♫ This is torture, this is pain ♫
♫ It feels like I’m gonna go insane ♫
I’m having a bad day, and those are lines that I’ve taken completely out of context, because they express exactly what I feel. Yes, I feel tortured, because there is stuff that I’m itching to say … but I can’t say it! 🙁
I’m a writer and a communicator, so it’s really frustrating when it’s impossible put something down. It’s bad when I can’t find the words to express myself, but it’s worse when I have the words, but I’m not allowed to use them. I call it growing up.
For most people, blogging was initially an anonymous thing. It never was for me, because that’s how I make my living. I get paid for what I write, so it’s totally counterproductive to do it with an alias. I do ghostwrite sometimes, but that’s different, because it’s not really my stuff I’m using or my story I’m telling. Ghostwriting is more like being a pen to a writer without hands. You’re simply transcribing their genius.
Anyway, I’ve been blogging for a while now – almost five years! I’ve seen lots of other bloggers close up shop. Sometimes they say the fad simply ended. For others, they ran out of time. But for most people, what killed their blogs is familiarity. They got to know the subjects of their stories, so they just couldn’t tell them anymore.
I’ve never had that problem because – well – I’m a blunt little b***h. I generally say what I think, even in moments when I shouldn’t. But as Biko said a few weeks ago, you can never know anyone well enough to be blunt with them. Unless you’re their mother. Smart boy that one.
Anyway, it’s been an interesting few weeks or me. I did the unthinkable and went for a party. Several parties actually. For some reason, I have this sudden positive outlook from God knows where, and it made me think it’s a good idea to socialize.
I can’t seem to stop smiling, and frankly, it’s starting to worry me. It could be reverse PMS, but I think there might be something in the rain. Anyway, I found myself feeling unusually warm and outgoing, so when I received the party invites, I said yes and showed up. It was totally impromptu, so I was barely dressed up. I just went as I was. Three times. Luckily I’m not in the habit of walking in the nude, so yay.
They were really … interesting parties. I have a thousand stories I could tell from every one of them. But noooo. The people at the party read my blog. Some bright spark decided to announce that I’m 3CB, and that didn’t really go down well.
[Please note that I know these people personally, and they know that I write. A lot of them are family and friends. They just didn’t know that 3CB was – you know – me. And since they don’t comment, I had no idea they read. Oopsie!]
Now, it’s easy to look at that girl who was flirting like she was on sale, and to giggle and make jokes about that outfit. It’s a bit harder to describe the way she walked up to me and dissected a blog post in detail. So now I can’t write about the colour of her … cutex.
Or that boy who was sitting in the corner feeling like God’s gift to … well … everyone, and how I had to bite my tongue to stop from laughing as he tried to chat me up. Until he found out who I was and became an instant genius, talking about the hidden message in my poetry.
[Please Note Number Two – that these scenarios are fictionalized, because, you know, I can’t tell you what really, truly happened, so I’m cooking up examples instead. Really, I am.]
The reason I refuse to be honest is I met these people. I talked to them. We had conversations. We remembered our childhood. So suddenly, they’re not just random coat hangers to pin onto a story. I can’t write my opinions when I know I’ll hurt their feelings.
That’s sad, because I think of all the people that I wrote about before. I wonder if they read about themselves and cried. It was different then, because I didn’t know them. I met them once or twice, or sat next to them in a matatu. Back then, I was just talking about some random girl with a really bad mohawk. But after spending two hours talking to said girl, it gets a little hard to trash her hair. Given my new frame of mind, I wonder if I’ll ever blog again.
On the bright side, I’ve been thinking about doing more of fiction, and this is the perfect time to do it. I just have to find a way to make these people into stories that are basically lies. I used to do it pretty well in high school, so it’s time to dust off the old storyboard and multicoloured notebooks. It won’t be easy, but it’s bound to be fun. I hope. We’ll see.
Another upside is that there are people I can write about, people that read this blog. I can say that I met a couple of girls this week, and they’re both pretty cool. That’s a big thing for me because girls scare me. I’m not sure why. I blame it on testosterone. I keep saying I have more of it than I should, but nobody believes me! Either way, cheers to Aisha and QQ for restoring my faith in womankind. Y’all rock.
Addendum 1
As I was about to hit publish, my net got disconnected. But I talked to the nice people at Zuku and they put it back on for me. You’d be surprised how far you can get by being calm and speaking softly. Plus, they got a new voice on the Customer Care line that sounds less like a robot and more like the guy next door. Hot!
Addendum 2
Social media is interesting. Actually, scratch that. People are interesting. I like to think I only have one side, and that you get to see that side at three o’clock in the morning. Some people beg to differ. But point is … some people are different online.
You see someone on Twitter or MKZ, or even on chat. Then you meet them in person and they’re totally different. Some get even more confusing by being altered every time you meet. That might be a special case though. It might be about making first impressions and being not-quite-sober. It could even be a matter of sugar highs and coffee.
I used to wonder about that, and I used to judge it. I used to think it must be really, really hard being two different people. But then again, that’s what spies are all about, right? We have double, triple, and even quadruple agents in CID, so I guess they exist in real life too.
Anyway, I read a blog post a few minutes ago. The first sentence irritated me, because it seemed to be talking right at me, and it wasn’t saying anything nice. The next few paragraphs annoyed me, because the writer seemed shallow and … well … annoying. Then the final half was totally different. In some ways, it contradicted the rest of the story, and for a while, I was really confused. It was like someone completely different wrote it.
Or maybe the writer is just two people in one. In some ways, I guess we all are, and no, it’s not always about schitzophrenia. That’s why we don’t want our bosses, in-laws, or mothers on Facebook. Though – just for the record – the day my princess unfriends me or ups her privacy settings, I’ll probably go straight to Hacking School.
Addendum 3
There was a Bata competition via Twitter titled #MamaKnowsBest. I don’t deny the power of mums, but I think it’s only in their children’s eyes. I’ve been a mother for almost ten years [well okay, 8-and-a-half] and I still feel I don’t know nada.
She knows that I love her and would do anything for her. She also knows I sometimes hide chocolate and ice cream – and it’s not to protect her teeth. She knows that when there’s junk food in the house, we split it down the middle, and when her half is gone, she may not have mine. I’ll sacrifice my life and my womb, but hands off my pizza child!
She knows that I yell when I have PMS, and that I apologize after. She knows I’ll answer anything she asks, but that I won’t give her my passwords. Yes, she asked.
‘Mum, it’s not fair. You know my Facebook password but I don’t know yours!’
Hehehe.
She knows that I adore her and will always take her side, but if she hit some kid outside and she had no reason for it, she’ll get a spanking and a hug, usually in that order. And the jury is still out on which of us throws larger tantrums.
But truth is, most days, I feel totally out of my depth. I do the best I can, but my choices are mostly fluke. #MamaKnowsBest is just a woman spewing anything that comes to mind when asked, or sometimes, mimicking her own mum.
That said, today was hard for me, and my mummy called me. While she didn’t fix things, she made me feel all better for a while. Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and first thing in the morning, and princess and I had a fight. She stormed off and went to watch cartoons, and when the presenter started reading out Mother’s Day messages, my princess changed the channel. Today, she gave me a hug and said, “You’re a good mummy.” Why? Yoghurt and cake, 50-50. So maybe in her own way, she thinks I know best too 🙂
Addendum 4
This post clearly took really long to ‘print’. I got some bad news from a prospective client that has me really down. I suppose it’s good in some ways, because the project has been pending for two months, and it’s nice to no longer be hanging. But it’s still pretty depressing, especially since the project came with a Mac. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Like the song says…
♫ Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end ♫
♫ I know who I want to take me home ♫
♫ Take me home ♫
♫ Closing time ♫ Subsonic ♫
Was awesome meetin you sweets!! :))))))) and dont u dare stop blogging! We! What will i read?????????? Nah uh. The fiction angle sounds good tho. I had the same problem with my blog – my fam reads it. N i cant talk about the awesome night spent clubbing or that hot guy without a fone call from my dad (yes my dad reads) or my b.f. Iv even had to take posts down :(((( sigh. I started anotha blog. Just for me. I dont care if any1 reads it. But i post all my crap on there. Un edited. Just goo flowing from my brain. N it feels great. Whether THAT one is truly anonymous who knows. Lol. But hey, anonymity is overrated no? No? Lol. xx!
pretty cool!
Always great reading your posts Crystal.
I also have never blogged using an alias, I even used my real name on FB [prior to deleting account] and Twitter too.
Now, speaking of bad days, how about you listen to some of the inspiring music I keep listening to, e.g. Daniel Powter’s Bad Day?
Cheers all the same 😉
I blog and tweet anonymously and I intend to do so for as long as I will.
Me likey.
Hi, I do believe this is a great site. I stumbledupon it 😉 I may come back yet
again since I saved as a favorite it. Money and freedom is the
greatest way to change, may you be rich and continue
to guide others.
My partner and I stumbled over here coming from a
different web page and thought I should check things out.
I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to exploring your web page for a second time.
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an really long comment
but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t
appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Regardless, just wanted to say great blog!
Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this write-up
plus the rest of the website is really good.
I simply want to tell you that I’m beginner to blogging and site-building and certainly liked this web site. Very likely I’m want to bookmark your website . You definitely have awesome articles. Kudos for revealing your website.
As a Newbie, I am permanently exploring online for articles that can benefit me. Thank you
Many thanks for this article. I would also like to mention that it can often be hard if you are in school and just starting out to initiate a long history of credit. There are many college students who are simply trying to pull through and have an extended or positive credit history is often a difficult thing to have.
My brother suggested I might like this web site.
He was totally right. This post truly made my day. You can not
imagine just how much time I had spent for this
information! Thanks!
You are my breathing in, I have few web logs and often run out from to post .
Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was wondering your situation; we have created some nice procedures and we are looking to trade strategies with others, please shoot me an email if interested.
I cling on to listening to the newscast speak about getting boundless online grant applications so I have been looking around for the top site to get one. Could you tell me please, where could i find some?
I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an shakiness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.
F*ckin’ tremendous things here. I’m very happy to look your post. Thanks so much and i’m taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?
I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your blogs really nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back down the road. Cheers
Helpful info. Fortunate me I found your website unintentionally, and I am surprised why this coincidence didn’t came about in advance! I bookmarked it.
I like what you guys are up also. Such intelligent work and reporting! Keep up the excellent works guys I have incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it will improve the value of my site 🙂
Hey there, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your website in Chrome, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, amazing blog!
Of course, what a splendid site and instructive posts, I definitely will bookmark your blog.Have an awsome day!
Would you be excited about exchanging hyperlinks?
Another issue is that video gaming has become one of the all-time greatest forms of recreation for people of every age group. Kids participate in video games, and adults do, too. The XBox 360 is probably the favorite games systems for folks who love to have a lot of activities available to them, as well as who like to relax and play live with other people all over the world. Many thanks for sharing your ideas.
Perfectly pent subject material, thanks for entropy. “Necessity is the mother of taking chances.” by Mark Twain.
It’s remarkable in favor of me to have a web page,
which is good designed for my experience. thanks admin
I truly wanted to make a simple comment to thank you for those nice suggestions you are posting here. My extensive internet look up has finally been compensated with extremely good points to exchange with my friends and family. I would believe that many of us visitors actually are unquestionably lucky to live in a fantastic website with so many outstanding professionals with very beneficial ideas. I feel very much privileged to have used the web page and look forward to so many more awesome times reading here. Thanks a lot again for all the details.
Once I originally commented I clicked the -Notify me when new feedback are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any approach you may take away me from that service? Thanks!
I’ve observed that in the world the present moment, video games are definitely the latest popularity with children of all ages. Often times it may be unattainable to drag young kids away from the video games. If you want the very best of both worlds, there are many educational activities for kids. Good post.
What’s Happening i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve found It positively helpful and it has aided me out loads. I hope to contribute & assist other users like its aided me. Good job.
I am very happy to read this. This is the kind of manual that needs to be given and not the accidental misinformation that’s at the other blogs. Appreciate your sharing this best doc.
Hello there, just became aware of your blog via Google, and located that it’s really informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels. I’ll appreciate if you continue this in future. Numerous folks shall be benefited out of your writing. Cheers!
My brother recommended I may like this website. He used to be totally right. This publish truly made my day. You can not imagine simply how a lot time I had spent for this information! Thank you!
I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented on your post. They’re really convincing and will definitely work. Nonetheless, the posts are too brief for starters. May you please lengthen them a little from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.
I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!
I simply could not leave your web site prior to suggesting that I really loved the standard info a person provide in your visitors? Is gonna be again often to inspect new posts.
Hi! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after reading through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back often!
hi!,I really like your writing so much! proportion we keep in touch extra about your article on AOL? I require a specialist on this area to solve my problem. May be that’s you! Having a look forward to peer you.
Thank you for another excellent article. Where else could anyone get that type of info in such a perfect way of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I’m on the look for such info.
I definitely wanted to type a word so as to express gratitude to you for some of the nice advice you are writing on this site. My incredibly long internet investigation has at the end been honored with reputable ideas to go over with my good friends. I ‘d mention that most of us website visitors are rather blessed to dwell in a really good network with very many marvellous professionals with very beneficial tips and hints. I feel very much blessed to have seen your web page and look forward to many more enjoyable moments reading here. Thank you once more for everything.
An interesting discussion is value comment. I believe that it’s best to write more on this subject, it may not be a taboo subject however usually persons are not sufficient to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers
With everything which seems to be building inside this subject matter, your opinions happen to be rather radical. Nevertheless, I am sorry, but I can not subscribe to your entire suggestion, all be it exhilarating none the less. It appears to us that your commentary are actually not totally validated and in reality you are generally your self not even wholly certain of the argument. In any case I did take pleasure in reading it.
I am curious to find out what blog platform you are using? I’m experiencing some minor security problems with my latest blog and I’d like to find something more safeguarded. Do you have any suggestions?
Together with the whole thing which seems to be developing inside this specific subject material, all your opinions are somewhat exciting. However, I appologize, but I can not subscribe to your entire strategy, all be it stimulating none the less. It seems to me that your opinions are actually not completely validated and in reality you are generally yourself not completely confident of the assertion. In any case I did enjoy looking at it.
What i don’t realize is if truth be told how you are not actually much more neatly-liked than you might be right now. You are so intelligent. You realize therefore considerably in the case of this matter, made me personally imagine it from a lot of varied angles. Its like women and men don’t seem to be involved until it’s something to do with Woman gaga! Your personal stuffs great. All the time handle it up!
An fascinating dialogue is value comment. I feel that you need to write extra on this subject, it might not be a taboo topic but typically people are not sufficient to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers
It’s really a great and helpful piece of info. I am glad that you shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.
whoah this blog is excellent i love reading your posts. Keep up the great work! You know, a lot of people are looking around for this information, you can help them greatly.
I’m typically to running a blog and i actually respect your content. The article has actually peaks my interest. I am going to bookmark your web site and maintain checking for brand new information.