3CB

There’s a cartoon I really liked when I was little. It was called Jem and the Holograms. I don’t remember much about it except that there was a computer called Synnergy, and there was a girl band whose members included Ashtin, Kimber, and Jem. Also, someone had pink hair. The reason they came to mind is that this week, I’m dealing in holograms. I recently landed the biggest side job I’ve ever applied for. And then … I lost it.

Here’s how it went. A former employer hired me do to some editorial work. It was a two week job, and paid more than I’ve ever received in one go. I was pretty excited about it. I was apprehensive as well, because dealing with this client had been draining in the past. But I figured I was now older, wiser, and more experienced. I would make it work.

Except I couldn’t. Two weeks, 29 excuses, and 3 extensions later, the contract has been terminated. It got to a point where the client was understandably fed up, and frankly, I don’t blame them. I’m surprised that they were patient with me for so long.

The reason I’m talking about holograms is I had plans. I had budgeted every last cent of that 200K. I knew where every shilling was going. Except now, it isn’t. They always tell you not to count your chickens before they’re hatched. It’s even wiser not to spend your cash before it’s chequed. Or something like that. So now that the holo-money has vapourized, I’m in a bit of a rut.

I suppose I’ve mourned the loss of this lovely huge paycheque. I denied that the work couldn’t be done, bargained for more time, got angry at myself for letting it slip, sank to some pretty low levels of disappointment, and finally settled for numb, dead acceptance. I don’t suppose it helped that I had personal issues to deal with. I buried myself in work to hide from all my ‘stuff’, but in the end, everything went south.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been up all night and all day getting work done, and in the end, I compromised on both. I was so sleepy at work that I snapped at everyone and barely wrote coherently. It’s a miracle I got anything sensible done. And I failed to deliver on the ‘night job’ despite endless trans-nighting and extensions. I seriously doubt I’ll take on such a big side job again. In fact, I’m considering dropping freelancing altogether and just raising chicken.

I have a friend who ran a successful freelance biz for years. She averaged 150K a month. Then she got a 9 to 5 that paid three times that much. She tried to keep the freelancing alive, but in the end, she had to let it go. She said it wasn’t possible to keep the two ‘men’ in her life happy. When I started my 9 to 5 at the agency, I told her I’d find a way to balance my primary and secondary jobs. She smiled and said she’d wait and see. I wonder if she’ll call to say ‘I told you so.’

I realized something about myself this week. I’m the type that runs away from things. A lot of people say I’m dependable, but I know that when the going gets really, really tough, I bail. I’ve always known that I delete blogs, twitter accounts, and email accounts when I get upset. I know that I rip manuscripts in fits of temper. I know that I summarily dismiss people from my life. But I didn’t think those things were related.

This week, I walked away from something that used to be really important to me. It made me feel fickle that something I held so dear suddenly meant nothing at all. I’ve done the same thing with friends and partners in the past. People who meant the world to me inadvertently said or did the wrong thing and got kicked out of my life. It’s not something to be proud of, but it’s something that I do. Frequently. It sometimes keeps me from making new friends, because at the back of my mind, I’m wondering how long it will be before I give them marching orders.

I’m floating in a semi-empty space today. I spent a few minutes meditating, just to clear my head. It didn’t really help. That’s something I’ve gotten into lately – energy healing and meditation. It’s making me wonder whether I’m in an experimental phase, doing things I never thought I’d do. I wonder what I’ll try next. Maybe I should make a list. For now, Pranic Healing fits. But then again, a lot of things fit before I ditch them.

I’m in a dark space right now. It’s been a while since I was here. Last night I danced with rock-bottom. But then I looked at my little girl. Sometimes she talks in her sleep, giving me a hug just when I need it, or saying just the right words. Times like that, I know she’s sending me a message from the angels, especially because she never remembers what she said in the morning.

I have a pattern of self sabotage when it comes to money. I land big projects then I do everything possible to screw them up. And while I’m doing it, I think I’m doing everything possible NOT to screw them up.

I realized the reason I keep doing this is I think I’m not worthy of being paid for my work. I’m ridiculously confident about my ability, so God knows why I would think I shouldn’t be paid for it, but I do. And I’m working on it. The next time I land a big job – because there will be a next time, I’ll do my due diligence. In the words of my latest side-gig-master, I’d rather turn work down than screw it up.

In the meantime, I’m going underground for a month. I’ve gotten a leave from the day-job, and given super-nanny the month off. Starting next Wednesday, all I plan to do is sleep, sleep, and sleep. I might take a few breaks to feed my baby, walk her to school, and watch crime documentaries, but other than that, me and bed are getting really tight. I could use the down time, and I intend to enjoy it. Now to see just how long the lethargy will last before I find a new way to drive somebody mad.

♫ She’s so gone ♫ Lemonade Mouth ♫

1. Withdrawing physical affection isn’t always about manipulation. It’s possible to be so mad at someone that you can’t bear to have them touch you.
2. It’s possible to have as much fun with people as I do when I’m alone. This weekend I hung out with 5 different friends in 5 different set-ups and had the most fun I’ve had in ages!
3. Lemonade Mouth is a really cool band. And So R@ndom is just so random!!
4. It is possible for a child to spend one hour inside a bouncy castle.
5. Aquamist sparkling water and Aquamist flavoured water are a bad, bad, bad idea.
6. T-spot raised their prices and shrank their milkshake glasses.
7. Blake Michael is such a beautiful boy. Too bad he’s only 14. Sigh.

There’s a roundabout in town – I think it’s on Racecourse Road – that gives me chills every time I go past it. It took a journey on Google Maps to get its exact name, but it has public toilets on it, and a banner announcing a computer college. On the other side of the roundabout, traffic cops direct Citi Hoppas and errant mathrees, but just beyond the cops’ view, nasty things happen.

As matatus round the bout (so to speak) people get robbed. What happens is the thugs pose as pedestrians trying to cross the street, then as the matatus slow to go round the bend, the thugs run after the car, hop onto one of the wheel caps, pull the window open, and grab a handbag, wallet, or phone. It happens so quickly that the victim barely has time to yell before the thief and their property is gone.

If you’ve been on that route long enough, you tense up as you approach the corner, and as you look out of the window, you sometimes stare straight into the eyes of a thug in waiting. The makangas are aware of it too, and sometimes they’ll yell a warning just as the car slows down. The warnings don’t always work.

What bothers me about Kona Mbaya is that the thugs have absolutely no fear of the cops, who are barely a metre away. They know the matatu won’t stop even if the victim raises an alarm, and even if it did, traffic is so heavy that there’s no hope of running after them. During one such robbery, the thugs were in a  large group of five or six. One of the thugs reached into the window and grabbed a phone. The victim held onto the phone, gripping it tightly, but the thug struggled and yanked the phone out of its owners hands. All this happened while the matatu was still moving, and the the thug was so confident that he didn’t even run away. He just stood there with his friends, staring at the matatu, almost daring the victim to get out and confront them. *shudder*

I’ve wanted to write this post for a long time, but I was looking for a positive light to shine on it. I haven’t found one yet. I keep coming back to how someone can grab your phone, something you probably saved up to buy, something that holds phone numbers, messages, and data that is worth much more than the thousands you spent on the phone. Then they’ll pawn it for a fraction of its price, spend the money on something trivial, and come back the next night to take someone else’s stuff.

Or maybe they grab your bag, ditch all your documents in some trash heap or alley, and you’ll be left spending weeks or months trying to get your papers back in order. You’ll lose photos and memories that may be irreplaceable while they’ll get nothing more than your fare home. Sometimes I wonder whether people like that have a conscience, and I remember reading a comment by a looter in a university demo. He said if his victims had nothing to steal, he wouldn’t steal from them.

I suppose that’s the attitude of the Kona Mbaya residents. They figure if we’re comfortable enough to have matatu fare, handbags, and phones, then they’re justified in stealing from us. I don’t have any solutions, condemnations, or suggestions. But if you’re anywhere near Kona Mbaya, keep your eyes on the window and your hands on your mobile phone and handbag.

In other news, Landmark is making me amazingly open to being a female. I’m finally at ease in my womanhood, and I’m taking etiquette classes to boost that. I had a mini-make-over a few weeks ago, and can now be seen in [sensible] heels and ‘cloth trousers’ at least three times a week. The heels are tricky because I keep forgetting that I’m not wearing sneakers, then I end up throwing my legs around and looking like a lost ostrich. I’ve learnt to do eye make-up, though I’m still navigating my way around foundation, lip pout, cleansers, and primers.

I’m coming out of myself more, because I realize that while I do enjoy being alone, I won’t get much done that way. Even great novelists need to go outside and meet their unborn characters. I’ve always been a little a lot afraid of girls, and the biggest thing I’ve taken from Landmark is that I have girlfriends now! I had a good friend come over and we talked and did our hair until 10.00 p.m. Another pal spent the afternoon with me and the princess watching cartoons and chatting.

I’ve got a girlfriend that I talk to for make-up tips. She’s a girl I’ve known since I was six years old but only just rediscovered, and now I can’t do without her. My other pal from high school has become my partner in … um … crime … and I feel disturbed if I go three days without speaking to her. I’m a lot more open to meet-ups with girls I’ve met online, and  I know I have some cleaning up from the past…

My favourite new friend and I talk on the phone almost every day, and we’re exploring a whole lot together, looking for healthy food options and discovering Vagina Monologues, Scrabble Haunts, and Sushi Bars. It’s a big deal for me because I never go out, I never do ‘girly stuff’ and I never, ever, EVER attend ‘social things’ so I’m very grateful to my new friend for helping me into the great beyond. And she has pretty curly hair to boot! I just love pretty curly hair.

Another big effect of Landmark is that my little girl got her daddy back. We’ve forgiven each other for everything that happened between us and we’re now focusing on restoring his relationship with our daughter and letting her know her little brother. Now that I’ve finally let go of the all the bitterness and anger, and now that my new friend helped the pain to heal, my heart can find a soul mate, and it’s a pretty cool thing. I should probably start practising that guitar song…

I’ve made a few promises to myself. I’ll put more effort in my writing work. I’ll update all those blogs once a week. I’ll build a rates page and beef up my CV. I’ll spend an hour bidding every day. I’ll go out and meet new people, because my knight in shining armour won’t come knocking on my door. For one thing, the caretaker won’t let his horse in, and for another, he can’t ride Nairobi traffic!

I’ve always had a problem with depression, and my solution is always to hide inside my room and try to think my way out of it. I noticed in the past that whenever I talk to people in person or on the phone, I’m cheerful and infectious, but the second I hung up or shut the door and get back inside my mind, the dark feelings return.

I thought it was because I was pretending to be cheerful, but I realize that being with other people helps me get out of my head, focus on them, and give them what they need. I’m not sure how to handle that, since I’m still ideally a loner, but as my friend said, with time and practice, I’ll learn to accept hanging out with people as a viable alternative to being by myself.

It doesn’t mean I’ll stop being an introvert, but it does mean I’ll get to live life instead of just observing it go by. My loved ones have told me this for years, and I always wrote them off for trying to change me. But one thing I’ve learned from Landmark is that changing the stuff that doesn’t work never stops me from being myself, and that’s a really, really cool thing.

♫ Sooner or later ♫ Matt Kearney ♫