I’m of those people that thinks love hurts, so I try to keep it out of my way. Unfortunately, I’m also one of those cynical romantics with a massive heart and an overwhelming capacity for affection. Also, I don’t ‘fight for love.’ You don’t have to fight for what’s yours. But … I’m realising there’s a difference between ‘fighting’ and ‘working’. Because love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. And sometimes, it takes a lot of effort to stick with what you chose, especially after the ‘feeling’ dies.

Sometimes, my seeming polarities confuse me. Because while I often come off as the warmest person in the room, I’m probably the coldest. I’ve always preferred to see myself as friendly but private, welcoming but isolated, a charming misanthropist.

But I’ve been exploring my psyche, with a lot of help from my best friend, and I’ve found that I really don’t care about people. My ‘niceness’ is a way to make up for that. In the past, people have accused me of being a ‘pretender’ and I took offense at that. Deep offense.

And yet … they were right. I need to see myself as nice. I need to feel morally superior. Because in my heart and soul, being ‘nice’ makes up for not giving a fuck about people in general. And I suppose that’s the worst form of pretending, because when the person realises I’ve stopped being ‘nice’, they start to wonder what they did to offend me.

Unrelated, romantic love isn’t the only thing that has a honeymoon. Other relationships do too. At work, at home, in platony … they all have a period where everything is sunshine and rainbows. That season lasts about 3 months, and then real life sets in. I’m realising that, because it explains my struggles in the past few weeks. One of my most important (non-romantic) relationships has hit a point where I have to work.

Because it was so easy before, I thought this forced labour meant the relationship was broken, and that it was only a matter of time before it faded away. Fortunately, my beloved is tenacious and kind, in the tough-love type of way, so we’ve agreed to both do the work. It’s not easy, but he’s worth it.

I suppose that’s what you really have to ask when you find yourself in that position. Is this person, this job, this situation … is it worth it? And am I gaining from it? Is there still value in this? That’s what he asked me. ‘Do you still see value in this? Because as long as you do, then we need to fight for this.’

That second portion is really important – the value. Because a lot of people in dangerous, abusive situations due to a mistaken conviction that it’s worth it. And you cant decide for someone when it’s time to go. Only they can do that.

Believe me, I know. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I took my child and left. And until someone gets to that point, no amount of begging and pleading will move them. They might get out of the abusive physical space, but until they’ll fully ready, they’ll just keep coming back.

In my case, he makes me happy, and he makes me better. And even when he’s making me sad, he still makes me better. Yes, I realise it’s unhealthy to make someone else the reason for your happiness or sadness. You’re supposed to be your own reason for sit. But here we are, and I love him for it.

My current situation isn’t abusive. It’s not even romantic. It’s just challenging. This deep meaningful, platonic personhood used to be effortless and easy, but now it’s hard, and it hurts. A lot. It’s also one of the most important relationships in my life. And I still see the value, so as hard as it it, I’m putting in the work. It feels good to know that I’m not working alone.

♫ Nowhere fast ♫ Mary J Blige ♫

126 thoughts on “Love is work”

  2. Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search Engine Optimization? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good gains. If you know of any please share. Thank you!

  5. I got what you mean , appreciate it for posting .Woh I am glad to find this website through google. “Those who corrupt the public mind are just as evil as those who steal from the public.” by Theodor Wiesengrund Adorno.

  7. You can definitely see your enthusiasm within the paintings you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe. At all times go after your heart.

  8. I have to express appreciation to this writer just for bailing me out of such a setting. After scouting through the the net and meeting strategies which are not beneficial, I figured my life was well over. Living minus the approaches to the issues you’ve solved through your entire report is a critical case, as well as ones which could have negatively affected my career if I hadn’t noticed the blog. Your own competence and kindness in taking care of a lot of stuff was excellent. I am not sure what I would have done if I had not discovered such a stuff like this. It’s possible to now look forward to my future. Thank you very much for this professional and sensible help. I will not be reluctant to propose your blog to anyone who would need guide on this problem.

  9. Hi! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my good old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!

  10. I’m pretty pleased to discover this website.
    I need to to thank you for ones time due to this wonderful read!!
    I definitely enjoyed every bit of it and I have you saved
    to fav to check out new stuff in your site.

  11. Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?

  12. Hello there, I found your web site by means of Google while searching for a comparable topic, your website came up, it seems to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

  13. Howdy very nice web site!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Wonderful .. I’ll bookmark your site and take the feeds also…I am happy to search out so many helpful information here within the publish, we need develop more strategies on this regard, thank you for sharing.

  15. Simply desire to say your article is as astounding. The clearness in your post is simply nice and i can assume you are an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your RSS feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.

  16. I’m not sure why but this weblog is loading extremely slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end? I’ll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.

  17. whoah this weblog is magnificent i really like studying your posts. Keep up the good paintings! You know, a lot of people are hunting round for this information, you could aid them greatly.

  18. Good ¡V I should certainly pronounce, impressed with your web site. I had no trouble navigating through all the tabs as well as related info ended up being truly easy to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it at all. Reasonably unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or something, website theme . a tones way for your client to communicate. Nice task..

  19. Hi, Neat post. There’s an issue together with your site in web explorer, would test this… IE still is the marketplace leader and a big component to folks will omit your great writing because of this problem.

  20. You made some decent points there. I looked on the internet for the subject and found most individuals will approve with your blog.

  21. We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with helpful information to work on. You have performed a formidable job and our entire neighborhood might be grateful to you.

  23. I am really loving the theme/design of your web site.

    Do you ever run into any web browser compatibility issues?
    A few of my blog audience have complained about my blog not working correctly in Explorer but
    looks great in Safari. Do you have any solutions to help fix this problem?

  24. Excellent goods from you, man. I have be aware your stuff prior to and you are simply too fantastic. I actually like what you have received right here, certainly like what you’re stating and the best way during which you say it. You make it entertaining and you continue to take care of to stay it smart. I cant wait to learn far more from you. This is actually a terrific website.

  25. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. That is a really smartly written article. I’ll make sure to bookmark it and return to learn extra of your useful info. Thank you for the post. I’ll certainly comeback.

  26. I’ll immediately grab your rss as I can’t find your e-mail subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Kindly permit me recognize so that I may subscribe. Thanks.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *