Disclaimer: This is me thinking out loud, and may serve no purpose other than to clear my head. #KthxBye.
These thoughts have been going on for two weeks. I’m sitting at my desk, with lots of not-so-random thoughts drifting by. I was once asked what a writer is. I said you’re a writer as long as you write. Which makes me sad because I see myself as a writer before all else, and I haven’t written in months. Does that mean I’ve lost myself somehow?
In some ways, it feels like I have. I’ve sunk into the drudgery of everyday life. Wake up. Prepare the baby for school. Go to the office. Come back home. Check homework. Prepare the baby for bed. Sleep. Repeat. It’s like there’s no soul in my life anymore, like I’m drowning in the mundane.
I’ve often said I envy people who don’t think. Because what I’ve just described is everybody’s life. The difference is … not everybody considers it a national disaster. To most people, this is just life. But to the overthinkers among us, the ordinariness of existence is something to … well … THINK about. Because for us, life should be anything but ordinary. It should be full and vibrant and meaningful. It should have a purpose that is higher, broader, and deeper than commutes and sex and chores.
I’m thinking about this now because in the past few months, I’ve thrown myself into a project that brought me large amounts of joy, pain, stress, pleasure, and music. I thought it was my way out, my ticket beyond the ordinary life I had slipped into. Now that project is gone, largely because of my *principles* and I’m feeling rather lost.
I’m wondering what the point of these morals is, if they only stop me from doing something profitable. I’m wondering what the past four months were about, and what it was all for. Was it just another round of random ordinariness? And yet, without these morals that are peeving me so badly, I wouldn’t be me, and I wouldn’t have the skills and constitution to do what I did.
That’s what makes it almost a conundrum. I joined the project for the same reason I left it. Vicious circle I suppose. It’s a bit like struggling to get to the top of a mountain, then beating yourself up for having the determination to get there, because now you have to go back down and the whole trip seems pointless.
For most people, this question wouldn’t even come up, because the point of climbing a mountain is to climb a mountain, right? Or to say that you have. At the very least, you climb to enjoy the view. It reminds me of the video for ♫ Free ♫ by Rudimental. In the video, this guys spends several gruelling weeks struggling to the summit of a mountain. Then he straps on a para-wing-gliding thingie and flies down in less than an hour.
Watching that video, I first ask myself what he was smoking, and what would possess me to jump off such a mountain for kicks. Then I ask if he thought it was worth weeks of torture just for one hour of pleasure. The look on his face says it was, at least for him.
There doesn’t need to be some deep philosophcal reason for doing such crazy things, at least not for the average person. He did it because he wanted to do it, and because he could. With my project, I worked on it because I wanted it to succeed. And it did. Now it’s over and everything is crumbling. Trust, belief, friendships … and all because of money.
So I’m asking myself what the point was, why I even bothered. Logically speaking, the project succeeded, so the aftermath shouldn’t matter. The goal was achieved. I suppose the reason I’m upset is we had different ideas of success, different measures of how it should all end. So while some people are perfectly content with the result, I’m disillusioned and really, really sad.
There IS a logical side to my mind. And it’s telling me to stop being overly emotional, to look at things rationally, to stop blowing the situation out of proportion. It’s telling me I expect too much from people, and that I always think the worst of them … descriptors that seems oddly contradictory. Another part of me says the reason I am who I am is that I see people better than they see themselves, which makes me think the best and worst of them often at the exact same time.
Sometimes I think I need to get out of the real world, stop interacting with flesh and blood, and just write stories in my head. Or better yet, write these stories on paper and get paid for them. After all, my characters will never disappoint me. They will always live exactly how I want them to live. Plus, I get to play God, which is always fun. Now there’s an idea.
♫ You found me ♫ The Fray ♫
You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and very broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!
I have been exploring for a bit for any high-quality articles or weblog posts on this sort of area . Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this site. Reading this info So i’m satisfied to express that I’ve a very excellent uncanny feeling I discovered exactly what I needed. I most surely will make certain to don’t overlook this site and give it a look regularly.
It is my belief that mesothelioma can be the most lethal cancer. It contains unusual characteristics. The more I actually look at it the more I am convinced it does not respond like a true solid human cancer. In case mesothelioma is actually a rogue viral infection, so there is the potential for developing a vaccine plus offering vaccination to asbestos open people who are vulnerable to high risk connected with developing upcoming asbestos linked malignancies. Thanks for discussing your ideas for this important ailment.
http://www.antennaselector.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=toppornlist.net
You made some clear points there. I did a search on the subject matter and found most persons will consent with your blog.
Thanks for revealing your ideas right here. The other matter is that each time a problem arises with a computer system motherboard, people should not take the risk with repairing this themselves because if it is not done right it can lead to irreparable damage to all the laptop. It will always be safe just to approach your dealer of that laptop for that repair of motherboard. They’ve technicians who definitely have an know-how in dealing with laptop computer motherboard difficulties and can carry out the right prognosis and accomplish repairs.
Keep working ,splendid job!
You completed several nice points there. I did a search on the topic and found nearly all persons will agree with your blog.
Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?
These days of austerity in addition to relative panic about having debt, lots of people balk up against the idea of employing a credit card in order to make acquisition of merchandise or even pay for a trip, preferring, instead only to rely on a tried as well as trusted means of making settlement – hard cash. However, if you’ve got the cash there to make the purchase in full, then, paradoxically, this is the best time for them to use the cards for several causes.
Hi, i think that i saw you visited my site so i got here to “go back the favor”.I’m attempting to find things to improve my website!I assume its adequate to make use of a few of your ideas!!
A lot of thanks for all of your hard work on this web site. My aunt enjoys engaging in investigations and it is easy to see why. All of us notice all relating to the compelling medium you convey precious guidance by means of this website and as well boost contribution from the others on the issue so our simple princess is really being taught a lot of things. Enjoy the remaining portion of the year. You’re doing a good job.
you’re really a good webmaster. The site loading speed is amazing. It sort of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick. Moreover, The contents are masterwork. you have performed a fantastic job on this topic!
Hi my friend! I want to say that this post is awesome, nice written and come with almost all vital infos. I would like to look extra posts like this.
One thing I’d really like to reply to is that weightloss system fast may be accomplished by the perfect diet and exercise. People’s size not simply affects appearance, but also the complete quality of life. Self-esteem, melancholy, health risks, and physical skills are afflicted in putting on weight. It is possible to make everything right and still gain. Should this happen, a problem may be the offender. While an excessive amount of food rather than enough physical exercise are usually responsible, common health conditions and widely used prescriptions can certainly greatly amplify size. Thanks alot : ) for your post here.
I really like your writing style, fantastic information, thankyou for posting : D.
Hi there very nice web site!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Wonderful .. I will bookmark your web site and take the feeds also…I’m glad to find so many useful information here within the post, we’d like develop extra strategies in this regard, thanks for sharing.