Naskia s’ku’izi tunaitwanga ma-odinari. Ai … lakini si hiyo ni jina ya tene kiasi … miaka ka’a ngovo hivi.

Dude, I am old.

No, I will not even pretend to attempt further. For me, speaking sheng’ means substituting Anglicized words for Swahili, adding -ing, and occasionally throwing in ‘authentic’ words like ashu, Kingoso, and anchwanimbee. It’s a number. Possibly 300.

But the main problem with being a baabi [is that even how it’s spelt? I refuse to believe it ignites from Barbie]… the main problem with being a baabi isn’t the language, it’s the taste.

It’s not so much that you call it a mat rather than a matatu [or worse, a ma-three!] It’s that you’d rather use the Smartbus, or drive. It’s not that you say 5 reds and 3 Gees instead of soo tano na ngiri. It’s that you have no problem spending said Gees on, oh, I don’t know, original DVDs?

Today my odinari-ness led to a rather interesting day. See, I am looking for three things. A windchime, an hourglass, and a digs for Agnes and Fluffer McKitty.

I love windchimes. They have this happy, happy jingling sound. I especially like the shiny metallic ones that clink like little silver bells. I’ve seen them in many different houses, but those were always gifts, so they have no clue where to buy them. I asked. Severally.

Oh, and Aggie and Fluffer are fish. Possibly goldfish.

What.

The problem wasn’t so much the finding of the windchimes. Well actually, yes, it was. But more than that was the look  I got every time I said the word windchime. Nobody knew what it meant, so I had to describe, in Swa. Mostly, broken Swa. With gestures.

Yes, my Swa is broken again. **grin**

Hizo vitu una-hang kwa roof alafu wind iki-blow zinapiga kelele.

One lady had a stall with chandeliers [on Tom Mboya! I’m still wondering who buys chandeliers out of a stall on Tom Mboya.] She looked at me like I’d lost my head – pretty much the same way I was looking at said lady, whose stall sells chandeliers! On Tom Mboya! Perhaps I should have just said ‘chandelier’. Just for effect.

Another lady asked if I was referring to a doorbell. An attendant at card centre stared at me blankly. No one had any suggestions on where I could get one.

So. Does anyone know where I can get an hourglass and windchimes? I’m easy on the home for Agnes…

♫ Closing time ♫ Semisonic ♫

So I finally watched Shuga…

There’s a bunch of things I like about it.

• I like that it shows more than it tells. There is so much information delivered subtly by the movements of the actors, and no pointless narration. A common [and extremely irritating] characteristic of some movies is the endless speeches. I like that in this film, the script is succinct. My props to the actors too for expressing emotion so well! Totally cool.
• I especially like that the characters don’t constantly call each other by name like in those Mexican soaps:

“Forgive me Orlando de la Monte Cristo, it was not my intention to harm you.”

“But you did harm me Maria de Almeida and I will never forgive you. Never!”

“But Orlando de la Monte Cristo, they made me do it! Please Orlando de la Monte Cristo, you must be-lieve me!

“No Maria de Almeida, I will never believe you!”

Or, more recently…

“Rose, you must live.”

“No, Jack, not without you.”

“Live Rose, you must live.”

“I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go”

Blah blah blah. I am so glad there was none of that in this movie.

• I like that the Christian crowd in it is cool. Christians are always portrayed as boring and prudish in movies, so it’s nice to see some actual real normal-type Christians.
• I like that the virgin girl is funky too. Again, girls like that are often portrayed as lost, prusidh and shady. Yet Valerie somehow made virginity look cool. Virginia, not so much.
• I like that the issues showed through without sounding preachy. That’s really rare. Most times when someone tries to do a movie or a song with a message, it ends up sounding annoying and dumb. Just try listening to the ‘Save the whales’ song by Simple Plan. I think it’s called Crazy, ironically. Now that right there is punk rock at it’s lowest. Tsk tsk.
• [For the record, j’adore Simple Plan, but something about that song is just wrong. No, everything about that song is wrong. Srsly!]
• The quality of production in Shuga is just brilliant!! The shots are beautiful, the soundtrack flows seamlessly, is totally mood-appropriate, and is neither overwhelming nor submerged. The editing is superb, the acting is natural, the sex scenes appear totally unforced and tasteful, the actor’s reactions are authentic, and there are very few corny lines. Nice!
• The wardrobe is superb! Did you see all those shoes?
• [With the one exception of the singing church-girl’s hair. That’s just wrong.]
• And why was everyone wearing those immensely annoying scarf thingies? What are they called again? Now I know I’m utterly a fashion misfit, but seriously, those things are just shady. Seriously.
• Yes, I am aware that nobody says  *cough* cough*shady*cough* anymore.
• That Leo is just soooooooooooooo pretty! Can anyone say Cougar?! YUM!!
• [He is no competition whatsoever to my beloved Sailor, but man, that Nicholas Mutuma (that’s his birth name) is hot! Rrrrrr. ]
• What. I like pretty boys. **cheeky grin**
• Still on the pretty boy, I like that they used the gorgeous one to be Mr Nice Guy for once, instead of the standard assexual dopey side-kick type nice guy.
• And I like that they had a boy feeling guilty about impulse sex. Usually it’s just the girls that do that. Maybe because we’re emotional and have more to lose.
• It’s interesting that I didn’t notice His Prettiness until close to the end of the movie. In the first scene where he was labelled ‘fly guy’ I was just like pfft. But then he turned on the nice and suddenly, zee aaaiiiiiiiz! I think the sweetness makes him more attractive. He probably wouldn’t be as yummy playing, say, Skola.
• Heeheehee Dr Roundhead Sheath.

The one thing I didn’t like about it was the artist placement. I mean I know big names sell, and it was perfectly ok to see DJ Adrian spinning in a club, and Antoneosoul and Valerie had active roles, so that was cool. But I really don’t see how Nonini, Nameless, and Jimmy Gait’s cameo appearances helped anything. I’m just saying.

Also … panty removers? Is that like a cocktail or something? I mean, I’ve heard of Archer’s Smirnoff Ice Panty droppers, but panty removers? Really?

I am so old.

Oh, the subtitles. Heh heh heh. Somebody needs to check the subtitles. Minister of Choomz, that’s all I’m saying.

Bring on the pretty jail-bait prey **rubbing hands** Those eyes! That smile!

Yep. Two separate pictures. God bless google images. *wrist on forehead*eyes shut*dramatic victorian swoon*sigh*

Ok, now that my silliness is done away with, I’m off to get tested. This movie has done good. Much good. Kudos and all that. Somebody please get these Vimeo Bomb people to make many, many, many more; they’re so much fun-ner than Bollywood.

I’m not entirely sure I liked this movie. One reason I sense this is because after using an entire gig of bandwidth streaming it, I watched all three episodes simultaneously [in mini-bites, pun intended] and after it was done buffering, I didn’t bother to replaying it to watch the smooth version.

A second reason is that apart from Nicholas ‘Leo the Pretty Boy’ Mutuma, I didn’t bother to check the credits.

I always check the credits.

I’m the chick in the movie hall that the sweepers hate coz I won’t leave till the screen goes completely blank.

So the fact that I didn’t bother with the credits means it didn’t impress me much.

This coming from a girl whose favourite book is Wuthering Heights, favourite movies are Minority Report, Kill Bill, Shawshank Redemption and Castaway, and who liked Wanted so much she watched it two times in a row. I got to the end, rewound it, and started again.

Yes, I did say rewound.

That said, there is a lot in Shuga that I liked. And, in case it isn’t clear yet, what I loved most was the acting. The scenes were all so real, and that was totally cool. The soundtrack was excellent too. And the pretty shoes. For that alone I say bow down.

♫ I’ve got a loaded gun [god?] complex, cock it and pull it ♫

♫ Sugar we’re going down ♫ Fallout boy ♫

Disclaimer 1: Ladies, I know how I hate it when guys do this, but after today, I’m cutting my boy some slack. I’ll even give him Megan … but only with his hands cuffed firmly behind his back and chained to a really reeeaaallllly big pole with the zipper wired shut.

But then again, he can pick locks. Damn.

Disclaimer 2: Guys … move along, nothing to see her.

**rubbing hands** Now then.

My latest hobby is hating on Twilight.

Well, actually, it’s reading people hating on Twilight.

Let it be said that I have neither read the books nor watched the movies, but it is just soooooo fun reading the people that have.

Now, not to trivialise the matter. I have some serious concerns about Princess reading that Sparkly Vampire book and thinking it’s cool to have a quote-unquote controlling boyfriend that throws her through a glass table. I mean, we are raising a culture of women who think it’s cool and – goddammit – romantic[!!!] when men are abusive. How now?

[and, I note with much curiosity, that none of the haters say exactly how or why Vampire boy threw Swan girl through a table…]

[and, isn’t it so much more fun to actually write quote-unquote than to use the ” ” signs?]

[and, girls thinking it’s cool to love two boys who try to commit suicide coz they’ve lost her … er … noooo?!]

[and, I have no clue why, but the whole idea is just so erotic! I don’t mean the throwing of people through tables and such, but the whole idea of the girl being a  virgin until marriage, and then having a wedding night with a guy who could kill her, literally, in more ways than one … apparently his vampire strength could kill her human body during … you know … that one. Now, call me a pervert, but that brings a whole bunch of ideas into my head. I admit, I’m curious to read the wedding night scene…]

[and, I suppose I should give them props for making abstinence sexy. But they sorta cancelled that out by making male domination sexy too, yeah? And there’s that whole throwing glass tables thing…]

Anyway, go out and buy the books. Make the woman richer than JK Rowlings *wink* [then I can borrow your copy coz I just know I’ll be pissed off if I spend actual real money on this book…]

But all ranting done, I can only say this.

I have spent an entire afternoon looking at pictures that have put me firmly in Team Jacob. Forget the morals, forget the jail-bait factor [can you say cougar?!?!] forget the books, forget the movies, forget that he is dating Taylor Swift…

[Hang on … isn’t it a little weird dating somebody who shares your first name? I mean I know they could eventually share their last name … which is even more weird …]

[and, I’ve been reading this stuff all afternoon – why am I just noticing this now?]

[and, they met on a film shoot – how did the rest of the crew know which Taylor to call?]

[and, mustn’t nini-ing get a bit confusing with you both calling out the same … oh, never mind.]

Still … would you just look at him?! GOD!! Isn’t he just beautiful?!

Yes, those are all different pictures.

I have heard it said that his body is pretty much porn.

Does that make me a … wait … how old is he again?

Don’t worry Sailor, you’re still my Number 1. I wouldn’t do him or anything, I’m just drooling looking, honest.

Ooh ooh ooh … Edward on a stick.

And then, more Edward on a stick.

Do people ever actually click on the links?

Ooh ooh, so Bella Swan has made Wuthering Heights cool. Yeah, I knew that already, it’s only my favourite book of all time! I have three separate editions of it, that’s how much I love the book. Meh, maybe Swan girl ain’t so bad after all.

But wait … they’re going to make a movie about it starring an almost-teenage Heathcliff. Aw crud.

PS: My Life is NOT Twilight, as opposed to, you know, this.

Oh, there’s also a book about a succubus who works in a bookstore. By Richelle Mead.

Not Michelle Read.

He he he!

Edit

I’ve just watched the official New Moon trailer, and finally saw the glass table context. Hmph. New hateration: why did the bad vampire with the cool name have to be black and dreadlocked? No fair. I have effectively been cured of all desire to watch the movie, and m[l]ost interest in reading the book.

But still, Jake, my GOD, that child is SO beautiful!!