Which means absolutely nothing unless you went to one of those schools where you used seven different textbooks for English grammar, then pursued a BA in Literature. I did both. Because happiness is getting paid for reading storybooks.

bookworm

Today, I wanted to write two pieces that I have no business writing. One was about gay men. The other was against single mothers. I shouldn’t write about gay men because – well – I’m a straight woman. And I shouldn’t write against single mums because I am one. And yet this bee in my bonnet is having me write about both.

First. Gay men. I make a lot of assumptions about them. Like, I always thought one of them has to be the guy and the other one has to be the girl. Until I read an interview by a very girly gay guy complaining about his love-life. By virtue of being gay, he is attracted to … well … men. Manly men. Men that don’t look like girls. He said most men – by virtue of being gay – are attracted to men who don’t look like girls. And therefore, naturally, men who look like girls have a harder time finding partners. I might say the same about girly lesbians and guy-ey lesbians.

I’d never thought of it like that. But now that I do … the only men that ‘look’ gay are the ‘femmes’, the ones with girly tendencies. Same goes for guy-ey lesbians. So there are – obviously – a whole bunch of left-batting guys and girls who don’t ‘look’ homosexual. And who perhaps are attracted to the ones that do. It’s only logical really.

I was reading an article yesterday about two different types of gay men. Some of them view their sexuality as strictly a bedroom matter. They are gay guys that ‘act straight’ in the same way that metros are straight men that ‘act gay.’ Then there are the kind of gay guys that are flamboyant and out there.

Exhibit A
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s actually a pretty good article. A pretty long article. In one section, the writer quotes an interviewee from Gay New York, describing the difference between the two ‘types’ of gays: “For some people it was your whole life, your soul. For others it was what you did on the weekend.” In this sense, they’re a bit like minorities, or even feminists. For some, everything from your choice of words to your choice of sandwich is about expressing your gayness, blackness, or feminism. For others, it’s an important component of who you are, but it’s still just one component, and you’d like to be seen as something more than the gay guy, or black girl, or independent woman.

Another quote from the article puts it quite nicely, questioning why a person’s job, legal rights, or family life should be dictated by who they sleep with. To put in context, I like pretty boys, and I have a thing for white guys. And mixed guys. And any guys with pretty eyes and gorgeous hair.

So what if one day somebody woke up and invented a special grouping for black girls that like white guys? What if they decided to call it – oh, I don’t know – whompers. As a whomper, I might prefer to hang out in certain places because a lot of white guys spend time there. And so it would be called a Whompers’ Club, or a Whompers’ Zone. I might decide to wear long weaves, start dieting, and join a gym, because we hear most white guys like long hair and slim frames.

Would it be okay for the government to decide I should not get NHIF or visit certain places or even have my potentially biracial  children in their schools because I’m sleeping with a white man? After all, I am so much more than my bed-mate. I am a person, a mother, a writer. Can’t I be defined by any and all of that, instead of my primary identifier being the person that’s in my bed? Yet we do it to LGBTs every day.

You could argue a million things. You could say homosexuality is a sin or unnatural or whatever other argument you want to quote. It’s in the Bible after all. Except that the Bible also says black people should be enslaved, because Ham, Noah’s son. And that a rapist can marry his victim if he pays dowry. And that genocide is acceptable as long as your victims are Canaanites. And a whole bunch of other disturbing things, so I’m not big on that particular doctrine.

Fix it Jesus I cant

I think homosexuals are born that way, and I don’t think God would create you a certain way then declare you a sin. That’s not God. That’s human. And that’s evil. Some of us are attracted to tall men, or short men, or white men. Others are attracted to curvy women, or petite women, or long haired women. Some of us like all of the above, and some of us like none of the above. And while we can choose who to date, marry, or sleep with, we can’t choose who we are attracted to.

I say as long as everyone is adult, available, and willing, what happens in bedrooms is nobody else’s business. As for extensions of bedroom choices that go outside the bed, choices like where to hang out, what to wear, or how to decorate your house, that’s entirely up to you as well. The brave ones keep it public and expose themselves to judgement for living their lives, and I have nothing but love for them. That said, unless it involves your personal dick  or vagina, just leave it be.

Now for the more contentious issue of single mums. I don’t mean widows/widowers or parents whose partner works in another county/country, because they essentially raise their babies on their own as well. I mean parents without an officially assigned formal partner-cum-co-parent that isn’t related by close friendship or blood. And yes, I did want to be a lawyer.

I read a piece at Biko Zulu’s written by a single mum. When I started the article, I was skeptical, because there isn’t much stigma anymore, or so I thought. At my daughter’s school, a lot of the kids are from single-parent homes, and I’m grateful for that because she doesn’t feel ‘different’ or ‘odd’.

Plus, I have a strong support system. My brothers are good male role models, so I rarely feel alone in my parenting. Well, sometimes I do, but not often. And perhaps more importantly, I’m an anti-social introvert who never goes anywhere but work and school events, so I’m probably not hanging out with the kind of people that would stigmatise my status. I have a small circle of friends and family who generally have bigger problems with me than whether or not I have a wedding ring.

funny-alligator-purse-ex-husband-cartoon

Of course, every once in a while, the question comes up. Mostly at bigger family events which draw a wider net of relatives, and they all want to know why I haven’t caught a man yet. I usually respond by grinning cheekily and saying, ‘I already gave you guys a baby, I’m not in any hurry to give you a husband.’ I thought about ‘explaining’ why I’m a single mum, but that sounded way too much like justifying myself. My reasons for being a single mum are valid in my mind. Every mother’s reasons are. And I’m mostly happy with the way my life has turned out.

One thing makes me sad though. My daughter is blessed to have father figures even though her biological dad is not a part of our lives. It’s entirely my choice that he’s not in our lives, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I still feel sad that we’ve created a world where we don’t feel the need for a dad.

I’m sad that so many kids grow up with single parents, and while they get many benefits from it, they still miss out a lot by not having double folks. There’s a lot to be said for having a mum and a dad in your everyday life, and it just seems that we’ve become almost flippant about not having that.

There was a time when being pregnant and unmarried could get you arrested, killed, shunned, or at the very least, married off as a third wife. We’ve come a long way since then, and that’s awesome. Still … the choice to have and raise a child on your own is too easy a decision to make, and that bothers me. I suppose it’s just one of those things in life. Things that are sad, yes, but they are what they are.

Still, sometimes I wonder … where are the dads? Are they interested? Do they know they have kids somewhere? In my case – in many cases – it’s the choice of the mother to keep the man out of her life. In other cases, the father knows he has a child, but doesn’t really want to be involved. But can those two simple poles possibly cover every man that ever spread his seed, or is there more grey to these questions?

While we’re on the subject, are there any statistics on the number of single dads? Because I suspect there are a lot more of them than we acknowledge. We used to say it was harder for a woman to abandon her kids, but with the rise of feminism, female independence, and divorce – even in this part if the world, I suspect there are more single dads than we think.

I was talking to a friend the other day, on the question of being a feminist that still wants to be loved, valued, and protected by a man. I told her that yes, I can pay my bills, and I do. But when I’m in a relationship, I still want my man to pay for our dates and buy me chocolate. She smiled and said something her husband had told her. Most men want to pay for dinner. It makes them feel important. But most men have a lot of demands on their money, so if you insist on being independent and paying for the movie, he won’t stop you.

That made me think. These men, these fathers of single-mother-kids. Is that what happened? Did they simply cave in when the mother of their child insisted on doing it on her own … or maybe doing it with another man? Did they have so many other things to deal with that they were willing to let go of their child? Will there be a time – many years from now – when they are settled and secure, when they’ve done some ‘growing up’, when they feel ready to be fathers and will come for their children?

♫ We are never getting back together ♫ Taylor Swift ♫

 

110 thoughts on “I have bees in my bonnet

  1. I just want to mention I’m beginner to blogs and actually enjoyed this website. Likely I’m want to bookmark your site . You really come with good article content. With thanks for revealing your blog site.

  2. Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your article seem to be running off the screen in Ie. I’m not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know. The design and style look great though! Hope you get the problem resolved soon. Thanks

  3. Hi there are using WordPress for your blog platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set up my own. Do you require any html coding expertise to make your own blog? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  4. I think other web-site proprietors should take this website as an model, very clean and great user genial style and design, let alone the content. You’re an expert in this topic!

  5. I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to construct my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. cheers

  6. I’ll immediately seize your rss as I can not to find your e-mail subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Please permit me recognise so that I may just subscribe. Thanks.

  7. I just couldn’t leave your website before suggesting that I really loved the usual information an individual supply to your visitors? Is gonna be again often in order to investigate cross-check new posts

  8. One thing I want to comment on is that fat burning plan fast can be achieved by the suitable diet and exercise. A person’s size not simply affects the look, but also the entire quality of life. Self-esteem, depressive disorders, health risks, as well as physical ability are afflicted in an increase in weight. It is possible to just make everything right and still gain. If this happens, a problem may be the root cause. While an excessive amount of food but not enough body exercise are usually the culprit, common health concerns and widespread prescriptions may greatly help to increase size. Thanks alot : ) for your post in this article.

  9. There are some interesting time limits in this article but I don’t know if I see all of them middle to heart. There’s some validity but I’ll take maintain opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want more! Added to FeedBurner as effectively

  10. I like the helpful information you provide in your articles. I will bookmark your weblog and check again here regularly. I’m quite certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

  11. I’ve learned some important things via your post. I’d also like to convey that there can be situation where you will apply for a loan and never need a cosigner such as a Government Student Support Loan. However, if you are getting a borrowing arrangement through a traditional bank or investment company then you need to be ready to have a cosigner ready to assist you. The lenders will certainly base their decision on a few components but the biggest will be your credit ratings. There are some loan providers that will additionally look at your work history and choose based on this but in many cases it will depend on your rating.

  12. I was reading some of your content on this internet site and I conceive this website is real informative ! Keep on posting .

  13. I beloved as much as you’ll obtain performed right here. The caricature is tasteful, your authored material stylish. nevertheless, you command get got an impatience over that you want be handing over the following. unwell surely come more in the past again as precisely the similar nearly very often inside case you shield this increase.

  14. Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite reason seemed to be at the internet the easiest thing to remember of. I say to you, I certainly get irked at the same time as folks think about issues that they plainly do not know about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest as neatly as outlined out the whole thing without having side effect , people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

  15. I just could not depart your website prior to suggesting that I really enjoyed the standard info a person provide for your visitors? Is going to be back often in order to check up on new posts

  16. Thanks for your thoughts. One thing I’ve got noticed is banks as well as financial institutions know the spending behavior of consumers as well as understand that most of the people max outside their credit cards around the holiday seasons. They smartly take advantage of this fact and start flooding ones inbox plus snail-mail box along with hundreds of Zero APR card offers shortly after the holiday season ends. Knowing that for anyone who is like 98% in the American open public, you’ll rush at the opportunity to consolidate personal credit card debt and transfer balances to 0 interest rate credit cards.

  17. What i don’t understood is actually how you’re not really much more neatly-appreciated than you might be now. You’re so intelligent. You understand thus considerably when it comes to this subject, made me for my part consider it from a lot of various angles. Its like women and men are not fascinated except it is one thing to do with Woman gaga! Your own stuffs great. Always handle it up!

  18. Thanks for another magnificent article. Where else could anyone get that kind of info in such an ideal way of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I am on the look for such information.

  19. One other issue is when you are in a scenario where you do not possess a cosigner then you may actually want to try to exhaust all of your federal funding options. You could find many awards and other scholarship grants that will present you with finances to aid with school expenses. Thank you for the post.

  20. I’ll immediately seize your rss as I can not in finding your e-mail subscription link or newsletter service. Do you have any? Please allow me understand in order that I may just subscribe. Thanks.

  21. Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

  22. Awesome blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog shine. Please let me know where you got your theme. Thanks

  23. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get several emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Many thanks!

  24. I believe that avoiding refined foods would be the first step in order to lose weight. They could taste very good, but processed foods have very little nutritional value, making you take more simply to have enough vitality to get over the day. In case you are constantly taking in these foods, changing to whole grains and other complex carbohydrates will help you have more strength while feeding on less. Interesting blog post.

  25. I am not sure where you are getting your info, but good topic. I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more. Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for this information for my mission.

  26. I’m curious to find out what blog system you have been utilizing? I’m having some small security problems with my latest blog and I would like to find something more risk-free. Do you have any recommendations?

  27. Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn anything like this before. So good to seek out somebody with some original thoughts on this subject. realy thank you for starting this up. this website is one thing that is wanted on the internet, someone with a little bit originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the internet!

  28. Generally I don’t read post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to try and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thanks, very nice article.

  29. I truly appreciate this post. I’ve been looking all over for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You’ve made my day! Thanks again

  30. Hello, you used to write fantastic, but the last few posts have been kinda boring… I miss your tremendous writings. Past few posts are just a bit out of track! come on!

  31. Thanks for sharing superb informations. Your web site is very cool. I am impressed by the details that you have on this web site. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this website page, will come back for more articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found just the info I already searched all over the place and just could not come across. What a perfect site.

  32. Hey there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing months of hard work due to no backup. Do you have any solutions to stop hackers?

  33. Excellent blog right here! Additionally your web site quite a bit up fast! What host are you the use of? Can I get your affiliate link for your host? I wish my web site loaded up as fast as yours lol

  34. A lot of thanks for every one of your labor on this site. Ellie really loves working on investigations and it is obvious why. We know all regarding the lively medium you render both interesting and useful tips by means of the website and in addition foster participation from people on that topic and our own child is without question discovering so much. Enjoy the remaining portion of the new year. You’re the one carrying out a first class job.

  35. What i do not understood is in reality how you’re no longer actually a lot more neatly-favored than you may be right now. You’re so intelligent. You know thus considerably with regards to this topic, made me for my part believe it from a lot of numerous angles. Its like women and men aren’t fascinated unless it is something to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your personal stuffs nice. Always maintain it up!

  36. Generally I don’t learn article on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very compelled me to check out and do it! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thank you, quite nice post.

  37. One other issue is that if you are in a predicament where you would not have a cosigner then you may want to try to wear out all of your educational funding options. You’ll find many funds and other scholarships or grants that will supply you with finances to help you with university expenses. Thanks alot : ) for the post.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.