3CB

Pointless break-ups are the worst. You find someone you care about, and you know they care about you, but somehow it doesn’t work out. Nobody cheated. Nobody lied. You didn’t grow apart. You didn’t change. But somehow, some way, you didn’t end up together.

Then you see him with someone else, and you have to know, need to know. Why her? Why not me? And whenever you ask that question, it brings chaos. For some inexplicable reason, your ex gets all defensive. Why should they? It’s a fairly simple question. What does she have that I don’t?

Maybe the reason the ex gets defensive is that he doesn’t know. All he knows is he wants her and he doesn’t want you. There doesn’t have to be a reason for it. Sometimes, things just happen. Think of that person you friend-zoned. What was so wrong with them? Nothing really. You simply weren’t attracted to them, and chances are you didn’t know why.

It’s tempting to compare yourself with your ex’ new beau. You think there must be something wrong with you, that you must be the problem. And it’s painful when the break-up was so amorphous that you don’t know what to fix. Here’s the thing though. ‘What if’ is a dangerous, endless game, and if you value your sanity, you’ll try not to play it.

I was watching THS yesterday, and it featured Mario Lopez. He’s hot. The girl he was dating was equally hot. So when they broke up, it couldn’t have been a case of greener pastures. Mario says he doesn’t like to talk about his personal stuff, and when he was pressed, he said, ‘Sometimes, relationships just don’t work out.”

You might never know why your ex picked her over you, and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. It’s easier to just let it go, find someone else, and let the dead [relationships] bury their own dead. After all, this was just one person in 7 billion. That leaves you 6,999,999,999 to choose from.

♫ Payphone ♫ Maroon 5 ♫

Me and my princess love the beach. Over Christmas, we were lucky to get a house at Bamburi, so we were basking and swimming pretty much all day. The thing about the beach at Christmas is that there are a LOT of people there. So we learnt to come early and swim far away from the crowd.

Once in a  while, something will totally take you by surprise. In my case, it usually a hot boy smiling at me. I think I’m so involved in my idea of who I am that I sometimes don’t notice things right in front of me, like, you know, the hot boy staring. Like just this morning, I saw this boy watching me from right across the street. I suppose I should have smiled and said hi, but I assumed he was looking at someone behind me. Too bad,  he was kind of hot. I think for me to notice that a hot boy is checking me out, he’d have to whack me on the head with a mallet. Preferably a softy, cushy one, or I’m likely to break his nose.

Anyway, the beach. I saw this gorgeous man swimming a few metres away. He had a blue wetsuit, caramel skin, pale brown dreads, and really pretty eyes. I didn’t want him to catch me staring, so I focused on conversing with the princess. She knows me pretty well, so she gives me this look like ‘what the hell, mum?!’ but I ignored it and kept babbling about nothing.

The next time I looked up, pretty boy was right next to me. I don’t know where he came from, or how he got there. He spoke to me. He actually spoke to me! I have no idea what he said, but the words ‘Sister Dredd’ were involved. Then he flashed me the most gorgeous smile.

At this point, the ideal response would have been to smile back and start up a conversation. But I was too busy freezing and blushing, oh the shame of it all. So he smiled again, and swam away, while I grabbed onto my little girl’s floater and tried not to faint.

The princess shook me from my stupor by splashing some sea water on my face, so I suppose I was grinning idiotically. “Mum, he’s hot, isn’t he?”

“Yes baby, he is.”

“And you’re blushing.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Okay, we’ll talk about this at home. Let’s go.”

And just like that, my magic moment was over. I tried subtly looking around to see if I could spot him, but there were way too many people. Oh well. At least I had my fairytale for a few moments. Plus, I get this fuzzy warm feeling knowing that out of all the gorgeous women on the beach, the hot boy chose to notice me. Yay! Maybe next time, I’ll to be a little less frozen.

♫ In the Morning ♫ The Holding ♫

I can see how you would do that. We were both moving really fast, and we both had earphones on. Plus, I’m always being accused of snobbing people just because I didn’t see them. They say I have a purpose-driven stride, like I’m rushing off to fight some world-changing battle somewhere. We have that in common, you and I, so I get how you would walk right past and not see me.

You looked good today. Your head was shaved bald, and you had a tailored suit and a red tie. You’ve put on a little weight, but it’s a good look on you. Makes you seem all professional and grown up. The last time I saw you, you had shorts and a t-shirt … and you looked equally hot. You’re just one of those guys I guess.

A tiny part of me wonders if you saw me and just pretended not to, but I prefer not to think so. After all, I’m always being told to pay more attention when I walk, to smell the flowers, feel the breeze, see the hot boys smiling at me. So I can see how you would walk past and not see me.

I thought about shouting your name, but you had earphones on, so you probably wouldn’t have heard me. Besides, I had frozen in mid-step, and people were already staring, so yelling and being ignored would not have helped. I took out my phone to call you, but it hung. Stupid ideot. By the time it decided to function, you were way out of sight. You always had a really fast walk.

I texted you, just to say hi, and to compliment your tie. Then I walked on with a skip in my step and my phone in my hand, just in case you replied. You didn’t though, not until an hour later. There was no sentiment in your text. It was polite, gracious, and formal, almost business-like.

I like that it made me a little bit sad, instead of, you know, utterly debilitated. I like that my heart didn’t skip a beat or double when I saw you. I like that there was no urgency to cross the road and hug you, and say how much I’ve missed you. And I like that I don’t miss you nearly half as much as I used to.

I like that seeing you this morning made my day start with a smile, because a hot boy is always a good reason to smile. But I also like the knowledge that I gained. I like feeling like I can see you, and want you, and slowly walk away. I’m glad to know, finally know, that I’m over you.

♫ It’s been a while ♫ Staind ♫