Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

There’s a man in my life who moves me like no other. He’s tall and dark with a quick mind and a beautiful body. He’s broody and intense in a way that is unsettling. He can move me with his eyes, his words, and his soul. He has a hold on me I can’t explain or understand. I’ve been in love with him as long as I’ve known him, and at certain times, I was convinced he loved me too. But we never really got together. Something was always in the way. When I was single, he wasn’t, and vice versa. When we were both available, we weren’t talking. When we were talking, we weren’t available. He told me that he knew I didn’t love myself, but that he loved me anyway. And of course, I didn’t believe him.

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m 13 again am I 13 for good?

For years, I told myself a man like him could never want a girl like me. And when I said it loud enough, I’d turn around and leave. I walked away lots of times, my heart broken from wanting someone I could never have. But somehow, I’d always come back to him. My darkest fear was that one day I’d leave and he wouldn’t be there to take me back. And I made a chilling discovery today. All this time, he hasn’t been rejecting me. I’ve been rejecting myself, projecting my views of myself onto him, assuming that’s how he saw me, and running away.

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Each time I walked away from him, it was because I’d had enough. His little rejections and moments of silence convinced me that he just didn’t care. He didn’t answer phone calls, wouldn’t respond to emails, and sometimes went AWOL for months at a time. I’d reach a point I just couldn’t take it, so I’d throw a massive tantrum and leave. Not that it mattered, because I knew I’d always come back. He was my refuge, my comfort, my home. The one place where I could let my hair down, be completely me, and know that he loved every tiny, moody, frustrating bit.

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated

Something happened to him while I wasn’t looking. He grew up. He changed. He stopped loving all the things that make me me. He wanted something else – someone else. And for all I know, he might have found her. That’s when he told me that he’d loved me all along, and that it crushed him each time I didn’t believe him. But now that I had finally accepted his unshake-able love for me, he wasn’t sure he wanted me anymore. I’d walked away one time too many, and he wasn’t sure he could face that pain again.

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

I realized that to be with him, I’d have to change, to become a beta version of myself, pun intended. To earn back his love, I’d have to shed the scared little girl inside and be the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know if I have the strength to do that, but I know I’m willing to try, even if he’s not there at the end of my journey. I owe it to myself. And after all the hell I’ve put him through, I know I owe it to him.

♫ So unsexy Alanis Morissette

15 thoughts on “Winning back a heart

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