There are different kinds of depression and the kind that I have shows up every few months. I mostly have it handled thanks to nine months of CBT, but it’s never really going to be gone. Coping mechanisms are a bit like a comprehensive tool kit. I can pull out whichever gadget I need and use it to repair my squeaky mental and emotional furniture. It makes life a lot easier, especially for control freaks like me.
You would assume that love can fix depression. After all, those chemicals and pheromones and endorphins release feelings that are the exact opposite of depression, no? Well, yes … sometimes. But the chemistry of being in love doesn’t last very long, and the tamer cushion of companionate love isn’t nearly as exciting.
Another downside of companionate love … i.e. the chill, relaxed, comfortable affection between friends, siblings, room-mates, or even long-term couples … is that it often – subconsciously – works against depression. Your companion is around you all the time, and so you end up hiding the depression from them – or trying to – because you don’t want to be a burden to them.
And even if they’re willing to listen, you worry that they will get tired of dragging you out of the depths. And some of them eventually do. Until then though, it can be helpful to have someone sharing the path with you.
The thing about finding a safe partner is you don’t know you’ve found one until you find one. And even then, you don’t know how long they’ll stay. As long as they are in your life, they are a resource and they can enrich your experience and help you become a better you. If you are lucky enough to find someone like this, don’t shut them out. Depression is a demon you can’t really destroy on your own, and if there’s someone in your life that wants to help, the least you can do is let them 🙂
The thing with clinical depression is it can be cyclic. You handle it, it comes back, you handle it again, it comes back again … it can seem never-ending. Sometimes you want to stop the constant fight and just give up. And that thought can be tempting.
Some people do give up, and then they kill themselves. Literally. The world calls them cowards. It says they are selfish, that they didn’t think about anyone else. I’ve been there, so when I find someone that attempted – and completed suicide, all I feel is sad. Sad that they got to that point. Sad that they felt there was no other option. Because there is always another option. Things is though … even when you know there are options, suicide can feel like the best choice. It’s not, but it can feel like it is.
And … it’s never part of the plan. No one with depression intends to give up. They don’t want to be the way they are, to feel the way they feel … to not feel anything at all. It’s not part of the plan. So don’t try to shock them out of it, or bully them out of it, or cheer them out of it, because that’s like saying they want to be how they are, and that you can somehow get them to want something different.
So … what can you do? This video has a few suggestions. For me, well, I’m in a low cycle right now. I’ve been here before, and I know it will pass. I was in therapy for most of last year, and I learned a lot of coping skills. So, in my case, I don’t want anyone to do anything except let me be, let me deal with it my way.
When you’re in a depressive cycle, you can feel like a burden. At least, that’s how it is for me. So I isolate and fight my demons on my own. But … depression is different for everyone. Some people want to be left alone to deal. Some people need others around, so they can feel wanted and needed and loved. I guess … I guess you know your loved one best and you can tell what they need from you. So … give them what they need, and let them know they’re loved.
J.K.Rowling has experienced depression, and she based her dementors on it. In the Harry Potter series, dementors can only be defeated by a patronus – an embodiment of the victim’s most positive influences and emotions. Patronuses (patroni?) are usually in the form of an an animal. How the animal is chosen isn’t clear, but it’s the animal that the person is most affilated to. Kind of like their spirit animal I guess.
I have a feeling mine would be a goldfish.
In other cases, the patronus is the person you love, or your mentor, the one you most want to be like. Hence Harry’s was his dad, Tonks and Lily’s were their husbands, Snape’s was Lily and etc and etc. I don’t know how to get a real life patronus (I might settle for a tattoo), but I did make an interesting observation. Depression attacks when enough is not enough. When all the good things in your life get skewed and suddenly nothing you say, do, or are is enough.
So, right now, I’m feeling not enough. But tomorrow is a new day – possibly with a new tattoo, and this ish shall pass. Because it always does. If you’re in the same blue space I’m in, or if you know someone who is, all I can say is don’t give up. Fight those fucking dementors. Don’t let them steal your soul. It may not seem that way, but there are other options, and it will get better. Take it from someone who knows.
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PS: I’ve been reading up on patronuses. In the book, you conjure it by focusing really hard on a very happy memory. Summoning your patronus is hardest when you most need it, because a patronus is used to scare away a dementor, which is this dark, frightening creature that feeds off your happiness and strengthens your negative emotions in the process. Then, when you’re too weak to fight anymore, it steals your soul. So imagine trying to consciously focus on your best moments while graphically reliving your worst memory. It’s virtually impossible, and that’s what depression is.
In Harry Potter, Harry thought he was weak because dementors seemed to constantly attack him. He felt flawed and blamed himself. It wasn’t until much later that Dumbledore (or maybe McGonagal) explained the truth to him. The dementors didn’t attack him because he was weak. They attacked him because they breed in fear, pain, hurt, negative energy. Harry had experienced so much evil in his life that the good vibes he had left were like a dementor bat signal.
Depression is exactly like that, and that’s why J.K.Rowling used it as source material for dementors. When you’re lowest and darkest, when it’s hardest to find positive vibes and good feelings – that’s when you need them the most. When you’re severely depressed, you don’t think you’ll ever get better. You don’t have the will to try.
And yet … you must. You have to find the spirit to call your good fairies, your happy moments, because if you don’t, you will die by the dementor’s kiss … quite possibly at your own hand. It’s when you least want to fight back that you most need to try. After everything he’d been through, it was a miracle that Harry thrived. His experiences didn’t single him out as weak. His survival showed that he was strong.
In the same way, having depression doesn’t mean you’re weak. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nobody quite knows the cause of depression. Theory suggests it’s a combination of misfiring brain chemistry and misdirected empathy. You could be depressed because certain chemicals are missing from your brain, and because your personality and biology makes you feel things more strongly, experience things more keenly, and therefore be more affected by negatives events and ‘bad energy’. I suspect that’s why so many artists and creative types are susceptible.
These innate artistic qualities, like the ability to observe mundane things, find the riches in them, and translate them in ways that touch other people’s souls – it’s what makes you a good writer, dancer, painter, designer, curator, cinematographer.
And it’s what makes you a target for the dementors of depression. You are not weak. You are powerful and beautiful and strong. And knowing that could be the perfect starting point for calling out your patronus. I’ve just discovered mine. I hope you can find yours so we can overcome depression. Remember, you’re not fighting it alone.
I love word-play, so – in my mind – that line *pointing* has six different meanings. Like, for example, Asshole. Demisexual. Masturbation. Eminem. Cocktail. Sex toy.
For now, let’s focus on the most obvious definition – that (other people’s) feelings don’t matter. I know someone who thinks political correctness is stupid. In his opinion, if we can’t discuss things, we can’t fix them. So, if nothing is taboo, then nothing is a problem. People should be allowed to say whatever they want to say.
‘But … what if it hurts somebody’s feelings?’
‘They’re just feelings.’
I didn’t quite agree with his assessment. At least, not at first. But then I gave it some thought. Feelings are a powerful thing. But at the end of the day, they’re just feelings. They’re not broken bones or life-giving elixir. They’re just … feelings.
I was in therapy for almost a year, and I learned something similar. There’s nothing wrong with feelings in themselves. The real challenge is what you do with said feelings. How you respond to them, how they affect your actions.
Feeling like a cow doesn’t give you milk.
Feeling like shit doesn’t make you smell.
But … feeling like a cow can leave you open to bullshit.
Here’s a more concrete example, depression isn’t about feeling low. It’s about how you react to the lowness, both consciously and sub-consciously. That’s why in some people, depression manifests as substance abuse, or isolation … or even suicide.
I don’t think it’s okay to hurt somebody’s feelings on purpose. But … I find the idea of ‘just feelings’ liberating. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel bad, or mean, or even suicidal. I can’t really control my feelings , but I control what I can do about them.
I can’t switch my feelings on and off, but they can’t manipulate me either. Just because I want to shoot my ex doesn’t mean I have to. And, it turns out, feelings can’t buy a gun and shoot him for me either. Only I can do that, and only I can stop it.
I can drug or drink myself into oblivion. I can deflect and focus on something else. I can vent in a way that doesn’t hurt (myself or) anyone (else). I can talk to someone about it. I can suppress them until they explode. I can sit still and do nothing at all. I can express them with passion and destruction, or pretend they aren’t to start with.
I have all these options, some better than others. But I do have them, these choices. I can do whatever I want, whatever suits me best, whatever does the most – or least damage. I can deal with my emotions. After all, they’re just feelings.
The biggest thing I took from therapy is this – there are always options. If you can’t see them right now, give it time. It has a way of opening your mind, your heart, and your spirit to new inspiring paths. You’ll find a way out. And it doesn’t have to lead you straight to hell. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Also, unrelated, f*ck periods.
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