I don’t have a solid reason for not smoking. It just never sparked my interest, which is a good thing, considering how compulsive it can be. And before today, I had only smoked two cigarettes. The first one was in 2003, in an attempt to impress my boyfriend, the father of my baby. He thought I was too uptight and would benefit from a walk on the wild side. He bought me a vanilla scented cancer stick and watched me while I smoked it. I even managed to avoid the embarrassing tell-tale cough. Unfortunately, rather than be jazzed, he was upset at my proficiency. He didn’t believe it was my first one.
My second cigarette was on a day like today. My mood was crappy, work was stress, and I thought a cigarette would make me feel better. After all, it works for everyone else at the office. I’ve heard tons of stories about the friendliness and camaraderie of smokers. So I didn’t think it would be hard to get someone to bum me one. Surprisingly, everyone I asked said no. See, I’m apparently the office goodie-goodie, and no one wanted to be responsible for bringing me to the dark side. I don’t really get that about smokers. They love their cancer sticks, but don’t want anyone to join them. It’s like telling a girl she’s beautiful, just before you tell her you don’t want her. Sigh. In the end, I bought a Dunhill from the kiosk.
I grabbed a ‘fellow smoker’ and sat with her, attempting (and failing) to blow smoke rings. I didn’t feel any more relaxed, and when I asked why, she smiled and said, “You didn’t inhale.” Then she stubbed hers out and said, “And you’re better off that way.” I love that girl, I really do. Unfortunately, she doesn’t work with me anymore, so when my uncharacteristic craving resurfaced, she wasn’t there to help me out. Also, there’s no kiosk nearby to buy a stick of Dunhill.
I walked into Secret Garden and bought a pack instead. 200 bob that I will never get back. Walking into the restaurant was strange. There were a lot of good-looking waiters, all eager to help but not sure where to start. They gave me dazzling smiles and puzzled stares as I walked past them and right up to the bar, where I proceeded to squint at the packs they had on offer – Marlboro, Embassy Lights, and Dunhill Blue. Everyone at the office uses Embassy, but two of my friends use Dunhill. I asked the price of both, and took my brand new pack to my roof-top haunt.
Sitting in my usual spot, I wondered if I needed pointers. I’d decided to deep-throat today, do the full inhale and swallow. It seemed easy enough, in theory. I puffed in and out twice before I let smoke on the inside. I expected to sputter and cough, but instead I felt a deep icky scratching in my chest. It was like a thousand pinpricks were attacking my lungs, and I could almost see the dark evil smoke billowing around in there. Never mind that cigarette smoke is wispy grey.
My eyes stung with barely shed tears, not from the smoke, but from the darkness in my soul, the darkness that had plagued my day and parted me with 200 bob, in a vain attempt to burn the pain away. And burn it did, filling my insides with a different kind of pain as I ran statistics in my mind. ‘Thousands of non-smokers die every day.” The thought brought on more tears, so thank goodness I’m not wearing any make-up today.
Once the shock of the scratchiness wore off, I noticed that swallowing had one side effect – there was no smoke left to blow out! Breathing in grey wisps and breathing out nothing is decidedly less sexy than the smoke rings in the movies. So I tried out a different technique. I’d breathe in, hold the smoke in my mouth for three seconds, then swallow. As I did, I reflexively breathed out, letting some wisps out of my nostrils while the rest settled into itchy, scratchy, murky, bliss.
My cigarette was half gone by then, and the scratchiness wasn’t nearly as annoying. It felt almost soothing now, like tickling my insides with a bottle-brush. Not that I’ve actually tried it out, but I imagine that’s what it would feel like. I shut my eyes, enjoyed my smoke, and typed out this post in my head where – I admit – it sounded far more poetic. I started to feel relaxed, though I don’t know if it was the nicotine, the sunshine, or the wandering of my mind.
I wondered how many sticks it took to kick off an addiction, and whether my lungs were black. I wondered if my teeth were now as brown as my filtered fingertips. I wondered if anyone would want to kiss me now. Then I wondered why no one had invented a pocket-sized ash-tray. The roof gets pretty filthy, with cigarette butts, scattered cardboard and discarded receipts, but someone cleaned it up a few days ago, and it seemed a shame to muck it up again. So I found a hole in the ‘ground’ for my ashes, and gathered up my stubs inside my fist.
The first stick was gone, and it seemed natural to light up a second. In fact, I wondered if I had time to do the whole pack. I checked my watch. Ten minutes had passed since I started. For some reason, I was reluctant once I lit it. I watched it burn for a full minute before taking a drag. The scratchy sensation was gone, replaced by a sharp, mildly painful, yet intensely pleasant raking in my chest. So as I dragged, I thought about the taste. It was sharp, biting, and surprisingly sexy. I worried about being turned on by the taste of cigarette smoke. Some guys think girls that smoke are sexy, but others think they’re skanky and obscene. Did it make me one of ‘those’ girls, the ones ‘nice guys’ so detest?
#TriggerWarning
Then my mind drifted to a story I once read in a Parents’ Magazine. It said trashy romance novels were doing more harm than good. A lot of them describe rape as something desirable. They talk about gorgeous roguish men taking women as sex slaves, raping them repeatedly as they try to escape. Yet at the end of 300 pages, the victim is alarmingly in love with her captor, as he declares his undying devotion, claiming he was only trying to make her love him. Apparently, a lot of women have rape fantasies and ask their partners to simulate rape. Some go as far as walking in high risk places, or hiring ‘rape crews’ to abduct and torture them. It’s called Designer Kidnapping. Seriously, Google it. It’s officially a thing. ‘Clients’ usually have a ‘safe word’ they can use if things get out of hand, but of course there have been … accidents.
I don’t judge how people use their girly ( and boy-ey) bits, as long as there’s consent on all parts. But I’ve experienced rape. I know what it’s like. And I can only feel sorry for the girls that think it’s cool, because they have no idea what they’re asking for, and there’s a reason why rape is a woman’s greatest fear. Of course, once you become a mother, it’s only your second-greatest fear. *shudder* Either way, the thought haunted me, the thought of gifted, twisted writers showing rape as something sexy. It made me wonder about this post, made me wonder whether one day, some kid would say they picked up their first cigarette after reading 3CB. Sigh.
In stories, the smoker always stubs out their cigarette as a plot point. Me, I smoked both sticks to the stump, watching as the ashes singed the once-gleaming-but-now-dank filter. I curled the second stub into my fist and wondered about lighting a third. My tension was gone, and I took a few deep breaths, letting my eyes slip shut and enjoying the sunshine. My lungs seemed hungry, drawing in the clean unscented air with conviction. The only problem was … it wasn’t unscented. I could still sense the smoke in the air, feel the mist in my nose, taste the tang on my tongue. Strange. I stayed up there maybe half an hour more, just breathing, but still the smoky flavour wouldn’t leave me. I knew I should be replusled, but instead, it felt oddly satiating. The memory of the smoke was tangible, and very, very soothing.
I eventually got up. It was time to go down and rejoin the world. As I tucked my pack and picked up all my garbage, I saw three girls in the corner, They were huddled in a circle, eyes, closed, hands held. I came up for a smoke. They came up to pray. I’m not one of the good girls anymore. As I type, it’s been almost an hour, but I can still feel the taste upon my tongue, and I’m still throwing glances at the pack inside my desk. I wonder if these are the beginnings of addiction.
I wonder if my clothes smell like tobacco, so I check. Not really, my perfume is pretty strong. But my fingers have the scent that seems to seep right through my skin. I wonder if it’ll help me lose weight. Some people say cigarettes, vodka, and bunny-thons work better than any gym, though they do have a bunch of side-effects. Like the ashy burning patches at the ends of my fingers from trying to smoke the thing down to the stub.
I once read an anti-smoking magazine. “Nicotine is the only drug that kills when used properly.” It then went on to describe the benefits of smoking in detail. Which took about two pages. At which point I wondered if the title was sarcastic. Will I smoke again? Maybe. Possibly. Probably. After all, I do have a whole pack in my desk. Last night, a friend offered me a glass of red wine. I smiled and said, ‘I don’t drink.’ He raised an eyebrow but said nothing, because he knows that sometimes, when the mood is right – or maybe when the mood is wrong – I do. Next time, he might offer me a cigarette. I wonder if I’ll smile, lower my head and say, ‘I don’t smoke.’ And I wonder if he’ll smile and nod, or shake his head with sadness as he offers me a light.
♫ Iris ♫ Googoo Dolls ♫
Edit:
Five years later, during a particularly rough week at work, I finally learned to inhale. I had joined the office smokers on the balcony, and while nobody would bum me one, somebody offered to share his. It was an Embassy Light, and I watched him, and mimicking his technique. Lord, the head-rush! I see how people get addicted to these things! I asked if they were laced, and they probably thought it was cute. At least I didn’t cough and sputter.
Of course the rough day turned into a rough week and I ended up working my way through an entire pack. Turns out the head-rush is ephemeral, which is why you keep needing more. After my pack was gone, I didn’t buy another one. It’s not a habit I want to have to kick.
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a regular visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
Hi there. I found your website by way of Google while searching for a related subject, your website came up. It seems to be great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is really annoying. A good blog with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I found your blog by the use of Google at the same time as searching for a similar topic, your web site came up. It looks great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
As a Newbie, I am constantly browsing online for articles that can benefit me. Thank you
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossips and internet and this is really annoying. A good website with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for keeping this website, I will be visiting it. Do you do newsletters? Can not find it.
I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to create my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. kudos
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good blog with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hello, i think that i saw you visited my blog so i came to “return the favor”.I’m trying to find things to enhance my website!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!
Hello there. I found your site by means of Google while looking for a similar subject, your website came up. It appears good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Heya just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different browsers and both show the same results.
Hello there. I discovered your website by way of Google whilst searching for a comparable matter, your web site came up. It looks great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hello there. I found your site by the use of Google whilst looking for a related topic, your web site got here up. It looks great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
In these days of austerity along with relative stress about taking on debt, lots of people balk up against the idea of having a credit card in order to make purchase of merchandise or perhaps pay for a holiday, preferring, instead to rely on a tried plus trusted method of making settlement – raw cash. However, in case you have the cash on hand to make the purchase 100 , then, paradoxically, that is the best time for you to use the credit card for several reasons.
Hi there. I found your site by means of Google whilst looking for a comparable matter, your web site came up. It looks great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Awesome post. I am a regular visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a normal visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a regular visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good blog with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web-site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I found your website by means of Google at the same time as looking for a related subject, your website got here up. It appears great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good website with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Hey there. I discovered your site by the use of Google at the same time as searching for a similar matter, your website came up. It seems to be great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually irritating. A good site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Spot on with this write-up, I truly suppose this web site wants far more consideration. I’ll in all probability be once more to learn far more, thanks for that info.
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
Hey there. I discovered your web site by means of Google even as looking for a related subject, your web site got here up. It seems great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good blog with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hi there. I found your blog by means of Google at the same time as looking for a comparable matter, your web site came up. It looks great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
I’ve learn a few good stuff here. Certainly value bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how so much attempt you place to create such a magnificent informative website.
Awesome write-up. I am a regular visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Hi there. I discovered your site by the use of Google even as searching for a comparable matter, your website came up. It looks good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually irritating. A good site with interesting content, that is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hi there. I found your site via Google while looking for a related subject, your site got here up. It appears good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good blog with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I discovered your blog via Google while looking for a related topic, your web site came up. It looks good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
http://www.olsenlawapc.com/mobile-gateway?u=http://bestpornsites.guide
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
Usually I do not learn article on blogs, but I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to try and do so! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thanks, quite great post.
Utterly composed written content, thank you for selective information. “He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak.” by Michel de Montaigne.
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
obviously like your web-site but you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth nevertheless I’ll surely come back again.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually annoying. A good web site with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for making this website, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?