I was having a random chat with my cousin the other day. She just found out her husband is cheating, and she’s pretty furious. I always thought the guy was [more than] a bit of an asshole, but she loves him. She goes for the arrogant type, and they tend to be … well … you know … assholes. I – on the other hand – prefer nice guys, or as my cousin put it, girls with ***.

See, she likes a man who is proud to be a man. In her words, what would she be doing with a guy who wants to sit down and talk about emotions? I smiled, because that’s exactly what I want – a guy who will tell me how he feels. In words.

I’m not talking about I love you or I’d die without you. Anyone can say the first three magic words, and I find it’s easier for guys to say them when they don’t mean it. The latter phrase would just make me laugh – unless it was backed with instrumentals and the fat braided guy in PM Dawn.

 

What I mean is I want a man who trusts me enough to tell me when he’s scared. As my cousin rolled her eyes, I explained that the reason I like my men ‘girly’ is because … well … I am a guy. I may have D cups, a baby, and occasional menstruation, but I suspect I have a touch more testosterone than the average female.

I told a former Mr 3CB that I have mothering insecurities. My deepest fear is that I suck at being my baby’s mother. I have certain ideas about what a mother should be, and well, I’m not like that. He smiled and said, ‘Well, that’s because you’re not a mum. You’re a dad.’

I laughed, but a few minutes earlier, I’d been praising some woman’s curves and he turned his head a bit to the side and asked, ‘How can you talk like that and not suspect you might be gay?’ Again, I laughed. I’m not bicurious, but I’m not blind either. I know a thing of beauty when I see one.

On a slightly related note, I read on MSN that most women – straight or otherwise – find the female body a bigger turn on than the male body. I’m going to go with a *no comment* here … except to admit that seeing a hot woman does make me want to have sex. Just not with her. So, guys, you know that argument about having a wet dream or being turned on by a stripper and then consummating the stick with your girl instead? Well, next time your girl gets all frisky, her mood just might have been prompted by Janet.

Sad as it is, this statement probably made more guys excited than offended. Tsk tsk.

But I digress. This is supposed to be about women in general, and specifically, two women that I admire. This one and this one. There’s a third girl, but apparently, she deleted her blog. Interesting.

In the female world, there’s a thin line between admiration and jealousy. I suppose that’s why we give each other the evil eye. Two random women see each other on the street and shoot looks intent on murder. Usually it’s that the girl is well dressed or has a hot boy on her arm. It could be that she is taller, shorter, thinner, fatter … or maybe it’s just because she isn’t a boy.

While I try not to give anyone the evil eye, I do have sessions of admiration-slash-jealousy. Usually it’s because the girl has something that I don’t have, something I want, something that I badly wish I had. That thing is confidence.

I suppose that’s a weird thing to say, seeing as my hair is purple and my blogger name is Crystal Balls. But as I explained to my friend yesterday, I’m not confident. I’m just proud and stubborn. Also, I like to shock people. It’s a trait that is easily interpreted as *I-don’t-give-a-f*ck-what-people-think* I do and say some crazy ish, and I’m always pretty happy about it. But I often subtly apologize for my guts, because while I’m immensely proud of them, I know how easily they offend. Truly confident women don’t do that. And yes, she’s wearing a weave.

A while back, I did the 25 things meme on Facebook, though I suspect I deleted it shortly after. I wrote that I don’t like people, I prefer my own company, and I sometimes [many times] lock the door, draw the curtains, and pretend not to be home. I do it to keep away unannounced visitors. My list of 25 things sounded a lot like this post here.

A former classmate read the list and was surprised. She says I’m actually very popular and have lots of friends, so she’s shocked that I describe myself as a hermit. Bubbly says the same thing. Many people count her as a best friend, but she alone knows that she lets nobody in.

Then there’s the issue of marriage. I don’t believe in nuptials, but that’s only because I know I suck at it, and not even the bits of it that a husband wants sucked. I can give antimarriage arguments as well as anyone, but I don’t really believe them. I am this strange amphibian thing that can survive on both sides of the fence, but is not really at home on either one. So I envy women like Bubbly and Nittzsah who are clear in their beliefs.

I find it interesting that my 25 things post, as well as Bubbly’s friends post depicted us as people who don’t want friends. We prefer to go it alone and keep the whole world out. Yet we both have all these pals who think we’re bosom buddies. Bubbly is clearly cool with that. She’s okay with her walls and her aloofness.

Me, I’m not so sure. I’m comfortable enough with myself that I don’t seek new friends, and I stopped meeting bloggers and Tweeters. I’m quite content to keep it on the web. But I do feel sorry for the people who think they’re close to me, the ones who think I’d catch grenades for them. Sometimes, I feel so sorry for them that I call when I don’t want to, and fulfill my social obligations. I do it because they often do the same for me – mostly when I don’t want them to. The least I can do is convincingly reciprocate, and that makes me sad.

Of course, being the paranoid girl that I am, I’m now looking at my friends with fishy eyes. I’m wondering how many could be Bubblies in disguise. At the other extreme, there are people in my life whom I adore and I wish they’d like me enough to let me in. I guess that’s Kharma’s way of paying me back.

I wish I was one way or the other. I wish I could either sincerely immerse myself into ‘society’ or wear my ‘back off’ banner with pride. This lukewarm space I inhabit is a terribly uncomfortable in-between.

In Harry Potter, Harry is often thought to be just like Voldemort. He speaks Parseltongue, he’s capable of magic way beyond his age, and even the Sorting Hat thought he was a Slytherin. Dumbledore says Harry is every bit as great as Voldemort, and that he even has bits of Voldemort in him, since he’s essentially a living Horcrux. The difference between Harry and Tom Marvolo Riddle is that Harry is capable of love. Harry and Voldemort consider this a weakness, but Dumbledore says it’s his greatest strength.

I don’t know if my tendency to be ashamed of my vice is a good thing or bad one, but I wish I didn’t care so much what other people think or feel. Given my against-the-grain beliefs, not caring would make life so much easier.

19 thoughts on “Women … !

  1. Thanks for the mention! 🙂 Truth be told, there are more ‘Bubblies’ out there. It’s just that they are not as candid and open as I am to say it as it is. I know that for a fact, and from past experiences I’ve learnt that nothing and no one is as it seems to be or they seem to be. That’s just the truth. People are pretenders. And that is the time I don’t have.

    I’m reposting this post to my blog. I hope you don’t mind. 🙂

  2. Hmm … Isn’t it possible to be both, but with a preference to one? To be the extrovert who occasionaly enjoys their own copmany, or the introvert who occasionaly enjoys being in the outside world? Just a thought. Thanks for the reminder of PM Dawn .. I love that song!

  3. @Spinster That would be the ideal, and it’s a happy balance. I think most people have achieved that, and it helps them function effectively in life.

  4. hmmm…here’s why i hesitate to knock on friendships/connecting with people…I’m a pretty private person too; with lots of acquaintances & very few friends… and i love indulging in solitude lots…but here’s the thing 3CB, I’ve been down some pretty bad black holes…places you can’t get out of even if you had all the money & power in the world…and a couple of guys came through for me in a big way when i had not even asked for their help…when i had not even been that great a pal to begin with and that was pretty humbling for me & yes, it made me take my friendships seriously, approach them with the same tenderness & love I’d give a life partner or family…and yes, sometimes we’ll drive each other up the wall..

    In the book ‘Saving Francesca’ by Melina Marchetta, Francesca is asked angrily “…for someone who gives sooo little, what makes you think you deserve soo much,” i think that’s how it went…humanity has it’s ugly side & beautiful side i guess…

  5. loneliness is something that we learn to live with, not because we do not have friends or loved ones, but because our world is shut to those on the outside, and though they enter the gates, the keys to the inner doors are forever lost…and so loneliness becomes the light to which our creativity is anchored.

  6. @pitz It’s possible to be alone without being lonely. I enjoy my own company, so I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy. I just wish I was more confident about being in my own skin. I feel that I constantly defend my choices, and I’d like to have the confidence to not have to do that.

  7. To all of the above commentors. Blogs may be significantly better to examine when you can maintain Your comments uncomplicated and to the stage. No-one likes to study large comments once the idea could be conveyed making use of a not as lengthy remark

  8. …sometimes i feel so sorry for them that i call… so im not the only one who does this????

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