So a few weeks ago, my brother got some guys to repair my TV. Since then, I’ve had a few problems with it. Like, for example, it has a tendency to hang.

My brother has the same model of TV, so I asked him if he was having the same issue. He said no, and suggested I call the repair guy. Okay.

I requested a weekend appointment, since I’m at the office most weekdays. They called me after half an hour and gave me troubleshooting instructions, which I couldn’t follow since I wasn’t in the house at the time.

When I finally did get back to the house, I got a call from the repairmen, saying they were in the neighbourhood and asking if they could pass by. I was irritated because I had specifically asked them to come over the weekend. But I figured if I postponed their visit, they’d never come back, so I let them in.

The two men stood and stared at my TV for a few minutes, then asked me to explain exactly what the problem was. I did. They then unplugged the TV, re-plugged it, and announced that the problem was solved. I hmphed.

They asked why I was making such a dismissive sound. I said, ‘Well, I called you to fix my TV, you’ve barely touched it, and now you’re telling me it’s fine.

From that point on, I’m convinced the repair-men and I were having entirely separate conversations.

What they said:

Madam, huwezi sema hatujafanya kitu. We have fixed your TV.

What I heard:

clueless woman can’t tell we haven’t actually done anything. After all, we fiddled with the wires at the back.

My response:

You switched it off and on. I’ve been doing that for two weeks. That’s why I called you.

What they said:

Madam, this is a very good machine. And it’s brand new. Don’t ask for a replacement.

What I heard:

We gave you a bad machine. Don’t tell our bosses.

My response:

Who said anything about replacement? I just want you to fix the damn thing.

What they said:

Madam, the old machines were Cisco. They came under the old management. Now we have new management, so we use a new brand. You got a better deal.

What I heard:

Let’s confuse her with big words. After all, that lying video says liars use unnecessary detail in their fibs.

My response:

I’m not talking about Sisqo or Dru Hill or Microsoft. I just want it to work. And, again, who said anything about replacement?

What they said:

Madam, if you call after we leave and say the TV isn’t working, they will send you a substandard replacement. This is the best machine there is!

What I heard:

Don’t get us in trouble lady. We fucked up and we’re doing you a favour by giving you inside info.

My response:

So if the TV gets spolit after you leave, I should NOT tell the office?

What they said:

We didn’t say that. You see … the last time we came here, we found a man, and he said you were getting a HDMI TV. It works better with this model.

What I heard:

Stupid woman. We’re better off dealing with a man.

My response:

You want I should call the man for you? Because little old me can’t deal with big complicated words like HDMI ABCD.

What they said:

Hapana madam, sio vita. Tunasema tu …

I didn’t hear the rest of the statement beause I was trying to figure out which part of my statement was confrontational. Hadn’t I spoken in a calm, quiet voice, and even acted blonde for good measure. Plus, I don’t know what HDMI ABCD is.

My response:

Listen. That guy you met, he’s my brother. This is my house. If you would prefer to deal with him, then I’ll get him for you. Because this conversation simply does not make sense to little old me.

What they said:

Madam, that problem with your machine, it’s a very small problem. It’s not worth a replacement, especially a substandard replacement that will …

At that point I heard a knock so I excused myself in the middle of his sentence to go check on the door, then spent five minutes chatting with the new neighbour’s five-year-old. Rude, maybe. But she’s cute, and the repairmen were annoying.

When I got back, they resumed their arguments about HDMI and men and my TV being fine, but I wasn’t listening anymore. I guess they noticed I wasn’t bothered, because they changed tack. They started explaining all the additional benefits of this excellent piece of machinery. For example, I can record live TV. All I have to do is buy their special hard drive at 5,500 and …

What I heard:

Woman, shut up and give us your money. And while we’re at it, why are you so comfy on my couch. I don’t remember saying you could sit!

Eventually, the repairmen left my house and said if there was any problem, I should call their personal lines rather than calling head office. I said I would, and that I’d make sure the ‘man’ was there to deal with them. Then I called ‘the man’ and ranted for half an hour. Thank heavens for tall baby brothers.

I’m sure the repairmen went to their car grumbling about crazy feminists. And I suppose I did take every word they said personally. Here’s the thing though. Every time someone says … ‘As a black man/white man/single mum etc’ they get accused of being defensive and myopic.

But … if I am a black man, how else would I look at life? Would I see it through eyes of a blue cat? How can it be wrong to present my natural perspective?

Men often accuse women of demonising them during rape discussions. A part of me understands that as a man, it’s impossible to understand what rape means to a woman. And yet these men have no problem understanding rape when it concerns their mothers or daughters.

The men that do rape women know exactly what they’re doing to her body, mind, and spirit. The rapist may justify himself and make excuses, blame it on her clothes, or her drunkness, or her being alone at night, or her consent on prior occasions, or her having a vagina. But what he’s really doing is overpowering someone else’s will. It’s the main reason why they do it.

Whenever a man dismisses me, it targets the same region of my brain that is triggered by discussions on rape. To him, it’s about putting a woman in her place. To me, it’s about showing me that my space, my world, my decisions, my very point of view isn’t valid. All because I’m a woman.

And so, naturally, there’s a big part of me that gets upset when a man dismisses me. I bought that TV, but when said TV gets spoilt, I still need to call a man to fix it. And when I do, he dismisses my gender, even though I’m paying him to work on the TV.

And then … the only way to get said man to stop dismissing me is to get another man to deal with him on my behalf. All because he has a penis.

Look, I can be reasonable. I don’t mind men opening doors or paying for dates or leaving toilet seats up. But when I call you and pay you to do a job, can we please leave my vagina out of it?

I suppose – the TV repairmen couldn’t see me as anything but a difficult woman. And I couldn’t see them as anything but shifty chauvinists. One thing’s for sure. The next time my TV hangs, I’m letting the man deal with them. It’s easier for everyone.

♫ Burn ♫ Ellie Goulding ♫

Dear Marcus

I miss you. I don’t want to miss you, but I do. You engaged my mind long before you engaged my body. With you, I was a smart, pretty girl. I don’t often feel like I’m all three, and I miss that.

Dear Nate

You were so nice. So gentle and well-spoken while you tore my mind to shreds. And you showed me what it felt like to be f****d like a woman. It was oddly delicious.

It’s sad that someone could make my body feel so good and make my heart feel so bad. I still consider coming back sometimes. Plus … you taught me a few tricks that I still use by myself, so … thanks … I guess.

Dear Jacob

You’re so different from what I normally go for. From what I thought you were. I guess we’ve both grown, and we would have grown apart. I’m grateful for one thing though. You made me feel loved. You abandoned me, but while you were with me, you made me feel loved, and I’ll always adore you for that.

Dmitri,

You’re very good with your tongue. I guess that’s why you became a lawyer. Sadly, those skills didn’t do a lot for me, because I wasn’t what you were looking for. Same name, different girl. Oh well.

Dear Lee

I’ve never told you how pretty you are. So young. And so very pretty.

…

Dear Grandfather Man

I really am sorry. You said all the right things … but I could never be with someone who my daughter thinks is old.

Dear Tony

You ruined me for other men. I’ll probably never love with the innocence and trust I had when I first met you. You hardened me. And now they all think I’m way too butch. Oh well. At least I didn’t get your name tattooed. Phew!

Dear Zack

You were the exception that proved the rule. I swore I’d never be with someone like you. And now I know why, because I’ve lived it, and it was so much worse than I imagined. Three years later, it still hurts. I’m sure it hurts her more than it hurts me.

Dear Tino

Wow. Just … wow. I’m looking at the mother of your child, and I feel both sadness and relief. Sadness, because I finally understand why it was her and not me. Relief because the way you are now, I no longer want to be her. You look happy though. I’m glad that you’re happy. You brought me such joy, and you deserve to be happy.

Dear Wilson

You haven’t lost it. You’ve lost a lot of hair, but you haven’t lost it. You’re still that gorgeous little boy with that sly, assessing look that makes me blush.

 

I don’t know much about electronics. I rely on my baby brother for that. He lives five minutes away, is nine inches taller, thirty kilos heavier, built like a teddy bear, and gives the greatest hugs. So when he told me that my TV needed an upgrade I agreed.

I called the TV people to ask about it, and they said they had none in stock. I explained that they had recently upgraded my brother’s, and that he had asked me to call them. They said no, I must be mistaken, and that unless my TV was broken, they couldn’t help me. I offered to have my child break the TV then call them back, and they laughed it off before hanging up.

A few weeks before that, my brother needed to replace his remote control. When he went to the TV shop, they gave him a free upgrade instead. So naturally, when my remote went wonky, I wanted the same deal. The first technician I talked to offered to sell me a remote for 1,200, which I thought was excessive.

He took my number to deliver said remote but never called. So I found a second technician who rummaged in his kit lockers and gave me five dust-coated remotes to test, instructing me to bring back the ones that didn’t work. A few seconds later, he changed his mind and decided to come to my house and test the remotes himself.

I suppose I felt wary, and just a tad offended. So I joked – loud enough for his pals to hear – that my house was only five minutes away, and that I wouldn’t want to steal his remote control anyway. His TV maybe, but not his remote. It was my way of being safe, making sure everyone knew exactly where we were going.

Anyway, he ended up charging me 2K for a ‘new’ remote which looked older than my wonky one. When baby brother saw the new remote, he asked why I didn’t just get the upgrade. I told him they had refused, so he smiled and said, ‘Let me handle it.’ Two days later, the technicians were on their way to my house.

As it turns out, baby brother had told them exactly what time to show up, but they decided his timing wasn’t convenient. So instead of calling him, they called me and kicked up a fuss. They have pulled similar stunts before, so baby brother said, ‘If they call you, tell them to call me.’ So I said listen guys. Who have you been dealing with? Can you please call him and tell him what you just told me?

I don’t know how that discussion went, but when I got home from work, I had a brand new TV upgrade, though they did take away my 2K remote and its brand new Energizer batteries. (Those things cost money people!) They replaced my batteries with a generic pair that I suspect will die after two days. Time will tell.

As I admired my pretty new electronic thingies, I casually wondered why they had refused my upgrade request yet they accepted my brother’s. My daughter said, ‘Because he’s a man and you’re a woman.’ She’s 12.

I identify as a feminist, and I recognise that in many ways, this is a man’s world. I teach my child that she can do and be whatever she wants to be, and it saddens me that the world teaches her otherwise. I’m sad that she can already see how things work, that sometimes – many times – her desires, opinions, and space is considered less valid, simply because she is a woman.

I’m glad she learned another lesson though. She learned that even though there are men in the world who will belittle her for being a woman, there are other men who recognise that, and step in to help. It’s awesome that men like that exist. We’re honoured to have one in our lives. And I’m glad that as my baby grows up and defines her taste in men, her uncle will be a massive part of that template.

♫ No matta what ♫ Toya ♫