Disclaimer 1: Ladies, I know how I hate it when guys do this, but after today, I’m cutting my boy some slack. I’ll even give him Megan … but only with his hands cuffed firmly behind his back and chained to a really reeeaaallllly big pole with the zipper wired shut.

But then again, he can pick locks. Damn.

Disclaimer 2: Guys … move along, nothing to see her.

**rubbing hands** Now then.

My latest hobby is hating on Twilight.

Well, actually, it’s reading people hating on Twilight.

Let it be said that I have neither read the books nor watched the movies, but it is just soooooo fun reading the people that have.

Now, not to trivialise the matter. I have some serious concerns about Princess reading that Sparkly Vampire book and thinking it’s cool to have a quote-unquote controlling boyfriend that throws her through a glass table. I mean, we are raising a culture of women who think it’s cool and – goddammit – romantic[!!!] when men are abusive. How now?

[and, I note with much curiosity, that none of the haters say exactly how or why Vampire boy threw Swan girl through a table…]

[and, isn’t it so much more fun to actually write quote-unquote than to use the ” ” signs?]

[and, girls thinking it’s cool to love two boys who try to commit suicide coz they’ve lost her … er … noooo?!]

[and, I have no clue why, but the whole idea is just so erotic! I don’t mean the throwing of people through tables and such, but the whole idea of the girl being a  virgin until marriage, and then having a wedding night with a guy who could kill her, literally, in more ways than one … apparently his vampire strength could kill her human body during … you know … that one. Now, call me a pervert, but that brings a whole bunch of ideas into my head. I admit, I’m curious to read the wedding night scene…]

[and, I suppose I should give them props for making abstinence sexy. But they sorta cancelled that out by making male domination sexy too, yeah? And there’s that whole throwing glass tables thing…]

Anyway, go out and buy the books. Make the woman richer than JK Rowlings *wink* [then I can borrow your copy coz I just know I’ll be pissed off if I spend actual real money on this book…]

But all ranting done, I can only say this.

I have spent an entire afternoon looking at pictures that have put me firmly in Team Jacob. Forget the morals, forget the jail-bait factor [can you say cougar?!?!] forget the books, forget the movies, forget that he is dating Taylor Swift…

[Hang on … isn’t it a little weird dating somebody who shares your first name? I mean I know they could eventually share their last name … which is even more weird …]

[and, I’ve been reading this stuff all afternoon – why am I just noticing this now?]

[and, they met on a film shoot – how did the rest of the crew know which Taylor to call?]

[and, mustn’t nini-ing get a bit confusing with you both calling out the same … oh, never mind.]

Still … would you just look at him?! GOD!! Isn’t he just beautiful?!

Yes, those are all different pictures.

I have heard it said that his body is pretty much porn.

Does that make me a … wait … how old is he again?

Don’t worry Sailor, you’re still my Number 1. I wouldn’t do him or anything, I’m just drooling looking, honest.

Ooh ooh ooh … Edward on a stick.

And then, more Edward on a stick.

Do people ever actually click on the links?

Ooh ooh, so Bella Swan has made Wuthering Heights cool. Yeah, I knew that already, it’s only my favourite book of all time! I have three separate editions of it, that’s how much I love the book. Meh, maybe Swan girl ain’t so bad after all.

But wait … they’re going to make a movie about it starring an almost-teenage Heathcliff. Aw crud.

PS: My Life is NOT Twilight, as opposed to, you know, this.

Oh, there’s also a book about a succubus who works in a bookstore. By Richelle Mead.

Not Michelle Read.

He he he!

Edit

I’ve just watched the official New Moon trailer, and finally saw the glass table context. Hmph. New hateration: why did the bad vampire with the cool name have to be black and dreadlocked? No fair. I have effectively been cured of all desire to watch the movie, and m[l]ost interest in reading the book.

But still, Jake, my GOD, that child is SO beautiful!!