Kularing the ngingi

It’s been that kind of a weekend. Deep thoughts, deeper insights, and a long-overdue post on gymnastics. Now, a lot of guys complain that their women are on a ngingi diet. But I know more than a few girls who are quite big fans of gymnastics. I think it’s all the somersaulting and spinning and twirling.

Oprah and her pals say gymnastics is a big issue in tennis. One partner always wants more (or less?) It’s generally assumed that the hassled partner is the girl. But here’s a thought for you, straight out of Genesis … I’m trying to remember the exact words. Well, the message is that “the woman shall be subject to her husband, but her desire shall be for him.”

Translation, the guy will call the shots, and the girl won’t like it. He picks the restaurant, holds the menu, selects the dish …[and pays the bill?] The girl is there as a spectator, who will enjoy the meal if she gets lucky, or if the guy knows her well enough and cares to order what she likes. BUT, she will still get hungry, and want the whole deal. Here’s the question, if she doesn’t enjoy eating out, then why would this be a punishment?

These words were part of Eve’s punishment for feeding Adam the rotten apple. They come with ‘more pain at childbirth’, which suggests a bedroom lean. Now, roll with me for a bit here. The punishment was bedroom-based. It translates to guys calling the horizontal shots. So then, why do you suppose it’s guys, the ones in charge, that complain?

We assume [gentle]men have bigger appetites. I suggest that they don’t. I suggest that ladies enjoy sugar as much as – if not more than – the guys. They just give in to the craving less often. Why? Because they have to. It’s their only weapon. Biologically, chemically, biblically the girl is the underling. So she wields her ‘weapon’ by rationing.

Mothers, aunts and even uncles teach them to do it. A good girl is never ‘hungry’, and from kindergarten they’re told to ’sit properly’ to avoid making men hungry. They’re taught to play hard to get, and even when they get married and have carte blanche as far as frequency is concerned, they are 1. too used to rationing and 2. have realised how useful rationing can be.

The reason men are on diets is not because women eat less, it’s because women limit their intake for power. Plain and simple.

Of course there are a few of us who like good things in plenty. But we end up with a problem too. The guys are pre-programmed to call the shots. It’s genetic. Adam was given the keys to Eve’s timetable, and all his progeny got the biological and psychological drive to use those keys.

So if us daughters of Eve try to siphon extra fuel, the drivers get uncomfortable and get out of the car. ’Shut up and drive’ is not a phrase many men like to hear, not even from Rheanna. They think about it, they long for it, they whine about it, they even pray for it, but when they get it, nine chances out of ten they’ll take off screaming.

And they certainly won’t marry ‘it’. Date it for a while, sure, boast to the boys at the local, def. Call it on Menatalacrobatic’s Booty Call Tariff, absolutely. But marry? They’ll find a nice quiet Eve who plays by the rules for that.

What’s my point? Clearing up some fallacies. One, women like gymnastics more than men. That’s why we were put ‘under’ the men as a punishment. Unfortunately for guys, we learnt to turn the punishment on our jailers. And unfortunately for 21st century girls, that weapon turned around and bit us where it hurts most. Chips beba doesn’t satisfy nice girls.

Two, if you go against biblical nature and ignore your punishment, your teammate will not be happy. For one thing, they like to lead. And for another, they like to have a full tank when they hold the keys. So if you try to jumpstart the vehicle, you’ll have to push it all the way to Shell BP, and that’s no fun for either of you.

Number 3. As I keep saying, chilling, has its place. It tames the Eve-ning appetite and gives Adam a chance to fill up his fuel tanks.

And four, if your name is Eve, stick to PCs. It’s best for everyone.

Serial monogamy

We all want to get into shape, to have that perfect body, to look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie [though I still prefer Jeniffer Aniston…!] There’s lots of ways to do that – the scalpel, [avoiding] the kitchen, or the good old fashioned gym.

Getting motivated to gym isn’t very easy. Most people gather psyche, hit the gym once for a three hour session, then give up, until somebody offers them a free gym session or test trial – marketting gimic. Then they do another three hour run and give up.

But once you realise the need for gym, you still have to find the right one for your schedule, location…and pocket. You could be recommended by a friend, but most people just try out different gyms until they find the right one.

This means you spend a day at one gym, a week at another, a month at a third…until you get the perfect fit.

But nobody ever switches gyms in mid-workout. You don’t hit a treadmill for ten minutes, then run next door for the exercise bike, then drive across town to do weights. It’s one gym per session. If you don’t like it, you move on.

But how many gyms are you willing to test out before you settle on one? Most quality gyms demand at least a month’s payment in advance. A few will charge per session, but not many. Every good gym instructor knows that one exercise session – however gruelling – does not get a client into shape, so a good gym will not encourage quickies. Which means you could lose a lot of time and money on gym subscriptions before you find one you like.

Logically, it’s wiser to look before you leap onto the treadmill. Walk around, ask questions, look at the equipment before you actually mount it. Do a test-run before you commit yourself. But then again, most good gyms – most worthwhile gyms – will not let you use their machines before you pay, not even just for a test run. After all, gymming is a business.

We all want to try things out, to gain experience, to test the waters before we swim. And sometimes you have to get into the water to feel the temperature. But keep in mind, temperature can be dangerous. You can put a finger or toe into the water to test it. But that finger or toe can still burn if the water is too hot, or freeze of the water is too cold. And we all know the tiny things hurt the most. Try getting a paper cut!

So don’t lose a finger or toe unnecessarily. Use visual cues. Hot water produces steam. Cold water, well, use a thermometer. Look into the water, make sure there are no sharks in it. Some dangers can be invisible, like jellyfish, but better to stay out of that than jump in and get stung.

And if you choose to jump in after a thorough survey, be safe, be faithful, be careful…and keep it tennis.

One of the most important and frightening things a human being can do is to raise a child. In indigenous cultures, the pressure of child rearing was less. Children were reared by the community, and belonged to the community. There was a set establishment of rules, customs, taboos and systems to rely on. Some of these rules were pointless, like preventing children form eating eggs, or certain foods, Some were downright dangerous, like killing twins, albinos, or deformed children.

Today, parents are pretty much left to their own devices. In a lot of ways, that’s a good thing. It gives us the freedom to ignore the ‘wisdom of ages’ that was not always very wise. But it also leaves in a tricky place, wondering what to do and what not to do, what is right, and what is not.

Having a child when you are young is a blessing. You are able to grow with your child, and the generation gap is cut down to a generation loophole. It’s also less embarrassing for these 21^st century babies when their parents fashion sense is tolerable.

But having your child under thirty means you are still growing yourself, grappling with your own life choices, battling with quarter-life-crisis, working out love and relationships and identity, and trying to fit your child into this mess without doing any permanent brain damage.

I have always wished that my child came with a manual. But as I watch her day by day, I realise that she does come with a manual – her heart. All I have to do is learn how to read it, coz it’s written in Greek.

My princess teaches me lessons every day. Some lessons I grasp immediately, and they stay with me. Some I learn and forget after five seconds, just like she does. Some she has to drum into my mind over and over and over again. In a lot of ways, I’m a baby, just like her.

But there are some special lessons that she has taught me. I don’t always abide them, I don’t always remember them, but she has taught them, and if I can live by them, we will both grow into cosy, happy, well adjusted adults.

The most important lesson she has taught me is to love her. And to show it. Do what comes naturally. If I want to hug her, I do. If I want to kiss her head, I do. If I want to watch her, I do – until she says “Mummy, why are you looking at me like that? You think I am a TV?” Then I can tell her I’m watching her because she is beautiful and adorable and I love her, and she can gag and laugh and say “Mummy, you’re crazy.”

When I want to buy her something, or pick her up, I do, and I don’t worry about spoiling her. Spoiling is giving her anything she wants anytime she wants it. But treating is good, and she enjoys it.

She has taught me to let her choose her presents, and her wardrobe, and her food. Because when I insist on buying her fruits for her health, she would rather have alpella, and she will be angry. And when I feel inspired to buy her a packet of bubblish, she will say thank you, then send me back to the shop for some milk and an orange, which is what she really wants at that moment.

When I see a pretty dress and buy it for her, she will hate it, becaue she wanted jeans and a top like mine. But when I take her with me and let her pick what she wants, she will be happy for days and days, and the next time I shop I can pick a gift she actually likes! Even if it’s a pretty red dress.

If she wants to wear the same dress everyday for a week, I let her. It makes her happy, and it really doesn’t matter that the neighbours think she only has one dress. If I let her choose small things like that, she learns that I respect her decisions, and she will let me have my way on some other issues. After all, she learns more from watching me than she does from my lectures.

I have learnt that I can’t always have my way. Because she has her own mind and her own ideas. If I impose my will on her, she will only resent me and rebel. She is not me. She is a lot like me, but she is not me. I have learnt that I need to watch her, find out who she is. I should watch her now, when she is totally herself, before the world teaches her how she is supposed to react, how she is supposed to respond.

I should give her space, and she will learn to give me space. We are still working on that one. Because I do have moments when I need me-time and she wants us-time. I learnt yesterday that sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. Sometimes. Because if I can’t take time out for me, I will never be 100% for her, and will resent her for her demands on me.

There is one lesson we are still learning together. Just because your child rebels doesn’t mean they don’t love you. She is trying to find her way in life, and that brings her in constant clash against my way. The best I can do for her is love her, and listen to her, and let her be. She’s as confused as I am, and as upset as I am. She needs her space, and I need my space. She needs to find her place just as I need to find mine. But as her mum, I should not force her into line. I should only stand with her, even apart, and let us work this out together.

And keep in mind the quote : “Do not worry that your child never listens to you, worry that your child is always watching you.”