I feel strangely pensive today, and I don’t much like feeling strangely pensive. It makes me feel sad about stupid things like the books I’ll never read or the songs I’ll never sing. It puts me into a frightening space in my head, and as I get older, the space becomes deeper and darker and even more scary.

Sometimes I admire those who think thoughts like this. I imagine it must be awesome to sit with them and talk with them and delve into the recesses of our own private minds. But I’ve met some of them, and it turns out they’re just like everyone else. They talk about politics and TV and dresses and cars and they never say stuff like this out loud – unless they’re drunk. I guess these turns of phrase only come out when you type. Pity. Incidentally, I met an old friend after almost ten years apart. She says I should learn to sugarcoat things more.

I like myself, for the most part, and in some ways, I suppose everyone does. I’ve been at my new job for three months now, and I still get dazed at how popular I seem to be. It’s strange to see people always smiling broadly at me and complimenting my work, when all I can do is nod absently and slip back into my headphones. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like my workmates just fine, and compliments please me just like everybody else. But I’m a hermit. People freak me out. Each time some stranger smiles at me, I want to stop them shake them, and ask them what’s so funny. So when I come into the office, sit at my desk, slip on the headphones, and ignore the office ritual of walking around and greeting everyone by name, it’s nothing personal. Asking, ‘Unauza salamu’ or ‘Tulilala nyumba moja?’ will rarely elicit more than a genuinely puzzled blank stare . Sorry, I’m broken, and I don’t want to be fixed.

Another broken piece of me resides a little deep inside. I’d still like to lose 15kg before my birthday, but I gave up on my diet because I’m really, really proud about my appetite. It’s huge. I eat all the time. So every time somebody sneered at my plate and asked if that’s all I was having, I mentally bashed them with said plate, then fled into the boardroom so no one would see me eating.

When I was fat, I made a lot of fat jokes. It made people think I was okay about my weight. Truth is … I knew they would make fun of me so I beat them to the punch. Today, I don’t have many ‘fat jokes’ but I have an awful lot of ‘I am such a guy’ jokes. My latest one is that I’m a gay dude with lady parts.  It usually shocks people into silence long enough for me to change the subject, but sometimes I run and run and run with it, just to see them squirm. I suppose there’s some truth in it, because girls scare me, I have excess testosterone, I glare at curves, and I like pretty boys. Still, my largest male threat has been anything but girly, so I guess that throws the theory down the drain.

I always assume people see me as a guy. After all, when a guy meets a girl that I know, he almost always tweets, ‘I just met XYZ and she’s hot!’ Or ‘Who knew ABC was so pretty IRL?’ Now … I’ve met a lot of tweeps, and they never say that about me. I suppose it’s because they don’t know I’m a girl. Lots of readers assume I’m a man, and apparently, meeting me does little to change that. Still, it surprised me when a good friend pointed out that I shouldn’t be afraid of mugging since I have purple dreads and walk like a dude.

Someone else was strolling with me in town. We were coming home from work and he was – in his own words – trying to be the man between us. After a few minutes, he suggested he should ask me out on a  date, just so he could teach me how to walk like a lady. I was jumping inside a flower pot at the time. It was 7.00 p.m., we were opposite Gillat, and no, you may not ask why I was jumping inside a flower pot. Also, it wasn’t a hint. I know this because we were discussing his girl at the time, planning her a special romantic surprise.

I didn’t think much about the statement, but like that episode in Scrubs where the janitor called JD stupid, I kept thinking, ‘It’ll hit you.’ And it did, because four days later, I was hunting down the one red dress that I own and trying it on before the mirror, my mind filled with thoughts of just what it would take to be a girl every day.

The thought re-introduced itself as I watched my little girl fix her hair. She’d tried instructing me on how to do a coconut, but I’ve been in dreads since before she was born, so I’m not sure how to hold a comb anymore. So what would it take to make me a girl? I’d have to get lots of dresses and pretty shoes. Or at least get girly tops for my girly shape and girly jeans. Right now, you can’t see much except my chest and the rear my mother gave me. I try to keep them hidden inside dirty jeans and king size sweatshirts.

I’d have to shave a lot. And often. Which reminds, I really should do something about my eyebrows. I tried to wield a razor today, and now it looks strange and unsymmetrical, so I’m afraid to bug the eyebrows. I could go to Beauty Options, but they keep coming at me with the thread. For some strange reason, the razor lady is always out when I pass by.

When we were kids, we had this lady from Limuru bring us milk every day. My mum would skim the cream off and put it in the veg, and I’ve been trying to re-do that for years!  A few weeks ago, I saw the Milk lady, but I was in a mat and I was late. I saw her a few more times, but I never stopped, and I was debating getting late for work just once so I could talk to her. That’s when my maid got me a new milk lady. She’s a typical farmer with gumboots, muddy pants, tired clothes, and a headscarf, but she brings us milk and makes her money. Women like that never think that they’re not girly, so why do I? With a job, school fees, bills, one income, and two babies to feed, you’d think there’d be bigger worries on my mind. So why am I sitting here debating on how cold I’d feel if I had to be a girl every day?

I do wear dresses sometimes. In Dar, I always wore a skirt to work – except Fridays – and they always seemed surprised to see me in jeans. I get a lot of compliments when I girly up, but I think it’s more the shock than the reaction. If you see me in jeans 9 times a week, you’d think the dress is a pleasant change, right? It may not necessarily be about the dress. So when I read this post, rummaged in my wardrobe, and tried on my red dress, I didn’t see any transformation – except to realise that if I had to wear that dress outside, I’d have to change the way I walk. I’d also have to get some kind of corset … and lose a lot of weight.  Hmm.

In other news, I’ve just been reminded that school opens this week and I need to stitch name tags. Also …

Amazing Blue October

133 thoughts on “More random rambling

  1. Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice whilst you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a weblog web site? The account aided me a applicable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided vibrant transparent idea

  2. Wow, fantastic blog structure! How lengthy have you been blogging for? you made running a blog look easy. The total look of your site is magnificent, let alone the content!

  3. Good write-up, I¡¦m normal visitor of one¡¦s web site, maintain up the excellent operate, and It’s going to be a regular visitor for a long time.

  4. I was recommended this website by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my trouble. You’re wonderful! Thanks!

  5. Some really good info , Sword lily I detected this. “Anonymity is the truest expression of altruism.” by Eric Gibson.

  6. Thank you for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do some research on this. We got a grab a book from our area library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I’m very glad to see such great information being shared freely out there.

  7. Great website. Plenty of useful information here. I am sending it to some buddies ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your effort!

  8. My spouse and i ended up being really relieved Emmanuel could deal with his investigation using the precious recommendations he discovered from your own web page. It’s not at all simplistic to simply happen to be giving for free facts which often some other people might have been making money from. Therefore we grasp we’ve got the blog owner to thank because of that. Those illustrations you have made, the easy web site navigation, the relationships you assist to engender – it’s mostly fabulous, and it’s facilitating our son in addition to our family believe that the concept is exciting, which is certainly wonderfully fundamental. Many thanks for everything!

  9. Thank you for the sensible critique. Me & my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our local library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I’m very glad to see such fantastic information being shared freely out there.

  10. I am extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a great blog like this one nowadays..

  11. Appreciate you for sharing these types of wonderful threads. In addition, the perfect travel and medical insurance strategy can often relieve those considerations that come with visiting abroad. Some sort of medical emergency can in the near future become very expensive and that’s likely to quickly impose a financial weight on the family’s finances. Setting up in place the best travel insurance deal prior to setting off is definitely worth the time and effort. Thanks a lot

  12. I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this increase.

  13. F*ckin’ tremendous things here. I’m very glad to see your post. Thanks so much and i am looking forward to contact you. Will you please drop me a e-mail?

  14. Wonderful goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely wonderful. I really like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you are saying and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it wise. I can not wait to read much more from you. This is really a terrific website.

  15. Hi there! I’m at work surfing around your blog from my new iphone 3gs! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the superb work!

  16. I think this is among the most important info for me. And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The website style is great, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers

  17. Hi, Neat post. There is a problem with your website in internet explorer, might check this… IE nonetheless is the marketplace leader and a large section of other folks will pass over your excellent writing due to this problem.

  18. Hi there very cool web site!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Amazing .. I’ll bookmark your web site and take the feeds also¡KI am glad to search out so many useful information here within the put up, we want work out extra techniques on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .

  19. You could certainly see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart.

  20. An impressive share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing a bit evaluation on this. And he actually bought me breakfast as a result of I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! However yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love reading extra on this topic. If potential, as you grow to be experience, would you mind updating your weblog with more details? It is highly helpful for me. Massive thumb up for this blog submit!

  21. you are truly a good webmaster. The site loading velocity is amazing. It sort of feels that you’re doing any unique trick. Furthermore, The contents are masterpiece. you have performed a great job on this topic!

  22. Appreciating the hard work you put into your website and in depth information you present. It’s great to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same old rehashed information. Great read! I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

  23. Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; many of us have developed some nice methods and we are looking to trade strategies with others, why not shoot me an e-mail if interested.

  24. Thank you for sharing excellent informations. Your site is so cool. I’m impressed by the details that you have on this blog. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this web page, will come back for more articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found just the info I already searched everywhere and simply couldn’t come across. What an ideal site.

  25. I truly appreciate this post. I have been looking everywhere for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You’ve made my day! Thx again!

  26. Great – I should definitely pronounce, impressed with your site. I had no trouble navigating through all the tabs as well as related information ended up being truly easy to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it at all. Reasonably unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or something, site theme . a tones way for your client to communicate. Nice task..

  27. Great – I should certainly pronounce, impressed with your website. I had no trouble navigating through all tabs as well as related information ended up being truly easy to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it at all. Quite unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or anything, site theme . a tones way for your customer to communicate. Nice task.

  28. Hi! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing a few months of hard work due to no data backup. Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?

  29. F*ckin’ awesome issues here. I’m very satisfied to see your post. Thank you a lot and i’m taking a look forward to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

  30. You actually make it appear so easy along with your presentation but I in finding this topic to be actually something that I feel I might by no means understand. It sort of feels too complicated and extremely huge for me. I’m looking ahead to your next put up, I will try to get the hang of it!

  31. There are some interesting closing dates in this article however I don’t know if I see all of them middle to heart. There’s some validity however I will take hold opinion till I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want extra! Added to FeedBurner as effectively

  32. I am no longer sure the place you are getting your information, however great topic. I must spend some time learning more or figuring out more. Thanks for great info I was looking for this information for my mission.

  33. Thanks for the sensible critique. Me & my neighbor were just preparing to do a little research about this. We got a grab a book from our area library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I am very glad to see such excellent info being shared freely out there.

  34. One more thing. In my opinion that there are quite a few travel insurance sites of respected companies that let you enter your vacation details and get you the prices. You can also purchase your international travel insurance policy online by using your own credit card. Everything you need to do should be to enter the travel details and you can view the plans side-by-side. You only need to find the package that suits your budget and needs and after that use your credit card to buy them. Travel insurance online is a good way to check for a respectable company regarding international travel cover. Thanks for giving your ideas.

  35. you’re really a excellent webmaster. The web site loading velocity is incredible. It seems that you’re doing any unique trick. Furthermore, The contents are masterwork. you have done a great activity in this topic!

  36. Great weblog here! Additionally your site rather a lot up very fast! What host are you the use of? Can I get your affiliate hyperlink in your host? I desire my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

  37. Nice read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing some research on that. And he actually bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! “Do you want my one-word secret of happiness–it’s growth–mental, financial, you name it.” by Harold S. Geneen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.