3CB

One of my favourite writers once described a horse-riding lesson in Egypt. He says the teacher told him to, ‘ride the horse like you would [ride] a woman.’ So let me just start by saying that riding a horse is nothing like riding a man. Unless of course I’m doing it wrong.

My princess was born on my 21st birthday, and every year, we like to do something special together. So when we found a Rupu Deal for horse-riding lessons, it seemed like the perfect way to spend our born-day. We also had a henna date, some shopping, and some KFC, but that’s another story.

The horse-riding place is somewhere in Karen, near Tangaza College, and there were 10 or 12 of us that session. My horse’s name was Capital City, while princess had a horse named Blaze. I asked the horse-handler if the horses were girls or boys. He said both. So I asked him about mine. He giggled, gave me an odd look, glanced beneath the horse, and said, ‘boy’. Okay then.

As it turns out, Capital (pronounced Kaptoo – I kid you not) is a tad … shall we say … feisty. He was being ridden by a … lighter rider with … longer hair. But she objected, so we switched. Two, no matter what anybody tells you, climbing a horse is not like the movies.

In westerns, the rider either springs up effortlessly, or is lifted in a pseuodo-sexy-hand-on-rump way by some gorgeous cowboy type. In my case, it took three guys to get me onto the horse, and I was so focused on huffing and puffing that I really can’t tell where their hands were.

After four attempts, I finally mounted, and looked over to see my baby girl comfortably astride her own horse and looking anything but fettered. Well, her horse was shorter. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Three, horses are not as they appear on TV. They’re a lot bigger, and not nearly as pretty.

When I finally got on, Kaptoo tried to nudge me off. The horse-handlers asked him to behave. (Actually, they said ‘Kaptoo, acha ujinga!’) When I asked what was wrong, they told me Kaptoo likes to test his riders, to see if they have the … balls … to ride him. Apparently, his first rider didn’t, hence the exchange. Me? I was petrified!

After a short while, Kaptoo’s handlers decided that I had passed the test, and congratulated me for not letting the horse bully me off his back. I smiled but kept my mouth shut, for fear that if I opened it, I might squeal. I did let out a few sounds, eventually, but somehow, all I could think to say was, ‘Whoa’, which everyone assumed was me using horse-speak. Yeah, that wasn’t it.

The first part of the lesson was how to … um … ride. We were asked to keep our backs straight, and to match the rhythm of the horse. Up – down – up – down – up – down. Yeah, okay. I tried to set the pattern, but ended up bouncing like an over-sized ball. Not fun. My baby was giggling like she was born in a saddle, and I was looking at my watch to see how long before they’d let me off the thing.

The horse handler laughed and told me to set my feet straight. ‘Wacha kukanyaga kama brake. It’s a horse, not a sports car.’ Thanks, very helpful. After four circuits, I finally got the up-down right and Kaptoo decided to stop bullying me. The horse handlers let us run a little bit faster, at which point I realized that I should have worn a sports bra. Male riders may be worried about their family jewels, but I clearly had … other problems. The horse handlers didn’t mind much, but I was sore in places no girl should be sore.

After running around the track, we were taken on a nature ride, by streams and trees and whatnot. Kaptoo seemed calm enough, but he kept trying to ride into the bushes when his handler wasn’t looking. I distracted myself by listening to one of my fellow students. He was telling the girl behind him he was every woman’s dream, a man on  shiny white horse. Hehehe. Gotta love the British sense of humour.

I also noted that horses move  their … hair … out of the way whenever they … use the bathroom. Who’da thunk? Anyway, by the time my hour was done, my horse handler was claiming I had ‘a knack’ for horses, and that once I got used to them, I’d never want to get off. Me, I think I prefer my rides to be mechanical. At least cars and bikes don’t have mood swings.

Horse-riding wasn’t what I expected it to be. But I’m glad I got to tick it off my bucket list. And since my little princess liked it so much, I expect I’ll find myself back on Kaptoo sooner than later. Maybe next time, he won’t keep trying to throw me into a bush.

♫ Shut up and drive ♫ Rihanna ♫

Guys don’t do phone calls, generally, or so they say. They’re practical and functional, so they wouldn’t call you just to say hello. Still, they have no problem calling while they’re pursuing you, so if the guy you’re sleeping with never calls or texts you (and you’re not already married to him), it probably means he’s not that into you, yes?

So I was ‘dating’ this guy once. Well, I thought I was dating him. He, on the other hand, was convinced that we were friends with yummy benefits. It’s a classic case of cross-purposes. I assumed that since we hang out every day, get along wonderfully, and talk about everything from money to shoes, we were ‘together’.

When he’d leave after a particularly good night and disappear for days, not taking calls or answering texts, I assumed he was naturally moody as well as shy. And when I asked about it, he said he needed space so he could stay objective. I soon realised that the more awesome the night, the longer he’d stay away, so maybe he was just really, really tired. Plus we were both on the rebound, so we were padding softly-softly around the matter. After all, we were consoling each other when we ended up together in the first place.

One night we’re talking, and he tells me about this girl he met at the club a few nights before. Incidentally, I was waiting for him on said night, and he was pulling the famous ‘tweeting but not replying texts’ move. The tweets suggested he was at a club surrounded by gorgeous babes.

In the end I got the hint, gave up waiting, and went to bed. A few days later, he said: ‘We need to talk,’ so I asked him over for  a cup of tea. He said the girl he met was pretty, smart, and charming. She spent all night buying him drinks, and he accepted, smiled, and played the gentleman. At the end of the night, he drove the girl home, and as he dropped her off, she said:

“She’s a really lucky girl.”

“Huh?”

“Your girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Oh.”

Of course I was blushing at that point, having jumped to the ridiculous conclusion that he was into me, and that was why he hadn’t hit on the girl. But he goes on with his story, wondering why the girl assumed he had a girlfriend. I told him if a hot girl buys you drinks all night and you don’t respond, she assumes you have a girl.

Or that you might be gay. And yes, I know that’s a double standard. Guys buy drinks for girls all the time, and it’s perfectly acceptable for the girl to take the drinks and ignore the interest. There’s no reason why it should be different when the roles are reversed. And yet … it is.

He remained puzzled, insisting that she hadn’t flirted with him all night, and that he had no idea she was interested. I asked why he wasn’t interested, and he said he had no clue. He said it wasn’t necessarily that he wasn’t interested. He just hadn’t known how to talk to her, or what to do. Oh, then he said our arrangement had to end. He wanted benefits from other people. I’m guessing she was included on the list.

I’ve always assumed that some boys are naturally shy, and that when you meet a boy like that, you need to help him out a little, give him a subtle nudge in the right direction. In my case, the nudge would come a little more overtly – I’d walk up to the guy and ask him out. I always wondered why he’d respond by smiling nervously, backing away, and avoiding me for the foreseeable future.

My friend didn’t articulate his problems in those exact terms, but I think maybe the girl buying him drinks got him intimidated. He wasn’t in control of the situation, and that made him lose interest. It made him self conscious, dented his ego, and messed with his confidence. But then again, he didn’t quite say how that saga ended, so it’s possible he got over it eventually.

It seems a man does need encouragement to actively pursue a girl, but the appropriate signal is to smile when you catch him watching you, or maybe flirt a little, lower your eyes, touch your neck, or toss your … um … hair. In the past I thought such moves were utterly silly. I mean, if you want the boy, just go over there and get him! But it only pushes them away.

I do seem to attract the wrong kind of guy, and it’s enough to make me give up on the male species entirely. Still, if you look at it statistically, there are 7 billion people in the world, and at least 3 billion are men. So If I meet, say 25 guys and they all don’t work out, that still leaves 2,999,975 options, though if you’ve been with 25 guys, they’ll probably have other names for you than just ‘girl’.

Speaking of girls and shy boys, I read an article a while back that made me smile. It’s called Never Date a Writer. It starts out like he’s whining that his ex wrote all the intimate details of their relationship, but ends up being his side of the story, the side she didn’t know, because he didn’t tell her. It made me sad, because a lot of pain comes from misunderstandings, assumptions, and things left unsaid, but it also made me mad because everything would work out if people would just say what they were thinking.

As a writer, a lot of my friends and loved ones get upset with me. They say I expose them to the public through my stories. I never intend to hurt anyone, and I try to protect their privacy, but they don’t always see it that way. I won’t really apologize, because this is who I am, and I guess anyone that wants to be with me has to be willing to take that risk. It’s an unfair thing to ask, but then again, love makes a lot unfair demands.

I suppose it’s all in how you look at it. Take, for example, Taylor Swift. She’s known for writing songs about her love life. In one particular song, Forever and Always, she talks about how her ex broke up with her in 27 seconds. On her phone. My knee-jerk reaction was to call him an asshole. But I know I’ve done break-up texts. Twice. They had both refused to see me, take my calls or spend time with me for weeks. When I asked why, they both said they had a lot going on, (okay, one added that he’s not good at communicating, not even with his mother.) So I figured they were busy and gave them one less thing to do. I think the third break up was via email – I was tired of giving that pretty boy money.

I’ve also told someone that I would always love them, then walked away, and I often ask myself if my words had any merit. My only conclusion is that I meant it when I said it, but that sometimes, meaning what you say is not enough. Plus, in the case of Taylor’s song, the ex was Joe Jonas, who seems to be a really nice guy, and not a jerk at all. Still, I guess even nice guys do dumb things. Some interviews say he was flattered by the song, others say that he was deeply hurt. So maybe it depends on whose side you’re on. Also, is it wrong that I can’t tell Taylor Swift from Carrie Underwood?

Anyway, what’s a girl to do if she likes a shy boy? Be patient. Wait for him to gather his courage. Or let it go and find someone who’s  a little less reticent. Also, my favourite ex has a mantra: ‘The problem with relationship advice about men is that it’s all written by women.” So hey, don’t listen to me. What the hell do I know about the male psyche?

♫ Teardrops on my guitar ♫ Taylor Swift ♫

Being of the TMI persuasion, I find statements like this quite intriguing. For the longest time, I’ve had this theory that people hold a certain image of me, and that once they meet me and realize I’m not that way at all, they run away. It surprises me that anyone would get the wrong idea about me, since my life is – quite literally – an open blog. But then again, what you say (or write or tweet) isn’t always what people hear.

There have been countless articles about why male-female relationships are so messed up. Most of them blame feminism and gender equality. They say women have taken over male roles, so the guys don’t know what to do with themselves. They say a girl earns money, pays bills, and raises children on her own, so a part of her feels she doesn’t need a man, even though her woman-parts often crave one.

As for the girls, we often get upset by the double standards. A woman today can do pretty much anything a guy can, but she gets victimized for trying. She can drink and drive with the best of them, but when she ‘acts like a man’ she’s considered a slut. A girl that asks a guy out is labelled desperate. One that shows sexual intent is labelled loose.

Meanwhile, the guy says he feels emasculated by these ‘independent women’. They say no matter how modern and self-reliant you are, the best way to get a guy is to go back to your roots, hide your brilliance, humble yourself, lie about your salary. They say a man loves a woman of mystery, a girl he can’t quite figure out, a girl that plays hard to get but knows the thin line between modesty and impossible achievements, because if you’re too unattainable, they give up and chase something they’re more likely to catch.

They say a man loves to chase, and that you’ve got to give him something to run after. Make it too easy and he’ll go hunting for fresh meat. This suggests that no matter how good you are to chase, once he catches you, he’ll just get up and go chase something else. Unless, of course, you have some secret trick or magic potion to keep him running forever. For example, if he feels like he constantly has to ‘earn’ your affection, he’ll be chasing you for years. Or maybe he’ll get frustrated and find someone more appreciative.

I know a girl who even after 12 years of marriage never ever calls or texts her man because ‘a man likes to chase’. She loves him, but maintains an almost aloof demeanour, just to keep him on his toes. He can’t figure her out, and doesn’t know quite what she’s about, which keeps her attractive in his eyes. So in theory, if you can just keep a guy guessing, even after being his wife for 15 years and bearing six of his kids, he’ll be too excited and pre-occupied to chase anything else.

I guess my real question is … how do you keep them chasing? You’d have to live in a way that keeps him constantly curious, especially when there’s absolutely nothing to be curious about. You have to seem to be hiding ‘stuff’ even when there’s nothing there to hide. And you have to do it in a way that makes you alluring, as opposed to – you know – him wondering what you’re scheming behind his back. You basically keep up the early parts of the dating game throughout your relationship, which – incidentally – is what every wife wishes her man would do.

That sounds like an awful lot of work to me, which is probably why guys get upset when we ask them to do it. It makes sense in theory though, because once you’ve been together for a while, you know everything about each other and the mystery is gone. Some people claim you start to look alike, and to see each other as siblings rather than lovers. Then unless his character just won’t let him cheat, he can use familiarity and boredom as an excuse to chase some nubile young thing.

I suppose some things will never really change. Women, no matter how modern and independent they are, will want a man to take care of them and protect them. Guys, no matter how intelligent and refined they are, will want a girl of mystery they can chase. And relationships will always be made through sheer hard work, and will only succeed if both parties have the same goals for the union, put in a vast amount of effort, and agree to work things out no matter [who or] what gets in their way.

♫ Amazing ♫ Blue October ♫