I had my first cigarette today. Well, technically, it was my second. My first ciggie was almost ten years ago. My baby was asleep in the bedroom, and her dad suggested I should have a smoke. He figured I should just give it a try. After all, he said, who knew what I was missing? So I lit up an Embassy Menthol. I managed to do it without coughing. I suppose it’s because I didn’t inhale. I just took it in my mouth and then blew it out again. I’m not sure how I knew to do that – it might have been because of his advice. I did feel relaxed afterwards, and I thought I looked, really, really cool. I wondered why I hadn’t smoked before. There isn’t a particular reason – I just never had the interest. He suggested he would get me some vanilla in my smokes – he knew all about my sweet tooth.

Today, I felt stressed for no real reason. I think it’s just a pile-up of everything. There are moments in this life when it just seems the world is closing in on you. Earlier this week, I thought I’d kill my demons with mad sex. Today, I thought about a cigarette. So I tried to bum one off a pal, but he wouldn’t give me any, so I went to the kiosk. Another pal suggested I get Dunhill. It’s a pretty little ciggie, all white and classy, for only 7 bob.

I thought that I would feel better, all rested and relaxed. But again, I didn’t inhale. It just went in an out. It kept me from embarrassment and coughing, but I didn’t get the therapy I needed. Stunk up my breath though, and my t-shirt smells like smoke. Plus, it’s out of my system now, unless I just go nuts and look for weed.

When I got into advertising, I promised myself I wouldn’t pick a habit. No, that’s not completely true. I just hoped and hoped and hoped it wouldn’t happen, and so far, it hasn’t. But sometimes, you just want to go far, far away, and hide inside yourself, and if you can’t, you hide in other things.

I’m not really worried though. I know this too shall pass. I have a great life. I do work that I love, I have beautiful child[ren], I have a pretty house and an angel of a mboch, and my hair is just perfect! My life is good. When I came back from buying smokes, I saw the red X6. It was a KBJ. I’m going to drive that car one day. I don’t really know how, but I will.

But for today, I will go and have some burgers with my friend. We will talk, and we will smile, and we will feel all better. We’ll have cake and sweets and chocolate, and then we’ll go home to the babies, and someday soon, when we wake up, all the craziness and pain will be far, far away. Also, no more ciggies. They don’t really help.