Fed up

Everybody has a breaking point, and today, I reached mine. I have ranted about breaking down before, but that was different. That was pure biology. My system was simply telling me it was time to shut down and crash.

This time the break was external. The pressure piled, the hits kept coming, and in the end, I just reached … well … the end. So I stopped trying.

I felt pretty bad for a while, felt selfish, heartless and inhuman. And they probably felt that way too. But one person’s right is always, always, always the other person’s left, and this time, I had to do what was right for me. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

I realise these are strong words for me. It’s a strong sentiment. But sometimes, you just have to walk away. Fi does have it’s advantages, and this time, I’m tapping in.

I’ve always been afraid of my friends that have Fi, and the way they sometimes go all cold and detached. I didn’t know what to do with it. I called it mean, cruel, pretended not to care, even though it wounded me deep.

But today I’ve done the exact same thing. I’ve put my needs over someone else’s. Someone asked for my help and I didn’t give it, couldn’t give it. It just wasn’t in me. It would take all that I am to try, and I just don’t have ‘all that I am’ today. I haven’t had it for a long time.

So I’ve walked away. Maybe I’ll make it another day, but I doubt it. I think it’s a turning point, a milestone in the road that is my life. For a while I felt it was a bad milestone. I felt I’d betrayed my integrity, that I’d gone against ‘all that I am’ and that I’d never forgive myself.

Well guess what, eff that. I need to breathe. I expect way too much of myself, so I’m cutting myself some slack for once. And you know what, it feels pretty damn good. Cold, iced even, but still good.

Hm. I wonder what the little NFP gremlin inside me will do next. I guess I’ll wait and see.

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Liquibrium

I’m looking for a love equilibrium.

I loved a man once. I don’t anymore. Loving him was pain, because he never loved me back. Or maybe he just never loved me enough. I’m gone now, and he’s realised all that I was. I am beautiful and special, as most people are. And I haven’t changed. What does he see now that he didn’t see then?

Ulinikataa bila sababu, ulininyanyasa bila aibu.

Nimepata mwingine tabibu, sasa wanifatafata nini?

This person is pulling ridiculously drastic stunts, including pleading with my family, and even calling up my father. I don’t see why, and I don’t really care. I have consistently ignored him for a long, long time. I am not impressed. I am not flattered. I just want him to go away. In the words [and extremely catchy tune] of Ray C, I’ve moved on. Go away please.

I have other people in my life, lots of them, and it gets me thinking. Why is it always that the people we love don’t love us back? At least, not in the same way. In any interaction, there is always a boss and a slave. Well okay, a coach and a captain.

In friendships too, there is always one who values the other more. Why is that? And why is it that among my friends, the ones I  adore think I’m so-s0, and the ones that dote on me are just cool, fun, or tolerable in my eyes? Does this make me awful, or am I simply human?

I am a pretty intense person, and it doesn’t take much for me to love someone. There are people in my life who I worship. Not in a blasphemous way. It’s just that every time I meet them, see their texts, hear their voices or receive their emails, my face lights up and I smile. But to them, I am just another pal. They probably wouldn’t notice if I … well, if I wasn’t there.

Inversely, there are people who shower me with affection. Whenever I’m in their presence, I feel like a queen. I am venerated almost like Princess Di. I often wonder just what it is they see to make them care so much. Yet to me they are just ordinary people whose company I enjoy. I wouldn’t exactly  be shattered if they moved to another country. I’d miss them, think about them on occasion, call them once in a while, but I wouldn’t really feel the pinch. Is it cruel that I feel this way?

Why is it that I don’t adore these people as they adore me? I admit I’m lazy, I don’t like to work at things. I prefer stuff that comes on reflex, and the only reason I push myself so hard at work is because I love it, it’s so easy for me, completely effortless. I like friendships like that, ones that I don’t have to work at, ones that just come.

So I value people that I enjoy instinctively. I thrive in unions like these, and I seek them. I get so jazzed when I find them, and I don’t find them nearly often enough. Once or twice I’ve come close to the perfect liquibrium – or rather friquibrium – the perfect 50-50 friend, the one with whom I am as easy as they are with me, the one whom I give as much as I receive. Both times, the feeling faded and I soon felt like I was forcing things, like I was drowning them with care, so I pulled back.

Other times I think I’ve found ‘it’, but then it’s pendulibrium. Some days I need them more, some days they need me more, some days I wonder what the hell I’m doing.

I picked this weird habit as a kid. I felt that everybody wanted something from me, even if they didn’t know what that something was yet. And when they got what they wanted, they would hurt me.

So if I felt I loved someone one too much, I simply walked away. That way, they couldn’t leave me and hurt me. I do that with all my friendships. If I feel like I need you more than you need me, then I simply go away. So the pendulibrium friends are confusing, coz with them, it’s a constant case of pulling back and coming forth, and not in a good way. It’s too much!

I have three girlfriends that are in a class of their own. I would trust them with my life, and one I trust with my child. I do tell them how I feel sometimes, but not often, and I don’t know if they really understand what they are to me. I guess I’m afraid to jinx it. We live far away, so we don’t see each other as much as we should. I go for yonks without seeing, yet when I do, it’s like we just parted yesterday. I hope I never lose my three favourite girls. So just for the record, Z, J and U, you guys are the best, and I’d be lost without you. See, now you have it in writing *grin*

Then of course, sometimes, for no reason at all, I just get tired of people. I just feel like I don’t want them around anymore. Now that I think about it, there’s always a trigger, and I admit, it’s been a while since I just got bored of anyone. I guess I’m growing up.

I am an adult, and I am me, so I am making a choice. I’m following Qqu’s advice – mpende akupendaye. I am looking round my circle, spotting the people that care for me, and choosing to love them the same way. I am counting my friends, and giving them what they deserve.

Unrequited love is overrated, it’s bad for your health too. And while unconditional love is superb, it’s totally tiring me out, so I’m saving it for my God, my family, and my baby. From now on, I’m engaging fully in cold mode, I’m looking out for me. From here on out, you can call me ice, you can call me a bitch, but me, here, I  only give as good as I get.

So if I tell you to go away, please go away. And if I choose to love you, well, I’m glad, coz it means that in my eyes at least, you’re totally worth it.

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I need a pause button

I was a huge fan of Ally Mcbeal in the first two or three seasons. I sort of saw myself through her. Well, so did every girl in my high school, but of course I thought she was just so me!

We had endless arguments of ‘I am the real Ally Mcbeal’. That’s what you get when you take 300 bright chicks, lock them up with 50-something nuns, and tell them that boys are devil spawn.

Especially when said boys like to jog past your dorm windows at 5.00 a.m. singing rugby songs and calling particular girls by name. For some strange reason the girl[s] in question would then face the wrath of the nuns and their minions. Like it was somehow her fault that 50 devil spawned rugby players know her middle name…

[Note, that wasn’t me **grin**]

But I digress. My point was I have a lot of Mcbealesque … traits. And a few wannabe traits too. For example, how I wish I could wear her hankie skirts. But alas, le sigh, no guts, no heels [knock knees], no glory.

My first Ex used to say I remind him of Ally. I’m not sure it was a compliment, but hey, I can be naively positive when it suits me, and right now, it suits me. So I say muchos gracias.

[Eeeeeeew, Six pence none the richer’s ‘Kiss me’ in what sounds like Japanese!! Creepy!!]

One of my Mcbealesque-isms is to wish my life had a soundtrack, just like hers. My theme song would be … never mind that. I do sometimes hear songs in my head and dance to them, and I often lol to jokes no one else can hear. Probably a little-known effect of living in headphones, yes?

But more than a soundtrack, what my life really needs is a pause button. You know, some switch-controlled mechanism to freeze me before I do something stupidly CB. Because, clearly, not everything can be explained away by being INFJ. Sometimes, my blonde moments are just down to me being me.

[PS: Simple Plan singing a Beatles song inside my headphones is really very disturbing. **puzzled frown**]

Okay. So, let’s put this in a way I can comprehend. As an INFJ, my least developed function is Se. Extroverted sensing. That’s the spontaneity gene, the one that does stuff that feels good, just because. This is the function that rules impulse. It is also the one that strikes me least often, since I’m pretty solid and structured, and plan my actions months, sometimes years in advance.

But once in a while, I get the impulse to do something that would otherwise be considered stupid. Like call a boy four times. Yeah, I know.

See, I am not wooing this boy. I don’t do that anymore. No wait, I need to explain this in a little more detail. There are actually several boys involved. None of whom I am wooing. Some are new friends. Some are old friends. Some are almost friends. One is a boss. But they are all boys, and girls are generally not supposed to call boys. It makes them look, you know, stupid. Because boys are used to making the first move. They are used to calling girls, for whatever reason. So when a girl calls them up, 2 times out of 3, it is a booty call.

Enter me, who routinely calls boys because, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I have endless reasons for calling boys. I called one boy because I wanted to hear his voice, and because we have the same tariff and I had two hours of tariff-specific free talktime. I don’t know anyone else on that tariff … and we sorta-kinda had a thing … and I had to use the free minutes, they’d expire in seven days!

I called another boy because he called me then mysteriously got disconnected. Maybe he ran out of credit. Or network. What, don’t look at me like that. He had something I wanted. Head out of gutter please, it wasn’t like that.

Then I called the boss boy because he said I could call him anytime, and I needed his email, you know, to avoid giving off the wrong impression with endless cell calls.

I called a third [um.. fourth?] boy because he’s one of my best friends and we hadn’t talked in ages, and I wanted to bully him into doing something for me. Mweheheh. He never commented on the **ahem *ahem *several* cough ** missed calls. I called yet another boy because I needed advice, and it wasn’t the kind of thing you can ask on text.

So yeah, I routinely call boys. No, it’s not that I have a lot of credit, it’s just that sometimes I need to use my cellphone. Mind you I rarely get called myself. I never actually know where my phone is because if I’m not dialling, then it’s not active. That’s why I get so jazzed when a boy actually spends talktime on me.

Again, I digress. My point here is about flawed logic. See, I’m a handbag person. And a shoe person, as I recently realised. Which means I can’t resist a pretty bag or a neat pair of [mostly flat] shoes. My handbags are extreme. They’re either really tiny or really huge. And they are always always full of junk. Finding something in my handbag is like hunting for easter eggs.

As a result, the few times I get a phonecall, I have to scavenge my bag for ages before I give up and empty all the contents in search of my phone. Then I have to figure out which of the two identical phones [Nokia 1210 I think, the black one with the torch?] is ringing. So I usually pick my phone on the twelfth ring. Or I find the caller has given up so I call back.

Hence, I am very patient when I call people. If you don’t pick, I will assume you are rummaging in your bag, so I will call again. Then I will assume you have left your phone somewhere, so I will text. Then I will assume you forgot to respond, so an hour later, I will call again.

Then at some point it will eventually hit me that when someone, especially a boy, comes in from wherever, and sees four missed calls and two texts, they are probably thinking stalker alert!!

Eventually the person will text to explain why they didn’t take the call and what do I do? I immediately call again. And they don’t answer. It is at that point that I realise that perhaps calling is not such a good idea, yeah? Yet a few minutes later my itchy fingers will be dialling some other person’s number. This has happened four times in the last 24 hours … with four different people! Tsk tsk. This is not a good day for phonecalls, clearly.

Oh well, at least I am earning bonga points, yeah?

In related news, somebody needs to invent some kind of frequent flyer scheme for Safaricom and Zantel. Seriously. And I don’t mean postpaid…

PS: The police in Dar have issued a memo to international companies, banks et al warning about a gang of violent robbers. There have been three armed robberies in my hood in the last three months, and that’s a lot for Dar, where we mostly get petty thefts, and where any unusual crime is blamed on Kenyans. This time, the cops have stated clearly that the said gang includes Kenyans, and have issued hotlines for info leading to their arrest. For someone living and working in Dar, it just got that much harder to be Kenyan.

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