Posted on by crystal · 112 Comments

Inception and Alejandro

First, Alejandro. I don’t much care for [or against] Lady Gaga. She has no effect on me. Her songs are pretty catchy, and that video she did with Beyoncé left me disturbed for days, but beyond that, I have no opinion.

So when I heard there was this new video called Alejandro, I was like yeah, ok. For the next few days, anytime I saw something vaguely weird on TV, I’d ask if it was Alejandro. I’d heard the video described as pornographic, so I was wary…

Yesterday, I bumped into it on Kiss TV. At first I saw  a set that looked like Go West by Pet Shop Boys meets Equilibrium, except it was in black and white. The dancers looked pretty gay, and there was a mouth that looked a lot like Madonna’s. Then I heard some weird monologue and saw what looked like a nun in red leather-slash-spandex. Ooookaaaaaaay.

The tune of the song is pretty catchy, so even as I watched the video, I kept singing ♫ Ale-Ale-jandro-Ale-Ale-jandro ♫ I couldn’t figure out what the song was about, because in the chorus, she mentions three or four different guys’ names, so unless the dude in the funny hat is called Alejandro Fernando Roberto Ricardo, then that’s some really bad rhyming.

I don’t know why there was a red nun in a coffin, or why she was swallowing a crucifix, or why the other nun was being ravaged by gay guys in Beatles wigs, or even why skinny people in tan underwear were dry humping while chained to hospital beds. Weeeeiiiirrrrrddd!

The most disturbing part for me was the nun dressed in white with red splotches marking her … beauty spots. Erasing that image may require some therapy.

After a while, I figure the Madonna-like mouth wasn’t accidental. This video actually looks like a mash-up of Madonna’s videos for Like a Prayer and Vogue. There was even some Frozen in there somewhere. Wow! All I can say is …

♫ You know that I love you boy ♫

♫ Hot like Mexico, rejoice ♫

♫ Ale-Ale-jandro-Ale-Ale-jandro ♫

Now, to less insane matters. Inception. Sigh. This movie should have been really, really good. It’s got this amazing concept and the potential to totally fry my brains, but somehow, it just didn’t. I’ve done a more detailed review over on DR, so here, I’ll only explain.

I thought that after watching a movie like that, I’d be seriously mind-f****d. I’m big on dreams, and this morning I woke up feeling upset because I’d had a spell of nightmares. In my dreams, I’m sometimes aware that I’m dreaming. In one particular nightmare, I even got on my knees and prayed so I could wake up [after pinching myself and splashing water on my face – all didn’t work, and I did all this in my sleep mind you].

When we were little and had nightmares, my mum would have us kneel by the bed, say a prayer, place a Gideon’s Bible under our pillows and wear a Holy Water cross to keep bad dreams away. That’s why I was trying to kneel. I kept screaming, ‘Wake up, your dreaming!’ But the dream was populated my alien demons, so invisible hands kept pulling me to my feet when I knelt down to pray, and I therefore, I couldn’t wake up.

I’ve done a lot more … embarrassing things in my sleep, so with a background like that, the whole dream within a dream concept is easy for me to get. A movie about people stealing and planting ideas while you sleep should be just the thing for me. In my dream last night, I was aware of being asleep, and kept trying to twist my dream into a happy ending. Instead, each mental turn I took ended up making things worse. I know, I know, signs of stress. I need some rice ice cream.

So after a night like that, Inception seemed like the perfect thing. My brain was numb and brittle, just prime for some classic brainwashing. But after 2 hours and 10 minutes, I feel zero, zip, nadda. I’m not even afraid of going to sleep tonight. Now Poltergeist on the other hand …

Posted on by crystal · 389 Comments

Don’t touch my car!

There’s one clear sign that a woman is cheating; she changes her hair or her wardrobe. Of course, it could also be a sign of mental aging, reality TV, or a free make-over.

But I don’t know what it means when a girl changes her car.

In my case, I’ve done all three, so I don’t know what the sign readers are thinking. I cut my hair, dyed it purple,  and now I’m revamping my clothes.

I want something a little closer to six-inch in the shoe department … as soon as I can learn to run in them, of course. I’m an over-achiever, so it won’t be enough to just walk. I’m also looking to skirt a little more … preferably short and flirty.

But most important, it’s bye-bye baby…

This beauty has served me well, even though she existed only in my mind. She’s all natural, so no car sickness from her unmodified interiors. She makes me artsy and eccentric, as all beetles do. Plus, she’s highly unlikely to be carjacked.

She’s kind on my pocket, initially. Even if she’s well pimped, she’d cost me 300,000 at best. That’s a pretty affordable dream car, and I like when dreams come true.

She’s not the best starter – I hear – because she’s very high maintenance, and also because she often breaks down in the middle of traffic. She needs first class service, this girl.

Now … **drums please** … this is what I’m changing to. Hellooooo00 Nurse!

Isn’t he a beauty?! I shall name him Red. Or Sasha. Or maybe both.

I have heard that he may be just eye candy, and the guys at Top Gear are unimpressed, but I don’t mind. I’m perfectly okay with pretty. He’s fast, he’s red, he’s big … and he’s a Bimmer. That’s more than this girl can ask for.

X6 is my new dream car, and it says a whole lot about me. For one thing, I’m a lot less conservative now. I’ve gone up to flashy from docile, from purple haired tomboy to stylish sophisticate.

My beetle is cute, distinctive, quirky … and her rear’s on the wrong end. My Sasha sails like a dream, soundless and swift, and he clearly leaves a mark. Also, it helps that he’s a boy.

It’s an interesting contrast, because as a V-dub, I’d be solid, dependable … but still loud. You’d always know where I am, and I totally make an entrance. As a Bimmer, I’m just as easily noticed – maybe more. You’d stare at an X6 before an old beetle, though you’re likely to whistle at both.

But the stealth level is in the Bimmer is higher … and I have tinted windows. Plus, people would pet a V-dub before they went groping a Bimmer. Bimmers are just more intimidating somehow. Taller too.

With a V-dub, you see, you hear, but you don’t long to touch. With X6, you might see, you don’t hear, but you don’t dare to scratch. So I’ve become more and less accessible all at the same time. Interesting.

Also, as a Bimmer, I have a polished look, which translates to professionalism.

Of course, the Bimmer uses more fuel, and costs over ten times more than the V-dub. So the value of my wallet’s gone up … or down … depending on how you look at it.

So what does this mean for 3CB?

For one thing, I need to earn more. Don’t worry, I won’t charge you extra. I might take on more projects, widen my scope a little, and be a lot more daring, but the price is always right.

Why not take my writing for a test drive? You know you want to…