Lucid self expression is a gift. It lets you know exactly how you feel, and shows it to others too. But the thing with expression is that it’s still subjective. When thoughts are in your head, they mean what you want them to mean. Once they’re out in the open, people interpret them how they want, and like Darius says, sometimes a person’s opinion of you is their biased reaction, not fact. Of course, bias can be positive or negative, and is flavoured by their life experiences, morals, mental processes … and that morning’s traffic.

I did a stupid thing yesterday. I feel alseep to fantasies of my Ex. So naturally, he filled up all my dreams, breaking me over and over again. I need Actifed. I finally woke up, exhausted, but I can still hear his voice in my head. It makes random expressions I adore, and sometimes it comes with his face and his smile.  Sigh.

I don’t have that many exes, so I don’t have much to compare to, but it seems like this hurts more than others. I suppose it’s because the others had warning. There were signs and symptoms, so I had time to mentally prepare myself for the bombshell. But this time it was sudden. It’s like walking into work expecting a promotion and getting fired instead. No other break-up drove me to drink, though ovulation/PMS sometimes does. I thought I had purged it with puke, but apparently, this ish doesn’t work like that. It bites.

Of course I know it’s all my fault for dwelling on him, and that it’s dumb to show weakness. I’m supposed to act all strong and tough – pretend I feel nothing. But I’m not very good at hiding my feelings. That’s part of the whole problem – I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes, people don’t like what they see on that sleeve. Oh well.

I had one Ex tell me he isn’t built for relationships, because he always seems to hurt people. He’d decided to go eunuch. I took it as a sign that I’d put him off women. But I kind of feel like that now, like I’m not built for this love thing. Strange for a heart so full of love.

Did I even love him? I wasn’t with him long enough to love him, but I must have if it hurts this much a whole week later. I usually get over guys way faster than that. But that’s probably because all the other times, it was me that walked away. The one other time I got dumped, I had two weeks of silent treatment to get paranoid, cry like a dog, and prepare for the worst. So when he finally said, ‘let’s just be friends,’ I said, ‘Ok,’ and got a new date in three days. I actually still count him as a friend, and that’s saying a lot, because all my other exes range from blank indifference to regular sessions of imagicution.

Sad thing is … if any of them changed their minds and took me back, I’d just say no. I think I’m better on my own. And this time round, I’m learning to lie, so when I next get asked out, I’m claiming I’m a married lesbian. Some men love a challenge, and lying  beats drawing this kind of reaction.

I was watching Ally McBeal yesterday, the episode where she gets her theme song and has a kick-box-cat-fight with Georgia. I used to think I was a lot like Ally, searching for my perpetual love, knowing The One was with somebody else, having a sickeningly healthy friendship with his current while secretly wanting to smack her backwards. Yesterday, I felt sad making those comparisons, because I don’t believe in her anymore. And if she doesn’t really exist, then maybe I don’t exist either. I suppose that’s what started this whole thing. Or maybe it’s PMS.

Or maybe I just need a new theme song. Trouble is … all the music in my head is loud, angry, angstious, and filled with guitars. Now there’s an idea…

♫ Gone forever ♫ Three Days Grace ♫