This week has been insane. It’s the third week of the year, and it feels like it’s gone on forever. I bumped into an Ex in town and ignored him – completely. I’d like to poof him off the face of the earth, but he did do one thing for me – he fathered my baby girl. For that, I am grateful. Beyond that, riswa!
A lot of emotions are prompted when I see or mention him. Usually, it’s murderous rage, and I felt that for some nanoseconds. But then I just walked past and went on with my day. It’s sad that people who made a baby can be like that, but ish happens, and I’m cool with it. Dirty water and bridges and *insert-appropriate-cliché*
I admit that I’m the *child* who doesn’t speak to her exes. Grown women have more sensible reactions, like torching their cars or pretending to be friendly.
*Real* women actually are friendly. In that sense, I’m only half real. I can have conversations with my other exes; conversations that involve genuine smiles and nutcrackers. To my other exes, I can actually be nice, though I do forget their birthdays. Mostly on purpose. But not this one. I’m not that grown up yet. I still want to hurt him and make him not exist. I still want him to just go away, poof, vamoose son of a…
When I got home, I thought about my latest ex, the one I’m not yet over. I wondered … if I saw him on the street, would I say hi? Would I pretend I hadn’t seen him? We haven’t talked in weeks, so I’m not sure what I’d do.
I don’t want to pretend. I like too much for that. So I did a stupid thing. I called him. I wanted him to come over. I thought we could just talk and clear things up. The trouble with this boy is he’s too easy to talk to. I end up telling him stuff I shouldn’t. Like how I almost called last night, but decided against the booty call. Instead, we talked on gmail.
[Yay for not calling, boo for the confession!]
So anyway, I talked, he listened, I ranted and threw tantrums, he stayed calm and gave advice. My eyes were red, my hanky was soaked, and I was glad he couldn’t see me. I wondered if he knew that I was crying. It was a pretty rough time for me, and I logged off mid-sentence. I just couldn’t take anymore.
I told him I wanted to lock my heart away and become an ice queen who doesn’t feel anything. I want a mask, so no one can see the real me. I want to smile with the world and learn surface talk so no one knows my heart. If they can’t see it, they can’t hurt it.
I pride myself in being real and genuine, but now, I want to play games like everyone else. I want to show them what I want them to see … instead of what I am. I want to keep them away completely. I went to bed deciding I had killed my feelings – for everyone – but I was glad we’d talked, because now, at least I can say hi on the street.
Today … and part of yesterday, I listened to Mike Dooley and laughed, because I’m full of crap. The audio gave me an exercise. It said to write three things I love about life, three things I love about myself, and three lessons I want to learn in life. Guess what was high on the list…
Stop being jealous and insecure.
…
If that doesn’t scream relationship, I don’t know what does. A heart like mine can’t be switched off. There’s way too much love in it. I can’t just chill the vibe. Besides, my blogging is based on TMI. Going ice queen would totally kill that. Crud.
I’m clearly still searching for my soulmate, even if I don’t believe it anymore, and as soon as I’m ready, I’ll find the one who makes my heart sing. Again. Until then, I’m a married lesbian. Period.
♫ Get out alive ♫ Three days grace ♫
why DID you break up with exMr3cb? He sounds 2good 2be true (‘I talked, he listened, I ranted and threw tantrums, he stayed calm and gave advice’) sigh. When I was mourning post-breakup, writing on my blog was cathartic. Hope the ranting helps… 🙂
Wasn’t my idea to break up. You can’t force someone to be with you when they don’t want to be. *shrug* I’m just glad he still lets me talk to him.
hmmm…i’m thinking you’re pretty ballsy, talking about it…i simply try to coax my mind into blocking out the memories, good or bad…you know, striving for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind 😉
@Nyambura Thanks. I don’t think it’s ballsy, I just have a big mouth and I don’t always know when I should shut it *cheeky grin* That works against me sometimes, but it’s the way I am, and I’m okay with that – mostly 😀
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