I’ve been in a depressive spell for a few months now. It’s different from the ones I’ve had before, although to be fair, every low cycle has been different since I started therapy. I guess they just manifest in a different way.
The symptoms are the same. Persistent exhaustion, skipped showers, lack of appetite, lost interest in reading and music. The things that make me happy no longer do. And lately, it comes with inexplicable anger.
My therapist says anger is a secondary emotion. It masks something I’m not willing to deal with. In my case, it’s grief. I feel like something very dear to me is gone, and even though I know it’s all in my head, the feelings persists.
Feelings aren’t facts, but they still do a pretty good job of fucking shit up so …
And so I find myself resigned. Waiting for the end. What you resist persists, right? The funny thing is … it’s a cycle. Fox chasing tail. I once read about ‘the leaving dance’. It’s like when you’re on a date, or a party conversation. You’re both enjoying it and nobody wants to stop, but it has to end sometime.
So you start to do the leaving dance. Straightening your skirt or tie, glancing at the door, your watch, the waiter, the people around you. You begin to fidget, shifting from one leg to another. Your feet face the door then turn back to the person you’re with. Your fingers twitch, you can’t relax.
You know you should go, but you want to stay, and you’re both wishing the other person will make that decision for you. You want them to gather the courage to leave, or give you a reason to stay. But you’re both stuck.
I feel like I’m doing a leaving dance, and it sucks. I keep hoping to find a reason to stay, but the more I fight the feeling, the deeper it nestles in. I suppose it all comes from a fear of abandonment, so I Googled how to deal with it. Google offered this article with a helpful list of do’s and don’ts. It starts with everything I’ve been doing so far. It’s all subconscious, and detrimental:
- Expecting too much from your person.
- Squashing your insecure feelings.
- Manipulating them into validating you.
- Masking insecurity with coyness and anger.
- Altering your personality to keep them.
- Making them responsible for your feelings.
- Hating yourself for being so insecure.
The article then suggests a few things you should do instead:
- Cut yourself some slack. You didn’t choose to be scared. You just are.
- Everybody’s scared of something. You’re not weak. You’re human.
- That said, you can choose to stop putting them in charge of your feelings …
- And don’t ask them to make you feel better, even if they triggered it …
- Because triggering something isn’t causing it…
- It’s just reminding you of something that happened before.
- So maybe deal with that thing. The one that happened before.
- Though you have to figure it out first.
- Also, rely on yourself emotionally …
- But don’t isolate. It’s not the same thing.
- It’s about finding peace inside, not shutting everyone outside.
- (I have no idea how to do this, and neither does Huffpost.)
Point is no matter how much someone loves me, it’s not their job to make me feel secure. It’s mine. And if I outsource to them for too long, they’ll get tired, give up, and leave. Self-fulfilling prophesy. Oddly, fighting the insecurity makes it stronger and widens the wedge. The trick is to discover why I feel insecure and fix that instead. Not the insecurity, but its root source. The source has nothing to do with this situation, it just inadvertently triggered it.
The leaving dance puts the other person in charge. It makes it their job to extend your time together. And if you both dance, then you both lose. So maybe you take a chance. Maybe you ask if you can stay. And maybe the next time you dance, they’ll do the asking.
And even if they don’t, it’s okay. You don’t have to blame them. You don’t have to blame yourself. It doesn’t always have to be somebody’s fault. Sometimes, shit just doesn’t work out, and that’s life. As they say on twitter, ke sera sera. #Sic #NoTypo #KOT
They say people learn to be incompatible. During the honeymoon stage, everything is roses. But with time, everything about the one you love feels … wrong. They haven’t changed, and neither have you. It’s just … well … the pheromones are gone so you’ve stopped masking their flaws, and they’ve stopped masking yours. At this point, you can make an active choice to work shit out. But … turns out some things are just too deep to resolve.
I told myself I’d know the depression was starting to lift when I actively sought my earphones. And as I type, I’m listening to music for the first time in more than a month. Except … I don’t feel lighter. I just feel … resigned. Maybe I’m looking for something I can’t have. And maybe it’s time to give up.
♫ Say something ♫ justin timberlake ft chris stapleton ♫
Thank you for another informative site. Where else could I get that type of info written in such an ideal way? I have a project that I’m just now working on, and I’ve been on the look out for such info.
http://wyhvac.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=bestpornsites.guide
Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all people you really understand what you’re talking approximately! Bookmarked. Kindly additionally discuss with my site =). We could have a hyperlink alternate contract among us!
Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this blog. It’s simple, yet effective.
A lot of times it’s challenging to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and appearance.
I must say that you’ve done a very good job with this.
Additionally, the blog loads very quick for me on Opera.
Superb Blog!
Somebody necessarily assist to make critically posts I might state.
That is the first time I frequented your website page and thus far?
I surprised with the analysis you made to make this particular publish extraordinary.
Great task!
I am very happy to read this. This is the type of manual that needs to be given and not the random misinformation that is at the other blogs. Appreciate your sharing this greatest doc.
I appreciate, cause I found just what I was looking for. You have ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye
Hello, i think that i saw you visited my blog so i came to “return the favor”.I’m trying to find things to enhance my website!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!
Very interesting details you have noted , thankyou for putting up. “History is a cyclic poem written by Time upon the memories of man.” by Percy Bysshe Shelley.
https://avgle.tel/newlinksrun/YXBoNWMzM2FlNDI5MmU3NA==/pov-handjob-with-big-cumshot-on-sexy-natural-tits
Hello! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this site? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had issues with hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform. I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
Very interesting points you have remarked, appreciate it for putting up. “My work is a game, a very serious game.” by M. C. Escher.
Thanks for your tips. One thing really noticed is the fact banks and financial institutions are aware of the spending routines of consumers and also understand that a lot of people max away their real credit cards around the vacations. They correctly take advantage of that fact and then start flooding your inbox plus snail-mail box using hundreds of 0 APR credit card offers right after the holiday season ends. Knowing that if you are like 98% of American community, you’ll rush at the possiblity to consolidate credit debt and switch balances towards 0 apr interest rates credit cards.
There are some attention-grabbing closing dates on this article however I don’t know if I see all of them center to heart. There may be some validity but I’ll take hold opinion till I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we would like more! Added to FeedBurner as properly
Absolutely indited content material, Really enjoyed looking through.
Great post and right to the point. I don’t know if this is really the best place to ask but do you people have any ideea where to employ some professional writers? Thx 🙂
This site really has all of the info I needed concerning
this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
Hello, i feel that i noticed you visited my weblog so i came to “go back the choose”.I’m trying to find issues to improve my site!I assume its ok to use some of your ideas!!
My husband and i have been very happy that Michael could complete his investigations because of the precious recommendations he discovered from your weblog. It is now and again perplexing to just always be giving for free guides that other people may have been selling. And we all fully grasp we’ve got the writer to give thanks to for that. The type of illustrations you have made, the easy site navigation, the friendships you will help foster – it’s everything fabulous, and it’s really letting our son and us do think this issue is awesome, and that is very serious. Many thanks for the whole lot!
Thank you, I have just been looking for info about this topic for ages and yours is the best I have discovered so far. But, what about the bottom line? Are you sure about the source?
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your site. You have some really good posts and I believe I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please shoot me an email if interested. Many thanks!
This post is really a good one it helps new net people, who are wishing for blogging.
Heya i am for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and help others like you helped me.
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and extremely broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!
Utterly pent written content, appreciate it for selective information. “The earth was made round so we would not see too far down the road.” by Karen Blixen.