I recently started a new job, and as part of the induction ceremony, we’re routinely required to take tequila shots. Here’s how it works. For as long as the office feels that you’re a n00b, you’re required to take two tequila shots on demand. The moment I heard the rule, I went online to find the side effects. For the first time ever, Google offered no help at all.

I had my first random shots last Friday. It was 6.00 p.m. and I was peacefully sitting at my desk when the lovely lady at HR yelled my name. Of course I made a big deal about it, telling them I don’t drink and that I don’t handle alcohol well. They weren’t buying it. So I sneered at the drink for a few seconds, then downed it. The first shot went down quietly. The second one elicited a few coughs.

I could see everyone keenly watching me, and suggested I should stand on the spot for a few seconds, just in case I rolled over and died. Once I felt confident enough to move, I inched towards the door very slowly. I was careful to take tiny sideways steps, and was relieved when our Finance Manager pointed and said, ‘The exit is that way.” I’m still not sure it’s the direction I was walking in.

Later, the Finance Manager found me in the kitchen washing my water bottle. He suggested I drink some [water] to dilute the tequila effect. Since I wasn’t actually feeling anything at the time, I figured it would save me a hangover, so I did. Note to self: Do not drink water immediately after tequila. It doesn’t dilute it – it makes it worse. I wasn’t feeling anything before, but five seconds after swallowing the liquid., I felt giggly, dizzy, and had a compulsive urge to make inappropriate phone calls. Aw crud.

About half an hour ago, I was called for my second random shot. It was just after a 3 hour induction session with my MD, and everyone gathered round to witness the event. We had some warm words, shared a nice speech, and then it was bottoms up. A client topped up our glasses with something called Olmega, I think. It tasted a lot sweeter than tequila.

Since I clearly didn’t learn my lesson the first time, I chased the shots with half a litre of water. Then I went onto the rooftop and made a phone call. It went considerably well, although I was walking around in what I can only assume was a straight line. I had hoped to enjoy the view, but the rooftop doors were locked, which I can only imagine is a good thing, considering the percentage of alcohol in my system.

After the phone call, which made both me and my callee very happy, I settled at my desk to let the dizziness fade away. I spoke to some workmates and brainstormed on an upcoming studio session. At one point, I pulled my office desk-mate aside and asked if I was talking too loud, because my voice was thundering in my ears. She smiled and said, ‘Actually, you’re whispering.’

Other than that, I feel fine. Except I just tried to add 7 + 5 and drew a blank. Also, I keep wanting to dial numbers that I have no business dialing. Lesson of the day – drink the water before the shots, not after, especially if you’re taking it neat. Also, that salt shaker next to the glasses? Use it. It’s not for decoration. Now to put on my earphones and take a quick stroll home. I’ll try not to fall asleep in the matatu. Stay safe all, and don’t drink and drive *grin*

♫ Closing time ♫ Sub-sonic ♫