…now I know what insomnia is like **grin**

So it’s no secret that I’m mad about psychology, and that I love my MBTI. I’m always trying to get people to do the test. I know of two INFJs, but for some reason, I just don’t like them. I’ve no idea why. I so wanted to find out, so I went in search of blogs. Found out a lot of interesting stuff, good, bad, happy, sad.

I liked this:

I’m 31 and have recently discovered that I am an INFJ. Oh my God-today I feel like I’ve had a breakthrough! I’m not NUTS! LOL!

I am the stereotypical INFJ. I’m an artist, have been since birth practically, I draw, paint, photograph religiously, I’m finishing up my BFA finally with a double major in Photography and Drawing. I feel like I’ve fought so hard to live up to other people’s expectations, esp. my parents. (It never worked) I love and cherish my alone time, I read constantly, not just for school, I am just a fanatical learner. I have a small group of close friends and that’s it. I married an ESTJ, and I think we’ve been a great match so far…I’ve never felt like the popular one, never fit in, in some ways, never wanted to.
(Even in the art dept, I don’t fi
t in. They dress like they went to Goodwill, I dress… normal!)

I’ve always felt like the outsider looking in, I hate crowds and loud people…I would rather sit at home on the weekend and paint, or work on the computer, or redecorate my house. Someone mentioned having coffee with friends, and that sounds like the perfect outing to me. I am always thinking about the future, and sometimes that’s the only thing that gets me through the present. I chuckle when I read about having a strong sense of justice, because nothing gets me angrier in this world than to see someone get wronged. I struggle with crowds, so I take classes online, and I love it!!

I also liked this:

Extroverts are like aliens to me. I look at them with curiosity. What in the world goes on inside their pretty heads?

And I especially liked this:

Being an INFJ to me, is like living inside of a locked house with a very pretty front lawn. People walk by and they see things that they like. A few people even stop and admire the house for awhile, and then move on. Some people try to pluck the flowers out of the ground, taking advantage of the beautiful yard when they don’t think anyone is watching.

But I’m always inside, and I always see the people walking by. Only a few people stop to see if there is anyone inside of the house. At one point it bothered me tremendously what other people thought of me. Then I learned I was an INFJ. My curiosity has been insatiable. I read everything I can get my hands on. When I realized that I was perfectly normal, for an INFJ, and I felt better immediately. I stopped trying to put on an act for other people, and I immediately felt a sense of peace come over me, a sense of peace that has been very new to me. I feel very contented, because everything I’ve read has validated my feelings and validated my existence. It helps me to

counteract the effects of the times I heard from others that I was, “weird”.

Well, world, I’m not weird, I’m an INFJ, and I’m just as normal as every other INFJ. Ah, that feels so good to say.

I’m uncomfortable talking with everyone. That’s normal for me. I’m very easily amused, and very easily thrilled. That’s normal for me. I love people, but I usually doubt that people love me. That’s normal for me. I don’t like to be the center of attention. That’s normal for me. I would rather spend my saturday evening reading than drinking. That’s normal for me, too. I have faith that life will only get better for me if I keep looking toward the future, and working hard in the present. Wowee, I do so many normal things for an INFJ!!! I’m so glad I learned about MBTI.

When I was young I was often told by my teachers, and also by my parents that I was a smart kid. I also got messages from my family that smart people are dumb. Smart people have no common sense according to them. And to a large extent, I lack what they consider to be common sense. I can’t fix a car. Sometimes I put off doing dishes because I value conversation and connection with another human being over chores. I’ll switch my major from engineering to communications, just because I know it’s better for my happiness, even if it’s not better for my wallet. I care very little about my financial situation, now or in the future. I have goals for my life that I planned out when I was little. My most important goal is that I want to be happy. I want to be happy in my career, and in my family life, and with a few strong friendships. I had a sad childhood, and am busily trying to overcome it. I also have a strong drive to be the best I can be. I’m rather competitive. I like to be held. I like it when people thank me for helping them, and the feeling is especially good when I helped them without realizing that I did, just by being me.

My best friend here says, “You usually don’t know what’s going on, but you usually know just what everyone’s feeling.” My boyfriend says, “How did you know I wanted to go inside? I didn’t tell you.” and he says, “How did you know I needed that hug? I didn’t tell you.” He’s an INTJ. He’s very perceptive, too. But not so much about people’s feelings. When I need a hug, he usually happily obliges, once I tell him I need a hug.

I absolutely love being an INFJ. I love having access to this great store of knowledge. I love my creativity. I love my intense and varied moods. I love intrinsically knowing people, sometimes better than they know themselves. And I don’t mind that I don’t like big parties. I don’t mind that I don’t like office politics. I don’t mind that I think about things a lot and analyze them like crazy. I like being me. I like being an INFJ. I’m completely normal.

Thanks to Megan, I can stop defending myself about this compulsive need to defend myself, because I know it is me. I can stop questioning why I write what I write, because it is me. I can grin when I say that I love to be cuddled, and I will immediately dismiss as a potential boyfriend any man that doesn’t like to cuddle, sorry boy.

I can smile knowing that I adore twitter because it lets me reach people one-on-one from a nice safe distance. Bliss! It’s like it was built for INF [and T] Js, custom made! I can be content with my likes and dislikes, and with seeing through people in a way others don’t see or understand. I can know that no one is above faking, not even INFJs,and I can grin knowing that even though I’m sometimes fluff to others, I am always true to me, because that’s just the way I am.

I can accept that it’s hard for me to accept that people like me, and to believe that I am popular, but that it is even harder for me to realise that for no distinct reason, some people out there don’t like me, and some of them are my friends!! I can accept that I can’t change their minds, but I know not to beat myself up for wanting to. That’s me. I can stop questioning why I am not ‘like other girls’ because it is me. Heheh yes Nzembi, I know what you said about that. **grin**

But best of all, I realised that almost all the deep, dark, whiny INFJs I read about today found love. Happy love! With all the creepy, crawly, crazy zany quirks, they found a special someone to accept and love them, and not all of them were E’s! So yes, I can also stop questioning why I am unnaturally drawn to I’s, it is simply me. I can stop being upset that while I respect and comprehend my beloved ones, I am still scared by my Fi’s when they go into themselves and shut me out, coz that’s me too.

I can admit that I hurt easily because it’s my nature, and not blame myself for being weak. Instead I embrace that part of me, grin, bear it, and get over it. I will not run away. I will not hide to avoid hurt then hate myself for hiding. Instead I will shine, hurt, and heal.

Finally, and happily, I can recognise my feelings, my thoughts, my reactions, and even my responses to those thoughts, feelings and reactions without apologising to anyone, especially to myself. Today, I’ve grown beyond a resigned acceptance, I’ve flown past the wry smile. I’ve gone hukooooo way ahead of acquiescence. Today, I embrace myself, and I celebrate all that I am.

So now, I has a happee. Yay!! He’s out there somewhere, and I shall find him. We will work on it, we will compromise, but above all, he will love that I am a BJ-phobic commifrigid antistriptease waxallergic I-specific pseoudopushy uberclingy nymphoprude, and he will love to cuddle me in my sleep, and he will love my little girl and the little girl inside me, and I will be happy. Just like I am now. So there.

Wenye wivu meza we—>?


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17 thoughts on “Tonight I couldn't sleep so…

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