The strangest thing happened today. I crashed, and I have no idea why.
The day started great, I was ridiculously happy for no particular reason, all giggling and dancing and rocking away, planning to finish the fifty pages of editing that was my target for the day. I was sure I’d be through by three.
Then we had some crazy staff meeting that took half the day, and I got some stupid text message that upset way more than it should have. Maybe it’s a culture thing, maybe some people are slow, maybe I’m just more &^&*%^*(&^ than I thought, but for whatever reason, I got upset. Very upset.
At first I was so mad that I sat completely still, shaking on the inside. Then it all came out and I ranted at anything in reach, mostly chat, twitter and email. Then I felt a wave of ‘Nobody understsands me, nobody sees why I’m mad’. Actually, even I couldn’t really see why I was mad, so I went back and ‘rubbed’ all the tweets. Yeah, I know.
Then I charanted some more to a pal who was probably staring at his screen doing the SMHW thing, asking himself how he made friends with this nutcase. One brave soul [and how I love this boy] actually came out and said ‘Crys, you’re being crazy, calm down’. Yes, I do sometimes need some people to grab me by the shoulders and shake me back to sanity. Note that I say some people – because if certain other people tried that, they would swiftly lose a few teeth.
Anyway I went to the bathroom, locked myself in and cried until my chest hurt. And prayed. I have no idea what I was praying for, but as I sat in there with my heart breaking for no reason I could understand, I prayed. I still had no idea why I was so upset mind you.
Then I came back to my desk for the customary quiet. Because everytime I lose my temper, I’m left with this sickly vacuum, I feel deadly quiet, calm, empty. I hate that feeling, that still sadness. It hurts more than any emotion I possess.
Then I started to curse myself, to wonder why I have to be such an ass about everything, why I have to get so unreasonably pissed about stuff, why I take certain things so personally, why I feel like I have to explain the inexplicable to the people I care about, and why I get hurt when they can’t understand me, even though i know that I am clearly impossible to understand. Loveable yes, but utterly incomprehensible.
Then I heard this song and just like that, it all went away.
You’re worth so much
It’ll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything
You’re wanting to be
You’re wanting to be
Tears falling down again
Tears falling down
You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you’re drowning
In your imperfection
You mean so much
That heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are
Revel in your day
You’re fearfully and wonderfully made
You’re wonderfully made
Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin
You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you’re drowning
In your imperfection
You’re worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes
Every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons, skeletons
You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you’re drowning
In your imperfection
Won’t you believe, yeah
Won’t you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you
You’re not the only one
You’re not the only one
Drowning in imperfection
Imperfection by Skillet
There are days when I doubt the existence of God, but then I pray, and I hear a song sung straight for my heart, and I know that I can never doubt.
Thank you JC, you’re the best.
And thank you W, D and J for letting me be me, and for loving me for me. You are probably not going to read this, but you are my rocks and I would be lost without you. For you I reserve endless love and hugs from the deepest part of my silly little heart. Group hug, heehee. (((You)))
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