media, but I think is says a lot when you marry the mother of your baby twice, especially when you know she’s messed up. I think it shows family values, which is an odd trait in a person who regularly slams Kim and his mum. I think there’s a lot more to Slim Shady than we’re willing to see.

I met some interesting people last week – a guy and a girl. I talk a lot one-on-one, but usually, when I meet a group of strangers, I operate in silent mode. I sit back and observe – unconsciously – and it takes me a while to realize that I’m not talking. But this time I was pretty loud. I’m not sure why. Possibly a sugar high.

By the end of the lunch time meeting, both strangers were giving me odd looks. They were both pretty good looking, and I don’t think I said anything weird. I’d love to get into their heads and see what they were thinking, but for now, I’ll just assume it was the purple hair.

A few days ago, I wanted some illustrations done. I was referred to one guy, who referred me to a second guy, and then a third. In the end, I had two phone numbers. Intuition made me dial the second number first, and the guy was good. We agreed on terms and he soon got to work. Later, I called the other guy, just to see what was up. He wasn’t as cool as the first guy, and after I mailed him the brief, he referred me to the guy I’d already chosen. Hurray for intuition!

On a whim, I decided to get a bouncy castle. I Googled ‘Bouncy castles in Nairobi’ and got a comprehensive list, complete with emails, websites, prices, and phone numbers. I called the first number on the list and got a discount. I.Heart.Google.

My conclusion is that The Secret is working for me. I was worried about attracting money, but I’m drawing a lot of it indirectly by getting great deals and discounts, all by listening to the voices in my head. I’m also hearing about a lot of good gigs. So far, none of them is stuff I want to do, but the fact that I hear about them tells me I’m on the right frequency. So, thank you Mr Universe. You rock.

AmityvilleEminem

Manifesting money and other secret nightmares

Note to self: Ditch the long titles. They look really weird on the home page.

I’m a big fan of The Secret. I’ve the read the book a few times and watched the DVD enough to scratch it. Luckily, it’s an original, so it doesn’t scratch.

On some days, I wish I hadn’t discovered The Secret. It’s too much pressure. See, religion is easy. When anything good happens, we thank God. When anything bad happens, The Devil must have done it. I don’t need to make a decision, I just follow the writings in a big Holy Book, and if I do it right, or get saved, or perform virgin-earning services, I can scrape past the firey gates. Easy peasy.

But when you have no religion, things get a little … tricky. On one hand, it’s cool that I pick my own right and wrong. On the other hand, so does everyone else. Which means there’s no standard, and I can’t complain if my right is someone else’s left wrong. If, for example, my best friend’s morality says it’s okay to sleep with my husband, then I can’t really complain. Similarly, with The Secret, everything in my life is entirely up to me. I can’t look to higher powers for voodoo hexes or miracles. It all happens within my mind. And that’s scary.

I take my baby to Sunday School every week. It’s a great excuse to bond with her grand-dad, and I don’t want her to rebel against nothing. When she finally starts to question her faith – because at some point, we all do – then it would help if she had some basis of faith to question.

But I’ve never liked church, and I don’t quite have faith anymore. It took all of last week to decide who to pray to, since I can’t call on deities whose presence I doubt, and ‘Dear Powers Of The Universe’ is a bit of a mouthful. I settled for ‘Mr Universe’, because it can’t be inanimate, and I’m not enough of a feminist to call it a Ms.

In my own mind, I’m really lazy, but mostly I’m an overachiever. I set my bar so high that I have to stand on a ladder and tiptoe just to see it, and I don’t like to tiptoe. I can’t even do high heels! Which is why I think I’m lazy.

But if I step back for a second and look through other [people’s] eyes, I realise I’ve done a lot. In one year of working with The Secret, I’ve managed to get my soulmate, my dream job, a cool flat, a good school, and perfect hair. Sweet!

But one thing I have trouble with is money. I was able to manifest stuff that wasn’t urgent, because I could leave it to The Universe and its perfect timing. But when I need a set figure on a set date or else, it gets a little harder to let go and let God The Powers Of The Universe.

Every time I watch The Secret, I learn something new. Working the Law Of Attraction is a three-step process: Ask, Believe, Receive. To ask is to make a wish. To believe is to accept that it can happen, and to receive is to act like you already have it. I realised that while I was okay with asking, visualizing and thanking, I didn’t have the ‘believe’ part down. I’m so intellectual that it was hard for me to stop analysing potential ‘hows’, and that stifled my magnetic ability. I had no mental concept of how the stuff would happen, and therefore I couldn’t see it happening.

Once I got over that hurdle, I realised that the timing sucked. In the video, Jack Canfield says how he manifested $100,000 in a year [though it ended up being $92,327 or something like that]. Joe Vitale says, ‘Intend to have $25,000 in thirty days, but pick a time and scope that’s believable for you.’ Well, I’ve been trying for X amount of money in two weeks, and it sucks because with every day that passes, I get much closer to panic.

The thing with LOA is that when you panic, you kill it. The more you get afraid, the more you build resistance, and the more you weaken your own magnet. Yet with every day your wish doesn’t appear, you get more and more panicked. It’s classic FCT – Fox Chasing Tail. Yes, I like abbreviations.

Last week, I was able to manifest a tortilla. A tortilla for f***s sake! But I can’t quite manifest the Xsh I require because I want it too badly and need it too much. There’s has to be some way to focus on this with passion and not scare it away in the process, but I don’t know what it is.

Joe Vitale says there isn’t a specific timetable for exactly when you’ll manifest something. It could take 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 years. I’m cool with that for some manifestations, and I guess the relaxed attitude will help them come faster. But sometimes, you only have two weeks!

Lisa Nichols says The Universe knows the quickest shortest way to manifest, so you have to just trust its timing. She says its not your job to change the world or the people in it. You just have to flow with The Universe and celebrate its parameters.

Now that’s all very nice … but I still have that two week deadline that I’d like to beat, and patience is not my strong suit. Help!