It’s been a pretty interesting month for me, and I’ve had a lot of firsts. If I was the anniversary type, I’d get an awful lot of cards next year. Luckily for me, I only remember birthdays, so yeah *sheepish grin*
I lost two special people this month. The pain was so bad I couldn’t make myself cry. Then I found one special person, and sometimes, when I think about it, it makes me want to cry too. I guess that’s pretty weird.
For part of October and most of November, I’ve had a bad case of depression. It shook me to my core, and I did some pretty crazy things. It affected my work and my baby, and I even took some tranquilizers. Also, pink-slash-yellow tablets.
[Random trivia: Did you know you can get high and/or black out on cough medicine? It’s all about proportion.]
I’ve been reading up on depression, and was amazed to realize a few things. Like, for example, there’s no such thing as ‘the real me’ because my shape is constantly changing. And, more importantly, when you’re a person that’s depressive, ‘the real you’ is grossly distorted. It’s just that you get really good at convincing people, and they start to see the ‘real you’ in the way that you describe it. That scares people.
I’m dealing with some heavy ish right now, and I’ve had someone come into my life. He hasn’t been around very long, so his image is untainted. He doesn’t see me as I see me. He sees me as I am. And when I look at myself that way, through his eyes, I feel loved and beautiful. I’ve trained myself to see my faults, but he looks at me unclouded. He points out things I never knew, and when I think about it, I’m like ‘Duh! How did I not notice that?’ It’s beautiful.
I’m glad h came into my life when he did, when I needed him most. There are lots of people who love me, and I value each one. But they’ve known me too long. They’ve heard all the lies I can tell, and they believe them because I believe them. It’s amazing how much you can change when you just shift your perspective.
So today I say thank you to the-one-who-knows-himself, and I’m glad I went as low as I could go, because if I hadn’t, I may not have bounced back. I bless him a thousand times, and I hope he never goes away.
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