This morning, I wrote a long letter that I’ve been meaning to write. It took me about five hours, and as I typed, I looked back over two years of my life. It was a bit like being in my own pensieve, except I didn’t notice the effect until after I was done.

When I finished writing, I felt tired. I tried to shake it off with a hot shower, but there’s no water in the taps. Fcuk. I remember reading about catharsis, or rather, the false lure of catharsis. Pop psychology tells us letting things out will make us feel better. The article claims that assumption is wrong, and I agree. Reliving the pain didn’t dull it or take it away. It just stung more.

I went onto my Twitter timeline to cheer up, but every link I clicked on felt sad and hollow. I can’t tell if the work was bad or whether I was looking at them through doom-coloured glasses. I’m glad I wrote that letter, but I wish didn’t feel so awful after the fact. It forced me to look at my past, and to wonder who really was to blame. It all made me very, very sad.

Yesterday, as I was going to the kitchen for something or other, I saw Princess change the channel. She usually does that when she’s watching something I don’t want her to see. Before I could ask, she explained.

“Mummy, that one isn’t for you. Utaanza kuwikawika hapa.”


“The crazy boys have raped Donna. Don’t worry, I didn’t see them removing her clothes. But I don’t want you to watch. You’ll start crying crying over here.”

I couldn’t move for a while. She risked putting the show back on and I saw Ira all bandaged up and trying to console Donna, who had literally frozen from the trauma of gang rape. Princess was watching, unperturbed. She’s 8.

“Why do you like watching those things?”

“It’s not real. It’s acting.”

“But si it can happen in real life?”

“No! If boys try to rape me, I’ll kick them and choma them with paraffin.”


“You see mum! That’s why I didn’t want you to watch. I knew you would start crying-crying.”

I’m sensitive to rape. Very sensitive. Even fictional rape will haunt me for ages, so I can never watch Don’t mess with an Angel and those two scenes in The Book of Eli had me sobbing and shaking convulsively. My little girl knows this. I’m not sure how she knows it. I must have lectured her about it. I tell her almost every day not to take sweets from strangers or to let boys force her, but I’ve never used the word rape.

I didn’t get to the kitchen. I went back to my room all zombified. I couldn’t understand how my little girl decides that soaps are fiction but adverts are real. I remember her telling me to buy a ceiling fan, a big basin, and Sunlight 2-in-1 so that she could blow bubbles and make them into flowers like the ad. I tried explaining that it wasn’t real, but she said we should prove it by trying.

It’s an interesting world where children believe in ads more than they do in fiction. I’m pretty sure I was the other way around. I’m flattered – in a way – that my baby wants to protect me. Like many other things between us, it makes me wonder who’s the adult and who’s the kid. And I suppose my mood right now could be as much from the gang rape as it is from my letter.

Or maybe it’s just PMS. I wish I could curl up in a corner and just wait for it to pass.

18 thoughts on “Coloured sunglasses

  1. Just to be sure, a pensieve is the thing from harry potter right? The one with the silver memories. And how many pages does a 5 hour letter go for?

  2. Yep, I’m a big Harry Potter fan 🙂 And as for the number of pages … heheheh let’s just say I titled the letter ‘A novel by Crystal Ading’ *cheeky grin*

  3. harry porter me too, i hated the way the divided the last one, they stole my money hehe cant wait for part b, as for kids, they scare the hell out of me, especialy my son.

  4. @Pitz haven’t seen any of the movies after Harry Potter 2. I prefer the books and my imagination. Plus, every time I read, I can see Daniel Radcliffe and the rest inside my head 🙂

  5. You ought to be able to run the business sans worrying too much about
    its financial aspect. We use only the best of encrypted technology to make sure there are no breaches of your private information.
    Understand that when you enter a major tax franchise or chain your taxes are most likely being prepared by a trained.

    Review my homepage Fort Lauderdale CPAs

  6. When you go with selecting a properly credited relocation firm, make no
    mistake – they’re going to be following correct practices as
    well as safe guards to make sure your personal possessions show up safely and
    in good condition. These are the small distance shifting companies offer their good quality services within the city or in range of 50 to 70
    km distance. The movers also must protect consumers’ goods by maintaining
    cargo liability insurance, workers’ compensation insurance, and
    bodily injury and property damage insurance.

    Feel free to surf to my page: interstate moving companies nashville tn

  7. May I simply say what a comfort to discover
    someone that actually knows what they’re discussing on the web.

    You certainly understand how to bring an issue
    to light and make it important. More people need to look at this and understand this side of your story.
    It’s surprising you aren’t more popular since you surely possess
    the gift.

  8. Excellent way of explaining, and good piece of writing to obtain facts concerning my presentation subject,
    which i am going to deliver in school.

  9. I think this is one of the most significant information for me.
    And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The website style is wonderful,
    the articles is really excellent : D. Good job, cheers

  10. My coder is trying to convince me to move to .net from
    PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses.

    But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on a variety of
    websites for about a year and am concerned about switching to another platform.
    I have heard good things about Is there a
    way I can transfer all my wordpress posts into it? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  11. Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board
    and I find It really useful & it helped me out a lot. I hope to give something back and aid others like you helped me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.