I’m looking for a love equilibrium.

I loved a man once. I don’t anymore. Loving him was pain, because he never loved me back. Or maybe he just never loved me enough. I’m gone now, and he’s realised all that I was. I am beautiful and special, as most people are. And I haven’t changed. What does he see now that he didn’t see then?

Ulinikataa bila sababu, ulininyanyasa bila aibu.

Nimepata mwingine tabibu, sasa wanifatafata nini?

This person is pulling ridiculously drastic stunts, including pleading with my family, and even calling up my father. I don’t see why, and I don’t really care. I have consistently ignored him for a long, long time. I am not impressed. I am not flattered. I just want him to go away. In the words [and extremely catchy tune] of Ray C, I’ve moved on. Go away please.

I have other people in my life, lots of them, and it gets me thinking. Why is it always that the people we love don’t love us back? At least, not in the same way. In any interaction, there is always a boss and a slave. Well okay, a coach and a captain.

In friendships too, there is always one who values the other more. Why is that? And why is it that among my friends, the ones I  adore think I’m so-s0, and the ones that dote on me are just cool, fun, or tolerable in my eyes? Does this make me awful, or am I simply human?

I am a pretty intense person, and it doesn’t take much for me to love someone. There are people in my life who I worship. Not in a blasphemous way. It’s just that every time I meet them, see their texts, hear their voices or receive their emails, my face lights up and I smile. But to them, I am just another pal. They probably wouldn’t notice if I … well, if I wasn’t there.

Inversely, there are people who shower me with affection. Whenever I’m in their presence, I feel like a queen. I am venerated almost like Princess Di. I often wonder just what it is they see to make them care so much. Yet to me they are just ordinary people whose company I enjoy. I wouldn’t exactly  be shattered if they moved to another country. I’d miss them, think about them on occasion, call them once in a while, but I wouldn’t really feel the pinch. Is it cruel that I feel this way?

Why is it that I don’t adore these people as they adore me? I admit I’m lazy, I don’t like to work at things. I prefer stuff that comes on reflex, and the only reason I push myself so hard at work is because I love it, it’s so easy for me, completely effortless. I like friendships like that, ones that I don’t have to work at, ones that just come.

So I value people that I enjoy instinctively. I thrive in unions like these, and I seek them. I get so jazzed when I find them, and I don’t find them nearly often enough. Once or twice I’ve come close to the perfect liquibrium – or rather friquibrium – the perfect 50-50 friend, the one with whom I am as easy as they are with me, the one whom I give as much as I receive. Both times, the feeling faded and I soon felt like I was forcing things, like I was drowning them with care, so I pulled back.

Other times I think I’ve found ‘it’, but then it’s pendulibrium. Some days I need them more, some days they need me more, some days I wonder what the hell I’m doing.

I picked this weird habit as a kid. I felt that everybody wanted something from me, even if they didn’t know what that something was yet. And when they got what they wanted, they would hurt me.

So if I felt I loved someone one too much, I simply walked away. That way, they couldn’t leave me and hurt me. I do that with all my friendships. If I feel like I need you more than you need me, then I simply go away. So the pendulibrium friends are confusing, coz with them, it’s a constant case of pulling back and coming forth, and not in a good way. It’s too much!

I have three girlfriends that are in a class of their own. I would trust them with my life, and one I trust with my child. I do tell them how I feel sometimes, but not often, and I don’t know if they really understand what they are to me. I guess I’m afraid to jinx it. We live far away, so we don’t see each other as much as we should. I go for yonks without seeing, yet when I do, it’s like we just parted yesterday. I hope I never lose my three favourite girls. So just for the record, Z, J and U, you guys are the best, and I’d be lost without you. See, now you have it in writing *grin*

Then of course, sometimes, for no reason at all, I just get tired of people. I just feel like I don’t want them around anymore. Now that I think about it, there’s always a trigger, and I admit, it’s been a while since I just got bored of anyone. I guess I’m growing up.

I am an adult, and I am me, so I am making a choice. I’m following Qqu’s advice – mpende akupendaye. I am looking round my circle, spotting the people that care for me, and choosing to love them the same way. I am counting my friends, and giving them what they deserve.

Unrequited love is overrated, it’s bad for your health too. And while unconditional love is superb, it’s totally tiring me out, so I’m saving it for my God, my family, and my baby. From now on, I’m engaging fully in cold mode, I’m looking out for me. From here on out, you can call me ice, you can call me a bitch, but me, here, I  only give as good as I get.

So if I tell you to go away, please go away. And if I choose to love you, well, I’m glad, coz it means that in my eyes at least, you’re totally worth it.

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