Lost in Dar

LORD I am sleepy!!

My friend ML was in town for the weekend for some much needed R & R. I’ve just put her on the bus back home, and I miss her already!

I do need sleep, desperately, but I have to be at work in an hour…

Thursday afternoon was mostly spent catching up, coz I had taken the afternoon off to get her from the station. And then on Friday morning she was home alone while we went to work and school and stuff. I thought she’d stay home to rest, but she decided to go for a walk instead.

At 12 I get a text saying she’s lost and can’t remember the street name! I called her back immediately, but it turns out she had sent the text half an hour ago and was fine now. Apparently when the text took too long to cross the 500 metres between us, she got bright and asked some random people if they knew us, and was pointed straight to our gate. We are more recognized than I realised. They described us as the tall black dreadlocked girl who has a white dreadlocked baby. Tall? White? **grin** At least they got the hair right, but I think my neighbours may need to re-learn their adjectives…

So yesterday, ML and I went running errands. My niece was graduating Sixth Form, so I asked for the day off to attend. It was kind of an interesting ceremony. There was this Form 6 boy in the front row in a black suit and a yellow tie who gave a whole new definition to the term ‘Open wide’.

And there were lots of pretty girls in pretty dresses and pretty heels. There was this one pair, six inches high, open-toed and burgundy. Lord! I could have married those shoes right there!! Too bad I can’t actually walk in them, but I could drool. Drooooool!

There were these two kids who did a rendition of Jordan Sparks ‘One step at a time’, complete with the blocks strutting across the stage. Iiiinteresting. Then there was a troupe of kids who did a ngoma dance, there were about 10 of them, the lead drummer being a girl – all the rest were boys. They did this coordinated drum routine with some other kids dancing tradi in khangas with fake jembes. It was just beautiful. I like drums.

Then there was the dance.

Then there was the dance.

No, I didn’t repeat it by accident.

These four kids did a routine to ‘How low can you go.’ OK!!

First of all, these children were … well … let’s just say if I had a man, I wouldn’t let him near them. And even now that I don’t have a man, I still won’t let him near them. Wah!! They are – maybe 12 – 14 years old, but they completely redefine the word sizzle. They put the V in voluptuous. I’m talking African beauty. One particular girl, first, she was pretty, then she had hair. Alafu she was a D cup at least. With a teeny weeny waist and a good rear. Plus child-bearing hips. This one even puts a coke bottle to shame. I was drooling, and I’m straight!! Like Shinsky says, these days it is way too easy to turn paedophile.

And MAN can that kid dance!! She was doing all these rolls and twists and shakes and I was like daaay-yum!! The best part is that when she danced, it wasn’t indecent or even offensive. Parents were watching and they weren’t bugged or anything, and she was just in kawa pants and a t-shirt with a little cleavage showing, so she wasn’t ati provooocative, but she looked good.

I had a feeling she was toning down her moves to suit the audienace, and I’m pretty sure when she shakes it on an actual dancefloor, guys melt and girls claw. I need to take me some dance lessons. But mazee, that child! African queen mwenyewe. If she has a brain and a nice heart to go with all THAT, there really is no justice in the world.

Then we had cake and samosa and some deeeelicious mini pizzas. I get hungry on the memory alone. Sigh. We mingled kidogo, took the perfunctory pictures, listened to some teacher-bashing-parent speeches … we had an ocean view, so my eyes wandered a lot … and then we left. My nieces wanted to go watch a movie, so we dispatched the babies – Princess and another toddler – with my aunt, and agreed to meet up later.

ML and I headed into town, where she was pretty much the star of the dala-dala. We looked pretty stereotypical – the dreadlocked tour guide and the i-love-everything-about-dar tourist. But it was so fun each time some yokum made an idiotic ‘mzungu’ comment only for her to reply in impeccable Swa. How I love this girl. The jaw-drop moments were to die for!!

We did the bank, hair, had some sandwiches at Hadees then headed to Ubungo to buy a ticket. Of course we met the usual hawks swarming around and trying to confuse us by talking fast. Let me explain something. Ubungo is like Machakos bus station, so when you get in, people crowd you trying to sell you tickets to anywhere from China to Angola while their hands stray onto random body parts and items of luggage.

Now the best way to deal with people like that is to walk straight on and pretend not to understand. Trouble with me is I’m easily provoked. So I will speak to them, politely, say I have my ticket, and inevitably I will hear ‘Mkenya wewe.’

But today I had an extra attraction, ML. After the usual swarms, we found the office – ML found the office actually, I was too busy shooing off a certain pesky dude. Then of course the boy, thinking she doesn’t know Swa, starts speculating on her nationality, decides that she looks like a lot of fun, and suggests I ask her to have his babies. Uh-huh. I had a few choice words for the boy, and they all started with mchumba. I’d rather not say what they ended with. And he was looking at her funny.

ML has a wider sense of humour than mine, she found the six marriage proposals she got yesterday hilarious. Me, I was wishing I had my blunt rusty slasher with me.

Next we wanted to go to Mwenge to buy some gifts for her pals back home. We went to Ubungo bus station and boarded a Mwenge-Ubungo dala-dala. What I didn’t know is that at that time of day, dala-dalas divert. We ended up in some strange corner of UDSM next to Mama Ntilie – which is what we call those roadside tea-kiosks.

I asked the deeree for help, but he was like ‘wha’ever, chill we finish eating.’ I noted that while TZians are on the surface more polite than kenyans, a Kenyan matatu would never be so callous to lost foreigners. So many times I’ve seen an otherwise rowdy makanga stop the mat and put a lost person onto the correct mat, with careful instructions to drop at the right place. They even take you on a round trip, no extra charge and leave you at the right stage. I miss home

Anyway, ML has a far more adventurous spirit than me. So when the deeree suggested we walk if we didn’t want to wait, she was like fine. Never mind that we had no idea where we were or where we were going. ML was like, well, it’s still daytime, we know the language, let’s just walk in a straight line and see what happens. Heehee!

The only thing I could remember was a dirt road, so each time we reached one, I was like let’s turn here and she was like nope. Three dirt roads down we finally turned, and then we were in some trees and ML was like let’s pass here. It was a shortcut through some greenery, and her only reason for using it was that “the people walking there look happy. See, they’re smling”.

Plus she figured if worst came to worst, we could sleep in the campus dorms or catch a ride – it’s been done it before, she says. This chick is like superwoman at barely 5 foot 4. She’s one of the toughest girls I know, yet she has this innocence that is disarming. Very sanguine that one. So I was like okay, I’ll bite.

A few pretty boys and some interesting backpack tales later [ML is like the guru of intercontinental hitchhiking], we were back on the main road. Yay! Smart luck. Good too, coz I’d told her if it came to showing thumbs and getting into some random stranger’s car, she was on her own.

Ehe. Back on the main road and maybe an hour later we were finally at destination Mwenge. Now, to decide what gifts to buy for four boys! Wah! Stress! After walking in circles, we got some frilly headkerchiefs, a couple of bandanas, and some stuff in faux leather. Good. Last item on the agenda was a pair of sunglasses for the top boy.

It was dark now, and we wanted to get home before Princess was dropped off. Plus there was some guy hovering around trying to sell us back our virginity. Yes, that’s exactly what he said. He was standing next to one of those ‘Daktari Sumbawanga’ signs that claim to fix everything from money problems to size.

We were rather frazzled and rushed, so after we selected the glasses, decided the boy would like them, bargained, figured he was worth the expense and found out that the nearby bajajis were safe to rush home in, we left. We’d been driven maybe 200 metres when ML realised that she didn’t remember taking the shades. We had them, then the guy took them to pack them in a case, then he gave us the change, then we rushed across the road to the bajaji, but we couldn’t remember actually receiving the glasses. Crap!!

Anyway, we got home, discovered we’d bought air glasses for two hundred ksh [pretty expensive for a pair that didn’t exist!!], wondered why the guy hadn’t called us back. I mean surely he must have realised he was holding the things in his hand, yeah?! It was too late to go back, so we settled for perfume instead.

Now, buying perfume with someone who’s French is like shopping for guns with a cowboy. And the shopkeeper saw mzungu so all the stuff he was quoting was pricey. He’s new. The older shopkeeper usually lets me smell all the stuff before I buy it. But all we could do with this guy was look at unsealed bottles, none of which looked promising. Some I rejecetd on account of dumb names, dumb scents or dumb packets. In the end we just bought my scent. It’s a guy smell, it’s got a pretty bottle, and it looks more expensive than it is.

On the way out, I saw a pretty pink bottle. I like pretty bottles, so I forgave the colour. I asked what it was called, and the shopkeeper said ‘puuusiii’. Heheheh. There’s no way it was actually called that, so I asked for the bottle to see. ML read the name and burst out laughing. Pucelle.

And the writing was in Arabic.

I tried to smell the thing, but it was sealed, so I just bought it. Of course we tried to bargain the price. Of perfume. In a shop. Tsk tsk.

It actually ended up smelling quite nice, it’s a powdery-pink little-girl scent … I can’t think how else to describe it 🙂 And by the by, what do you call perfume for boys? Cologne?

Now the shopkeeper knows some English, but he couldn’t really follow our conversation. Lakini when he saw ML laugh, and saw my reaction to the translation of ‘puusiii’, he asked me what it meant. I told him. He got such a strange expression on his face that ML asked me to retranslate to her what I had just translated to him.

Pucelle is French for virgin. 🙂

I need to run to work now. Here’s a toast to a perfect day. The only thing that would’ve made it better is if Mo had been with us. Next time we’ll kidnap you hun, and be sure to bring the cheesecake, ML has convinced me that it’s worth a taste. So you will join our next adventure and bring gateau du fromage, non?

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Finding Crystal

“Somebody help me through this nightmare. I can’t control myself!”

A line from a song by Three Days Grace, my new favourite band. They totally rock. Their videos are kinda weird though. I’ve got them playing in my headphones, so their lyrics are likely to punctuate my muttering. I nicked this style off here, no props for originality 🙂

This is bound to be my longest post yet. It’s also likely to offend a lot of people, so you might want to skip this one.

“I feel so much better now that you’re gone forever. I tell myself that I don’t miss you at all.”

My friend W gave me some advice. He said I shouldn’t hide from my pain. I should feel it then heal. I’m surprised, no, amused, at how good I’ve become at hiding from my pain.

One place I hide a lot is on twitter. Coz in there I’m popular. I’ve never been popular before, and I’m rather enjoying the feeling. But truth is, that isn’t really me. The giggles and bubbles only last as long as it takes me to tweet them. Granted I can be like that with specific people in my life. There are people with whom I’m a motor-mouth, there’s no shutting me up. With them I giggle and play and laugh out loud. And my high school diary reads like a hard copy twitter transcript. But for the most part, I’m just not outgoing.

“Over and over, over and over, I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to.”

I don’t know what makes me like certain people and dislike others. It’s usually instant. I meet a person and decided papo hapo hapo whether I like them or not. I feel no need to justify or understand such affection, I just accept it and act on it. But when it’s dislike, I tend to sit, overthink, and try to find out why it is that I don’t like said person. Sometimes I change my mind about the person, but not often.

Twitter is like that. There are people I’ve liked instantly, some not so much. I don’t deliberatlely follow anyone, and all my twitter pals are people who followed me first. Except of course for my first five, those ones were handpicked and custom made. **grin**

“It’s not fair when you say that I didn’t try. I just don’t wanna hear it anymore. I swear I never meant to let it die. I just don’t care about you anymore.”

When someone follows me, I go on their page, read their tweets, watch how they talk to other people, decide if I like them or not, then click ‘follow’. Sometimes I unfollow, if someone seems ingenuine, or if they say something that bothers me. And when I log on in the morning, I look around first, see who’s saying what, then decide who I want to talk to for the day. Sometimes my reconnaisance takes as long as two hours, or until someone calls me out. I could never resist a shoutout.

So my interactions on twitter are never as random or extroverted as they seem. I am always dealing with one person at a time, on an individual level. But since there are so many one-on-ones, I end up looking like the social butterfly I am not. I don’t think I’ll meet many of my twitter friends in person. I think they’d be disappointed.

“Wake up, I’m pounding on your door. I won’t hurt you anymore. Where the hell are you when I need you?”

It’s easy to fake stuff online, but in person, me sitting in the group watching and listening as I decide who to engage would not go down well. Besides, I never really know what to say in conversations. So I look around for cues and if none present themselves, I stay quiet. On twitter I can read people’s tweets until I find an opening. In person, that wouldn’t really work. Yes, I know I overthink things. And Elton John is gay.

“No matter how hard I try, you’re never satisfied. This is not a home I think I’m better off alone. You always disappear even when you’re here. This is not my home I think I’m better off alone.”


W suggested I should find myself, and I overthinked it [overthought just sounds wrong.] I was going to do this post jana, but s**t hit, and so today it comes out different. I was going to list the stuff I know about me, then tribute ten special men in my life. Well, right now, one isn’t talking to me, one has failed me, and I’m wondering who I’ll piss off next. I’m thinking I might just stop talking altogether, that way nobody can get upset.

It bothers me when people are hurting, especially people I care about. I always want to fix it somehow. So when I know I caused the hurt, well, what to do? Also, I exaggerate my feelings, even to myself, so I always think I’m more upset/excited/ecstatic than I actually am. Especially when I write it down. I think better when I write. I thought I communicate better too, but clearly, that is a big FAIL.

“Do you think about everything you’ve been through, you never thought you’d be so depressed. Are you wondering if it’s life or death? Do you think that there’s no one like you?”

I discovered chat maybe two years ago, and I thought it was the best thing ever. It let me mingle without mingling, because truth to tell, I don’t really like people. I find them strange and incomprehensible. Granted I’ve met a lot of exceptions, but generally, the human race sucks. So I liked that I could get to know people from the comfort of my monitor, and delete anyone who proved dirtbag. Twitter was a natural next step, and the blessed unfollow button helped a lot.

But then the e-crushes started. I am not attracted to people’s looks. Yes I’m a visual person, and I like the pretty ones, and drool like anyone. But for the most part, I’m attracted to people’s minds, their natures, their vibe. So it’s easy for me to fall for someone online, and I did, several times over. Bad idea. I’ve heard people say chat and text are bad ways to know people, because there’s no tone or body language, but I always assume I can get a person’s vibe, even online. And since I’m completely myself when i chat, I assumed everyone else was as well.

But after a few cases of lost in transcription, I’m not so sure. It’s quite likely I won’t make any new friends online. I’m just too afraid of pissing people off and spreading my madness, so back to the periphery for me. There are a few people who I think can handle me, but still, I’m wary.

“First time you screamed at me, I should have made you leave, I should have known it could be so much better. I hope you’re missing me. I hope I’ve made you see that I’m gone forever.”

I’m brutally honest with my friends, and I expect the same from them. When I upset people, I wish they’d say what I did wrong so I can fix it. I like to fix things. I wish people would stop sparing my feelings with lies. It hurts so much more when the truth comes out, and it always comes out.

Also, don’t ask for my opinion unless you’re sure you can hack it. Coz when you ask once, I’ll take it as an open season permit to always tell you what I think. Until the day you blow up on me and shock me into twilence. That came out sounding a lot more passive aggressive that I intended.

“If I needed someone to control me, if i needed someone to push me around, I would change my direction and save myself before I drown.”

I heard someone say somewhere that communication is a hoax. People will hear what they want to hear regardless of how you frame it. And that bothers me. I get that people misunderstand things. That’s why I need to talk. I need to be able to ask you what it is you think I said, so I can clarify. It may take hours, it may take days, but it won’t take a minute if you shut me out. I hate when people shut me out.

I don’t usually stay where I’m not wanted. So, if you don’t want me around, just say so in plain English and I’ll be gone. No glyphs, no codes, none of that ‘it’s not you it’s me’ crap. Just say ‘get lost’ and I will leave. Really. Just don’t expect me there when you change your mind, I do have my pride.

“Pain. Without love. Pain. Can’t get enough. Pain. I like it rough [well actually no i don’t, but that’s what the song says] coz I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”

Someone asked me yesterday, who is Crystal. Fair enough, now that I’m finding myself. I always say that I know myself pretty well, and I’m obssessed with the whole ‘being me’ and ‘being true to myself’ thing. It’s an INFJ trait apparently. But how can I be true to myself when I’m constantly changing?

Well, there’s stuff about me that is pretty constant. I love books. I haven’t read any in ages, and I’m not sure what kind I like anymore, but I am still at my blissfullest when I’m buried in pages. I guess it’s why I’m good at my job, which basically has me reading manuscripts all day. I love the feel of paper, the sound of pages turning, the smell of a new printout. Even with e-books, articles [and some blogs], I print them out then read them offline.

“We had fire in our eyes in the beginning. I never felt so alive, in the beginning. You blame me but it’s not fair when you say that I didn’t try. I just don’t wanna hear it anymore.”

I love to write. Always have. It’s cathartic, it’s how I express myself, share myself. Some things I write for no one to read, and mostly I’m happy once it’s down on the page. So blogging was a natural progresion for me. I love my laptop. I would cry if it ever crashed or got stolen. Really.

I love music. Rock mostly, soft rock, or alternative or Emo or punk or whatever. Never metal. I like some Tracy Chapman and SSQ and a few other things, but largely, I’m a rock chick. Not Afro-fusion. I’m sorry, but that jazzy stuff just doesn’t do it for me. Though I’m partial to Ella and Duffy and Norah. And Shu is just cute. Ditto for Didge. Forget what all those msn things say about boys and cute – for me, cute is good.

” I hate everything about you. Why do I love you?”

I get lost in my music. I can do nothing but sit with my eyes closed and let the music wash over me. But I don’t usually, coz it seems like a waste of time to just sit and listen to music. So I have to have some sensible task to accompany my euphoria, like typing reports or doing laundry or cleaning up – all of which I do rarely. I do occasionally allow myself sessions of nothing-but-music, but not often. Mostly there has to be some accompanying task, like, oh, I dunno … work?

I am a mother. That will never change. And a big sister. In my mind my over-six-foot brothers are still babies and their girlfriends are demon spawn trying to corrupt them. Ok, perhaps I exaggerate. A little. I am not the sister-in-law from hell. Really. And they’re not married yet. I am also a daughter. I need to work on that one – my big head doesn’t make me very daughterly **grin**

“I could be mean. I could be angry. You know I could be just like you! I could be fake. I could be stupid. You know I could be just like you. You thought you would sit beside me. You were only in my way. You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you.”

So then who is Crystal? A book lover. A writer. A mother. A romantic. Those are my constants. Oh and I like to ride my bike, and eat ice cream and chocolate and cookies, though lately more of the first and less of the other three coz my weight issues are creeping back. Residual effects of being 80kg at age twelve – I never want to be that big again.

I love water. Swimming, showering, listening to the waves on the beach, running the tap. Anything with water for me is bliss. I don’t know if I’m a water sign – I forget. Is sagittarius a water sign?

“I will not die, I’ll wait here for you. I feel alive when you’re beside me. I will not die, I’ll wait here for you in my time of dying.”

I like cartoons. Very specific cartoons. I like pretty animes and have been known to have crushes on some. I believe the term otaku applies here … or was that Japanese mafia? I forget. But anyway, I like cartoons. Danger Mouse, Duckula, Victor & Hugo, Sheep in the Big City, Thundercats, Tom & Jerry, the list is endless. And I think Cartoon Network should be branded PG.

“I will not leave alone everything that I own to make you feel like it’s not too late. It’s never too late.”

I write for me, because I need to. Of course I want people to read, to be moved, to be enlightened, maybe even to change, but most of all I write for me. So once I write, I am sated. Mostly. Except when I wonder if anyone is listening. That bugs me sometimes, thinking my words flew over people’s heads and drifted into nothingness. That bothers me.

I think best when I think aloud, so I value the friends who let me rant. I know it gets annoying, and I really don’t know how they put up with me, or why. But I’m glad they do. They are all my preciouses. I could list them here … but they might get mad at being exposed for being loopy enough to hear me speak **grin** So just know my darlings, that y’all are appreciated, very much so, and I shall one day repay in chocolate 🙂

“If you wanna get out alive, oh-oh run for your life”

I’d include the guitar riffs if I knew how to spell them. This song is like pure candy! Dark though. Dark candy. I want to ice-skate to this song, or do a flower-petal dance. What I just said makes perfect sense in my head **grin** Anyway, I was saying I think best when I think out loud. So most days when I’m ranting at my special ones, I’m really just sorting things in my head. I want them to be open and yell at me when I need it and hug me when I need hugging, not to be all soft soft and sparing. When I need a ngoto, give it. And to bear with me however stubborn I seem, it’s what friends do.

I am grateful for my friends.

I sometimes think there is no one like me out there. I long to be understood, to be loved and accepted for who I am, But most days I am resigned to the fact that no one will ever really get me. It’s kind of sad. Some people like that no one gets them, but me, I just wish someone would.

“No time for goodbye he said as he faded away. Don’t put your life in someone’s hands, they’re bound to steal it away. Don’t hide from your mistakes, they’ll find you, burn you.”

I value my Friend ML because about 80% of the time she does get me. And my friend Jemu thinks I’m absolute alien, but she takes me for me, and I love her for that. But I still long for that elusive someone who enjoys my quirks. My other friends tolerate me, which is hard, and I adore them for that too. You are all very special to me.

I don’t much like alcohol. As a kid, I saw grown ups that I respect go stupid over booze. The lesson I learnt is that beer makes people stupid. Wine and whisky’s worse. I swore I’d never date a drinker, but then I married one. And left him. But not before he left me.

“If I stay it won’t be long till I’m burning on the inside. If I go i can only hope that I’ll make it to the other side.”

I like the taste of spirits, but I’m afraid to get addicted. I’ve been called arrogant for dismissing drinkers. An attractive man drops many notches when I find he drinks. Or smokes. Thanks to her dad, my baby thinks alcohol is evil. I won’t change her mind. But I met at least two boys that are still polite when they’re drunk and I adore them both, so I’m mellowing.

I wonder if anyone can enjoy living with me. I wonder if I’ll ever cut my hair. I wonder if I’ll meet a boy with green eyes. I like green eyes. I wonder if I’m funny. When I chat with boys online they are always laughing, but I’ve never made a boy laugh in person. I’d like that, to talk to a boy and have him laugh. Not because I’m a clown, but because I’m making him happy. I like making people happy. I like it when people laugh.

I’m all talked out now. Not sure if I’ve found myself. Not sure if I even feel better. But I really have nothing more to say. Is this what it means to feel my pain?

“Now it seems you’re leaving, but we’ve only just begun. And you’ve nowhere else to go so I wait for you to take me all the way.”

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Ironic … in so many different ways

As I shut my eyes and dream. I let the music cleanse me. I let the riffs ring in my soul. And I am sad beyond measure. Let it flow. Take me away.

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you’re the only one that I know who’ll keep
them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I know you’ll keep them, and this is what I’ve
done

I’ve been a bad, bad girl for so long
I don’t know how to change what went wrong

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you’re the only one that I know who’ll keep
them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I know you’ll keep them, and this is what I’ve
done

I’ve been down every road you could go
I made some bad choices as you know
Seems I have the whole world cradled in my hands
But its just like me not to understand

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you’re the only one that I know who’ll keep
them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I’ve been a bad, bad girl

I learned my lessons
I turned myself around
I’ve got a guardian angel tattooed in my heart
She’s been watching over me

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you’re the only one that I know who’ll keep
them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I’ve been a bad, bad girl

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you’re the only one that I know who’ll keep
them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I’ve been a bad, bad girl

From Missundaztood, P!nk

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