Posted on by crystal · 112 Comments

Inception and Alejandro

First, Alejandro. I don’t much care for [or against] Lady Gaga. She has no effect on me. Her songs are pretty catchy, and that video she did with Beyoncé left me disturbed for days, but beyond that, I have no opinion.

So when I heard there was this new video called Alejandro, I was like yeah, ok. For the next few days, anytime I saw something vaguely weird on TV, I’d ask if it was Alejandro. I’d heard the video described as pornographic, so I was wary…

Yesterday, I bumped into it on Kiss TV. At first I saw  a set that looked like Go West by Pet Shop Boys meets Equilibrium, except it was in black and white. The dancers looked pretty gay, and there was a mouth that looked a lot like Madonna’s. Then I heard some weird monologue and saw what looked like a nun in red leather-slash-spandex. Ooookaaaaaaay.

The tune of the song is pretty catchy, so even as I watched the video, I kept singing ♫ Ale-Ale-jandro-Ale-Ale-jandro ♫ I couldn’t figure out what the song was about, because in the chorus, she mentions three or four different guys’ names, so unless the dude in the funny hat is called Alejandro Fernando Roberto Ricardo, then that’s some really bad rhyming.

I don’t know why there was a red nun in a coffin, or why she was swallowing a crucifix, or why the other nun was being ravaged by gay guys in Beatles wigs, or even why skinny people in tan underwear were dry humping while chained to hospital beds. Weeeeiiiirrrrrddd!

The most disturbing part for me was the nun dressed in white with red splotches marking her … beauty spots. Erasing that image may require some therapy.

After a while, I figure the Madonna-like mouth wasn’t accidental. This video actually looks like a mash-up of Madonna’s videos for Like a Prayer and Vogue. There was even some Frozen in there somewhere. Wow! All I can say is …

♫ You know that I love you boy ♫

♫ Hot like Mexico, rejoice ♫

♫ Ale-Ale-jandro-Ale-Ale-jandro ♫

Now, to less insane matters. Inception. Sigh. This movie should have been really, really good. It’s got this amazing concept and the potential to totally fry my brains, but somehow, it just didn’t. I’ve done a more detailed review over on DR, so here, I’ll only explain.

I thought that after watching a movie like that, I’d be seriously mind-f****d. I’m big on dreams, and this morning I woke up feeling upset because I’d had a spell of nightmares. In my dreams, I’m sometimes aware that I’m dreaming. In one particular nightmare, I even got on my knees and prayed so I could wake up [after pinching myself and splashing water on my face – all didn’t work, and I did all this in my sleep mind you].

When we were little and had nightmares, my mum would have us kneel by the bed, say a prayer, place a Gideon’s Bible under our pillows and wear a Holy Water cross to keep bad dreams away. That’s why I was trying to kneel. I kept screaming, ‘Wake up, your dreaming!’ But the dream was populated my alien demons, so invisible hands kept pulling me to my feet when I knelt down to pray, and I therefore, I couldn’t wake up.

I’ve done a lot more … embarrassing things in my sleep, so with a background like that, the whole dream within a dream concept is easy for me to get. A movie about people stealing and planting ideas while you sleep should be just the thing for me. In my dream last night, I was aware of being asleep, and kept trying to twist my dream into a happy ending. Instead, each mental turn I took ended up making things worse. I know, I know, signs of stress. I need some rice ice cream.

So after a night like that, Inception seemed like the perfect thing. My brain was numb and brittle, just prime for some classic brainwashing. But after 2 hours and 10 minutes, I feel zero, zip, nadda. I’m not even afraid of going to sleep tonight. Now Poltergeist on the other hand …

Posted on by crystal · 111 Comments

How I hate being wrong!

Especially when it happens twice in one day.

I had sworn, sworn, sworn not to watch the new karate kid movie. I liked the old one a lot, and was badly traumatised by The Next Karate Kid, which was lousy despite having a blonde female karateka. There was no way I was going to erase the iconic image of Daniel-Son from my head.

But yesterday I stumbled into the newer film on UTV while doing my bi-annual dish-washing ritual. I caught it partway through, when Jaden was busy playing with his jacket, and the jacket thing was a lot more fun than ‘wax on, wax off’ so I watched a little longer.

By the time I noticed Jaden himself, I was hooked. I’ve always had a crush on Will Smith, and Jaden is so much like him. They have this little-boy-lost look that totally does it for me. It’s like a permanent hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar expression. And I don’t know if it’s the looks or the gestures, but everything he did reminded me of his dad. I kept wondering if I’d have noticed those expressions if I didn’t already know who Jaden was. It’s like when you’re told two people are related and you suddenly notice just how much they resemble each other.

I’ll say this: Jaden being just like Will proves Will is a great dad. Jaden has so many of Will’s cute gestures and habits, and he could only have learned them by watching his dad. A lot. Or by chilling all day with Fresh Prince reruns. Either way, I’m guessing Will spends a lot of time bonding with his boy, and that’s the mark of a good father.

My favourite scene in the movie is when they’re at the dance machine thingie – I forget what it’s called – and the girl with funny hair is pulling Fergie-Beyoncé moves and Jaden is looking at her like that. I’d give a whole lot to have a guy look at me like that. Sigh. The boy may have the makings of a player though, because that expression is way too mature for a 12 year old.

The scene with the girl and the snake is pretty cool too. It’s funny when he tries to pull the move on his mother, and again in the match finals. And the black mother attitude totally made my day when she barked, ‘Pick up the jacket!’ She was rocking that red Chinese dress. Also, Jackie Chan is way more fun than Miyagi. He has this cheeky look that I adore, even though I barely knew him under the crazy moustache.

My second surprise of the day was How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. When it first came out, I decided not to watch it because I saw the preview and noticed that I’d done every one of those crazy things. And that was just the preview! How depressing. Yesterday I caught it during the bet scene, and continued watching because nothing else was on … and because I was still doing dishes. What.

I like the movie because despite being utterly insane, she still gets the guy in the end. Of course I kept wondering if he secretly liked the craziness or if the bet was that important to him. The whole movie is told from her perspective, so we see her secret looks when she feels bad for torturing the guy, but we never really see how he feels about it.

And I like that he comes after her in the end, not the other way around. The hair was pretty too.

So. Twice in one day. I still hate being wrong though.

Posted on by crystal · 135 Comments

Life imitating art: Hinder and Rihanna vs Mya

Nittzsah, a fellow writer over at Diasporadical wrote about the Ushenzi/Ungwana campaign. It’s a series of adverts on Kenyan TV which aims to change social behaviour.

In one advert, a girl drops an ice cream cup on the floor in a busy street, and doesn’t bother to pick it up. She then giggles derisively at the council worker that does. In another ad, a taxi driver argues with his wife because he has found a purse with a lot of money, and decides to return it to its owner.

I find the ads amusing and entertaining, but I don’t know if they actually change anything. After all, I’ve never walked into a soda shop prompted by a Coke ad.

But at some level, these messages do filter through. My daughter insists that I buy Dettol, Lifebuoy, [and Barbie dolls] simply because of ads on TV. She also thinks Scotts Emulsion is cool. Growing up, that stuff was considered the worst form of punishment.

So for kids her age, it’s possible that seeing an honest cab driver on TV would make her less likely to steal.

It’s said that media is the best gauge of a society. It reflects what people are thinking, seeing and doing. But media also seeks to influence our habits, and it’s sometimes hard to tell which is which.

In 2000, a pretty RnB artist named Mya released a song called Case of the Ex. It had an awesome dance video and some pretty clever lyrics. It talks about a girl challenging her man when his Ex calls at 12.00 a.m. She wants to know how he’ll respond now that his Ex wants him back. The tone of the song is angst, and we can tell the girl isn’t amused by this Ex lurking around.

I liked this song because it was catchy. It had a great dance beat, and it spoke to the little pitbull inside me. It felt pretty good to sing  the attitude even though I’m not the kind of girl that will fight over a man.

Five years later, a rock band named Hinder released Lips of an angel. It covers the same theme, but from a guy’s perspective. He’s talking to his Ex, wishing he was with her, while his girl sits blissfully in another room. In this case as well, it an ex-based booty call.

Unlike Mya, this song always makes me cry. It isn’t just the Emo tone and the sad guitars … it’s the whole idea. He sings to his Ex…

♫ … you make it hard to be faithful with lips of an angel. ♫

Every time I hear that line, I get all teary for the new girlfriend who’s clearly being cheated on, emotionally at least. I wonder why he broke up with LadyEx in the first place if she was so awesome, and why he can’t just dump this new girl and get back the old one instead of sneaking around like that.

There are other lines that kill me:

♫ Just knowing that you’re talking to me will start a fight. No, I don’t think she has a clue. ♫

♫ My girl’s in the next room, sometimes I wish it was you. I guess we never really moved on ♫

Poor new girlfriend 🙁

The fact that both these songs hit massively says a lot about society. Often, a song becomes popular because it expresses what many people feel. In the 90s and 2000s, it was okay to stand up for your love. Songs about cheaters and break-ups were largely angry. We had hits like…

  1. Don’t mess with my man – there’s a version by Nivea and one by the girl from En Vogue
  2. How am I supposed to leave you now by Westlife
  3. Why you over there looking at me [while my girl’s standing here] by Ma$e

Later, the trend seems to change. Cheaters become apathetic and helpless, but not necessarily sorry. They realise what they’re doing is wrong, but they don’t plan on stopping. Sample these:

  1. Unfaithful by Rihanna
  2. Dilemma by Nelly and Kelly Rowland
  3. Confessions by Usher

Love has always been complicated, but it gets really sad when the world says it’s ok to eff things up then sing about it.

Songs begin with words, and words and sound are a pretty good way to express emotion  – whether you’re a bitchy ex-girlfriend or a late-night drunk-dialler. And words work best when they’re written down.

I take a lot of things to heart, because words can heal, and they can hurt. I can help you get those words across, though I would rather do it with angst than curl up and cry.

Whether you need a Taylor Swift to put tears on a client’s guitar, a Petey Pablo to get someone to show you the money, or an Ashley Simpson to warn off a jealous girlfriend, I’m the one to say it for you. From ghost writing to love letters to web copy to fan mail, I’m your girl, so call me!