Posted on by crystal · 118 Comments

Of cats and stuff

One of my favourite songs at the moment is Say something by JT and Chris Stapleton. Another is Nowhere Fast by Eminem and Kehlani. I looked up the lyrics and noticed Google is kind of shortchanging sites like Az lyrics. I like it coz it’s purple and well laid out, used it for years. It was almost always at the top of search rankings.

But nowadays Google puts lyrics on its own home page, so you don’t have to click on the lyrics sites. I get that it’s about monopoly easy access, but I feel bad for all the sites that are losing traffic over this. My entire income model is based on helping businesses get more web traffic, so I feel kinda sad when the machine turns against them. It’s kind of like the twinge I feel when I search for mpesa rates and the first five hits are from a website that isn’t Safaricom.

#BiacharaNeBiachara

♫ But if at times my heart it seems like it’s in the wrong place ♫
♫ It’s probably ’cause it’s on my sleeve ♫

I’ve dated a lot of younger guys who were mama’s boys. It’s probably a Freudian thing, but that’s not really the point. I told one of them that I like Eminem. He said: ‘You like a guy who insults his mum?!?’ I said: ‘I don’t like that he does it … I just like how he does it.’

Because Marshall talks a lot of shit about a lot of stuff. Stuff he really shouldn’t be talking shit about. But the way he does it, Lord! I love a word-smart man, that’s all. And Marshall can play with my words anytime.

Sometimes I think I’d like to meet him. I think a man that plays with words like that must have a beautiful mind, and I’d like to get inside that head. It’s what draws me to a lot of the guys I end up with – their ability to turn a phrase. It shows a very specific kind of intelligence, and those smarts turn me way up. Of course they also tend to be mean-spirited and aloof, that’s the downside of their genius. That’s probably a Freudian thing as well.

I’m listening to music again. That’s good, I’m excited about that. I’m not all there yet, but music is a good sign. Also, I’m buying a freezer. For my cats. Because they eat a lot, and I don’t have a car yet, so I have to go to Gigiri every two weeks to get them frozen meat. With a freezer, I can go once a month and save 1K on uber. Yes, I’m bougie like that, and yes, I’m a cat lady.

Meet Tux, Arya, and Remi

I usually jav to Gigiri and uber back, because it’s hard carrying 20kg of cat mince in two matatus on opposite ends of the CBD. I recently discovered I can have the cat mince delivered by nduthi, but it still costs about a K, so either way, cutting down the trip to once a month saves me a lot. It also gives me extra space in my fridge, which is almost always full of cat food.

So I’m buying them a separate freezer. Because I can. And because I want to. It’s a lesson I’m learning of late. That I don’t always have to second-guess or justify my actions. Sometimes, I can just do shit because I can, and because I want to. It feels kinda nice. A form of self love I suppose.

When you have cyclic anxiety and depression, sometimes, life doesn’t seem like it’s worth living. And that sense of hopelessness is triggered by the tiniest things. A missed call that wasn’t returned. A bounced date that wasn’t rescheduled. A sharp look from the teenager. It’s scary how fast you go from, ‘Well, that wasn’t very nice,’ to ‘Maybe I should jump in front of that bus.’

It’s not a conscious mental progression. It’s reflex, automatic. It’s how the depressive brain is wired, and it’s something you have to live with, forever. Getting better isn’t about stopping the reflex, coz that never stops. Recovery is about spotting the thought, noticing it’s there … and choosing not to act on it. It’s a part of you. It’s a part of me, But it’s not a part we have to act out.

♫ Rumour has it ♫ Adele ♫

Posted on by crystal · 117 Comments

Only Marshall can make beauty out of violence

♫ Just gonna stand there and watch me burn ♫

♫ That’s alright because I like the way it hurts ♫

♫ Just gonna stand there and hear me cry ♫

♫ That’s alright because I love the way you lie ♫

I bumped into this song in a very interesting way. I was having a chat with a very special person, who just happens to be an ex Mr 3CB. We have the same taste in music, so he’s always sending me songs and stuff. Today, he sent me three suggestions. The second song was Beautiful from Relapse, and the third was a song about nonpoints and bullets which made me giggle for a really long time, though I’m still not sure why. I didn’t much like the Relapse song. Too much jazz. But I’ve been playing this one non-stop. The count is at 55.

At first, I wasn’t sure just what I liked. I’ve had the song on my iTunes for months, but I didn’t pay much attention. I mean really … Eminem featuring Rihanna? How now? I glanced at the song info and skipped it more than once. It took Sailor to make me sit up and listen, and only because he has good taste.

When I heard Rihanna whining in the beginning, I was like wtf? But then her voice dies off suddenly and I’m like hmm, this could be interesting. When the beat began, I thought, ‘Hmm, catchy’. Then I started to listen to the words and I was gone. First, it has Em’s trademark rhyming. I just love the way he uses enjambment. Or, maybe it was caesura.

[Disclaimer: I had to Google that one. I know the technique from Mr Murimi and Lit 101, but I couldn’t remember the terms. I suck at details.]

Enjambment is when you stop a sentence in poetry [or rap] partway, to create rhyme and rhythm. Caesura is when you do the same with sound. I think.

♫ High off of love, drunk from my hate ♫

♫ It’s like I’m huffing pain and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate ♫

♫ And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates ♫

♫ me. She fucking hates me and I love it. Wait! ♫

♫ Where you going? ‘I’m leaving you.’ No you ain’t ♫

♫ Come back we’re running right back. Here we go again. ♫

I just love the way he rhymes words that don’t rhyme. I like the tricky word play and the little puns you have to scrutinize to get. Stuff like huffing pain[t].

Of course it helps that the subject is deep, and that it’s handled so uniquely. It helps a lot more that the instrumentals are so awesome. I did more than my fair share of air strings – or whatevere it is they’re using to get the basso profundo. Is that what it was called? That effect where there’s a constant droning bass line? It might have been basso ostinato, I forget.

Anyway, this song clearly moved me. I tweeted about it for well over an hour, and I’m still OCD-ing as we speak. There’s something magical about the way some songs grab me, shake me, and won’t let me go. I’m just a little concerned that lately, a large number are done by Eminem.

There’s a part 2 to this song and I hunted it down on Twitter. It’s not as good as the original, though Em’s verse is amazing, and the song has some pretty serious drums. I thought about it more, whether this is really love, this furious, angstious dependency. It’s powerful and unhealthy, but you can’t deny its passion. I don’t think I want a ‘love’ like that. It makes you feel alive, but it can kill you too.

Either way, I’d still like to buy Marshall tea and pick that brain of his. As long as he doesn’t go Mariah on me. I’m just saying.

♫ Love the way you lie ♫ Eminem featuring Rihanna ♫

Posted on by crystal · 23 Comments

♫ The beat goes on da-da-dum-da-dum-da-da ♫

I’ve noticed an interesting shift in my personality lately. I’ve become a lot more … aggressive. As opposed to passive aggressive. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, but Mr 3CB approves, and I trust his opinion. He says it’s cool I’m finally standing up for myself, and it’s great that I’m letting out the pressure. I’d hate to blow up one day and stab him in his sleep. When people vent and flip, it’s the people close to them that suffer, and no one is closer than Mr 3CB.

A few weeks ago, I read this article about Eminem. It got me really curious, and I went rifling through my hard drive to see if I had any. I found about a gig’s worth, so yay! I didn’t actually listen to it until today. I’m still surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. A week ago, I would have been traumatised, but lately it takes odd things to disturb me.

A few minutes after I started Eminem, I clicked on this tweet and found some sickly sweet song by Bruno Mars. Just the fact that I called it sickly worried me. It’s a cute puppy dog song about how all girls are beautiful and have awesome hair and we should value ourselves blah blah fish cake yadda yadda yadda. All I could think was Bieber-Twitter-Song-Britney-Spears-Sucky-Cotton-Candy-Blergh. In that order. And while I like cotton candy, nothing in there is a compliment. I literally wanted to retch, and that’s really, really sad.

Meanwhile, I’m listening to angry Marshall lyrics and bopping my head. I wince a lot less when he’s tasteless to women, though I’m skipping  a few songs and deleting others. The ones about effing Kim, killing his mum, and shooting random people are way too angsty for me, and some of the songs are a bit to Snoop-y.

Aside from [mostly] liking Eminem, I’ve noticed I’m censoring my curse words a lot less. I should probably work on that, because I can’t write eff then tell my princess not to use it. I suppose this could be the latest stage in my delayed teenage. I’ve done cool skin, crazy hair, and puppy love, so bad music was bound to follow.

I always sort of liked Eminem – his style, not his lyrics. He’s very clever with his rhyme schemes, and his word play is unequaled. He’s got some killer tracks too – the instrumentals are all Valhalla. I used to say if he could replace the words with something clean, he’d be brilliant. There’s Christian artist who did that in the 90s. He sounded just like Eminem, except he was on Holy Ghost train. His name was KJ-52.

Marshall sounds pretty smart during interviews sometimes, and on 8 Mile, I saw that he’s capable of being – you know – not Eminem. I think that’s the first time I ever took him seriously. Before that, he was just the idiot who sung Slim Shady. The movie showed me his human side, and songs like Mocking bird affirmed the idea. I think I’d actually enjoy a conversation with him as long as he didn’t go all Em on me. I’ve just found a song called Stimulate where he says:

My

Music can be slightly amusing.

You shouldn’t take lyrics so seriously, it might be confusing.

Trying to separate the truth from entertainment

It’s stupid ain’t it?

I get sick of trying to explain.

Like Sean says, it’s amazing how he rhymes words that shouldn’t rhyme and still makes them sound so good. He’s deep too, if the songs are anything to go by. The proper songs, not the ‘My name is’ songs.

As I listen to Slim, I find that even the lyrics don’t bug me. It could be that it’s background, so I can’t really hear it. Or maybe something came loose in my brain and let the demons out – who knows. Maybe I just need to watch 8 mile again and get it out of mys system, coz that was a really good movie.

♫ Stimulate ♫ Eminem ♫