My child and my man are both sanguine, which means one constantly tells jokes to get me to smile, and the other asks, ‘Mummy, why are you so sad?’ three or four times I week. I love my two darlings, and I don’t want it to be their job to cheer me up. When you’re a happy person, and you’re near someone that’s always sad, sooner or later you’ll go away, and I don’t want them to go away.

I have launched Project Happyface as my first step to keeping my loved ones happy and beating my lifelong depression. The idea is to find little things to keep me smiling, so that my two big things don’t get tired of their low paying job.

Mr 3CB is frustrated because I start each day positive, then some little thing goes wrong and I launch into, ‘I’ll never get this right!’ He says I shouldn’t give up each time I slip, because this ish takes practice. I’m trying hard to listen.

This morning looked fabulous. I’ve just finished a big project, and was armed with a to-do list. I was buzzed and ready to attack the day. But then I got bad news and email, and the more bad news on Twitter. The little one was in school and the big one was at work, so I had to handle things myself. I tried to cheer up, but I couldn’t find the energy, so I went to the kitchen instead.

I’m heading for my ideal weight of 60 kilos, so I often ask why I’m eating. Thanks to Dr Phil, the voice in my head asked if I was really hungry or just eating for comfort. Luckily, there are no cookies in my house, and all I could find was leftover rice and cabbage. I made a jug or brown uji to sort my sugar fix and sat down to eat while watching … Dr Phil. What. It was either that or Catalina and Sebastian .

There was this lady on the show who was downright bitchy. When I meet women like that, I wonder what their men see in them. I mean, how can a man love a girl that’s so awful? The kind of girl who says stuff like, ‘Get off me. If you want TLC, then go hug the dog!’

Please note I have trouble dealing with women. They’re really scary, and I’m really judgemental. Also, I’m kind of … well .. I’m more like a guy, except with a uterus, double dees, purple hair, and a tendency to cry during movies and mushy adverts.

Anyway, as I was watching, Dr Phil said something about hiding behind judgement and I had my eureka moment. I have a negativity radar! When I see people, the first thing I notice is their badness. I unconsciously overlook all their good qualities and zone in on their big hooked nose. My radar beeps loudest at traits like manipulation, dishonesty, and malice. Also, it’s especially triggered by bad things that I know reside in me. Lots of times, I say, ‘Oh, she’s so xyz,’ only for someone to say, ‘Yes, but so are you?!’

Love of course does the exact opposite, so  The One will see all your good points and let them eclipse your downside. That’s how all the crazy vamp ladies get husbands. Either that or they’re really good with love potions.

Anyway, by the time I was through with lunch and overthinking, I was sufficiently distracted to forget I was upset, so I came back to my desk and continued the list. I guess distraction is a good way to deal with depression. Instead of struggling to cheer up, I can just look away for a bit and find my happyface again. Now this is a plan I can work with.

♫ I don’t know anybody else ♫ Black Box ♫