Few words give me as much pain as these *pointing up there*. Especially when said words are uttered by a male that I find attractive. And especially when said male is sneering at my miniscule portions while he tucks into the massive globs of succulence on his plate. Sigh. Of course, there’s another set of words that can cause even more pain, regardless of who says them. “You’ve grown so BIG!” You know, I hadn’t really noticed that! Thank you for reminding me. *russumfussumnotsosmalltalk*

Cannelloni

Here’s the thing. I love food. I wouldn’t say I’m a foodie, but I do love food. And I love my food in large portions. Maybe that’s why few things flatter me more than a man commenting on my eating habits. I’ve had guys say they love to watch me eat, and that they like a woman with a healthy appetite. That gets me blushing more than any other set of adjectives combined. But here’s the problem. The same men that compliment how much I eat will turn around and talk about how big I’ve become. Make up your minds, will you?!?

I guess it’s not really fair to blame guys. They don’t know what it takes for girls to keep in shape. It’s like when the neighbour saw my baby’s hair. We were at the salon, and she was halfway through her cornrows. He saw her, whistled, then loudly told his friends – in fluent sheng no less – how gorgeous her hair was, and how he wished grown-up women had hair like that.

My baby, the hairdresser, and I all rolled our eyes and grinned. Because for the princess to have her hair like that, she had cried for hours over the plaiting. She was only smiling because she was currently on a break. Also, the hair had previously spent several hours in straightening chemicals to make it soft enough for cornrows. Of course this could lead to an entirely different debate about the natural hair thing and just when the short afro got sexy again, but that’s a blog post for another day. Today, we’re whinge-ing about weight.

Painful braiding

I understand that some people are big-boned, and that others have ant-like metabolism. I understand that some people can keep their weight down effortlessly, while some of us only have to think about cookies and the pounds pile on. I’ve been off-and-on diets for as long as I can remember, and have tried a million different exercise regimes (for about five minutes at a time).

I often look back at my weight map, and the only times I’ve been slim were when I simply wasn’t eating. From Age Zero to Ten, I apparently didn’t like food, and had to be force-fed or end up on the IV drip – both of which happened repetitively. From age 19 to 20, I was at a university that had terrible menus (no meat, no caffeine) so I subsisted on Sprite and mandazis sandwiched with fried eggs. From age 22 to 24 I lived on hardly any income and sometimes stole onions and spinach from the neighbour’s garden and fried them kavu to feed my princess. At all other ages and stages, I weighed in at roughly 80kgs.

Fortunately, those 80kgs are mostly bone, so despite trying to break the scales, I get yelled at whenever I try a new exercise or diet, because the excess weight simply doesn’t show! Hence the sneers from attractive male specimens with big plates. The thing is … I generally eat like a guy, and am quite proud of my king-sized appetite. Unfortunately, eating until I’m full is SO bad for my BMI. At least that’s what my four different doctors say. Sigh.

Insanity Tweet

Weetabix Tweet

In an ideal world, I’d have a healthy relationship with food. I’d eat whatever I want without beating myself up with guilt afterwards. I’d revel in my ice cream and chocolate and salads (?).Or – at the very least – I’d enjoy exercise enough to do it consistently and keep my weight controlled. I wouldn’t look for sneaky ways to fit the fifteen minute rule, tricking my tummy into thinking it’s full. Sneaky ways like stopping in mid-meal to make a long phone call, or heating my food beyond scorching so that it takes ten minutes for each spoonful to cool.

But in this world, I watch fitness videos and drool at the gorgeous man eating canelloni, a dish that sounded interesting enough to Google. I secretly watch him nibbling at his dish now that I’ve finished my fist-sized portion of brown rice and peas. And as I watch, I ask myself how weird it would be if I walked over, gave him a smile, pointed at his massive bowl of stuffed pasta, and asked, ‘Are you going to finish that?’ Because from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t really look like he will.

Nataka niwe wako ♫ Maunda Zorro ♫

124 thoughts on “Kwani you’re on a diet?

  1. This is the proper weblog for anybody who desires to seek out out about this topic. You notice a lot its virtually onerous to argue with you (not that I actually would need匟aHa). You definitely put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Nice stuff, just nice!

  2. I wanted to develop a brief word so as to express gratitude to you for these unique ideas you are sharing on this site. My extended internet investigation has at the end been rewarded with reasonable knowledge to talk about with my friends and family. I ‘d mention that we website visitors actually are really lucky to be in a perfect website with very many awesome people with good tips and hints. I feel rather fortunate to have come across your website and look forward to many more enjoyable minutes reading here. Thanks a lot once again for everything.

  3. Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly return.

  4. Good day! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search Engine Optimization? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good results. If you know of any please share. Many thanks!

  5. magnificent post, very informative. I wonder why the other specialists of this sector do not notice this. You should continue your writing. I am confident, you’ve a huge readers’ base already!

  6. Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn something like this before. So nice to seek out anyone with some authentic ideas on this subject. realy thanks for starting this up. this website is something that is needed on the web, somebody with a bit of originality. useful job for bringing something new to the web!

  7. Hi there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any trouble with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing months of hard work due to no back up. Do you have any solutions to prevent hackers?

  8. Awsome article and right to the point. I am not sure if this is truly the best place to ask but do you guys have any thoughts on where to employ some professional writers? Thank you 🙂

  9. I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented in your post. They’re very convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for novices. Could you please extend them a little from next time? Thanks for the post.

  10. Do you have a spam problem on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was curious about your situation; we have developed some nice practices and we are looking to swap solutions with other folks, why not shoot me an email if interested.

  11. One other issue issue is that video games can be serious as the name indicated with the key focus on learning rather than leisure. Although, we have an entertainment aspect to keep your kids engaged, just about every game is often designed to work with a specific experience or area, such as math or scientific disciplines. Thanks for your article.

  12. I’m still learning from you, while I’m making my way to the top as well. I certainly liked reading everything that is posted on your website.Keep the tips coming. I enjoyed it!

  13. hello there and thank you for your info – I’ve certainly picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise a few technical points using this website, since I experienced to reload the site many times previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK? Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will sometimes affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Well I’m adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of your respective interesting content. Make sure you update this again very soon..

  14. Great – I should definitely pronounce, impressed with your website. I had no trouble navigating through all tabs and related information ended up being truly easy to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it at all. Reasonably unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or anything, website theme . a tones way for your client to communicate. Excellent task.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.