I read an article recently on the false myth of catharsis. Most of us believe that if you’re pissed off and you go hit something … or someone … then you’ll feel better. I tried the trick while doing taebo last week, and pretended I was punching and kicking a special someone’s face. Unfortunately, the face would disappear just before I hit it, so either I didn’t really want to hit, or I have really bad aim.

We’ve also been told that bullies usually have deep seated problems, and that they lash out at others to hide their fear and need to be loved. If we would just reach out and hug them, they’d be fixed in a jiffy.

Uh huh. I dare you to hug the next cop that waves a truncheon at you. I guarantee it doesn’t end up  like that cop story in the first Chicken Soup.

Truth is … I have no clue on the anatomy of bullies. I think some people just like to see others hurt. You can’t explain the teenage boy who tortures cats with Freud. I’m sure it has nothing to do with his missing dad, his sex starved mum, or his puppy. Unless of course he thinks a cat is his mum. Or vice versa. It’s more likely the boy just likes to torture cats.

What about the guy or girl who gets rejected then tells the girl, ‘No one would want you anyway. You’re fat and ugly b***h.‘ Never mind that he clearly wanted her not five seconds before. Isn’t that simply spreading out his pain?

It’s the same with a battering wife or husband. You could say he … or she … is confused by culture, doing what he’s expected to do, showing love in some twisted way, trying to exercise control … and all that could be true. But a part of him … or her … just likes the violence.

A lot of times it’s more about lashing out. You’re angry and hurt and pissed off and this person just strays into your path asking to be kicked, so you kick. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes you consciously hurt one person to indirectly hurt the one they love. It’s not right, but it happens, especially during divorce and custody battles.

Which brings us to the case of real bullying, the deliberate, orchestrated kind that is planned and bred like some sick habit. It starts with grabbing the nerdy kid’s lunch money. It may be fun the first time. You feel really big and get an extra ice cream, but when you start stalking the kid and sniffing him out as he tries to sneak past you, it becomes something else.

A few months back, there was a trend on Kenyan Twitter called #MonoTasks. It described the hell that Form One kids go through as they meet the real world. Some of the bullying is harmless at the physical level. Sometimes the bigger kids just take your food and mess with your mind. Sometimes they humiliate you by making you always walk on the left [or right] side of a senior.

Sometimes, the cruelty is silly – almost funny, like when big kids play ‘One green mono standing on the wall/pool/bridge’ and when it gets to the part where one green mono should accidentally fall, the mono in question has to either get hit by a stone, fall off the bridge, or jump into the pool. No, you’re not evil because you laughed.

But sometimes, the bullying can get sinister. If you’re asked to scoop water from one bucket into another using a fork, to get change for a fifty cent coin, or to spell out a whistled tune using vernacular alphabet, you might be tempted to laugh too. But if you fail, you will either be robbed or beaten within an inch of your life. If you happen to be pretty or attractive, you may find your jam a whole lot worse.

A lot of people want their kids to go through this. They think it toughens them up and prepares for the real world. After all, we’ve all had an overbearing boss, and even the most successful businessman has been bullied by a traffic cop. That’s just the way life is. Plus, in a  world where A’s get hired by C’s and B’s work for the government, being bullied might be the push that makes you the next Bill Gates.

It reminds me of an episode in ER where Elizabeth Chorday accidentally OD’s a patient and almost kills him. She’s an excellent British surgeon with decades of experience, but she’s forced to rewind her internship to get American papers, and in her exhausted, half-drunk-intern state, she damages a patient.

When she faces the disciplinary committee, she explains the horrors of internship and suggests they scrap it completely. The doctors laugh her off. After all, they all survived internship without killing anyone, so everyone should suffer just like they did. They prefer to forgive her and simply cover up the mistake.

Monolization is a little like that. We all tut-tut when a really bad case gets somebody’s baby killed, but for the most part, we feel a little beating makes us stronger. And as for confronting bullies, kids who rat out seniors are better off transferring. To a day school. A rich day school. Preferably, one with GCE.

Bullies come in many shapes and sizes, from the cheerleaders who bully the chess nerds to the sorority and fraternity pledges, makangas, and dirty cops. I’ve seen them taken on lots of times, and you might feel a litty bitty glow about defending yourself, but it makes little or no difference in the long run. Unless of course you believe in kharma … or know what happened to this guy when the cops were done with him. We all enjoyed the show and praised his balls on Twitter, but after beating up a traffic cop and going on the news, I’m pretty sure he’s missing vital body parts.

So then, how do you deal with bullies? Do you simply serve your time and hope you don’t die? After all, you’re only a mono for a year. The next year, you get your revenge on the new kids, and no, it doesn’t matter that they’re not the ones that bullied you.

If you’re bullied at work, do you simply get a new job? Why stand up to the boss if he’ll just move on and bully someone else? Do you sit and quietly take it then grow up, make millions, and call them to gloat on Jenny Jones?

The last time I had beef with Safaricom, I threw a tantrum … and my simcard. A few days later, I had to buy a new simcard because some clients prefer to pay for work that way. I’ve also had issues with my phone, so my Mpesa line is mostly in my wallet. I don’t use it for calls, though I sometimes keep it in an old phone.

When I first came home from TZ, I bought a Safaricom line, because it seemed like the logical thing to do. I already had a dormant Zain line, and an idle Orange one for internet. I soon discovered only Yu had network in my house, so I sent out line-changing texts and exiled my other simcards to my wallet.

I’ve written a lot about my beef with service providers, and my loudest words have always been against Safaricom. But an interesting thing happened over Christmas. I don’t know if it’s Bob Collymore, the Niko na advert, the price war with Zain, the offers with Yu, or all the above, but for some strange reason, Yu is now unsteady in my house, Zain is practically non-existent, and Safaricom rings clear as a bell.

I suspect Yu made a bunch of people buy lines, and the Airtel hype got crowds to vuka too. So both lines are now congested while Safaricom is suddenly empty. Maybe that’s why all their calls get through. More than once, people have tried calling all my numbers, and have  only gotten through on Safaricom.

I received an important call from Kisumu on my Yu line last weekend, but we could hardly hear each other. Out of desperation, I tried calling back on my Safcom line … and had an amazingly clear conversation. Naturally, I was traumatized.

One of the M-pesa managers – Mr Alvin Okari – contacted me severally during the Soap Box fiasco. We got off on the wrong foot, but he was much nicer afterwards. He got my neighbours’ cell numbers and promised to bring network to my building. I expect his efforts have a lot to do with this.

Mgema akisifiwa tembo hulitia maji.

I remember this proverb from my primary school days, and I was worried that my praises for Yu might … you know … go to their heads. The proverb roughly translates: ‘When you praise a brewer for his beer, he dilutes it with water.’ I suppose the idea is to increase the volume of the drink and subsequently increase business, but it waters down the beer – literally – and that will scare the customers away. Unless of course they’re too drunk to care.

I’ve acquired the unfortunate reputation of being ‘that girl’. You know, the one that’s always ranting about cell phones on DR? It can’t really be helped, seeing as I have three of them. And unfortunately, after many weeks away from DR, I am back doing what I do … ranting about phone providers. Le sigh.

I’ve had nasty words to say about all our cell phone service providers, but in the past, I spoke highly of Yu. I liked their rates, and the fact that I could always get through to Customer Care. I was miffed when they wouldn’t stop sending me texts, and annoyed when a Customer Care Rep hung up on me. But I stuck with them. After all, it was the only line that worked in my house.

But a few months ago, Safaricom styled up, and an Mpesa manager brought life to my building. He specifically made sure that they got me good network. Yay!

Incidentally, or subsequently, all other lines became unclear. Interesting. I wonder if Safaricom blocked them. I wonder if that’s even possible.

Nah, probably just me being paranoid. Still, Safaricom suddenly getting clear and everything else suddenly getting murky sounds a lot like ergo proctor proctor. So anyway, I now use a twinsim, with Safaricom as my main line, and Yu as a second.

A few days ago, my brother switched to Mpesa after about a year on Yu. The reason was that Yu had him mteja for several days, and he didn’t even know it. He wondered why expected calls weren’t coming through, and why we were all yelling at him for keeping his phone off.

No, he hadn’t put his phone off.

[I say *switched to Mpesa* because we all have a largely idle line used purely for sending money. It’s a good idea to keep the idle line loaded, because Safaricom deducts 10 to 20 bob a month from idle lines, so after a while, it reads empty, with or without calls.]

When he reinstated the Yu line, we had a strange experience. Each time I called him, I was redirected to some lady talking about Dunda tunes. I hung up the first few times because I thought it was his voice mail or something. Turns out he had been forcefully subscribed to Dunda tunes, and he was sent a text instructing him on how to unsubscribe. Ala!

I assumed he had unwittingly bought in, so I ignored it. Half an hour later, I received a text congratulating me. Apparently, I had been subscribed to a service that gave me 20 minutes of free Yu-toYu calls every day for 5 days. On the 6th day, they would charge me 5 bob, and continue to do so ad infinitum. The text ended with instructions on unsubscribing.

I followed the instructions and unsubscribed, but I received the text five more times, that day, which means they effectively resubscribed me each time. How now?

A different text informed me that I could now call any network for 2 bob a minute. Yay? Er … no. Because what happens is I load my phone with 100 bob, get a bonus of 50, and as a result of the badly warped math, I end up paying 2 bob per call. Er … ok.

Here’s the thing. Most people don’t read texts to the end. Promotional texts come in every five seconds, and Yu has consistently refused to stop the spamming. I tried getting it done and had agents hang up on me. So as you happily ignore these texts or delete them without reading, you’ll start to wonder why your airtime is suddenly dissolving into nothingness-ness-ness.

I have whined so much that at this point, there is little else to say. Airtel has little drama, but has sucky network in my house. Safaricom is just special, no elaboration required. And now Yu has decided if the big boys can play, the little guys can too. The only ones that suffer are subscribers.

It’s getting so you can’t tell one mobile provider from another. I suppose that’s just as well, since we’ll soon be allowed to migrate without changing our prefixes or numbers. In the next few weeks, dialling 0733 may not necessarily mean you’re getting through to Airtel, so I suppose it’s only fair that they should share their dirty tactics.

I don’t have any wise words or retaliatory actions. We can’t boycott phone companies since they’re all doing the same thing. And once the changing-tarrifs-keeping-numbers-issue is sorted, it won’t matter anyway. So I leave you with two non-text-ual messages.

(a) Always read the fine print.

(b) Read those silly texts before deleting them.

PS: According to my Zuku bill, prices are going up by 500/= as of April 1st. Funny, I could swear the fibre they were laying in Lang’ata and Kilimani was going to bring prices down to a K. Also, you can now pay via Mpesa. Hmm … ergo proctor proctor anyone?

I notice that customers in cities – me inclusive – love to whine about Safaricom. But their social events and causes won them legion fans upcountry, so complaining about Safaricom is futile. It’s more of a venting exercise than constructive criticism. And while I’m now mostly using a Safcom line, I’m not going all psychophant … mostly because my pride won’t let me. Still the tables have turned, and now, twin sim or not,  Saf is the most reliable network in my bedroom. Aw crud.

I guess people flocked to Zain-Bharti-Airtel when they went three bob, and that Yu’s marketting made them more popular than they could handle. Either that, or the winds changed and my house moved. I hope Yu gets their act together. They need to increase capacity and give me an excuse to brag about them again *cough*cough*hint*hint*

Until then, *sad dramatic sigh* Niko na Safaricom. I trust you can tell I’m not happy about this, but hey – whatever works. I won’t bother with more line-changing texts. I’ve already sent out four this year, and if I do one more, somebody is going to scream.

Apparently, there’s this episode on The IT Crowd where Jen has to make a presentation to the rest of the company, so Moss and Roy give her a box and tell her it’s The Internet. When she makes her presentation, Moss and Roy are surprised that nobody is laughing. Turns out everyone else thinks the box really is The Internet.

I haven’t actually watched this episode. I started watching IT Crowd the same time I started watching Big Bang Theory, but I didn’t get into the former. Actually, I didn’t get the former, though both were recommended by my baby brother.

Here’s the thing. IT Crowd is hilarious to those who understand it. But me, I’m like the people in Jen’s presentation. The jokes aren’t jokes. They’re real life. So each time some Support guy giggles over questions that are asked, I frown in puzzlement and say,

‘You know, I asked that once.’

And I still don’t get how you can fix machines by turning them off and on again. It works, I’ve seen it work, but still!

I’ve always wanted to be a geek. I think they’re hot. I get super excited to hear geekinese. It’s not so much the language – it’s more the way they light up. Geeks are often socially awkward. They may not be the stereotype nerds, but they sit quietly as you talk about – oh … I don’t know … Britney Spears? But the second you mention gigs, bits, and apple, they’re like a jock at a soccer match. It’s adorable.

I’ve always wanted to understand what they say when they start with the geekspeak, but I’m content to watch their eyes dancing. Plus, geeks are really good in bed. At least the ones I’ve had were.

That aside, I try to be a she-geek. It’s hard because I’m slow with these things. I’ll see a geek do something cool and get him to explain it – in English. But they can’t really do that because what’s obvious to them isn’t obvious to me. I once tried to get a buddy to show me how to get my comp to stop making strange noises. We were on G-talk, and the conversation went something like this.

Him: Have you checked the oiuoijoiypiu?

Me: oiuoijoiypiu?

Him: Yes. It’s the one that runs the rtftretrd on the trdtdtrs.

Me: trdtdtrs?

Him: You don’t know? Okay look, why don’t you click on the polkpokpoi and see if theutuytiuyr is working?

Me: theutuytiuyr?

Him: Yes, it’s the little blue button next to the i87887987.

Me: i87887987?

Him: I’m going to bed.

[One day, I shall find my very own geeky love who finds my blondeness cute.]

Thing is … I pick up on things fairly fast, so if the geek is patient enough to teach me, I’ll be doing it like a boss. Then the next time a pal gets stuck on their machine, I will casually throw around the iuyhpyu and the 7yiuhliuy8 and they will think I’m some kind of binary genius. I have friends who think I’m a whizz with computers. Poor suckers.

I remember explaining Twitter to a pal once. A week before, we’d both been n00bs [aw crud, it doesn’t work on Georgia. Meh.] But after Sessions with Geeks, I explained my lessons to my pal using big words like aggregator, client, and url shortener. I could see his  jaw drop miles away.

I often call myself the Queen of Technobofia, because I’m aware of the gaffes that I’ve made. I especially feel that way when my computer won’t go on. I call my baby brother wailing, he comes over, touches the machine, and it wakes up. I still insist he has traces of Micah Sanders in his blood.

There are things I can do for myself. I can post links, images, and youtube videos. I can explain why wordpress is better than blogger [though I really don’t get tumblr]. And I put some cheeky text into my comments thingie – though I really can’t remember how I did it. It had something to do with code, xml editors,  and Google. I have no idea what any of those are. Except for Google. Still, I’m far from pulling stunts like this. This would be so cool.

Anyway, this morning, I bumped into this story. A geek had his laptop stolen, so he accessed it remotely, found an embarassing video of the thief, and posted it on youtube.

First off, the video wasn’t all that embarassing. Compared to me, the guy dances quite well. Second, I wondered if it was a hoax. Can you actually get onto someone’s computer and pick off videos and files? Really? I posted the question on Twitter and got zero response.

[People on Twitter are interesting. Sometimes, I’ll post a trivial question and get 10 responses in five seconds. Other times, I’ll post something importnat and hear … pindrop. I wonder what the criteria is.]

I wondered if someone could access my machine. There’s a lot of stuff on here that I wouldn’t want on youtube. I also wondered about wireless safety. People always say it doesn’t work, but I wonder what you can do with it. I mean … if someone breaks your password, they can use internet without paying. That’s the worst they can do … right? They can’t get my details and access my house keys … right?

You’re probably wondering why I’m so worried. It’s not that my laptop is stolen or anything, but it’s had at least five previous owners, and I’m concerned that one of them might be watching while I type. Creeeeeepy.

I went a-googling but I couldn’t find any explanations in English. All I got was:

‘Remote acess is a yguygouyu that lets you iuihj8uihu9 in the computer that is oiuoiup98uoiu;o.’ Ai!

In the end, I ran into this story and this story. They both explained – in English – exactly how remote access works. Yay! It turns out you have to pre-install it onto your machine.

Buuuuuut … since my machine has previous owners, they could have installed it long before me. And I’m still shaken about the IT guy who remotely [and un-ask-ed-ly] put porn on my office desktop. It had sound and everything … and I didn’t have my headphones! Luckily, I was alone when I opened the machine. Man!!

So, the point of this post is to wonder aloud. What exactly can a spurned geek do – and more to the point, what does he not have access. I’ve written once before about how easy it is to cause cyber havoc via chat, but knowing someone can get on my laptop and turn on my webcam is a whole nother story. I wonder if The Net and stuff like that is as far from the truth as we think…