A lot of people call me kind, gentle, outgoing, generous. But like almost everyone on the planet, I don’t see myself the way the world does. In my own mind, I’m petty, isolated, introverted, selfish. And I see this most clearly in my writing. See, the average writer writes for his audience. He puts words on paper that his readers want to buy. Me, I mostly write for myself. My words are my one indulgence. Well, my one public indulgence.
It’s odd, because I see myself as a writer above all else. Except, of course, my daughter. She is my whole world, and so I suppose being a mother trumps being a writer. That said, I often describe myself as a writer first, then a mother. Maybe it’s because my identity is more closely linked to books than to childbirth. Or maybe it’s because my subconscious knows I was writer long before I learned how to use my … ovaries.
Whenever someone asks me what a writer is, I say it’s a person that writes. And since I haven’t properly written in ages, I could argue that I’m not a writer anymore. I feel that way when I look at my work. It lacks the passion it once had, the effortless elegance, the ease and reflex, the intrinsic skill. When I look at my words now, they seem so much less … me. In some ways, I seem so much less me.
My work life has been pretty hectic lately. I don’t just mean on a task-based level. I mean I’m at a point where I’m drudging along. Where I walk out of the house, lock the door, and stand there for five minutes asking why exactly I’m going to the office. And after a spirited debate, I realise the only reason is that I can’t say why not. I can’t go back inside and tell my daughter that sometimes, when you don’t feel like going to work, you don’t have to. Because what would stop her from applying the same logic to school? And so I go to work.
I’ve asked myself if I dislike my job, and the answer is … not partuclarly. My workmates are cool, my boss is easy-going, my dress code is heavenly, I can wear my headphones all day, the pay is great, I have space and time to read … there’s not a lot more I could ask for in a job.
So why am I unhappy, and what would I rather be doing? The answer is always the same. Just like a billion people on this planet, I’d like to be a novelist. I’d like to write long, page-turning stories that move people’s lives and make me lots of money. I’m not sure I want my books turned into movies. I’m too much of a control freak for that. I’d just like people to read my work, love it, remember it. I’d like my words to mean something. And I’d like those words to turn into a penthouse with a heated swimming pool.
Every time I have this conversation objectively – even if it’s just inside my head – I realise there’s nothing stopping me from writing those stories. I suppose I’m afraid nobody will want to publish my novels, or that once they have, nobody will want to buy them. I’m thinking of the thousands of books in thousands of libraries that nobody will take off the shelf. The millions of e-books on Amazon that no-one has even heard of. Maybe I’m afraid of being another drop in the ocean of unread books. Or maybe I just need an excuse not to start.
When I first blogged in 2007, I wasn’t concerned about who would read me, or whether they would read me at all. Wait. That’s not entirely true, seeing as I emailed the link to everyone in my phone book. But mostly, I just wanted to write. I had a lot to say, and seeing it on (electronic) paper made me happy.
That feeling doesn’t last very long. A blogger might pretend that they don’t care about hits or awards or popularity, but deep down, everyone that writes, or sings, or performs, or says a single word out loud does it because they want to be seen, heard, appreciated.
So I suppose what I miss is the feeling of writing regardless. The bliss of putting down words even if I know that no one will see them, that the people who see them might not even care. The precious treasure of writing simply for the sake of writing. And I suppose once I reclaim that magical moment, I’ll start writing novels again, and maybe I’ll even get my second novel published.
Yes, there was a first novel, published in August 2008. It sold about 30 copies on Amazon. Oddly, I didn’t get much feedback, so either the people who bought it didn’t read it, or the people that read it didn’t like it. I’ve only met seven people who admitted to reading it. Three didn’t like it, and two had slept with me, so they’re probably biased. The final two know me really well, so they gave me detailed notes on the parallels between me and my lead character … without actually saying if they liked the book or not.
This is the part where I’m supposed to say buy my book. So … buy my book 🙂 And if you do read it, please tell me what you thought of it. Meanwhile, I’m off in search of a bitchy muse, the kind that will push me to write regardless of who is reading, or whether anyone is reading at all, because I really do miss that feeling. Maybe while said muse it at it, he can steer me back towards poetry.
As I wait, it may be a good idea to sift through my blog drafts. I see a lot of incomplete thoughts in there, and who knows, they just might be the seeds to a truly good story. Or even a soap or mini-series, because I’m toying with that as well. I recently worked on a project that broke my heart a million different ways. Well okay, maybe five different ways. I’ve spent the past few days trying to figure out the point of it all, because I don’t believe in the random.
My conclusion is a discussion for another post … which I started writing yesterday, and might finish at some point. For now, my clothes are soaked, the church bell is ringing, and there’s a hair care brief on my desk. Also, this weather is perfect for making babies, so wear gloves, play safe, and keep warm. Good weekend all 🙂
♫ A message ♫ Coldplay ♫
Hi, I’m curious, how is your natural hair journey coming along?
That is nuts, kids should go to school whether I work or not, because school performance is related to studying, but a regular routine of going to work does not in any way, in the rounded earth around the area close to zero degrees north or south, equate to success when the heart does not feel it.
hehehehehe, “The final two know me really well, so they gave me detailed notes on the parallels between me and my lead character … without actually saying if they liked the book or not.”
@K Ehe, mnajijua. And yes, there were two of you 😀
@Sly Hehehe that boat sailed. I couldn’t hack. Went back to my purple dreads 🙂
I just want to tell you that I am new to blogs and absolutely savored your blog. Almost certainly I’m want to bookmark your site . You absolutely come with amazing articles and reviews. Appreciate it for sharing your blog.
fantastic issues altogether, you just gained a new reader. What would you suggest about your put up that you made a few days in the past? Any positive?
Heya i am for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you aided me.
Thank you, I’ve just been looking for information about this topic for ages and yours is the best I’ve found out till now. However, what about the conclusion? Are you positive concerning the supply?
As I site possessor I believe the content matter here is rattling great , appreciate it for your efforts. You should keep it up forever! Best of luck.
I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here. The sketch is tasteful, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this increase.
fantastic issues altogether, you simply received a new reader. What may you suggest about your post that you made some days ago? Any positive?
Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers? I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on. Any tips?
Hello.This post was really motivating, especially since I was investigating for thoughts on this matter last week.
Have you ever thought about writing an ebook or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my readers would appreciate your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.
I consider something really special in this website.
The other day, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!
Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance from an established blog. Is it tough to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about setting up my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Cheers
The subsequent time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I know it was my choice to read, but I really thought youd have one thing fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could repair in case you werent too busy searching for attention.
Spot on with this write-up, I actually assume this web site wants far more consideration. I’ll most likely be again to learn way more, thanks for that info.
My developer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on several websites for about a year and am nervous about switching to another platform. I have heard good things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress posts into it? Any kind of help would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks for the helpful write-up. It is also my opinion that mesothelioma has an particularly long latency period of time, which means that symptoms of the disease would possibly not emerge right up until 30 to 50 years after the initial exposure to asbestos. Pleural mesothelioma, that’s the most common style and has an effect on the area throughout the lungs, will cause shortness of breath, chest muscles pains, and a persistent coughing, which may bring about coughing up blood vessels.
Thank you a lot for sharing this with all people you really recognise what you are talking approximately! Bookmarked. Please additionally visit my website =). We could have a hyperlink change agreement among us!
One other issue is when you are in a circumstance where you don’t have a co-signer then you may genuinely wish to try to make use of all of your financial aid options. You will discover many grants and other free college funding that will supply you with finances that can help with classes expenses. Many thanks for the post.
hey there and thanks in your information – I have definitely picked up something new from proper here. I did on the other hand expertise several technical points the use of this site, since I skilled to reload the website many times prior to I could get it to load correctly. I were wondering in case your hosting is OK? Not that I am complaining, but slow loading circumstances occasions will often impact your placement in google and could harm your high-quality ranking if advertising and ***********|advertising|advertising|advertising and *********** with Adwords. Anyway I’m adding this RSS to my email and can glance out for much extra of your respective fascinating content. Make sure you replace this once more very soon..
I have seen that service fees for internet degree professionals tend to be a great value. For instance a full 4-year college Degree in Communication from The University of Phoenix Online consists of Sixty credits from $515/credit or $30,900. Also American Intercontinental University Online offers a Bachelors of Business Administration with a full course element of 180 units and a tariff of $30,560. Online degree learning has made taking your degree far less difficult because you could earn your current degree from the comfort of your abode and when you finish from work. Thanks for all the tips I have learned through your web site.
I have been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this web site. Thanks , I will try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your website?
I was just seeking this information for some time. After 6 hours of continuous Googleing, at last I got it in your website. I wonder what’s the lack of Google strategy that don’t rank this type of informative websites in top of the list. Usually the top web sites are full of garbage.
You really make it seem really easy along with your presentation however I in finding this topic to be actually something that I feel I’d never understand. It sort of feels too complex and extremely wide for me. I’m taking a look ahead to your subsequent publish, I will attempt to get the hold of it!
This website can be a stroll-by means of for the entire data you wanted about this and didnít know who to ask. Glimpse right here, and youíll definitely discover it.
Definitely, what a magnificent blog and enlightening posts, I will bookmark your blog.Best Regards!
Wow, marvelous weblog structure! How lengthy have you ever been blogging for? you made running a blog look easy. The entire look of your website is excellent, let alone the content!
Another important area is that if you are a senior, travel insurance pertaining to pensioners is something you need to really look at. The old you are, the more at risk you are for permitting something bad happen to you while overseas. If you are not covered by many comprehensive insurance plan, you could have some serious troubles. Thanks for sharing your hints on this web blog.
Excellent items from you, man. I have take note your stuff previous to and you are just too fantastic. I actually like what you have received here, really like what you’re saying and the way in which wherein you say it. You are making it entertaining and you continue to care for to keep it sensible. I cant wait to read far more from you. That is actually a great web site.
I will immediately grab your rss as I can’t find your e-mail subscription link or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Please permit me understand in order that I may just subscribe. Thanks.
I have been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all site owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be a lot more useful than ever before.
Unquestionably consider that that you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the net the simplest factor to be mindful of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed even as folks think about worries that they plainly do not understand about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and also defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks
I am really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one today..
Very interesting info!Perfect just what I was searching for!
My husband and i ended up being quite delighted that Albert managed to round up his reports via the ideas he was given out of the weblog. It’s not at all simplistic just to always be giving out methods that many people could have been trying to sell. And we keep in mind we need the website owner to thank because of that. All the illustrations you’ve made, the easy web site navigation, the friendships you can help to promote – it’s everything fabulous, and it’s helping our son and us reason why the theme is enjoyable, which is certainly extraordinarily important. Thank you for all the pieces!
I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one nowadays..
Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!
Hello, i think that i saw you visited my web site so i came to “return the favor”.I am trying to find things to improve my web site!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!
Excellent beat ! I wish to apprentice even as you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a weblog site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I have been a little bit familiar of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea
There is noticeably a bundle to identify about this. I think you made certain nice points in features also.
You have noted very interesting details! ps decent internet site.
naturally like your web site but you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless I’ll surely come back again.
Hey there, You have performed an incredible job. I will definitely digg it and in my view suggest to my friends. I’m confident they’ll be benefited from this web site.
I just like the helpful information you supply in your articles. I will bookmark your blog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am moderately certain I’ll be informed lots of new stuff proper right here! Best of luck for the following!
I like what you guys are up too. This type of clever work and reporting! Keep up the terrific works guys I’ve incorporated you guys to my blogroll.