The ex and things like that

This week has been insane. It’s the third week of the year, and it feels like it’s gone on forever. I bumped into an Ex in town and ignored him – completely. I’d like to poof him off the face of the earth, but he did do one thing for me – he fathered my baby girl. For that, I am grateful. Beyond that, riswa!

Via cosmofan1.deviantart.com

A lot of emotions are prompted when I see or mention him. Usually, it’s murderous rage, and I felt that for some nanoseconds. But then I just walked past and went on with my day. It’s sad that people who made a baby can be like that, but ish happens, and I’m cool with it. Dirty water and bridges and *insert-appropriate-cliché*

I admit that I’m the *child* who doesn’t speak to her exes. Grown women have more sensible reactions, like torching their cars or pretending to be friendly.

*Real* women actually are friendly. In that sense, I’m only half real. I can have conversations with my other exes; conversations that involve genuine smiles and nutcrackers. To my other exes, I can actually be nice, though I do forget their birthdays. Mostly on purpose. But not this one. I’m not that grown up yet. I still want to hurt him and make him not exist. I still want him to just go away, poof, vamoose son of a…

When I got home, I thought about my latest ex, the one I’m not yet over. I wondered … if I saw him on the street, would I say hi? Would I pretend I hadn’t seen him? We haven’t talked in weeks, so I’m not sure what I’d do.

I don’t want to pretend. I like too much for that. So I did a stupid thing. I called him. I wanted him to come over. I thought we could just talk and clear things up. The trouble with this boy is he’s too easy to talk to. I end up telling him stuff I shouldn’t. Like how I almost called last night, but decided against the booty call. Instead, we talked on gmail.

Via photography-match.com

[Yay for not calling, boo for the confession!]

So anyway, I talked, he listened, I ranted and threw tantrums, he stayed calm and gave advice. My eyes were red, my hanky was soaked, and I was glad he couldn’t see me. I wondered if he knew that I was crying. It was a pretty rough time for me, and I logged off mid-sentence. I just couldn’t take anymore.

I told him I wanted to lock my heart away and become an ice queen who doesn’t feel anything. I want a mask, so no one can see the real me. I want to smile with the world and learn surface talk  so no one knows my heart. If they can’t see it, they can’t hurt it.

I pride myself in being real and genuine, but now, I want to play games like everyone else. I want to show them what I want them to see … instead of what I am. I want to keep them away completely. I went to bed deciding I had killed my feelings – for everyone – but I was glad we’d talked, because now, at least I can say hi on the street.

Today … and part of yesterday, I listened to Mike Dooley and laughed, because I’m full of crap. The audio gave me an exercise. It said to write three things I love about life, three things I love about myself, and three lessons I want to learn in life. Guess what was high on the list…

Stop being jealous and insecure.

If that doesn’t scream relationship, I don’t know what does. A heart like mine can’t be switched off. There’s way too much love in it. I can’t just chill the vibe. Besides, my blogging is based on TMI. Going ice queen would totally kill that. Crud.

I’m clearly still searching for my soulmate, even if I don’t believe it anymore, and as soon as I’m ready, I’ll find the one who makes my heart sing. Again. Until then, I’m a married lesbian. Period.

♫ Get out alive ♫ Three days grace ♫

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4 Responses. Yay! I like it when you talk back ... to “The ex and things like that”

  1. QQ says:

    why DID you break up with exMr3cb? He sounds 2good 2be true (‘I talked, he listened, I ranted and threw tantrums, he stayed calm and gave advice’) sigh. When I was mourning post-breakup, writing on my blog was cathartic. Hope the ranting helps… 🙂

  2. crystal says:

    Wasn’t my idea to break up. You can’t force someone to be with you when they don’t want to be. *shrug* I’m just glad he still lets me talk to him.

  3. nyambura says:

    hmmm…i’m thinking you’re pretty ballsy, talking about it…i simply try to coax my mind into blocking out the memories, good or bad…you know, striving for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind 😉

  4. crystal says:

    @Nyambura Thanks. I don’t think it’s ballsy, I just have a big mouth and I don’t always know when I should shut it *cheeky grin* That works against me sometimes, but it’s the way I am, and I’m okay with that – mostly 😀

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