My *** burns in the feminist hall of shame because I want to be called someone’s girl.

Vanessa Hidary, The Hebrew Mamita

On my Twitter timeline this morning, iCon asked a simple but profound question. I’m sure I took it completely out of context, since I’m known for overthinking things, and I can psychoanalyze a loaf of  bread. But it shook me badly, because my response was automatic.

If I knew I would not fail, and I was guaranteed that he would say yes, I would find the man of my dreams and ask him to marry me.

I realize that’s completely lame because I don’t really believe in God or marriage. I don’t know happy couples, and every time I say, ‘What about so-and-so?’ they go and change their relationship status.

I know a lot of functional marriages, where people make things work and thrive without divorce or murder. They respect each other, raise honest kids, survive the empty nest, and manage to be friends. Some even learn to love each other and to keep that love alive. They make a commitment to each other and let things slide to keep it.

But I don’t want a functional marriage. I don’t want the kind of unions that I heard about on Maina Kageni’s show on Monday. I want a happy marriage, one that makes me smile every morning when I wake up next to him, and one that makes me want to hug him even as I yell and cry about the ish he did. I want to be with a man that loves me and lets me love him back. Emphasis on let because I’m terribly clingy.

But then again, I also want a man who doesn’t like strippers, lap dances, blow jobs, porn, or king sized cakes. Also, he has to accept my daughter, not have any children of his own, and not want to have any children. With me. Or anyone else. I refuse to be the evil sexy stepmother. In exchange for mutual sterilization, he will receive delighted conjugation at least five times a day. Morning glory is a guaranteed added bonus if he gets me up early enough. He will accept, despite his consternation, that while I may be good in bed, I rarely clean … and hardly ever cook.

He will never lie or cheat. Never ever ever ever ever ever! Unless I ask him if I look fat. He has to be nice. And sensitive. And straight.  He will refrain from flirting or straddling women in public [and also in private], because I’m super possessive, passive aggressive, jealous … and I like to break things.

Yes, I’m taking lessons in art, sculpture, animation, and alchemy so I can build him out of straw.

Speaking of Maina Kageni’s show, I need an iPod or something. Listening to Maina’s callers in morning traffic is some form of Chinese torture. You know that episode of Sheep In The Big City where he’s chained to a collar? If he tries to escape, his ears are attacked with easy listening music. That’s like really annoying pipe music, the kind they play in lifts.

If you made me Sheep and put Classic Breakfast on my collar, I would stay in that collar even if we had tsunamis, volcanoes, and atomic bombs combined. I keep wanting to smash my head on the window, jump out, and just walk the rest of the way. But clearly, I am alone. Otherwise, his show wouldn’t air in every single PSV. The term Matatu FM was aptly coined.

Back to the point. I’ve decided I’m not built to be a girlfriend. My conclusion is a defense mechanism. After all, the man I want doesn’t exist, I don’t want to settle for anything less, and I don’t want to get hurt again. So I decided I would pose as a married lesbian and refuse to believe in relationships.

I’ve been talking to my married friends, smiling politely and saying that I’m happy for them – and I am – then listing all the reasons why it wouldn’t work for me. Yet even as I list them, I daydream about cuddling my dream love on a couch, having him rub my feet, hanging out at the beach, talking about everything and nothing, doing the dishes together, or simply playing Strip Scrabble.

I envy women who know exactly what they don’t want, because they have solid opinions that will not be swayed. There is such immense joy in being a true rebel … you know, as opposed to just sounding like one and having purple hair. Me, I’m just afraid I’d suck at marriage, so I’m happy not to try. Besides, I was married once … well … sort of. Common-law-come-we-stay-what-what. It didn’t end well.

I pretend to be a feminist – when it suits me. Mostly, it’s because people assume that I’m one and I don’t feel the need to argue. I’ve had guys tell me I’m an ummarriable, and one suggested that I need a wife, so to them, the shoe fits. Besides, how do I explain that while I pay my own bills and ask guys out when I want to, I would still like a man to take care of me? It’s not that he has to, or needs to, or even that I expect him to. It’s that I want him to want to. I want him to protect me and shield my heart, because that’s what a real man does. I want him to stand next to me as I live my dream, ask for my help when he needs it, and hold me to keep all the bad things out. And I want him to do that while accepting that I will never have his children.

See why it’s easier to just denounce marriage?

Sometimes I have myself convinced that I don’t want anybody. After all, I love my life, I have no pangs about Valentines Day, and I’ve become quite efficient in the art. Sometimes, I’m even more efficient without … um … phallic guidance. I like my space and freedom, I’m scared of in-laws, and I don’t want to be told how to spend ‘our money’. My baby’s almost ten, so I have no bio-clock issues, and the folks aren’t complaining, so it’s not like I’m missing anything. I’m not against marriage. It’s perfectly fine – for other people. I’m happy with my life, and with being single. Sure, I could use a lot more money, but I really wouldn’t mind being a hot old maid.

Yet when I’m asked about the one thing I would do if I was guaranteed I’d win, I think of being a bride and living happily ever after. I know there are fights and disagreements, and that sometimes people want to sleep on the couch or be somewhere else, but I just want to be the girl he’s mostly happy to come home to. I’m sure I’d make a lousy wife, but in my deepest parts, I still want to see him grinning at me as I walk down the aisle in my little red dress, bopping my head to Canon Rock. Since the thought came so automatically, it must be really important to me, and I think that’s really sad. I blame it entirely on Walt Disney.

http://diasporadical.com/2011/01/18/when-mom-came-over-to-have-%E2%80%9Cthe-talk%E2%80%9D/

166 thoughts on “To marry … ?”

  2. @Bomseh I’m pretty demanding *cheeky grin* If I find him, it’s cool, but I’m happy on my own as well, so it’s a win-win for me 🙂

  6. If you are also having issues related to acne or one of your known persons is suffering from such problem, you
    must help them out. pimples are not that huge issue that they are made out to
    be. They could be treated very well with natural treatments,
    you only require to find the correct person and get the correct
    treatment. I have put a link below for you to have
    a look and take benefit of for natural acne cure. Don’t go for those
    acne and pimples pills or creams or lotions, these shall not prove
    beneficial in the long run. Therefore, go for natural remedies.

    These natural acne and pimples cures had been here for centuries and they had been helpful then and they are beneficial now.
    Plus they are quite cheap and not cost big unlike the things that you get
    over the counter or from doc. And you can avoid these pimples if you watch your foods and keep your body
    in right condition. The main reason acne and pimples occur is when there is
    dis-balance in the internal hormonal balance inside the body.
    Therefore, better lifestyle can keep you safe from pimples.

    And if you happen to have acne you will get rid of it,
    this is no big issue. Do not ruin your social life due to it.
    Try natural acne and pimples solutions, you can get rid of acne and pimples.

    Natural Pimples Treatment

  7. I’ve been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.
    It is pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made good content
    as you did, the web will be much more useful than ever before.

  8. Terrific article! That is the kind of information thhat
    should be shared across the web. Shame on the search engines ffor not positioning this put upp upper!
    Come on over and talk over wwith my site . Thank you =)

  9. May I just say what a comfort to uncover someone who actually understands what they’re discussing on the web.
    You certainly realize how to bring a problem to
    light and make it important. More and more people really
    need to read this and understand this side of the story.
    I was surprised that you are not more popular since you certainly have the gift.

    Also visit my web-site: Realm of The Mad God Hacking

  11. Pingback: healthy meal plan for fat loss

  14. hello there and thank you for ypur information – I’ve certainly picked up anything new from right here.
    I did however expertise some technical issues
    using this web site, since I experienced to reload the web site lots
    off times prfevious to I couldd get it to load properly.
    I had been wondering iff your hosting iis OK? Not that I’m complaining, but slow loading instances times will often affect your placement inn google annd
    could damage your high-quality score if adds and marketing with Adwords.
    Anyway I’m adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of your respective
    fascinating content. Make sure you update this again very soon.

  15. Menurut hasil riset di beberapa media ternama, rakyat Indonesia merupakan salah satu negara yang komunitas jejaring sosialnya sangat
    luas penggunanya. 1996 Undang-undang federal, Komunikasi Decency UU, memberikan penyedia layanan online perlindungan fb yang luas
    dari segala tanggung jawab atas apa yang orang katakan atau lakukan
    pada situs mereka. Bilamana anda pingin mencoba bertaruh taruhan bola
    dengan memakai sbobet, sebaiknya anda mencoba untuk melangsungkan sbobet
    login lebih dulu.

  16. whoah this weblog is magnificent i really like reading your posts.
    Stay up the good work! You recognize, many persons are hunting
    round for this info, you can help them greatly.

  17. Its like you learn my thoughts! You appear too grasp a lot approximately this, lie you wrote
    the e-book in it or something. I feel that you simply
    could doo with a few p.c. to power tthe message house a little bit, however instead off that,
    this is wonderful blog. An excellent read. I will definitely
    be back.

  19. Oh my goodness! Infredible article dude! Thank you so
    much, However Iam experiencing troubles with your RSS.

    I don’t know the reason why I can’t join it. Is there anybody else having tthe same RSS problems?

    Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

  20. Howdy! Quick question that’s completely off topic.
    Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly?
    My blog looks weird when viewing from my iphone4. I’m trying to find a theme
    or plugin that might be able to fix this issue. If you have
    any suggestions, please share. Cheers!

  21. My partner and I absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your post’s to be
    exactly I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content in your case?
    I wouldn’t mind composing a post or elaborating on a number of the subjects you write related to here.
    Again, awesome blog!

  22. I was recommended this blog by my cousin. I am
    not sure whether this post is written by him
    as nobody else know such detailed about my problem. You are
    wonderful! Thanks!

  24. Having read this I thought it was really informative.
    I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put this information together.
    I once again find myself personally spending way too much time both reading and leaving
    comments. But so what, it was still worth it!

  25. Howdy, I think your blog may be having browser compatibility problems.

    When I look at your website in Safari, it looks fine however, if opening in I.E., it’s
    got some overlapping issues. I simply wanted to give you a quick heads
    up! Aside from that, wonderful site!

  26. For instance, the main characters are both trying very hard to get into an Ivy League school, and
    almost fail to do so, but they both succeed in the end.
    If you’re going retail with your small town business idea, be very careful to follow what the town already demands.

    ” There are many negative impacts of taxation in the economy, and that is why taxing business and individuals too much can easily lead to a decline in productivity.

  27. Hello my family member! I wish to say that this article is amazing, nice written and come with approximately all important infos.

    I would like to peer extra posts like this .

  28. Hey! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog.
    Is it very difficult to set up your own blog?
    I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty
    fast. I’m thinking about setting up my own but I’m not sure where to start.
    Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Thanks

  30. Pingback: garcinia plus
  32. Pingback: home improvement projects

  33. Howdy I am so excited I found your blog, I really found you by error, while I wass looking on Yahoo for something else, Anyhow I am here now and
    would just like to say thanks a lott for a incredible post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the
    theme/design), I don’t have time tto read it all at the moment but I
    have bookmarkked it andd also addeed in your RSS feeds, so when I have
    time I will be back to read a great deal more, Please
    do keep up thee fantastic b.

  36. Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having a tough time locating it but, I’d
    like to send you an e-mail. I’ve got some suggestions for your blog
    you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it
    expand over time.

  39. Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew
    of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically
    tweet my newest twitter updates. I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping
    maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
    Please let me know if you run into anything.
    I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward
    to your new updates.

  42. hi!,I love your writing so much! share we keep in touch extra about your post on AOL?

    I require a specialist in this space to unravel my problem.
    May be that’s you! Looking ahead to see you.

  44. It’s perfect time to make some plans for the future and it
    is time to be happy. I’ve read this post and if I could I want to suggest you some interesting things or suggestions.
    Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article.
    I want to read more things about it!

  45. I’m really loving the theme/design of your site. Do you ever run into
    any internet browser compatibility issues? A number of my blog audience have complained about my website
    not operating correctly in Explorer but looks
    great in Opera. Do you have any suggestions to help fix this issue?

  46. Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thank you, However I am having problems with your RSS.
    I don’t know the reason why I can’t join it. Is there anybody else having similar RSS problems?

    Anybody who knows the answer will you kindly respond?
    Thanks!!

  47. Please let me know if you’re looking for a author for
    your site. You have some really good posts and I think I would
    be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some articles for
    your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.

    Please shoot me an email if interested. Thank you!

  48. Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite reason seemed to be
    on the web the simplest thing to keep in mind of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people think about concerns that they just
    do not recognize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out the whole thing without having side-effects , other people can take a signal.
    Will likely be back to get more. Thank you

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.