A how-to guide on how-to guides

I spent most of today on Dosh Dosh, a blog on internet marketting. It has lots of useful guidelines, but the best part is … it’s filled with Manga. Yes, I am partly Otaku.

The thing with sites like this is they can be a little … scary. I’m sure the word I’m looking for is intimidating, but I will stick with scary.

Working online isn’t anything new, and lots of people have done it before me. So it makes sense to borrow their wisdom and not make the same mistakes. But when you read a post like this, well, it’s overwhelming!

The post gives 50 very specific things that you should not do while blogging. Some of them are standard, like

Don’t use tiny fonts.

Others are finicky, like…

Don’t use page titles with ‘The’.

Some seem sensibly obvious, like…

Remove the homepage link; it’s confusing.

or even

Blog links should say where they go.

I’d never have thought of that.

But some of the tips are things you do naturally, almost without thinking, like changing the colour of visited links, which I think is automatic.

When you read a post like that, you can use the formula to create a perfect, working website, but then it feels contrived. Maybe it’s because I’m an artist. I’d prefer to be given a block of wood and a chisel and told to carve a goat than be given a mould and liquid metal.

Not that I can do anything with visual art … I’m strictly a wordsmith. Couldn’t draw to save my last five cent coin.

I always fall back on Ken Follet. He’s written hundreds[?] of novels that are all pedge-of-seat-page-turners. You start the book and you can’t put it down because he’s used all the classic plot tricks: start with action, end each chapter with a cliffhanger, introduce one character at a time, and blah and blah and blah. And because he’s used the formula so well, you read his books in record time.

But when you get to the end of the book, you’re thinking, ‘So now?’ It leaves you with a void, which many people fill by buying another book. Which is great, because that way, he makes more money.

For me, it isn’t quite enough because I find his books hollow. There’s lots of content, high interaction, the story is gripping … there’s even a moral. But there’s very little soul. And I like soul.

That’s what you get when you follow a how-to guide: beautiful content, but very little context.

Sometimes, there’s merit in doing things the hard way, stumbling along, making mistakes like everyone else, using the same old clichés … and telling your story from your own perspective. After all, two people can eat a banana, but when they talk about it, it won’t sound the same. Writing is like that, and so is life.

How-to guides have their place. They’re a pretty nifty shortcut to good work, and I like shortcuts. But I like to make my own rules too … even if they end up being the same as everybody else’s. It’s cool when you do something your way, then hear expert advice which proves you were right all along. You won’t feel quite as confident if you got the advice before you used it.

When my baby was learning how to walk, she would hold on to tables and chairs for support. But one day I noticed that she’d sneak behind the sofa, run a full stretch unaided, then come back to the front and hold chairs the chairs to walk. It was almost like she didn’t want us to see how good she was. That way, she could one day surprise by learning to walk ‘overnight’.

I realise I’m using adult psychology on the games of a 1 year old child, but I can’t help thinking that she was a lot smarter than the rest of us. After all, when we bought her squeaky shoes so we would always know where she was, she learnt to move on tiptoe so we wouldn’t hear the shoes squeak.

How-to’s teach us skills overnight. They’re the ultimate shortcut. But sometimes the best way to learn how to walk is to put one foot in front of the other and move.

Speaking of shortcuts, here’s a pretty good one for you. Instead of doing all your word-work on your own, you could simply hire me. I’m pretty good at it, and I  rarely disappoint…

Can PMS be banned from the office?

I had a 9.00 o’clock meeting today, and I didn’t want to be late, so I left the house at 7.00. I figured the rain would aggravate traffic, and since I needed two matatus, it was better to start early.

By the time I got the message that the meeting was cancelled, I was at Wilson Airport and it was too late to turn back, so I sat in the jam an hour longer then decided to get a power sandwich since I’d skipped breakfast.

I’d skipped the gym as well, so I thought it would be cool to walk to Uchumi Hyper. The drizzle was slight, but I had some good music [Yay X-Fm] and a warm red jumper.

When I finally got to Uchumi, it was barely open and the sandwich people were running around trying to set up. There were lots of clients waiting, so I hovered near the artificial queue.

After maybe ten minutes, I stepped aside to receive a phone call, and when I was done, the queue was gone – yay! So I stood by the sandwich place waiting to be served. For fifteen minutes.

Well, maybe not fifteen, but it felt pretty long. I wanted to walk away once or twice, but I was badly craving that sandwich.

I don’t know why I wasn’t being served. The sandwich people were huddled in a corner, and they kept walking up to me then totally ignoring me. I suspect it was my posture – I had my shoulders slumped, I was lost in the music, my head was down, I was semi-daydreaming, and I was dealing with my own PMS. Plus, I didn’t look fussy enough to cause a scene.

Eventually, a lady came over and barked at me. She startled me so much that I asked for a thigh turkey sandwich. What I really wanted was a polo thingy – which is much smaller.

Usually, when I order my sandwich, they ask me what size, what bread, which sauce, and if I want toppings on it. But Angry Lady just stormed off and started assembling the thing, even as I pleaded with her not to put chilli.

I thought about making suggestions, but the look on her face was more than just scary. Clearly, her level of moodiness was higher than mine, so I silently watched her and prayed she’d wouldn’t get it wrong.

I thought about it as she fought the big white bread [I prefer it small and brown]. In any other place, the client would have stormed off after such treatment, or at least they’d have refused the sandwich. But I figured I’d already lost half an hour, I was really hungry, and I’d finally found my green yoghurt, so I was mostly happy. I waited patiently, paid for my sandwich and left.

Luckily, all she did was use wrong bread and cucumbers.

I read an editorial by Binyavanga Wainaina in Kwani 04. He describes a bus trip in South Africa. The bus driver was drunk, and Binyavanga’s response was to sit behind him, go to sleep, and hope nothing bad happened.

The South African ladies on the bus chose to force the driver off the seat and select a burly fellow passenger to drive the bus. The whole scenario merely irritated Binyavanga, and I share his sentiment.

A while later, he was back home in Kenya, and got off a bus because it was overloaded. He made quite a fuss, but fellow passengers accused him of being proud and thinking he was better than them. After all, they were glad to ride in the smelly bus, so who did he think he was? They were still grumbling as the bus drove off.

Binyavanga’s point was that Kenyans have learnt to accept the status quo, and we get irritated when someone tries to change it, even if that change is for our own good. We prefer to live, let live, and have fate take care of things. And the last elections – in many ways – made our attitude worse because many people felt their opinion – and their vote – didn’t matter.

In my case, I stood there, watching the Angry Lady and hoping she’d get my sandwich right, but I didn’t do anything to ensure it.

Sometimes I feel that way about my business. I want it to be bigger and better than it is, but I don’t actively do anything to make that happen. The ‘business’ side of business can get pretty boring if you’re not a born marketter, or an accountant.

One thing I am proactive about is writing. So I’ll make you a trade. You can handle the business side of your work, and I’ll handle the write-ups.

Need some copy written for your website? A flyer, a job post, some policies, or even a letter of appreciation? Swing it this way and I’ll take care of it. Then you can peacefully go about the business of looking good and getting rich. Deal?

Life imitating art: Hinder and Rihanna vs Mya

Nittzsah, a fellow writer over at Diasporadical wrote about the Ushenzi/Ungwana campaign. It’s a series of adverts on Kenyan TV which aims to change social behaviour.

In one advert, a girl drops an ice cream cup on the floor in a busy street, and doesn’t bother to pick it up. She then giggles derisively at the council worker that does. In another ad, a taxi driver argues with his wife because he has found a purse with a lot of money, and decides to return it to its owner.

I find the ads amusing and entertaining, but I don’t know if they actually change anything. After all, I’ve never walked into a soda shop prompted by a Coke ad.

But at some level, these messages do filter through. My daughter insists that I buy Dettol, Lifebuoy, [and Barbie dolls] simply because of ads on TV. She also thinks Scotts Emulsion is cool. Growing up, that stuff was considered the worst form of punishment.

So for kids her age, it’s possible that seeing an honest cab driver on TV would make her less likely to steal.

It’s said that media is the best gauge of a society. It reflects what people are thinking, seeing and doing. But media also seeks to influence our habits, and it’s sometimes hard to tell which is which.

In 2000, a pretty RnB artist named Mya released a song called Case of the Ex. It had an awesome dance video and some pretty clever lyrics. It talks about a girl challenging her man when his Ex calls at 12.00 a.m. She wants to know how he’ll respond now that his Ex wants him back. The tone of the song is angst, and we can tell the girl isn’t amused by this Ex lurking around.

I liked this song because it was catchy. It had a great dance beat, and it spoke to the little pitbull inside me. It felt pretty good to sing  the attitude even though I’m not the kind of girl that will fight over a man.

Five years later, a rock band named Hinder released Lips of an angel. It covers the same theme, but from a guy’s perspective. He’s talking to his Ex, wishing he was with her, while his girl sits blissfully in another room. In this case as well, it an ex-based booty call.

Unlike Mya, this song always makes me cry. It isn’t just the Emo tone and the sad guitars … it’s the whole idea. He sings to his Ex…

… you make it hard to be faithful with lips of an angel.

Every time I hear that line, I get all teary for the new girlfriend who’s clearly being cheated on, emotionally at least. I wonder why he broke up with LadyEx in the first place if she was so awesome, and why he can’t just dump this new girl and get back the old one instead of sneaking around like that.

There are other lines that kill me:

Just knowing that you’re talking to me will start a fight. No, I don’t think she has a clue.

My girl’s in the next room, sometimes I wish it was you. I guess we never really moved on

Poor new girlfriend 🙁

The fact that both these songs hit massively says a lot about society. Often, a song becomes popular because it expresses what many people feel. In the 90s and 2000s, it was okay to stand up for your love. Songs about cheaters and break-ups were largely angry. We had hits like…

  1. Don’t mess with my man – there’s a version by Nivea and one by the girl from En Vogue
  2. How am I supposed to leave you now by Westlife
  3. Why you over there looking at me [while my girl’s standing here] by Ma$e

Later, the trend seems to change. Cheaters become apathetic and helpless, but not necessarily sorry. They realise what they’re doing is wrong, but they don’t plan on stopping. Sample these:

  1. Unfaithful by Rihanna
  2. Dilemma by Nelly and Kelly Rowland
  3. Confessions by Usher

Love has always been complicated, but it gets really sad when the world says it’s ok to eff things up then sing about it.

Songs begin with words, and words and sound are a pretty good way to express emotion  – whether you’re a bitchy ex-girlfriend or a late-night drunk-dialler. And words work best when they’re written down.

I take a lot of things to heart, because words can heal, and they can hurt. I can help you get those words across, though I would rather do it with angst than curl up and cry.

Whether you need a Taylor Swift to put tears on a client’s guitar, a Petey Pablo to get someone to show you the money, or an Ashley Simpson to warn off a jealous girlfriend, I’m the one to say it for you. From ghost writing to love letters to web copy to fan mail, I’m your girl, so call me!