Binyavanga says seeing is noticing, and I smile every time I realise he’s right. Like when I look at this one boy. I knew he was pretty the first time I saw him, but he’s kind of distant and off-putting. I’ve had my share of deep, broody types, so I’m not about to go poking about in his psychie. I’m quite content to sigh from afar. But it turns out I’m watching a lot more closely than I realised.
I’m not blogging as much as I’d like, and I’m not entirely sure why. Too much going on I guess. Or maybe it’s that I’m writing so much for work that I forget to do it for fun. It’s the same with my twitter stream. I used to enjoy talking to people, having conversations, getting tidbits and snippets on stuff. But lately I mostly just talk to myself. My timeline has become like one of those twegomaniacs who think no one else exists, and that’s a little sad. I’ve tried to improve it by making lists, and we’ll see how well that works. Until then, I shall keeping randomly passive aggressive-ing and asking vaguely work related question like, you know, how to convert YouTube video to iTunes audio. Thanks @KevDaNative, and you too @KaulVimal. You’re my heroes. And that’s the second time a Twitter question has been resolved by someone sitting right next to me. It’s cool … but it’s also worrying.
My friend Z visited this weekend. She’s a beautiful person, in so many different ways. I don’t see her as often as I’d like because … well … I have issues. I assume that if I keep asking to see you and you keep saying no, then it’s a personal rejection. Plus, I hate to impose myself on people, or to feel dependent on them. It never occurs to me that this is Nairobi and people are busy, and that’s it’s not always about me. So after a while, I simply stop asking, and I’ve lost a lot of friends that way.
Anyway, when I heard an unexpected knock this Saturday, I thought about not answering. Who wants visitors anyway? And when will people learn to call first? Still, I opened the door, grumbles and all, and was so glad to see her. I’ve promised to put her on leash so she doesn’t stay away so long, and to drown my self-despising tendencies long enough to seek her out when she does. Then maybe someday, I’ll extend the temporary lack of self-loathing to all my other friends.
In addition to her loveliness, Z brought a much appreciated car ride for Princess and the baby, and she came with shopping and goodies like strawberry black tea and Sossi Soya! Whod’a thunk fake meat could taste so good?!? Thank you Z, you totally made my day in so many different ways. I don’t have many friends, but I’m eternally grateful that the few I have are good.
I’m constantly being told not to overanalyse things, and I always respond with a snap. It’s not like I decide that I will now sit and think. Well, okay, sometimes I do. But mostly I’m just sitting somewhere doing something and my mind goes off by itself, and by the time I get it back, it’s been running for miles and miles. But once
in a while, the scope of things is too wide to analyse, so I give up and spend twelve hours watching Big Bang Theory. I’m in a place like that now, and I find that I worry a lot less. I want to think I’m getting older and wiser, and that I’m realising things are never that serious. I want to think I can enjoy my happiness and let the consequences take care of themselves. I want to think that in five years from now, this ish will all be easier. But for now, I’ll settle for a chat, a smile, and the words to my latest favourite song.
♫ Promises promises ♫ Incubus ♫