Posted on by crystal

I wish I was a werewolf … ette

I’m unusually fond of my cousins. It’s more than just the blood bond. It has a lot more to do with ego. See, when I’m sitting with a group of my cousins, I can say anything that comes to mind, and they will always burst out laughing. I don’t think I’m particularly funny [even though one of my exes swore I was a clown], but it really helps my self esteem to make people laugh.

In high school literature classes, we would read set books and poems, then we’d have open sessions where we’d be asked to say what we thought of the work. I soon noticed that every time a classmate spoke, they were greeted with hmms and aahs of approval. Sometimes it would be raucous applause, suggesting that *everyone* agreed with what they said. However, whenever I spoke, I would be greeted with pin drop silence.

…

Like that.

…

The teacher would tilt his head and observe me for a while, then clear his throat so that someone else could raise their hands. I always wondered about that, and decades later, I even asked some classmates about it. They responded with the same pin drop silence.

…

Like that.

…

At the time, I was a teenager with shaky self worth, so I drew one of three conclusions. Either I was so smart that they were awed by my brilliance, or they were shocked that anyone could be so dumb. The third option was that I was speaking in tongues.

I won’t say just which option I picked, but the teacher always gave me top grades for my papers, and he always let me speak when I raised my hand. I think it amused him. Or entertained him. Or something. Maybe he was just itching to know what insane answer I would give next.

In fairness, I have a pretty horizontal leaning, and I can see sex in pretty much everything. I was the Bomb One giving seniors tips on the purpose of flavoured condoms. It’s not like I had used them or anything, but it seemed pretty obvious to me that we don’t have taste buds down there …

Consequently, I could find diagonal leanings in every poem I read. It was pretty plain to me that a verse about a forked road implied sexual choices, especially if the poet spoke of guilt, moral decisions, and meat. You can’t seriously tell me he was sweating over actual forks in an actual roads. I saw it in all poems, whether the subject matter was clocks or concrete, and I suppose that would cause silence to some naive kids in a convent school.

The teacher called me into his office once, to ask about some poems I’d written. They were love poems, centred on death by love and suicide. He said they seemed so real, and that they seemed to come from experience. He felt I was too young to feel love quite so intensely. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say, so I stayed quiet and he sent me away.

I caused a stir later saying Kongowea Mswahili was a fairy tale, and that RATS [River and the Source] was reversely chauvinist, because all the good men married God or died. Quite telling. I was also prone to saying things like:

9 months is an awfully long time. i could pregnant and have a baby in that time.

Or perhaps

You really shouldn’t call us chicks. We might as well call you cocks.

Of course all this was mumbled with a straight face, and was always in response to some lame thing I’d eavesdropped. Half the time, I didn’t know anyone had heard me until they went quiet. I’m surprised I didn’t get lynched more often, but usually, the silence gave me a chance to review my words and walk away.

So, I value my cousins for not going quiet each time I say something crazy.

I’m sure there was a point to this, but I lost it halfway through. Something about the teenagers and silence. Until I can find my train of thought, I’m going to blaming it on kittens and full moons.

♫ Love the way you lie ♫ Eminem featuring Rihanna ♫

Posted on by crystal · 117 Comments

Only Marshall can make beauty out of violence

♫ Just gonna stand there and watch me burn ♫

♫ That’s alright because I like the way it hurts ♫

♫ Just gonna stand there and hear me cry ♫

♫ That’s alright because I love the way you lie ♫

I bumped into this song in a very interesting way. I was having a chat with a very special person, who just happens to be an ex Mr 3CB. We have the same taste in music, so he’s always sending me songs and stuff. Today, he sent me three suggestions. The second song was Beautiful from Relapse, and the third was a song about nonpoints and bullets which made me giggle for a really long time, though I’m still not sure why. I didn’t much like the Relapse song. Too much jazz. But I’ve been playing this one non-stop. The count is at 55.

At first, I wasn’t sure just what I liked. I’ve had the song on my iTunes for months, but I didn’t pay much attention. I mean really … Eminem featuring Rihanna? How now? I glanced at the song info and skipped it more than once. It took Sailor to make me sit up and listen, and only because he has good taste.

When I heard Rihanna whining in the beginning, I was like wtf? But then her voice dies off suddenly and I’m like hmm, this could be interesting. When the beat began, I thought, ‘Hmm, catchy’. Then I started to listen to the words and I was gone. First, it has Em’s trademark rhyming. I just love the way he uses enjambment. Or, maybe it was caesura.

[Disclaimer: I had to Google that one. I know the technique from Mr Murimi and Lit 101, but I couldn’t remember the terms. I suck at details.]

Enjambment is when you stop a sentence in poetry [or rap] partway, to create rhyme and rhythm. Caesura is when you do the same with sound. I think.

♫ High off of love, drunk from my hate ♫

♫ It’s like I’m huffing pain and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate ♫

♫ And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates ♫

♫ me. She fucking hates me and I love it. Wait! ♫

♫ Where you going? ‘I’m leaving you.’ No you ain’t ♫

♫ Come back we’re running right back. Here we go again. ♫

I just love the way he rhymes words that don’t rhyme. I like the tricky word play and the little puns you have to scrutinize to get. Stuff like huffing pain[t].

Of course it helps that the subject is deep, and that it’s handled so uniquely. It helps a lot more that the instrumentals are so awesome. I did more than my fair share of air strings – or whatevere it is they’re using to get the basso profundo. Is that what it was called? That effect where there’s a constant droning bass line? It might have been basso ostinato, I forget.

Anyway, this song clearly moved me. I tweeted about it for well over an hour, and I’m still OCD-ing as we speak. There’s something magical about the way some songs grab me, shake me, and won’t let me go. I’m just a little concerned that lately, a large number are done by Eminem.

There’s a part 2 to this song and I hunted it down on Twitter. It’s not as good as the original, though Em’s verse is amazing, and the song has some pretty serious drums. I thought about it more, whether this is really love, this furious, angstious dependency. It’s powerful and unhealthy, but you can’t deny its passion. I don’t think I want a ‘love’ like that. It makes you feel alive, but it can kill you too.

Either way, I’d still like to buy Marshall tea and pick that brain of his. As long as he doesn’t go Mariah on me. I’m just saying.

♫ Love the way you lie ♫ Eminem featuring Rihanna ♫

Posted on by crystal · 4 Comments

Forty carats

I suppose I’ve always been a cougar. I remember having crushes on my little brother’s classmates, and that was years ago. In all fairness, the classmate in question was 5 feet tall, half German, and had  a name like a movie star. He was 7, and I was … not.

I told a good friend about my … fetish … and she suggested I was looking for someone to mother. Strange, because I already have a baby, and I’m not very motherly. I’m sure there’s some freudian theory involved, but I don’t think about it too much. Between the purple hair, the pierced nose, the perpetual jeans, and the backpack, I can pass for a college kid, so the age of my dates is not a big deal.

This does backfire, however, when I have to go for parent’s day.

Anyway, a few nights ago, I was preparing for a birthday party, and after spending the whole day cooking and cleaning, I had a chronic backache and a bad case of the dizzies. I settled on the sofa to eat and bumped into a TCM movie. I was looking for the title, but I missed the beginning, and all I could remember were the characters. Yay Google!

The name of the movie is 40 Carats. It’s about a forty year old girl liking a 22 year old boy, and it was made in 1973. I liked the movie because it was sentimental and sweet, and because it dealt with a lot of my issues. Plus, it had a happy ending.

A lot of things stood out for me. Anne, the leading lady, has an interesting relationship with her ex. They’re like best friends – well – sort of. He constantly asks her for money, which she gives him. That part is kind of weird. He hardly knows their 17 year old daughter, is adored by his ex mum-in-law, and he flirts constantly, with everyone. But the subject is handled with humour, so you laugh about it instead of cursing him out.

They’re comfortable enough to talk about their dates, and he comes by her house and rubs her feet. He even encourages her to marry, even though he clearly still has feelings for her. He wants her to be happy. But again, the movie has light, workable scenes. None of that Bold & Beautiful drama that would make it all sappy.

I was looking at Billy and Anne, in that scene where they’re on the sofa, and her legs are on his knees, and they’re talking about her date with JD. I kept wondering if I’d be quite as cosy with an ex. I only have one ex that I consider a friend … and we cordially talk about my current … but I don’t think I’d let him into my bedroom. That would be, you know, weird. Still, the fact that I finally have an ex who’s a friend does mean I’m growing up, no?

As I watched scenes between Anne and Billy, I noticed that they were pals. They were comfortable together. I wondered why they split up in the first place. Maybe years from now, when I’m forty, I’ll be just as close with this ex, and maybe we’ll wonder why we broke up as well.

Sometimes, when we talk, I wonder if he misses me, or if he wishes we hadn’t broken up. As for me, I don’t wonder. I know exactly what went wrong, and I’m glad, because I’m in a happier place now. I’m seeing someone who makes me happy, and I’ve never been this comfortable with anyone. He’s immensely easy to be with, and it feels pretty awesome.

I’m glad that the ex and I are friends though. Maybe one day, when I’m all grown up, I’ll be friends with all my exes. It makes life a lot easier.

In the movie, there’s a scene where Peter [the 22 year old] takes Anne [the 40 year old] to a party with his friends. It’s a swing-ish party, lots of nubile, half-clad women, and they’re largely all over the boy. One even tells Anne ‘You’re getting the best here. He’s like WOW!’ I admit it, I squirmed on her behalf. If some goddess half my age walked up to me and complimented my date’s bedroom skills … well, let’s just say extreme scariness would ensue. Logic suggests that the guy is with you, not the complimenter, but really, when you’ve got Halle Berry standing in front of you praising your man’s … assets … logic isn’t really what comes to mind.

In other news, there’s a DSTV offer where you can get a 6 month subscription plus installation for Ksh 10,000. I’ve always wanted to have TCM on demand, so I was looking through the packages.  The cheaper ones don’t have any good channels, and if I want the History Channel, I have to buy the full 6K package. Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to stick with after hours. It was a fun idea while it lasted.

♫ Grenade ♫ Bruno Mars ♫